Plan A or B?

A little history:
Met and began dating Oct 1997
She moved in December 1997
Married Sept 1999.- I have one child and she had 2 from previous marriages.
PA (with my best friend) 2001 – I forgave her and we stayed together
EA (co-worker) 2002 – Same story, we stayed together but I never trusted her. Read her emails, checked her phone records. She knew this and thought it terrible that I didn’t trust her. Was the basis for many arguments.
EA October 2003 – began email and chat conversations with boyfriend from 20 years earlier. He lives in same town as my wife’s sister (1,000 miles away). I found out about conversations and she quit. Promised to work on our marriage.
EA from October restarts March 2004 (May have turned into PA)– Wife’s brother in-law hospitalized and wife went to spend time with him. Made arrangements prior to leaving to meet the ex-boyfriend “for lunch”. Stayed with ex-boyfriend and after a week, called to tell me she was “in-love” with him and wanted divorce. Said it hadn’t turned sexual yet… Se had to return home 10 days later for doctor appointment and physical therapy (work injury). When she returned, I asked her to think about her options while she was here for the therapy visits. Within 3 weeks, the “fog” lifted and she agreed to stay and work on our relationship. She still replied to his email pleas to be with him up to mid-May. He finally gave up but let her know that if we didn’t make it, he would be there for her. Ended all contact with him for the next 2 months. During those two months, I tried hard to meet her emotional needs, eliminate LBs, and do everything suggested here and in Dr. Harley’s books (His needs, her needs and Surviving an affair). I didn’t really feel that she had put all the effort into re-building that she could have and that she didn’t have 100% faith in recovery but there were many times I saw lots of effort on her part. I must admit, I smothered her at times and committed a few LBs (mainly DJs) but I thought things were improving during May and June. Anyway, in early-July, we had a major argument and she said she had enough, she was divorcing. Again, I asked her to not do anything for the next two weeks and to think about her options and she agreed. There were ups and downs. I / we committed lots of LBs of the worse kind. Finally, she moved out and stayed with a local friend for 4 days, then went to her Dad’s house for 4 days, then finally to Virginia on August 6th. I know she went straight to the OM.
She is refusing to talk on the phone but we’ve emailed a few times. I’ve told her that I could forgive her and that I still loved her but unfortunately, I’ve dropped a few DJs in the process. Let me explain why: She loves her two kinds very much and can’t stand to be away from them for more than a few days. Now she says she would be fine seeing them only a few times a year (holidays and summers). She moved 1,000 miles away so any more frequently would be near-impossible. I asked that she stay in the area and be part of her kids life even if we didn’t stay together. I now DJ on a large scale…. I know she will miss them terribly after a few more weeks (it’s only been two weeks since she said goodbye) but I think the fog is strong enough that she may not correct that mistake. I feel terrible for the kids – they are 9 and 12 years old. I’ve also been told that I cannot see them. That hurts – They’ve been a part of my life for 7 years but since I never adopted them, I have no legal rights – or so I’m told. Anyway, this is getting too wordy but my question comes down to this: What do I do now? A REAL Plan A, without any LBs or do I move on to Plan B? If Plan A, how long? Since she’s already moved, are we in plan B? I’m so confused and would greatly appreciate any input.
God bless you all..

<small>[ August 15, 2004, 05:34 AM: Message edited by: Lost in KC ]</small>

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I would do a good Plan B. That may get her off of the fence. In the meantime, keep reading and posting here. We will help you get stronger.

Check out the Loyal Husbands thread. There are a ton of men here going through the same thing you are.

Gotta go with believer on this.
Sometimes repeat offenders really just have to live the life they chose to really find the error in their ways.

Read up on Plan B here.

I think that people tend to believe they don't do a good Plan A if they fall off the wagon from time to time.

You did the best you could with what you had.

Wait for more opinions..but do what's best for you, your children, and your M.

Thanks Believer and Jersey.
I've only been in Plan A without any LBs for about a week. Is that long enough? Is she really on a fence? These last two weeks, she's never said she was doing anything but divorcing me. She's living with OM and starting a job there soon. Also, what's best for the children would be for her to return to this area (with or without me). Would the fog leave enough for her to see that? Retorical question, really.
Thanks agan.

The best thing for her is to live with OM. That will end the fantasy. Get a Plan B letter ready and post it here.

Lost, I don't think Plan A or Plan B will change your W's personality. The only thing that will do that is intensive therapy. And until she admits she has a problem and is willing to change herself, there isn't much you can do. You can't change other people.

Plan A is designed to address unmet needs in the marriage. But I don't sense that is the problem here, this is just part of her character. Therefore Plan A can't be the solution to the problem.

I would suggest just accepting her how she is and proceeding from that point. She is not a faithful person who believes in monogamy. She has shown you that over and over again. It is unrealistic to believe you change her. If monogamy is important to you, I would suggest finding a new partner who shares your monogamous beliefs.

Melody,
Maybe the problem really is that I didn't meet her needs. I know that does not excuse having an affair but, #1 on her EN list is affection. If I didn't show her enough affection, she started looking elsewhere for it. She even warned me a few times before looking. For her, the affairs were all about affection. She was definately high maintenance in that regard - She wanted a fairy tale romance. After her first 2 affairs, she told me that she got the affection but not much else so they ended. Now the new OM is a real smooth talker with not much else to offer so I predict the same ending. I know she needs some serious therapy to deal with this fairy tale expectation but I doubt she'll seek any.

Believer - I will start working on the Plan B letter but from what I've read - I shouldn't do that until I've given Plan A enough time. The reason I'm thinking more plan A is that I want her last memories of me to be good ones - ones of thoughtfulness and caring. Are you suggesting Plan B right away because she has already left? BTW, I found the FH thread and have read quite a bit. Bless you for starting this thread!

KC,

Listen to Melody. Repetitious chaotic personal relationships(A's) have NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BS, LB'ing,OM(s) or the position of the moon or stars.It happens because of a severe deficit in personality developement as a child.

She needs to understand that she has a problem and is WILLING to undergo long term, intensive INDIVIDUAL counseling. That suggestion of counseling can NOT come from you or anyone else that she has any personal relationship with.

<small>[ August 14, 2004, 04:09 PM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lost in KC:
<strong> Melody,
Maybe the problem really is that I didn't meet her needs. I know that does not excuse having an affair but, #1 on her EN list is affection. If I didn't show her enough affection, she started looking elsewhere for it. She even warned me a few times before looking. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KC, I would buy that answer if we were talking about ONE AFFAIR. ONE affair is an aberration of character, multiple affairs *IS* her character. I can see someone falling in love with one person that happened along and happened to meet her needs in a weak moment and she found her feelings running away from her. I could see it happening ONCE. But not over and over and over again. This is a pattern, KC, a way of life. This was not a freak accident that happened once as an aberration of character, this IS her character.

Melody,
I've given alot of thought to what you have said and agree 100% that she has issues to be dealt with in therapy - abusive mother, lack of childhood affection, etc, etc. I hope and pray that the fog lifts and she asks to return. At that point, I will insist that we both seek counseling - individually and as a married couple. My question is still this: What do I do now? Do I stay in Plan A or do I move to Plan B, since she has moved out and isn't really to talkative anyway... Dr. Harley says the time for Plan B is when she can't decide which one to stay with, right. As of right now, she wants no part of staying with me. I appreciate all the help from you and the others on in these forums.

KC, I would first decide if you want to be married to someone who is not monogamous. If you choose to do so, then there is really no need to go to Plan B or Plan A. Those are plans designed to help end the affair. To me, your situation is simply one of accepting her how she is and realizing that you can't change her. She is the only one who can change herself.

And maybe cutting off contact with her will motivate her to make those changes, however, it doesn't sound like she wants to be in contact with you at all according to what you say.

I am not trying to throw a wet blanket on you, KC, please understand that I am saying this out of empathy and compassion and not to give you despair. However, the first step in resolving any situation is acceptance.

I appreciate the suggestions but one of us is missing something here. I'm supposed to just give up on her and a 5 year marriage? Only problem with that is the small fact that I still love her. With the exception of 5-6 days of infidelity, it's been a good 5 years. I admit she has a problem that only SHE can address but what if she comes back and wants to change herself and improve our marriage? Do I just walk away from that (limited) possibility? Just give up hope?
Not feeling very healthy right now...

Lost, where did I ever tell you to give up on her? I just told you to accept her how she is because you can't change her. Do you believe you can change her personality?

<small>[ August 15, 2004, 04:52 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

One of us is missing something here...

I think I can help shed some light on your confusion [although I think ML has explained herself very well]...

You want advice concerning how to help your wife..the advice that you are receiving is to first acknowledge that for whatever reason..your wife is not a monogamous person..she runs from fairytale to fairytale and anyone who is intimate with her including her children will be dragged face first through the gravel while she is in pursuit of her obsession/addiction.

OK..are we all on the same page so far? Now then..let's consider that this is a lifelong habbit for her..perhaps only a few days with regard to your own 5 year marraige..but let's all agree that 5 years in the course of a lifetime is a very small window. Think of a binge alcoholic..they can go long periods of time also..but then they inevitably crash. So it is with your wife. This is her character. Why this is so is something that she may address with a therapist, but not something that you will be able to fix and/or influence. This problem is bigger than you. The fact that you still love her changes nothing. Either she will seek to address her character issues or she will continue on her merry way leaving destruction in her wake wherever she goes.

Your primary decision..is to take a cold blooded look at that fact, and decide whether you are willing to put yourself, and your children through that for what is likely the rest of their lives in hope that she may at some point become tired of the dance and begin to seek to change her ways. A word of caution..a lot of people for whom this is a way of life never change. The cycle endlessly until they die. Regretting only that they failed to chase down the mirage..a lifetime of drinking sand has taught them nothing.

I would correct one thing..your wife has not cheated a few days out of a five year marriage..she has been unable to go even 1 year at a time without cheating. So her cycle..is that a period of time out of every year will be spent appeasing her addiction..likely with a few months building up prior to, and a few months recovery from..you are her nice comfy place to land when she is out of gas..nothing more.

Your wife is in a lifelong cycle of destruction. You do not have that luxury. You must face reality for what it is. If you choose to remain in this marriage, you must accept that this is your wife. Whatever her fine qualities, this is one of her flaws. Live with it, or choose to remove yourself from it. Her love bank is not the issue, the OM [plural] is not the issue..her character is the issue.

Any questions? [Thinks back to early 80's pan of fried eggs]