After I found out about my wifes affair I gave her about a week to really think about what she wanted out of her life ...to stay with me and work out the marriage ...or to leave and start again by herself. She eventually descided that she wanted to stay. I thought this was great since this is really want I wanted as well . The problem is that while she wants to stay and is trying (somewhat) to work things out she still is not "committed" to the marriage. She is basically trying to work on the marriage now because its what she thinks is the right thing to do and because its what she thinks she should do ........NOT because its what she really wants to do or is committed to doing.

My question is how long should I keep our marriage in this kind of limbo? Eventually Im going to need some real commitment from her and not just a week "Im trying" . Is this pretty common? Do I need to establish a time frame or just sit back and hope that she see's things the right way eventually?

In a hurry?

theonlyhitman,

Forgive worthatry(WAT) his brevity. Read his accompanying URL. It is a must read for anyone new to the MB forums

<small>[ August 14, 2004, 03:27 PM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong> In a hurry? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually Yes.

Ive read a lot of the things that say just to sit back and let your wife just keep screwing you over until she gets her fill but I just don't see things that way . Maybe Im just really wrong.

What way do you see them?

WAT

I guess I just see things pretty black and white. That after you have admited the affair and expressed that you wanted to work it out that you would then be willing to do what it took to work things out. It just seems logical to me but I guess thats not what my wife sees.

So, you're drawing a distinction between "wanting to work things out", which she expressed, and "commitment," which you want her to express?

Do I have that right?

Do you have any idea what most guys posting on this forum would give to hear from their wayward wives, "I want to try to work this out."?

Do you have any idea how rare it is to even get an admission of an affair?

WAT

<small>[ August 14, 2004, 06:21 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

No actually I dont . This is all pretty new to me and Im trying to figure it all out. Ive read a ton of information about it (some good some bad) to try to get grounded in some of the conscepts of it ..but i don't think anything prepairs you for it.

I mean she says she wants to work things out ...but she refuses to even delete the OM's name off her her instant messanger list, or take his # off her cell phone or change shifts at work so she doesn't work with him anymore. If she doesnt' even think she can do any of those things (I mean come on how hard is it to delete a name) I don't see that she is very committed and may just be trying to buy time. Its confusing and no I don't have all the answers which is why I am posting hoping someone who has had a similar experiance may be able to help .

OK.

Now I detect some humility and I'm ready to help you. Are you ready to be helped, or do you just want to be right?

Step one: Check your pride at the door.

You cannot successfully deal with this if your pride is going to get in the way. Forget about being right or knowing what's best for her. This is a given to everybody on the planet except for one person - her. And you WILL NOT convince her otherwise.

Step two: You cannot be in a hurry. If you want this to be over quickly, file for divorce and move on. Easy. One, two, three. Over. No contest. What are you waiting for?

Oh? You're not sure?

Then stop in your tracks and learn everything you can about infidelity - curiously available on this site - and start to apply what you learn BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING ELSE!

When you've identified what you contributed to the poor state of the marriage that allowed an affair to occur, and what you're going to do to eliminate those attributes, report back to us on how you're going to demonstrate to you wife your improvements, and how, in the meantime, you've avoided all love busters, disrespectful judgements, and annoying actions.

Don't be surprised if success takes more than "about a week."

WAT

Way to 4x2 WAT :-)

TOHM I am new to this too. I am a month since discovering my W's affair.

I was the opposite to you - a hopless mess of emotion.

I have had to learn hard stuff faster than anything before in my life in the past month, but TOHM, i SWEAR it is worth it.

Read the concepts on this site, then calmly look at some of the stories and experiences of folks on this forum.

AT LEAST then you will be able to make an informed decision whether you want to work on your marriage or not. Then if you DO, you will find a proven template for so doing.

Right now you MUST understand that your W is suffering from what can only be called a temporary mental affliction. It is NOT POSSIBLE for her to behave rationally right now.

You ( and I) are lucky ones in that some deep primal instinct for rescuing the M has shown through after discovery of teh A.

That, I have learned, is a wonderful start.

To rescue the M you will need to do everything against your instinct for months. BUT do it right and you CAN rescue your M.

Are you up for the fight TOHM ? If so the folks here will be a great source of support. If not, an attorney waits your call.

I am so very sorry that our spouses have done this to us and I know your pain.

But please think rationally and study. You are the only one capable of rationality right now.

God Bless. B P

Thanks for the help and advice everyone.

We definately did get to the root of why the affair happened back when it came out, and I think that probably is the majior issue of why this is so hard to work out. My wife's dad is a multipal time child molester. He molested all of her friends when they were kids and , even though she can't remember anything for sure, all information points ot her being molested as well. I have known about this for most of the relationship but everytime the subject is brought up she doesn't want to talk to me about it. So I went fine if she doesn't feel comfortable talking to me I will give her the freedom to talk to people that she feels better confiding in (my mistake) .

So anyway the affair basically happened after her Dad (on parole) was arrested again and charged with more molestation charges. She just didn't want to talk to me about it and ended up talking to a guy at work and using him as her support. I should probably mention here that we work totally different shifts. I work from 4:30 AM till 1 and she works 2PM till 11PM . So we never see each other anyway and I am always asleep when she gets home from work . So when I was home sleeping she was crying on this guys shoulder and sleeping with him.

The problem I am having now with fixing the marriage is the very complicated issue of the child abuse. I am doing what ever I can to learn about it and being supportive to her with it . I think her problem is the child abuse is really all she see's ....she really doesnt' see the infedility.

The best way I can say it is the way I told her the other day. I got a book that helps and gives advice to partners of people who have been sexually abused called "Allies in Healing" (very good book BTW) . I really likes that title the we are working together to heal the horror of child abuse .....but I told her that I didn't think that she was my Ally in Healing the infedility (she didn't disagree). Its really like all she can think about now is the abuse ....and while I am really working on understanding the abuse I can't just forget about the infedility .

Anyway thats a little more on my situation. It seems like kind of a complex one and I really haven't found another situation quite like it from reading other peoples posts. Any help or info would be greatly appriciated .

That and it just felt good getting all that down off my cheast even if no one reads it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I admire your dedication.

There are clearly more issues here than in a garden variety affair, and we may not be informed enough on this forum to assist you with any more than moral support.

My WS was clearly suffering from strong inner forces as well, and I was totally incapable of dealing with it until too late. Like in my case, the fundamental approaches here may not be adequate for you.

I recommend you seek professional advice - even if just on an individual basis.

But your emotions are likely generic and you will be able to find solace here.

WAT

Yeah I am definately getting therapy .

One of my requirments to working things out in the marriage was for her to get professional help (something she had never done). She agreed and has gone for a few sessions. We are also this week starting with a marriage counselor , which is something I am really looking forward to . She isn't really interested in the marriage counseling I am finding out . She thinks she is just going to be ganged up on.

Today is probably one of my worst though . One thing I really wanted from her to work out the marriage was to come right home from work everynight. Dont' hang around talking to co workers till late in the night , show me a little respect and come home. Well last night she calls about 10pm saying she is going to be late that she has to drop by her grandma's house and water the flowers. I don't like it at all but I say ok anyway. Well after she was already over an hour late she finally calls to say she is on her way home. Now i know that is doesn't take a freaking hour to water some plants. So when she gets home I ask her if she is going to tell me why she was gone for so long . She says she needed some "Me" time and that she just went to her special place by the river to think. So she lied to me again about why she was late coming home from work ( just like durring the affair) but didn't understand why I was mad about it . She just thinks she is the only one who is suffering her and if she is causing me pain , oh well. Its just really pissing me off . I can't be the only one who is working on this relationship.

Anyway I hope the counseling this week helps out because right now for the first time since she said she wanted to work it out I am really questioning if it is even worth it .

Only

Go to the home page and explore the site, and find out how to purchase Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. This will help you understand the dynamics of an affair.

The sexual abuse is a totally different subject, and I have read the MB principals do not apply when abuse is a factor. That doesn't mean it will be a waste of your time to read it. The abuse calls for IC for your wife. You are both going to need professional help to get through this, but these forums are a great place to find solace, sympathy, advice, vent, and become educated about building a successful relationship.

You need to understand that all these things took a long time to manifest themselves into definitive problems. It will take a long time to get things back on track, as well. You need to be very patient and understanding throughout this process.

Best wishes,
SD

<small>[ August 15, 2004, 08:19 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>