Hi Snow, the answer is both. I have been very sceptical about whether this forum is any more than a place for people to vent (but that in itself is justfied) whether it is of any help (having read through the weeks I think the supprt that is given from total strangers can sometimes make all the difference). Went to TOW website to take a look too and I have to comment all you posters for being really incredible source of help and strength for those who need it. I apologise for, what's the term you used- trolling?

This is the story. I am a married OM. I wanted to see this from OM's W's point of view so posted the other story. I think that we are not being fair to her and I want no further part ibn the destruction of a family. I want to change my life. Hear my out. I know this forum is dedicated to saving marriages so I don't expect much sympathy here but any words of wisdom are very much appreciated.

Story: it has been a 2 and half year A. There is a child on the other side, none in mine. D day was about 2 months ago. OM's W knows, my H doesn't (though I want to tell him). We agreed to break up as we thought it was irresponsible to leave the kid( yes I know know it was irresponsible in the first place). He has been trying to patch things up, went for counselling. The wife says she wants to leave as she realises now that his heart will be with me and if he stays it will be only for the kids. He says yes he might be able to hang on in there but the thought of being married like that forever is anathema to him, and it shows. Nobody disagrees with this version of the events.

My question is this: I want to with all my heart be with OM but I also want to do the right things. If we all provide financial assistance and even look after the kid ) and we will make sure that the kid gets all the fatherly attention he wants needs or the W allows, are we stilll doing the right thing. Or should I insist that he stays until at least the kid's older. Or to insist that the relationship is over. I know that love is not all that matters, that we need to be responsible for our actions, but I for one know that the relationship that I have now with OM is what I need what I want what I have been looking for - soulmate is a very stupid word so I won't use it. It is th foundation upon which my life can be built and my deepest regret is that it came about this way. I know about emotions needs and trying but there is no way, either of us will feel/love our sposues as they were marriages that were very considered very practical. But the worry is that anything that starts in a wrong cannot amount to much - what is the right thing to do?

end it and when we are both free of our own accord - get back together?

forgot to add. he wants to leave. He is pressing me to come to a decision as to when we can do it . He says it is not a consideration that we not be together so whether now or later, it has to be done.

how can he try to work it out at home? and how can I try to work it out at home? I really don't love my husband in that way (I like him alot) although if I could and had a magic wand, I would love to just make it happen. He annoys the crap out of me most of the time and then I feel so guilty for being annoyed with someone who is pretty good and decent.

No contact with your lover, forever. Then maybe your husband won't "annoy" you so much. Your OM can go back to his wife and child, where he belongs.

If you are sincere in wanting to do the right thing than this is the only way - end it forever with OM, no contact at all. Then bring your husband to MB and start rebuilding that love you must have had when you vowed to love, honor and cherish him for life.

This is the only real choice you have, IMO.

Weaver

The right thing to do is to end the affair today and tell your H the truth. If you really love this man, then leave him alone. He is already promised to someone else. Let him work things out with his family and be the father and husband he is supposed to be. If you truly loved him, you wouldn't help him degrade himself in this way. You would help him become a good man, not a bad man that will regret his actions for the rest of his life.

Adultery with a married man is NEVER the right thing to do. There is simply no way to justify adultery, much less destroying someone's family.

Do the decent thing and tell your H today. He has a right to know what is going on in his own life TODAY. To withhold this information from him is cruel, manuipulative and disrespectful. You have no right to withhold facts from him about his life.

P.S. why in the world would you rut with a man who is a liar and a cheater? Do you find that attractive?

<small>[ August 14, 2004, 05:23 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have seen him with his wife though and he is very polite very considerate so at least he is not a complete jerk. There is no love there - I have seen enough for myself. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How does one "see" love? You do realize that all cheaters say this to their OP? Surely you don't believe it is true? How would the cheater get the OP in bed if he told her he "loved" his W?

I know you want to believe it, but believe me, this forum is full of former WS's who might have felt this way when they were in the throes of an addictive affair but are now very much in recovery and very much in love.

<small>[ August 14, 2004, 05:53 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>