I have been living with my LT boyfriend for 5 years now, I just found out on August 2nd that he has been cheating on me on and off again for almost a year with a w that he works with and I know, He says at first he thought he might want this to happen but since December of 2003 he has only been with this w to keep her from calling me and hurting me, he insists that she kept threating to call me and that is why it continued,I know she new we were together as she has called me monthly and asked me to go out parting with her.But still I have a hard time believing this. The women called me on August 2nd and told me what was going on, I know that he was only going out after work 1 time a week for about an hour and some weeks not at all, but this w tells me he told her he loved her and was planning on moving in with her. He denies either of these things happenened and I want to believe him because I know he has a hard time expressing his feelings we were together over a year before he told me he loved me. He tells me he is sorry and wants to stay with me and marry me and that he loves me we have also begun to see a counselor last week, can anyone out there give me any advise as to what I should be thinking, I am sick to my stomach and a nervous wreck all day while he is at work. I am starting to wonder if I can forgive him or not as I have been hurt in the past. I am not sure maybe it is just to soon for forgiveness. I am thinking of even moving out know.

Sky, you can forgive him if he makes amends and changes his life around, but you are looking at least 12 months of pain and anxiety. You are in for a long haul to get over this.

As a first step, he needs to send the OW a no contact letter telling her that the affair was a mistake and to NEVER EVER contact him again. He should never see or talk to her again.

And to rebuild trust, he needs to stay in touch with you throughout the day and open up his life to you. You should swap cell phones. He should give you his passwords to voicemail, email, etc. He has to go to extraordinary lengths to PROVE himself.

You then have the issue of addressing WHY this happened. Unless you find out WHY this happened and correct the problem, it is doomed to happen again.

A good book that can help you understand all this is Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. You can order it fairly cheap on this website. They have cheap, fast shipping.

Anyway, that is a start. And if you feel he can demonstrate trust and become a worthy marriage partner, THEN you can decide if you want to marry him. But I sure wouldn't marry him until that happens.

Frankly, if it were me, I would not mess around with it all if I were not married. There are lots of good guys out there who don't screw around. But you will have to decide for yourself if he is worth the trouble. Because you are looking at about 12-18 months of hard work and pain and distrust to recover from this.

We have talked about why and all I can get from him is that we were fighting to much and I was accusing him of cheating well before he ever did, he thought that we were going to be over and had feeling of hate for me, he says this other women was nice to him and did not yell at him or at least at first, but then she began to pressure him to move out of our home and in with her he says that he tried to end it monthly but she would threaten to call me, The OW will not leave us alone now she drives by all day long and calls my phone I filed a police report last night and Friday he filed a PPO he is also taking action at work as she is harassing him there now, I am sick to my stomach and he cannot transfer until October.

HElp I need Ideas- as you have read my story I am not sure as what to do now my BF officially proposed last night!! I am not sure how to handle this as I do want to marry him and believe in my heart that this all happens for a reason "god does not give you anything he does not believe you can handle" I in my heart want to believe that with the situation in front of us and the OW not going away easily that he will never let this happen again, BUT I AM STILL SCARED!!!

?Have you read this book?

"The 10 Stupid Things That Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives"

One of the things is to marry a man who has already cheated on her.....

Get that book from the library and read it.

What you "want to believe" is a fairytale ...you must live in the reality of what is.

If you do marry him, you were pre-warned about his character.

How old are you?

Pep

<small>[ August 21, 2004, 05:00 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Thank you for your reply I will go and get the book you suggested tommorrow and read it, I am 24 years old, I know all I am doing seems "stupid" and I can understand that completely, we are seeking counseling and I am not going to make any desicions on marriage for quite some time, however the OW is a nut case I found out today when I went to see a friend who got into a motorcycle accident that he was also sleeping with the same women and she went to the hospital last night (that is when the accident happened) and informed his GF about there A. She has however quite calling us, so the officer who called her must have made an impact she still continues to drive by alot though, and they are having 0 contact @ work as the captain has but her in a tower by herself all day!! The transfer paperwork is in and hopefully by October he will be @ a new location!!!
Thank you and look forward to hearing more advice!!!

Pepperband made an excellent point...do you want to marry man who is a known cheater???

I don't think you are stupid at all! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I think you are a young woman who has been recently traumatized. IMHO, it is because of that trauma that you should NOT make any life altering decisions (such as getting married). It is time for you take stock of what you have and what you want in life. This is where the IC/MC comes in and I'm glad the two of you are going!

What you have...
-a BF who has cheated and is scared of losing you so he proposed.
-a seemingly obsessed OW
-a BF who says he cheated 'cuz you were fighting too much...give me a break <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

What do you want???
-only you know that for sure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />