This is a copy of my post in "Plan A" which I'm reposting for traffic, thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My husband is on a year long deployment. He was home for two weeks, during which he told me about his A.
Oddly enough, I seemed to have implemented much of Plan A even before I saw this website. I was shocked and deeply hurt, but did not freak out. I did make clear to him that I was really hurt and didn't know what to think.
During his visit I made sure to not be a nag about it, though we did have a few conversations which were on the whole very civil. He told me that she is actually gone now, sent back to the states because of injury. I don't know if I beleive him or not. I really am not going to contact his commander, etc because he would lose his career and that would not help our family at all.
I am trying to do my best to implement Plan A, though he is back on his deployment. I have written him letters, and today sent a care package of things he will like. He doesn't want his phone calls home to be taken up by talk of his A and I have agreed to that.
Any ideas on how to keep up Plan A when the other spouse is away but in contact?

Yes, much of Plan A is intuitive, huh?

What were the circumstances that he told you about the affair? Was it because you had him caught in the headlights?

Have you identified the ENs you weren't meeting and taken steps to fix this and demonstrate to your H that they're fixed?

From a distance, you can't do much more than what you're already doing - other than exposure if you suspect the affair is ongoing. I understand your hesitation to expose it to the military, but if your reason is really that this "would not help our family at all", continuation of the affair certainly isn't helping it either.

Do you know the identity of the OW?

<small>[ August 15, 2004, 07:23 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

I asked him if he was having an affair because he was acting very unlike himself. On his first day home he was very "mean" and told several issues he was angry/disgusted with me about. The main one being that I didn't save much money during this deployment. We immediately made a better budget and I commited to sticking to it and was very apologetic for not being a good steward of the money. The other issue was my self-esteem, he was tired of me being so down on myselft - he wanted the confident woman he married back. He was so angry, though, that I was in shock for days. After a few days the fog cleared and I asked him if he was having and A and he said "Yes. For a few months now." He also said that the had been gone for a few weeks already, had been sent home due to injury and that he would have no contact or correspondance with her at all.
He's always been very honest with me and is not the type of person I would every expect to have an A. He said he was "lonely" -well, yeah, I'm lonely too, but I find other ways to fill that need for now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I really don't see what good will come of telling his commander - my husband would be charged with misconduct, he could face jail time and we would have no health insurance, housing, etc. It would be very scary for me and the kids. I don't want him to face that either. I want to build our marriage back.
I have no idea who the OW is.

Hi Berg,
I just read most of your posts from the Plan a/b forum.

My H is in his 3rd month in Afghanistan, Army, so we're looking at a year to 18 mo. too.

We're also 4+ years in recovery, so a different situation than yours. But, the OW, now FOW is his co-worker, not deployed, but her (new) H is with mine, so I go to Family Support Meetings with my H's FOW--who is one of the leaders! So...that's made my memory a little fresher about the pain.

You probably can't force him to tell you who she is, but, he should tell you. It probably could wait until he comes home if you want to do a good Plan A during this difficult time. But, once he comes home, you need to know.

It sounds like you are doing good with sending him email, snail mail, care packages. Sometimes I think of it like if I were starting a relationship, sending that kind of mushy/romantic/intimate <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> stuff.

And, like you, I rarely talk about my loneliness, I do say I miss him very much. But I really am busy with work, our kids--one going to college this fall the other a junior in HS, I go to the gym, and a couple other groups I belong to other than the FSG. I carry my cell most of the time, just not in the gym, and it kills me to miss the occasional call, but he knows I'm not sitting at home.

One thing you can know for certain, your H cannot start a divorce while deployed. In fact, divorces in progress when activation begins are halted. So, you do have this 6 month time without any possible legalities.

We haven't saved any money up to now either. My H's purchases before deployment were about $3000 in electronics, entertainment, gear, needed comfort/hygiene items. I've just paid off our credit cards, so if your H made a lot of purchases prior to deployment, REMIND him. Plus, that postage for care packages is a killer, my lowest package was $16 and have ranged up to $30, that's just postage, not the stuff inside, another $30-$200, depending on what H asked for (DVDs, sheets, dust buster, college alumni flag).

Do whatever you can to stay sane. If you need counseling, there is a chaplain assigned to your support group. If you live near a base, you can also apply for free mental health counseling.

I'd recommend touching base with some kind of counselor, military, your pastor/religious leader or private (that would be a money issue, but...how much does a divorce cost in comparison?)

You do need some support to get through this betrayal, this is more than deployment, which is hard enough. My H also was in Desert Storm, so this is not our first, but...still, I have tough moments.

MB is a very good place for support, and, there are some military members, some retired, some spouses who have some knowledge that are specific. I'd recommend that you put "military" in your heading to draw the others out. Your "deployment" post from the Plan A/B forum happened to be at the top when I signed on tonight and caught my eye, then I found you on GQII, the forum I hang at most.

This is an active forum, so, put some kind of "deployment/military" in your heading.

And, I am really sorry that your H has put you in this position.

Hello there..'nother military BS [raises hand]

wow there's a lot of us here....WS and BS alike, funny that [enter sarcasm]

I did expose. Yep..he got smoked, ucmj action, article..something or other..he was not discharged [I didn't press charges] but extra duty, shame and humiliation, more situps and flutter kicks than any human would ever want to do..all of that fun stuff.

I'm glad that I exposed it, your situation is not unique just because he is in the military. Anyone involved in this sort of thing may lose their job and security over it...and that may be a good thing. Expect some permanent changes to need to be made in your marriage..pretty hard to fill up an absent love bank..pretty easy to let someone more convenient do it...do not rationalize yourself into defeat, your position while this continues is extremely weak. I guarantee that he won't be spending much time with OW if he is in jail [winks]. Not much recreation to be had while scrubbing toilets or applying for a Mcjob after a dishonorable discharge. He committed a serious offense according to the military..roll the dice baby, are you really so timid? I think what you are really afraid of is that he will be angry with you for doing it. Too bad, is my opinion, and believe it or not, I exposed with love..I supported him through his long hours of extra work [brought him food and sat with him, publicly supporting him etc etc]. I am a firm believer in the blessings of consequences..they teach us and break us and change us just where and when we need it. Oh, and you can also insist on MC..so let's see...most likely he'd be back..in MC...removed from OW...hmmm, not really seeing a downside to the probable outcome of exposure [although extreme ucmj action is a possibility, it isn't a likely one..this sort of thing is abysmally commonplace, they usually handle it inhouse at a company level.]

dagnebbit...it killed my post

ok, picking right up
MC is free...your insurance will cover it..and you may choose to find a non military mc who is accepted by tricare.

Also..if you can't force him to tell you who she is..I'm pretty sure his commander can... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> they can make him an offer he can't refuse, and enforce it.

About money..clean out the account every pay period with exception for his needs..that's needs ...not whims, and find a job and childcare situation for when he returns...how did one poster put it?..when the feces hits the oscillator?

If he refuses you in any way, btw..with regard to info you want..her name, rank, serial # etc..so you can expose her to legal fun as well..PRESS CHARGES..do not hesitate to pull the trigger on an unrepentant WS who is currently leveling your very existence, once they have both gotten to experience a dose of reality, they may begon to see things differently.

Best of luck, and as always just my .02, your mileage may vary

--Noodle

Noodle, I hear you and understand what you are saying. At this time, though, I don't want to expose. He has said she is gone, and that even if she does get sent back (he said she was hurt pretty seriously in a work accident) he will tell this it's over. He said he has no contact with her, and specifically told her before she left that he didn't want her to write and he wouldn't write. For now, I am hoping that he is telling the truth. When he comes back I will be in a better position to know if it continues, but from the little he said I believe she was Natl. Guard and was deployed from another state.

I really am not afraid that he will be angry about exposure. I am afraid that our lives would be turned upside down by him losing his job. I'm sure, because of his position, he will lose his job and probably be given a harsh punishment. I want to give him the chance for us to work together on our marriage, and at this point, I don't think informing his command would help that.

But that said, thought I was very calm during R&R, I made it clear I want more than this from him.

berg95

Let me see if I understand your situation as it now stands...

1--Your husband returned for a visit, was nasty and critical of you [typical ws]
2--so you asked if he was having an affair...wait a sec here..is that your default response? Was there something else? Gut feeling? Anything?
3--he admits "yeah" [yeah?!] and for a few months now. [ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ]
4--so during the rest of his visit you made sure not to nag. You made sure not to nag. About his affair, that has been going on for months. [raises eyebrows and blinks..thinks she must not have some very relevant info about where the two of you stand at this point because if you decided not to "nag" and nothing was said other than his admission and you saying that you were hurt and shocked, I may actually vomit.]
5--So he says she is gone now, due to an injury whatever whatever blah blah told her not going to write yadda yadda and I say this in this way because it is..to coin a recently popular phrase that has struck my fancy..worth a bucket of spit.
Am I forgetting anything? Oh yes..
6--He doesn't want his phone calls to be used up with talk of his A. You have agreed to this.

So, he's got a pretty lush deal, no? He'll do as he likes, with whomever he likes, you won't nag about it, you won't expose it..and we'll all play nice when he comes home. To "work" on the marriage. I see.

You know berg..there is a difference between calmness, and a lamb to the slaughter so to speak...

Has he made any committments to you? Has he volunteered to do whatever you need in order to restore the marriage? Is he even a little contrite? Regretfull? Did he tell you how long the A had been *coughs unconvincedly* over? Do you have any idea what is going on with him and his present wishes?

You want to know how to plan A..the goal of plan A is to have the opportunity to put $$$ in the love bank before going to plan B..to stop the affair if it can be stopped..but according to him..it is already over..soooooooo, what exactly are you trying to do? Do you want to know how to continue to fill his bank despite being separated? My opinion, and it seems to be supported on this site by the Harleys..is that couples need to be able to spend adequate time together and not have two seperate lives in order for a marriage to thrive..under your circumstances you need lots and lots of time together to restore what has been lost, and correct what has been done in err. You really can't do this while he is away, and probably not if he chooses to put his career ahead of your marital needs and stay in the same line of work. You can send baskets..call..be considerate..write letters..send him erotic toys and provide phone sex..whatever you think he would like. You can try to meet what needs you can..be mindfull though that this is a one way street that will empty your own bank in short order.

OK..so, you don't want to expose, primarily because it would possibly put you in a bad financial position. I completely understand this..what actions will you be taking to correct this so that you have your butt coverred if/when you do need to play the exposure card? Surely you do not plan to continue as you were and hope for the best? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> You really may have to you know...at some point in the future, and I agree that the children should not have to be without housing and insurance etc. So my advice to you..is to load up your personal arsenal while he is away [it may actually work in your favor that you don't have to deal with him on a daily basis at this time] books/classes/IC [yes, it is coverred] to deal with marriage and personal issues...and get busy protecting yourself and your children with regard to your financial/housing/etc situation. Whether the marriage is recoverred or not in the long term is not relevant to making certain that you are free to take any action necessary unhinderred by financial impotence in the present.

I am so sorry to tell you that your lives have been past tense turned upside down already. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Please do not assume that harsh consequences =/= chance to work on the marriage. He must value the marriage in order to work for it..if all is too easy he will simply take it further for granted. This is not a disrespecfull judgement..it is human nature. We move because where we are at becomes unbearable and for no other reason usually.

When you say that you were calm during r&r..and that you made it clear that you want more than.. this [?] from him..what exactly does that mean? What was his response?

--Noodle

I'm really sorry Noodle if I'm coming accross as a "lamb to the slaughter" as it were. That is not really my personality or my intent.

My main concern during his R&R was to make sure he was able to relax. He did not make a big deal about anything war related that happend over there but a colleage of his came to see me and told me a few things that happend to them.

And no, it was not my gut response to ask him if he was having an affair - the thought occured to me after some *equipment issues* that had never *come up* in our physical relationship before. It was a feeling I had and that was why I asked.

I have already taken steps to make sure I have a workable plan, and I am not too concerned about finances, I am very employable and am not worried about that. I do have concerns about exposure, recently there was a big to-do because a couple were "swinging" and a very high ranking man was severly punished. Right now, I'm not thinking "punishment" I'm thinking "how can we both work on this?" I just don't think exposure would do that.

As far as giving up his career, no one is getting out of the Army right now in my husbands job. Even if he wanted to, he could not have just decided to stay home, he had to go back to Iraq. Again, I don't see jail as a viable option, he wouldn't be with us either way.

Yes, it is a lush deal for him to not have me take up our very infrequant phone calls with talk of the Affair. To be fair, though, why do that? What would it accomplish? He as confessed it to me, said he was sorry, we have agreed to some steps we will take while he is away. I would like to be able to look forward to his phone calls too.

When I said I wanted more than "this" I mean that I wanted our relationship to be able to be rebuilt, which requires both of us working, right? That is all I meant - that I didn't want a marriage that was not a true partnership.

So possibly I have misunderstood "Plan A" - I was concentrating on the filling of the love bank idea.

berg..

"He confessed it to me, said he was sorry, we have agreed to some steps we will take while he is away" That would be the relevant info that I was missing. So, as far as you are concerned, you are in recovery, yes?

Yes, sadly, no one is geting out of the army just now..but with regard to the future, keep in mind the time and separate lives issue..it is coverred here at MB..darned if I can find the link for you though..maybe some else ...?

Plan A is for ending the affair..in short..fill up the bank as much as they will allow you..then cut them off and leave the OP to meet all their needs. [plan B]...

You guys skipped a few steps though..because apparently [we'll accept it as fact for now, why not?] his A died a natural death prior to you discoverring it.

I must say I am still botherred tremendously that he would potentially expose you to life threatenning illnesses by having sex with you..that in and of itself is criminal in my opinion. You surely would not have consented if you had known? I guess you will have to have some fairly serious testing now..that could end his career as well..talk about turning things all askew for the kiddos..I will never cease to be amazed at the shortsighted risks people take..and then force others to take by deceiving them. For me, that would be a deal breaker, no question. I am not you though..and there are a good number, probably the majority actually, of people on this board who continued to have sexual relations with their WS while the affair was ongoing.

Yes, to me, your initial posts did come across as very much the lamb to the slaughter..and naked and blind as well. Glad to see this is not the case, even if I did ruffle your feathers a bit poking around to see if you were indeed as helpless as you initially seemed.

About the phone calls..it isn't that you should talk about it per say..it's more the elephant in the room effect, it's going to affect you every day..you'll have to do some wiggling to get around it, even in casual conversation. Example? "what did you do today?" "well, I went in to have my blood drawn...." uncomfortable silence etc. see what I mean? I don't think you need to dwell and rant and such..but it is now a part of your lives, sort of forever, sort of no getting around it.

There is a desire though..to sort of banish this period/situation to the land of oops ..isn't there? The OP is far away, out of the picture [crosses fingers] you didn't have to personally deal with the affair while it was alive..only in syndication. Especially if your marriage was good prior to it, and you feel it is out of character. I admit that there are parts of me that don't really even care that my husband cheated..not really, because they aren't threatenned by it. I do not have complete integrity..some aspects of my personality care more than others. I can understand as well how such things happen..it seems almost logical. Like a person really ought to be able to just pick up and move on....until the next questionable moment arrives..you haven't gotten there yet, but you will, and when you do at least you can take comfort in your fellow roller coaster riders. They don't just know how you feel..they feel it right along with you in full color surround sound. Is that comfort..or is it despair? huh. Well it was supposed to be comfort. [sheepish grin] It's too late for clarity of mind, but good luck with the long distance recovery efforts. Even more importantly I hope that your std tests are favorable. As for his OW..may the fleas from a thousand camels infest her tongue [spits]--Noodle

berg,

I am the BS, but I am the one in the service (Navy). Also, as a leader I have had to deal with this situation and have seen it play out in different ways, in many ways depending on the paygrade of the indivduals involved.

First of all, if your H is enlisted, most likely will be handled at the unit level. But another point to consider is what is the paygrade of the OW? If she is junior to him and he is her supervisor, then it could be very serious, and UCMJ action is very likely (also if she is senior to him).

If your H is an officer, exposing to his commander ENDS his career PERIOD. What is the point of that? If you are going to expose, it needs to be to the OW's H (if married). Otherwise, have H send NC letter and pray he returns safe and sound and that if the OW is nat'l guard she is deactivated and moves out of the picture.

I do not believe that exposing to the command will help you in the long run.