Dear Friends

8 years ago I started dating a girl married to a friend of mine. One month into the relationship I even paid for her to divorce the guy... Now 8 years lady she is cheating on me and I love to have her back in my life... I made a big mistake then and I would like to know if is it possible for me to save my relationship?

We did have a lot of problems over the years,but I never thought that she could leave me someday.

She is so beautiful, but she was not mine at that time..And God knows all the things!Please any advise?

Lost in pain

What you did 8 years was wrong. You took her knowing she cheated, she cheated with you on the person she should have remined faihtful to, her husband.
Now she has cheated on you and you are surprised?

However that may not be fair not knowing enough of the situation

LIP no one deserves to be cheated on, her husband didn't but you didn't care about that then, you dont deserve it even now . But I feel you have set up this situation and like many here now have to face the consequences.
You are feeling the pain and hurt that you helped inflict on her H, maybe you will understand now that your wants & desires can be destructive.

Like many other partners, like me, you are going to have to find a way to cope, to rebuild and maybe to win her back.

As I have been advised I advise you, read everything on this site, buy the books recommended and seek counselling for your relationship.

LIP sometimes you have to be careful for what you ask because you may get it. It does appear that you have not been happy in this relationship, perhaps because it cost to much at the beginning.
HAve you thought it may be better to let her go???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by Lost in pain:
I even paid for her to divorce the guy...

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How much?

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 8 years ago I started dating a girl married to a friend of mine. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">correction:

8 years ago you started SCREWING a girl married to a friend of yours.

MARRIED women do not date...They screw around on their H's.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now 8 years lady she is cheating on me </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And this is a surprise because.....?????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I never thought that she could leave me someday.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why not?? It's in the cards...afterall didn't she leave her H FOR you???

committed

Lost in pain --
Your pain may be even greater because you must have discussed the meaning of affairs at the time you connected. When her affair dies a natural death, if it does, try reading "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders."

No one deserves the pain you are in, even if you caused that same pain to another person.
Cherished

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cherished:
<strong>

No one deserves the pain you are in, even if you caused that same pain to another person.
Cherished </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I put my hand on a hot stove, I most certainly DO deserve the pain from the resulting burn. That is just simple common sense. If you marry a cat, you can't very well be surprised when the cat goes MEOW!

really MelodyLane?

So then I deserve this too. Read the thread where I am struggling http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=031144

Whether he deserves it or not .. he is still in pain, a pain you know. So instead of doing what looks like a happy dance .. show some compassion, even Jesus would.

Cherished is.

way2

way, yes REALLY.

I do have compassion, however, when you put your hand on a hot stove, it's inane [and counterproductive] to act surprised when you get BURNT. There are most certainly consequences to choices and there is no virtue in pretending there is not.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by Lost in pain:
I even paid for her to divorce the guy...

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How much?

Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">again... how much did you pay for her to divorce her husband?

Pep

Dear MelodyLane,
(sorry for the threadjack, LIP)

Me thinks you're a bit harsh here.. if your H cheats on you again.. will you "not be surprised" because you knew he did it before? Will it not hurt?

At some point we decide to trust our partners again, if even they did things that hurt us and destroyed the naive trust we had in them. This is the only way to have a loving relationship again.

Lost In Pain probably thought his girlfriend really loved him and wouldn't cheat on him, even though she did cheat before. That's very human, especially if you really love someone yourself. I'm not saying it was a nice thing he did to his friend, of course.

Lost In Pain probably thought his girlfriend really loved him and wouldn't cheat on him, even though she did cheat before.

I am going to be so bold as to ask why he would think that she wouldn't. What does he have to go on here?

He aided her in the cheating with her H. Why would he think she wouldn't cheat. She ALREADY has...with him!

What do you want people to say to him...

do you want people to tell him it is going to be ok (it isn't)...

do you want people to tell him that she really does love him (donuts to dollars that she doesn't)....

do you want people to explain to him that she is in the "fog" (sounds like she is a permanent resident of the "fog")...

do you want people to tell him that she will need to earn his trust (oh lord...anyone else want to laugh at that one?)...

do you expect empty platitudes and nurturing comments in his endeavor to maintain a relationship with his adulterous partner (the most insane comment...isnt it)?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Lord, I checked my pockets and I am all out of those things. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Guess I will have to leave the thread alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

committed

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I am going to be so bold as to ask why he would think that she wouldn't. What does he have to go on here?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because you don't understand that it is a problem with the inner being .. you think it is a probelm due ot circumstances

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He aided her in the cheating with her H. Why would he think she wouldn't cheat. She ALREADY has...with him! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">see above

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you want people to say to him...

do you want people to tell him it is going to be ok (it isn't)...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Really? It could be.. these two people need to work on themselves ... I'm been here. and my marriage to Myad is now very good

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">do you want people to tell him that she really does love him (donuts to dollars that she doesn't)....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And you know this?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">do you want people to explain to him that she is in the "fog" (sounds like she is a permanent resident of the "fog")...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes that actually would be nice and consistant with this site.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">do you want people to tell him that she will need to earn his trust (oh lord...anyone else want to laugh at that one?)...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No I won't laugh (I would never laugh at anothers pain) .. and yes, it can be done, with a lot of work from both parties.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">do you expect empty platitudes and nurturing comments in his endeavor to maintain a relationship with his adulterous partner (the most insane comment...isnt it)?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Empty, no
Compassionate, yes
Is it possible? Yes it is. It takes growth from both individuals.
Are there examples even on this board .. yes, me and go look up Stunnded Dad's posts on the topic (from within his own family) and then there is Sting.

Stop doing the happy dance.

way2

<small>[ August 16, 2004, 01:28 PM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

Yes that actually would be nice and consistant with this site.

Excuse me...but the last time I looked this was a MARRIAGEBUILDING site. It is NOT a "keep your affair on track after you break up a marriage" site.

What part of that confuses you way2?


Stop doing the happy dance.

This has me confused...

Did you address me with this comment?

If so, what about my post says that I am doing a "happy dance"?

committed

<small>[ August 16, 2004, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by brownhair:
<strong>

Lost In Pain probably thought his girlfriend really loved him and wouldn't cheat on him, even though she did cheat before. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Brownhair, I am not saying he deserves it as an act of karmic retribution, but because he volunteered for it by marrying an adulterer in a relationship that is a direct consquence of an adulterous affair.

He ain't a victim; he VOLUNTEERED for this duty. His illusions about "love will conquer all" do not excuse that fact. When you put your hand on a hot stove, you DESERVE a burned hand because it is a consequence of your choice.

When you marry a known adulterer, in an ACT OF ADULTERY, you should not be surprised when they......[surprise GOMER!].... commit adultery!

What they do WITH you, they will do TO you.

Now certainly I have compassion for his self inflicted pain, [not much, though] but that does not erase the fact that he is in this position because of his own choices. Portraying him as a victim is not helpful, nor is it accurate.

There is no empowerment in victimization, there is empowerment in owning one's own choices.

Cause and effect, cause and effect..........

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Yes that actually would be nice and consistant with this site.

Excuse me...but the last time I looked this was a MARRIAGEBUILDING site. It is NOT a "keep your affair on track after you break up a marriage" site.

What part of that confuses you way2? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay I will admit that I am assuming a marriage between him and his partner of 8 years has taken place ... with that in mind:

After 8 years there is a marriage in place ... not gotten there by the best of means, but a marriage in place.

This is where it all gets muddy.

There is a marriage ... the affair turned to marriage, is no longer an affair .. but a MARRIAGE none the less ...

So this marriage should be now broken .. or supported? And if you go to my post along the same line you would be among those who think I shold leave Myad? Here let me give you a link to help you get there http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=031144

So you don't want to build this marriage ..
It's no longer an affair and chances are her xh as moved on.

So this should be a marriage building site for only those marriages that were fonded on the best of circumstances.

So he got karmic retribution .. that's for God.
He is still in pain.

way2

Looking back to the original post I realize that NO WHERE does it say that they are married...
it says "my relationship"...not "my marriage".


Hmmm....does that mean that you are not married?

committed (who thinks it is a relevant question)

We are not married yet..We have been living together for the last 8 years.

Try reading "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders." By definition, people who live together before marriage are renters. The book is very insightful. We didn't live together before marriage, but I was a renter and my husband was, I believe, a freeloader.
Cherished

LIP

You must understand that it is very hard for so many here to give you advice which is to many is to continue an affair based relationship.
You are the person that any BS fears from the point of destroying their Marriage and whose behaviour they LOATH.

You have given very little info on the affair so it has been taken on face value. I guess thats because for you it was 8 years in the past. But in our eyes it doesn't matter.

I find it hard myself even though I am new here as a BS. I have been doing a lot of reading here and elsewhere learning more about affairs then I have ever wanted to.

Firstly you must realise that it is very rare for any relationship that was created from an affair situation as yours to last very long. Research indicates 12 months to 3 years seems to be the average. That yours has lasted 8 years is more the exception to the rule. Though you say there has been quite a bit of strife.

I believe you will have great difficulty getting your GF back at all. Again this opinion is based on research not any info you have provided as there has not been much.

LIP, you did help in creating the situation you find yourself in. You seduced and encouraged a wife to leave her M. This woman then became your GF and I would suggest has not been really happy or satisfied in this relationship since her divorce. In fact she may even have come to resent YOU greatly for encouraging her to divorce in the first place.

I suggest that over time she may have come to see you as the perpetrator and she the victim, of course the truth is that both of you were wrong then.

I think its possible that she has come to see that there is NOTHING wrong in what she has done, first to her H and then to you.
You see, if she ever came to realise this, that it was wrong to cheat on you, then you would loose her anyway because she would know this latest relationship as well as her relationship with you are unsupportable. She would then be wrong on both ocassions.

We are are all reading between the lines here LIP based on the 'tone' of your post and the info you have provided.

I honestly don't see how methods created to maintain, support and hopefully repair a Marrriage/Defacto M, through the pain and horror of infidelity can help you in this case. At least from my limited knowledge of it all.

Lost, sometimes you just have to let it go and continue on with your life as painful as that may be. From what you have and have not said I think its best for both of you. Though I doubt you will see that right now.
Sometimes in life you lose.

Lost, pick yourself up, spit life right in the eye and start again. In the circumstances its the best advice I can give you.

<small>[ August 17, 2004, 10:07 AM: Message edited by: aussie2 ]</small>

hi