I just posted my scenario under the "Just found out" infidelty column. I was out of town when I found out my wife had cheated. I return home this Wednesday. The OM is back in Bosnia where he works, was a lover in 1989, has proposed marriage, WW initially accepted. He doesn't appear to have a realistic plan to pull it off though. She is very infatuated with him, but says she feels compelled to give me a second chance since she lied and deceived me for the past year. The last few days though that commitment seems to be wavering.

I need to know from someone who was in her shoes what she might be thinking right now. I won't rewrite my lengthy post, but suffice it to say I desperately want my wife and children back and I want to make the necessary improvements in myself to meet her needs.

We have a nice date planned for the day after I get home. I want to be very careful during this evening together, so your help is greatly appreciated.

WW - 40, athletic, beautiful and smart
Me - 40 US Air Force 17 yrs
Children - B -7yrs adopted,retarded; G - 11yrs, ours by birth
D-Day - 3 Aug
Yrs Married - 12+

Zoomie,

Sorry to respond here on your thread but I feel compelled.

I am a BS also by my WW. Please, please read and follow the steps on exposure. Do it quickly and do it now, especially to OMW(if there is one) and family. This is not something that will go away by you trying to protect your M, sad to say that is gone and will never return. But you have a tremendous opportunity to build a better M.

I saw in your identity that you have an adopted retarded son. I may be jumping the gun but that may be the source of your M's greatest inner turmoil but also its greatest strength. If you get a chance please fill us in on your background especially relating to your son.

Best of luck. My prayers are with you.

Cymanca, thanks for writing back.
My wife became a Christian 10 yrs ago (I, too, am a Christian) and like everything she does she became very zealous and very rigid. She has homeschooled my daughter for the last six years and our retarded son for the last two. She has been very reluctant to let outsiders have any influence in our lives. I have tried to encourage a less rigid lifestyle several times, but have been rebuffed. We moved to Hawaii from Okinawa Japan last July. It was during that move that something snapped in my wife. The Internet affair began almost immediately. When I came across a secret email account a few months latter that the OM had set up for her I confronted her. She readily agreed to get rid of the account, but begged me not to break off her "friendship" with the OM. He is a life-long single man who has never held a job above the level of security guard. I acquiesced to demonstrate my trust, and I was subsequently burned as you can see.

My son comes from China of two birth parents who were learning disabled. He is fairly high functioning, but will probably never get beyond 4th grade academically. He is loving and lighthearted, but obviously a handful.

Now, my wife seems to be throwing all caution to the wind and wants to swing to the opposite side of the pendulum. I just want to be a stabilizing person in her life until she calms down and hopefully thinks rationally. She has said she would like to make her decision based off her emotions, which means the OM. But she is at war with her logical side that says I deserve the opportunity to make it work since she has been lying and deceiving me for the past year.

Does this make any sense?

Zoomie,

Yes in the perverted viewpoint of a WS, it does make a lot of sense.

First, I think that anyone( you and your wife) that is willing to adopt, especially in the circumstances you describe has an extremely loving and moral inner core. Secondly, her faith ( and hopefully yours)will give a solid foundation as you are forced to deal with the terrible upheaval in your lives for the next few weeks, months and years.

A rigid personality often is a defense against personal fears, perceived inadequacies and in many instances low self esteem.

I am personally not a big fan of Plan A, but in your instance I would embrace it and implement it ASAP. Remember to not fall into the trap of begging, pleading, rationalizing etc.. She won't hear what you say but your neediness will be transparent. She will blame you either directly or indirectly for this A but diametrically she needs you to remain someone that she respects and remains the same steady man,husband, and father. I will post a URL from Dr Dobson on Couples in Crisis.

http://www.troubledwith.com/Web/gro...amp;sssct=Other%20Things%20to%20Consider

Best of luck, but I am encouraged by what I have read.

Again my prayers are with you.

<small>[ August 15, 2004, 02:28 PM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>

Hi Zoomie

i am a FWS. I am now a BS so I understand what you are going through and also what your wife is going through. I also had a lot of responsability , as mother of 7 children , and my affair (which was also an internet thing) was the ultimate escape from this.

Your wife is behaving in a typical BS way at the moment. She is in the fog. She believes she is totally in love with the other man; this is a love that defies all logic and is based solely on emotions and her desire to escape. She also knows that the right thing to do is to stay with you.

When my husband found out about my affair his behaviour was totally erratic. One minute he was smothering me with love and affection and the next minute he was calling me names. I understand that this was out of frustration but in the end this verbal abuse almost killed my love for him and made me feel justified in leaving. I read somewhere that for every negative comment in a marriage there need to be 10 positive comments, or the marriage will enter a downward spiral.

What you need to do is a solid PlanA. Read up on this site as much as you can and get a copy of "Surviving an Affair". Avoid Love Busters at all costs. Remember the ratio above. At the momemnt your wife is probably too much in the fog for your to be able to begin meeting her needs but you need to guard against Love Busters like the plague. She will be looking for excuses for this not to work...dont give her any!!! Come here and vent your heart out when you feel frustrated. We understand and will hear you out and give you love and support.

In the meantime be incredibly positive with her. Compliment her, make her feel like a queen. Let her know how much you value her. Make sure you offer her your arm when you are out. Most womens primary need is affection. You are going to have to walk the thin line between offering affection without smothering her.Make sure that you have fun times togather. As she comes out of the fog, all these things will help to begin to make deposits in her lovebank.

You would also be wise to invest in a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs". This will give you more ideas of what your wife's needs are and how you can truly make your marriage better than it ever was. Right now she is probably not ready for things like the emotional needs questionaire. Just make sure that you have fun times together so that her experiences with you are positive.

She will be negative with you. Right now she knows she should stay with you but the truth is that she probably doesnt want to and she probably believes she will never have the kind of happiness with you that the other man could have given her. These negative comments are called "fog talk". Tell us about them but make positive comments back to her or simply hold your tongue.

The road you are on is not an easy one, it is often refered to as the roller coaster because there are so many ups and downs, but it will be worthwhile. We are all rooting for you:)

Debra

<small>[ August 15, 2004, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: Debbra ]</small>

Debbra, Thanks so much for writing. Your viewpoint is the tyoe I'm looking for as I try to cope with this. She is all over the place at the moment. As I said earlier, I still haven't returned home since this happened due to my military commitment. Within 24 hours of D-day she began calling me. Within 48 we had a steady dialogue going on for about 6 days. She has called me almost every night, and some of the conversations have been sheer h*!! as she tried to place all this on me, but thanks to getting ahold of this website before that day came I was able to hold my tongue and just take it.

In the course of the same conversation she will say that maybe we're too far along to save it, but she'll also tell me of plans she's making for the kids so we can date more often. The OM is single and is in Bosnia now. He has extended family on Oahu where we live. He was irate with her this past Monday when he found out she was talking to me and considering reconciliation. I believe he his pestering her daily, but it has to be getting expensive for him. The negative stuff she says sounds at times like arguments he would present, not her. I'm just trying to quietly be supportive when I talk on the phone with her in hopes she won't make any rash decisions in the next 72 hours before I finally see her face-to-face for the first time since D-Day.

Please, please stay in touch. I will need insight like yours in the days and weeks to come. I am committed to working through this which I think both exasperates and encourages my WW.

jsmitch63@earthlink.net

Zoomie..first I need to say that its brilliant that your wife is talking with you so much.

She is suffering a lot of hurt right now. The OM has gone away. I suspect your being away was a major factor in the affair and now he has also left. She must be really distraught. Dont expect her to see things from your point of view or have any sympathy for you. Right now she is totally focussed on herself and her own pain. You must be really tempted to hit her upside the head with a 2x4 but dont. She isnt going to recognise your pain for a long time. I remember seeing my husband in tears and apologising for what I was putting him through. I was really sorry that he was suffering but all I was on a one way street in my own pain. Sure I was sorry for him but I couldnt feel past myself. This is all part of being in the fog. You and I are both so lucky because we have this programme and so we know what to expect and how to react.

The mixed signals are typical. I remember giving them to my husband and he does the same thing to me. You are doing really well by being quietly supportive.

The OM is in Bosnia. I suspect they are having daily contact by email etc. When the time is right you will need to ask your wife to write a no contact letter to him and to stop all contact.
This will not be easy for her.

Buying "Surviving an Affair" and asking her to read it will introduce this concept and the reasons for it to her, without the love busting of your bringing it up and trying to explain it to her. After a while you will be able to approach her and discuss what she thinks of the concepts in the book, especially NC (which is really the first step out of this addiction).

Really you just need to approach things very slowly. Much of the time you will be very frustrated, you will go through depression...dont hesistate to get meds if you feel this happening. I am on prozac and I can honestly say that it helps me not to emotionally overreact to my husband. Many of his remarks flow off me like water ona ducks back. This is just what is needed in Plan A.

Just keep posting and we will keep supporting you!

How long will you be home for?

Debbra, I don't know of any long trips for me for at least 16 mos. That's not to say that I won't see a two or three week trip in the next Spring when the military begins their annual exercises in the Pacific. I am taking two weeks vacation when I get home on Wednesday. I told my wife that if she feels cramped by this after a few days that I will go back to work so as not to aggravate things.

We are planning to go to a luau together the day after I get home. She also may have found a Friday night activity for the kids that would enable us to go on a 90 minute date every week. I really have to admit to killing the romance in our marriage. I know one of her major doubts about me is that I will not sustain my new enthusiasm for our relationship. All I can do is try.

I'm nervous about the meds. I'm trying to build as wide a support network as I can so that when I get torn to bits by my WW or my thought life gets out of control there will be someone to talk to, but I will keep your advice under serious consideration. Thanks for responding. I appreciate the insight.

One last question. My wife is very sexual. Right now we are planning to sleep apart, what do I do if she invites me back to the bedroom? I'm concerned that if she sleeps with me before breaking off with the OM that she'll end feeling like she's cheating on him now and sink even lower into depression.

Cymanca, thanks for the encouraging words. I cling to them like a drowning man to a life raft. My mother and father have been a great encouragement and have been exhorting me to keep my head on straight. They honestly believe that if I do I wil regain my marriage and that it will be better. In many ways it seems hard to believe right now, but I believe all the other options are far worse...I am a committed family man, and I am committed to doing my part to make this M work again. My wife said the other day she was surprised by my commitment to her and that she didn't deserve that kind of love. I told her it wasn't about what she deserved, it was about how I felt about her and always had.

BTW - my message is dropping like a rock to the bottom of the General Questions II. How do I stay incontact with those who have shown an interest in my situation?

Zoomie,

To get your message back on top just give it a
bump by replying to yourself

<small>[ August 15, 2004, 08:28 PM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>

Zoomie...in answer to your question about sleeping with your wife if she asks you....

DO IT !!!!!

First if she is so sexual then sexual fulfillment must be high on her list of emotional needs. I find that having sex with my husband is one way that he becomes very tender towards me, at least for a short while, and afterwards he often prepared to open up and talk. Dont lose the opportunity of this happening with your wife.

Secondly dont worry for one minute about her "cheating" on the OM. You are her husband, she is very aware of this. She is a Christian woman and she knows what is right and wrong. Really this isnt an issue. Any opportnity you can take to get close to her needs to be grabbed with both hands.

I am very very hopeful for you. Your wife seems very open to working on your marriage. You still have lots of work to do. Its lovely that you have the 2 week vacation. Make sure that you have lots of family fun and take the opportunity to take those dates with your wife, even if they are short! Look around into getting a proper babysitter so you can have some longer dates. Remember that Harley recommends that you spend 15+ hrs a week alone together. You may well be able to find a couple from your church or neighbourhood who would be prepared to take turns babysitting , if your wife is unwilling to leave your 7 year old with a teenager.Also dont underestimate the value of mobile phones and dates close to home if this is the case.

Another thing you might look into are dates at home, a movie, a nice meal with candles burning, anything to spend some quality time together.

In the Ideas section of the forum there are some postings you may be able to use for this end.

Keep things light and upbeat with your wife at this time. Remember that family commitment is a major emotional need for most women so fun times spent with your family while on your vacation will rate highly with your wife. Just let her negativity flow off of you. She sounds very hurt right now and scared to recommit to you but at least willing to try.

Keep posting!

Well, she's (WW) still calling me...I guess that's a good sign. Last night's conversation was pretty surface, but she did call me 'honey' at one point. Said she'd call again tonight. Not sure what mood I'll find her in today because today was to be her first appointment with a counselor (Not a MC yet)...That means she's called me everyday but one since D-Day. I stopped inquiring about the OM last Tuesday. She hasn't really mentioned him either, but I still believe he is emailing and calling her.

I am so nervous about seeing her for the first time since this all happened. It seems like it won't get here quick enough, and also seems maybe too quick. I've ordered Surviving an Affair and HNHN-Affair Proof Marriage. Should be in the mailbox when I finally get home on Wednesday.

Hope all of you are hanging in there...I appreciate your support and advice! I wish someone would tell me this is just a bad dream though.

know what u mean about the bad dream thing!

Zoomie its so good that your wife calls you every night. You are in so much better a situation than many on here.

Just relax and enjoy your vacation....and smile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Debbra, she came after me again last night on the phone. Wanted to know if I had ever hired a prostitute or slept with someone while I was deployed. Wanted to know if I was seeing someone while I was on this trip. Also wanted to know if I had any hidden bank accounts. Where did this come from, the OM, the therapist, or her? I was able to answer 'no' truthfully to every question. Maybe she's just getting very nervous about my return tomorrow. she even joked that she had all her escape plans worked out to include the women's shelter. this just doesn't sound like her talking. I've never raised my hand against my wife.

Frustrated and Getting Mad,

Debbra, she came after me again last night on the phone. Wanted to know if I had ever hired a prostitute or slept with someone while I was deployed. Wanted to know if I was seeing someone while I was on this trip. Also wanted to know if I had any hidden bank accounts. Where did this come from, the OM, the therapist, or her? I was able to answer 'no' truthfully to every question. Maybe she's just getting very nervous about my return tomorrow. she even joked that she had all her escape plans worked out to include the women's shelter. this just doesn't sound like her talking. I've never raised my hand against my wife.

Frustrated and Getting Mad,

Zoomie -

Sorry for your pain. I am a FWW, and I just wanted to add a couple of comments.

SF is very important between a H and W, and it can help to rebuild an R, but I'm concerned that if your W has had a PA, she needs to be tested for std's first, or at the very least, the two of you should use condoms.

Re her comments about having an escape plan, all I can speak from is my own personal experience, but my guess is that's she is operating under the influence of fear and guilt. That doesn't mean that you have ever given her a reason to be afraid of you. It just means that she knows what she has done is very wrong, and probably feels like she deserves to be kicked out of your house, or worse.

I did the same thing when I confessed my A to my H. He has never hurt me, but I planned which friend's house I would run to, if necessary, and I had money in my pocket, car keys in one hand, and the phone in the other while he was outside trying to calm down.

I still have a problem with fear, not necessarily of him, but sometimes just of deserving to be killed by someone or something. (Don't worry, I have an IC and meds). My H and I believe that my fears are based on guilt and that I feel like I deserve the worst.

The questions she has asked you (about hidden bank account, etc) sound like she is trying to decide if you have been unfaithful. Maybe to ease her own conscience or give her "ammunition" if she needs it?

Also, thank you for serving our country!
God bless,

Rose55

<small>[ August 17, 2004, 02:52 PM: Message edited by: Rose55 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Zoomie63:
<strong> Wanted to know if I had ever hired a prostitute or slept with someone while I was deployed. Wanted to know if I was seeing someone while I was on this trip. Also wanted to know if I had any hidden bank accounts. Where did this come from, the OM, the therapist, or her? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OM! He is sensing that she wants to return to her M and is saying anything he can to shake her. I suspect he is filling her head with things like, "all men sleep around when TDY. Everyone hires a prostitue. He is stashing money away" etc, etc. I think its a good sign really. She is backing out of the A and OM knows it.
Michael
PS Thank you for your service. I've been there and I know how tough it is to be deployed.

<small>[ August 17, 2004, 03:10 PM: Message edited by: MichaelinDallas ]</small>

Michael and Rose, thanks for writing. I graduated from a very tough Air Force school today near the top of my class. After the final ceremony I finally broken down in hysterical sobbing for the first time. It just wouldn't stop. My classmates gathered around me and some of them began crying too...I'm talking the men not the women. They are aware of what has been going on at home. I know I will never understand it, but your threads to my message are a comfort and do help me understand to some degree. I probably won't be able to post until Thursday, I'll be flying all day tomorrow. Keep me in your prayers, I want my wife and children back. God Bless you both, it is a joy to serve knowing there are grateful people like you out there!!!!

Zoomie,

My dad was a helicopter air rescue pilot, did a two year stint in Nam, and was always on TDY. My mom never messed around on him, thank God.

Just wanted to let you know, I got chills reading of your graduation, even with the tears. You are a man to be proud of, and I am so sorry of the pain you are feeling because of your WW.

She'll figure it out, and you will be fine. Hang tough!!!!

Weaver

Zoomie,

I feel for you man! I was in our Air Force when my first wife left me. There was no reconciling with her though. I was dead in the water as soon as OM got into her head. It sounds to me like you’ve got some advantages I didn’t have.

Keep up the communication. 15+ hours! That is working for me this time! (I’m going through it again. I thought lightning never strikes twice…) I know the AF can take care of counseling and lots of things that way. Take full advantage! It didn’t save my M but it helped me survive the D.

Just wanted to throw in my share of encouragement to you. I hate to see another airman get hit like that. I’d rather take a bullet!

Thank-You for your service!