HI all....i was going to post on bob pure's threat about exposure, but didnt know if that was proper precedure or not.

I have some questions about exposure.

l....is more exposure the better
2....should i get out my address book, and start calling everyone we know and expose the A.

thanks A/C0810

I think the more you expose the better it is that the A will die! I dont think you need to get out your address book <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> but definitely expose to people who matter! Boss, friends, family, OWH, etc...

A/C,
I don't think you need to get out your address book and start calling...that might make you look a little crazy.

When you call friends that you normally call, tell them.

When people call for your H, tell them he's moved in with OW. You don't have to give them the number, but you can.

When you run into anyone who asks about H, tell them he's moved out and you aren't in contact with him.

At this point it isn't your job to protect your H's reputation.

One thing to remember with exposure is that if down the road reconciliation would become something the 2 of you want, you'll both live with the words that you tell people now.

Your H might sound like that would never happen, but then, 4 months ago it didn't seem like he'd do this either, right?

On your other thread you ask about how to treat your MIL. Treat her with love. Parents of WS have a yucky position and most don't have the skills to tough love and to cut the WS/offspring out of their lives.

Let her know that you want to keep communication with her...and just see how it goes. It isn't her direct fault your H/her son is being a jerk.

But if she repeats fog-like stuff from your H, present her with the truth that you love him, you want your marriage to reconcile and he is in the wrong.

It depends on your motive. Is it to be done for love, and the desire to rebuild your marriage, or is it for revenge?

If it is for revenge, and you believe the marriage is over, and you want to tell everyone, then go for it.

If you have hopes of saving and rebuilding your marriage, then you'll expose out of love.

The MB philosophy is to Expose to help to end the affair. Exposure brings the dirty little secret out into the open, where it must face reality. It makes the affair more difficult to sustain from both parties.

The first, and perhaps most important exposure should be to the Partner of your spouse's Affair partner. The rest is up to you. Imagine concentric circles including people who you are certain would be sympathetic to your efforts to save your marriage. If you believe these people will help you in your efforts, then expose.

Remember, all those people to whom you expose may be a part of your life in the future, and there will be strains on those relationships, so exposure should be done with a great deal of care.

Go to the home page, and look through the MB philosophy, better yet purchase and read the book, Surviving an Affair, and there is a section on exposure you should read before your take the steps to expose.

This marriage recovery business is a long haul, so be patient, and learn all you can to help you along your way.

SD

A/C,

I agree with everything Lor has said but I strongly feel that written communication is best with exposure. If your WS is anything like my WW, EVERYTHING is filtered through the "fog". It is hard to refute what is in writing but very easily becomes she said/he said in oral communications.

Just my slant on exposure.

Hi all....thanks for the replys

OW's H already knows. They have an open M, he cheats on her. Actually he sounds like a sicko.
When my WH first had the A with her, the OWH sent naked pictures of his W to my H. How sick is that.

I can see now why she finally left him and sought out my H. My H is surely a better catch for her for sure than her own H. My H is probably her perfect man compared to her own H.

Having said that, looks like its gonna make it harder for this A to end. I know my H adores the ground she walks on, and with her H the way he is, she definetly adores my H.

I still have to tell H's sister about it and i think thats it. Will ask H's M is she knows when she comes today.

Anyway, to change the subject a little. Wh said yesterday to son, tell your mom we need to talk and discuss things. Obviously he doesnt understand my plan b letter.

Someone posted that i might not be able to avoid some important conversations with him. So, i would be allowed to have an important conversation by phone even in plan b. He is being very persistant about this "we need to discuss things, so we know where we stand" (in terms of bills, finances, etc) or should i just write another letter like this .....

H....first, when you find out about the support payments, let me know. I will withdraw that amount every 2 weeks.

second........you have no intentions of coming back, and want to get on with your life, yes you do need to get on with your life, and so do I, so please stop badgering me.

We are not pals or buddies as you seem to think its going to be. You are MY Husband, and i am YOUR wife.

I am not some pathetic woman, who cant get through this, I will rise above all this.

I cannot speak or see you, I love you too much, can you understand that. I hope to be speaking with your mom frequently, cause i dont want to lose contact with her. Relay any messesages you have through her.


Again, if you wish to reconcile this Marriage, you know where i live.

Now, go and be Happy

Love W

Ok, i am really confused now. I dont know what to do anymore. He wants to talk by phone, has stated emailing isnt going to work, and he will say he doesnt want to put in Mom into this.

Please Help, Again.
A/C0810

A/C,
Do you see how he is fighting no contact with you? So far he's had 2 consequences, his son doesn't want to talk to him and you've gone Plan B. He hasn't liked either one of them. I don't think he'll like ANY of the consequences he faces. And, the OW has been in a dysfunctional marriage for a long time, she's not likely to BE functional for the long haul. Affairs have been an option for her, I doubt that will change even though she has changed partners. Is your H really willing to share her with her H? Because I wonder if that relationship is over...oh well.

If your H adores her so much, and she him, then all the more reason that she meets all your H's needs. You were very open-handed when they had the affair last time, he had his home/marriage/family and he had her. She's never had to meet all his needs.

Other than clandestine sex and apparently admiration, does she even know what they are? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Email him that he has 2 options, email or his mother. Talking to you on the phone or in person is not an option.

Prior to doing so, you could ask his mom if she is willing to relay messages, explain Marriage Builders and Plan B to her and that you need a mediator/in between person as part of that plan. It is possible if she realizes you are utilizing a formal plan designed by a counselor your actions may be more clear to her.

If you outline the relationship you want to have with her, it may be easier for her to say yes and not feel like she's taking your side against her son--which is hard for most parents to do.

Hi Lor

I asked WH's mom if she would relay messages and she didnt want to get in the middle. As far as telling her about my Plan B, etc.etc., not a good idea. Actually i had to watch what i said yesterday with her because she will go back and blab everything to him. So i tryed to be very careful about what i said to her yesterday.

I found out from MIL that OW has gone back to her home to pick-up more of her things. She lives 3,500 miles away from here, she has been gone for the last week (i guess due back anytime).

I can look at this 2 ways, and only hope maybe she wont come back, or her and WH's relationship is moving forward quite quickly. Probably the later is what will happen.

Now on to the Plan B mistake i made yesterday. WH told his mom to ask me for his Visa Statement and our line of credit statement. I gave her the line of credit statement, but didnt have a Visa statement.

So I made the mistake of writing him a note for his mom to take to him, saying this:

I dont have a Visa Statement, but you can access both the Visa and Line of Credit, through the on-line banking i set up for you (i set this up months and months ago). You know what your password is.

It was only hours later after she had left, that i realized, what the heck did i do, i just met a need for him. I feel like kicking myself, ugggg.
I did break a Plan B rule here, didnt I.

Apparently his mom is doing his laundry. I said to her why isnt OW doing his laundry?

WH also wanted a list of my monthly bills. I did give him that. Utilities with an approximate amount for each bill.

If he calls here and says Look we have to talk, theres no way around this, you have to talk to me, we need to get things straigtened out.

Do i say, sorry i cant talk with you, I have to heal, I need you to respect this wish, please.
Goodbye and then hang up?

I feel so patetic not being able to figure this out on my own. Please be patient with me like you all have been.

This Plan B scares the living crap out of me. I am so scared to say the wrong thing.

Thanks so much for your help, it is so much appreciated for everyones replys.

A/C0810

So WH is 48 years old and his mother is 'enabling' him like he is her 10 year old child? She will do his laundry but not help him help himself or save his M. What kind of a grandmother is she anyways?

Tell your SIL about the WS and his mom. They both are pathetic and the OW will use that to her advantage. Even if the Ow's H is a loser (even if with big emphasis on the 'if'), the OW will probably see your WS as an upgrade and will now stake her claim and claws into your M.

Be prepared.

L.

A/C 0810,

I will admit to not knowing your whole story.....but still some questions for you.

How do you know the OM is a sicko and wants an open marriage, ect,?
Have YOU ever communicated Directly with him Yourself?

(After all His wife could have used his email to send stuff to your H).
I know my wife and I both have access to each others email.

If you've NOT communicated with the OWH directly then you must be getting your information from your H.
Boy, I'd say there is one source you can count on for Total Honesty!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (yes, sarcastic)

Hey, it all may be true.......then again if your ONLY source is your WS and OW.... then I say "Let the buyer Be WARE"!

This is your M darn it!
Its just NOT good enough to say you were told "xyz" or you Heard this and that!

Surely, you would want to make sure of the facts for yourself. After all, This is YOUR life were talking about here.
Why leave anything to chance?
OWH may be getting a very similar message about you as your getting. (Even if it is all lies and misdirection).

(Someone on MBers recently had their WS telling everyone that their BS was a MC and in full support of the A....none of it true....sheesh).
Imagine that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
A WS or OP actually willing to lie..... to get their way, make things easier for themselves or to make themselves look or feel better about what they are Doing.

Even if he is the way you "think" he is ... wouldn't it be better for you to confirm and verify this? What could it hurt?
Especially if your NOT getting the whole picture.
This is a possibility if you've never spoken to him yourself.
Anyway, just think about it.

In any case, If you've already nailed down and confirmed this info. is 100% factual ... then I apologize for having wasting your time here and I truly hope things improve for you.

later

AC...Top Rope mentioned the WW/OM telling his family that the BS was a MC and okay with the A. That was me. It was a shock to me to find out I was okay with the entire situation. Once the truth was exposed (to OM's mother), the reaction was swift and hard. Within 5 hours I had experienced the WW's comments (straight from the MB textbook) and started to witness some withering of the A on the vine. I was a nervous wreck all day before exposure and after, I felt that it was all worth it and everything I had learned from the experienced MBr's was true. Read Bob Pure's thread as well and what the folks here say about exposure seem to be universal.