Know that my wife has found out and I have admitted the affair! How can I can I keep her from a devorce? I love my wife dearly and have two children 9 & 3 been married for 16yrs and together for 18 I don't want to lose her or the children.
I told her that I'm truly sorry, ashamed & regret all the hurt, pain, humiliation & disrespect I have inflicted on her and the girls our marriage and I love her and the girls with all my heart.
She has told me that she will try to work on our marriage, where I have told her that I will change to make our marriage better and I know we can have a better marriage than before the affair, but right know all she keeps saing is a that she needs space and evn suggested me moving out.
I don't think me moving out is the soultion for us or the kids. Could you please give me some advice on how to keep from pushing her away?
If it was not for the children she would have left by now IJUST DON'T WANT ANYMORE PAIN FOR ANY OF US!!!

THANKS

<small>[ August 16, 2004, 12:21 PM: Message edited by: DTEL ]</small>

Dtel, I applaud you for telling her the truth, but actions do have consequences. And this is one of the consequences. She may very well choose to end the marriage, and that is her right.

Many betrayed spouses choose to cut their losses and move on rather than trying to face the wreckage. Adultery is profoundly destructive to a marriage and a family and some BS's simply don't want to stay in a damaged marriage.

As far as leaving, I would suggest accommodating her in that regard if she feels it will help her heal. You really should be willing to do whatever it takes to repair the damage you caused.

Can you send her here to us? We might be able to help her sort through this mess.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DTEL:
<strong>
If it was not for the children she would have left by now IJUST DON'T WANT ANYMORE PAIN FOR ANY OF US!!!

THANKS </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Believe me, her "pain" has not even begun. Your "pain" was a result of your CHOICES, she didn't choose any of this. This is the greatest betrayal a spouse can suffer. She is facing about 12 to 24 months of "pain."

Welcome DTEL - you will find a lot of support and help here.

First things first - write a no contact letter to your former affair partner. This should be short and pointed. Just say you made a huge mistake by strayng outside of your marriage, you hurt your family deeply, and you are committed to rebuilding your marriage. Specify that you never, ever want to have any contact again. Show this letter to your wife, ask her if she wants you to add anything to it, then sign it, address it, and ask your wife to send it. Send a copy to your former affair partner's spouse if she's married.

Read everything on this site and ask your wife to visit here to get support from others in her situation.

Do not expect her to embrace you very quickly. Get into counseling as soon as she is willing.

Keep asking questions here and keep reassuring your wife that you mean business on rebuilding your marriage.

Glad you admitted it, it's worse when the betrayed spouse(BS) finds out and the wayward spouse still denies(WS)... but if you don't want any more pain .. I'm sorry but when you had the affair you chose to hurt the woman you married.

That hurt is profound and not something easily brushed away. It can take 1 - 3 years of healing... and it will get worse before it gets better. I hope you are truly committed and in for the long haul.

She's on an E-ticket ride that you put her on .. she had no choice. Her only choice now is to either ride it and stay with you, or leave you and repair the damage to herself another way.

You chose a marriage ending action.. now it's all up to her. She's in control now.

If she wants you to move out, well then that's what you need to do.

If she wants to go to marriage counseling, you'd better not drag your feet or discourage her.

If she asks you for details, DO NOT tell her it will only hurt her more -- answer her questions in full.

You must be completely honest with her. Even if that honesty hurts you (or her, but it's nothing compare with the pain already inflicted).

You can suggest she go to an individual counselor to help her through this.

You must be accountable to her about what you are doing and your where about at all times -- for as long as she needs you to be.

You can suggest that she read books on surviving affairs (you can even buy them yourself, read them and leave them out for her).

You can suggest that she read the posts here.

You cannot rush her healing .. this is her time table not yours.

You can stand up and be there for her tears, her yelling, her anger (though she may not physically abuse you).

You can hold her after she, in her pain, has broken every dish in the house (just recalling that wrenches my gut).

You may need to run after her.

You may need to protect her from herself, when her pain becomes more than she thinks she can bear.

You may not demand of her to "get over it," "be herself," "deal with it,"suck it up," etc.

You may never demand that she trusts you. And you can never get angry if she doesn't. IF she learns to trust you again it will be on her own time. You have to live with the knowledge that she may never trust you again.

You may need to say "I'm sorry" 2,000,000 times -- as much as she needs to hear it, without ever getting angry.

You can tell her that you love her. You can help her regain her sense of self (your affair took that away).

You can give her flowers and do things that make her feel beautiful, special and loved -- for none of those things she is feeling right now.

You will need to be non demanding if she doesn't want to have sex with you and understanding if the images in her head prevent you from having a romantic evening.

And frot your side if you want to stay in this marriage (it is really not your choice now, it's all hers) you need to be contrite and be the BEST, unselfish, caring and thinking of her needs, supporter she'll ever find.

You may NEVER defend your OP to her, in word or in action. Start by writing the no contact letter.

And finally say NOT one unkind, mean, nasty, diminishing, LB thing to her -- even if she does you. She didn't ask for the pain you inflicted on her.

way2

written from both sides of the fence

<small>[ August 15, 2004, 07:46 PM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

I forgot to add

I know it's hard on the WS to understand the depth of pain inflicted on their BS (I've been on both sides of the fence) so here is something that may help you.

They say that betrayal of you spouse is worse than rape. The pain is more intense, more long lasting, as well as the triggers. In most cases this is true.

For in general rape is carried out by a stranger or near stranger to whom you have little invested or entrusted in. The rape of yourself, your worth, your esteem and view of yourself is what happens to a betrayed spouse in an affair.

Though we too often fly by the word "betrayal" it is a very deep word and it's meaning powerful very powerful -- just as the meanings of "trust" and "loyalty" are.

Betrayal is made all the more tougher that rape because if you are trying to heal yourself and your marriage after an affair -- unlike rape -- you are generally not trying to rebuild your life with your rapist .. much less sleep with him/her.


way2

<small>[ August 15, 2004, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

DTEL, Please be totally honest with your W. My H continued to lie for months about his A's (FOG) but now I just don't trust him & continue to have doubts whether he has told me the whole truth about them all, even though he says he has & there is nothing else to tell. Said that he didn't tell me everything because he didn't want to keep hurting me. Let me tell you that EVERY time I found out something else, it is like going back to square one again & you relive the entire thing over & over. This is a horrible way to live, so DON'T LIE to her now that she knows you have been unfaithful to her. Way 2 says it all. I'm going to show my H this. Thanks & Good Luck. You sound like a nice guy, just off the rails.

WH 52
BS 48
DD 24
DS 22
H had several affairs over 10 yrs

thank you eyesopened .. not sure which of the two you are talking about ... I'm trying to correct the grammar and the misspellings in both.

I also added a few things to my list that i thought of while at the store.

hope it all helps

way2