Well I finally did it. I called the OM GF and and we talked for a while. I felt for her as her world came crashing down around her as mine did a month ago.

I said that I loved my wife very much and I want to do whatever I can to stop the affair and give us a chance to rescue 17 years of marriage. I said I was sorry for any hurt my information would cause , but I felt she deserved to know also so she can make decisions about her own relationship with OM.

I gave her plain evidences regarding the A and she broke down.

She says she wants to leave him , can't trust him etc etc.

I just said that I felt the same way on d-day but I suggested that she give herself some time before making any unreversable decisions, not least because there is a child involved.

The call was horrible, but the A is now exposed to the OM GF.

OM called my WW within half an hour of my ending the call. She then texted me with a message saying
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ' well done, you have just blown any chance you had!'.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not sure if she means that, and I am prepared for a realy cacastorm over the next period of this.

When i met her she said :
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 'thanks ! She's leaving him so we can be happy together'.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I replied ' I love you so very much that I did what I felt was best to help save our marriage'.

She said nothing, just stormed off.

Having said that she hasn't made any move out yet, just been more sullen and angry than of late.

I really hope I have done the right thing.

Strangely she has just taken my D to buy new school uniform for September. Hardly the actions of someone looking to move out. And she did some ironing for me. Bizarre.

I took my kids out bowling again while she steamed. I invited WW but she didn't come with us, not surprisingly.

I'm just plan-a'ing my newly slim buns off for now.

* scared *

<small>[ August 16, 2004, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Sounds like you are following the exposure plan..

Amazing how it's Your fault - You blew any chance of getting your marriage back in order...Fog Talk..Believe me my WH would say the same thing...Like we are so lucky to have them sitting on the "fence". It's all Fog -

Keep us posted - since I haven't exposed yet - I want to see what she does next...

Bob, that must have been a very difficult call for the both of you. Congratulations on having the courage to do that and for allowing the GF to make her own decisions with the knowledge you gave her.

Your W's response seems pretty textbook, doesn't it?

((hugs))

Good job Bob. They all say the same thing -"You just blew any chance we had". It is so strange, but I guess it comes out of the WS textbook.

Sit back, and do nothing. Maybe their fantasy world will implode.

Good job, Bob. You did the right thing.

Now just keep doing your Plan A and sit back and watch. Your wife's behavior and demeanor may flip flop numerous times and do so without any apparent cause. Try very hard not to react to these changes nor allow her to bait you into arguments about anything.

WAT

Thanks all. I hope I did the right thing. I said before that this is a heroes gig, and that was one tough call this morning.

I do feel somewhat liberated by having taken an affirmative action, I must say, but fearful that it may drive them together.

But I also feel terrible for the OM GF. She was distraught, and sounded a lovely person. I hope she has good friends.

Bob, I think you did right. People make mistakes and mistakes such as adultry is a very serious one. I am the WW. I know a recovery needs honesty. It may not seem to be your business to inform the OMG, but now at least everyone is on the same page. Your WW should realize that OM is not 100% into her if he hasn't told his GF. I myself was so afraid of loosing my H(also afraid of his temper), I tried to hide and make things look less worse. But only made things messier. My lesson is honesty is the most important.

Great job, Bob

Now hunker down for any storm that ensues, and Plan A your A$$ off. Now she's encountering the same chaos in her mind, that you have had for a while.

She needs a safe place to fall, and you are the one to "catch" her.

Her reaction is normal. Just assure her you did it because you believe in you two as a couple, and the love you have for her is so strong you had to take the risk of telling.

You have made the right decision, and you have handled it well. Keep posting for support. These dark days may intensify for a few days while she processes this information, but in most cases, when the lids blown off, it subsides rather quickly.

Now is the time to roll up your sleeves and show WW how your changes are for the positive, and you are in this for the long haul.

Well done, Bob. You should be proud of your progress so far, even if it feels like you've done "something wrong" in the exposure. You've done the right thing!

If you didn't mention MB to OM's GF, you might want to consider that. If she goes to "work" on her R, it will give OM something else to think about and occupy his mind, rather than your WW.

Stay strong

SD

Bob I sense a new name for you.

SlimBuns <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good job, now hold onto your britches, the ride is about to get bumpy. I'm praying for you.

You did good, and the right thing. Of course not in your W's eyes, but come on, she wants her cake and eat it too, we know she isn't thinking clearly.

Great job.

{{{{{{{{BOB}}}}}}}}}

KY

Bob Pure,

Congrats on taking that all important First Step!

Although scary and definitely Uncomfortable, it is the only wedge you have to pry these 2 apart.

Now if any more contact occurs (ANY) then you must be prepared to continue the Exposer.
Again not easy or any fun....but necessary.

You've done it once and the world didn't end. So you know you CAN do it (should it be needed).

This is your W's call.
NO more contact = NO more exposer.
However, the reverse is just as true.

Once again, you are giving her a chance. Its her choice in how she responds.

I know it took you a while to get your nerve up to make this first exposer.
IT'S Tough...I know.
But you must be prepared to continue. You just worked up your courage...don't start "backtracking" now.

Hard as it is, If their is any contact you MUST continue to expose IMMEDIATELY.
NO delays. No procrastination this time.

Yes, she IS going to be angry for a time.
She just had her "cake eating" and "fence sitting" position taken away.
So being upset is quite normal.

If you truly want to M to work, then this is just a time your going to have to ride out.
However, I realize that me saying this to you doesn't make it any easier....and your RIGHT it sucks!

Lastly, you've been reading here and seem to have a plan. Excellent!
As a result, Don't let fear rule you. It's a challenge to not let the "what ifs" and maybes make you indecisive and frozen in place.
Stick to a proven plan....thats what gives your M and relationship its BEST chance at recovery.

Wishing you success!
later

<small>[ August 16, 2004, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

Good job, Bob.

Now, listen up.

Your wife is going to be a poopoohead for the next week or two weeks. She'll act like you've destroyed the world and that she's now justified in doing anything she wants to.

Those are both false.... and luckily the anger associated with exposure fades pretty quickly. (But MAN it burns hot while it's there.)

Your next crucial step in Plan A is beginning your preparation for Plan B. People spend way WAY too long in Plan A.... and it kills their marriages because they can't do it perfectly. So start planning and preparing. Think through everything you may need to do to get to Plan B. The goal is to get to a point where you can go from Plan A to Plan B in an hour if you have to.

It saved me one day when things went south in a hurry. Didn't save my marriage, but it saved ME. That's important.

Bob

One other point. This may have dispelled a bunch of "truths" that OM may have told your WW. He "could" have told your WW that his relationship was sour, he was leaving the GF for your WW, and that she "knew" he was on the way "out".

All the lies and justifications the OM may have given to your WW, may have just been proven to be just that, lies!

Now your WW is going to be faced with the reality that, yep, just like most every other affair, there are lies and deception going on, in every direction. This will hurt her as much as any part of the equation. Reality does bite!

Know that you've done the right thing, and continue to believe in Bob!

SD

Way to go Bob! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Way to go MB'ers, good advice all around. I can't add anything to what has been said, it's textbook and all to be expected. NOW your M has some chance because you took the right action!

Bob, I will be praying for you, the ride will be bumpy for awhile but you are in it together. You know what she is feeling right now, you have been living it. Be her safe place, her strength, the man she built a life with.

Now that it's exposed, the karate tournament will take on a totally new twist. The OM may not attend, or his GF may come with him. The fantasy is gone and they have to deal with real life. You DID do the right thing even if she tells you just the opposite.

Thanks everyone !

LS, interestingly OM GF told me that he wanted to book a last minute vacation today so he can avoid the weekends tournament. She says he's been terrified of meeting me there.

Some 5th dan black belt... Must be holding his pants up.

I am going to the tourney on the weekend anyway. If he's there, if he's not, I will not be intimidated. Any pain in either of our lives is down to him and my WW not me.
It will be hard to be civil, but I will try to be.

Best of course if he doesn't show up.

<small>[ August 16, 2004, 11:13 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong>Interestingly OM GF told me that he wanted to book a last minute vacation today so he can avoid the weekends tournament. She says he's been terrified of meeting me there.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very interesting indeed... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Last minute vacation? If that's with his GF it seems like OM wants to patch up things with his GF after all..
Good for you my dear !

<small>[ August 16, 2004, 11:18 AM: Message edited by: brownhair ]</small>

Bob... Good job!!!!

Remember .... a closed mouth gathers no foot <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Stay serene ... and remain silent when confronted with ugly words or looks that kill.....

Pep

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Bob Pure:
[QB] Thanks everyone !

LS, interestingly OM GF told me that he wanted to book a last minute vacation today so he can avoid the weekends tournament. She says he's been terrified of meeting me there.

Ladysing; YEEHAWW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
That's one big point for Bob! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
That black belt is shriveling before our eyes! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Little intimidating, Mr. SlimBuns.

He is now seeing you have a black belt in Marriage building. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

One for the good guy.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> KY

<small>[ August 16, 2004, 01:46 PM: Message edited by: kyellow4 ]</small>

Ky i am a big guy (6' and 180 lbs, not much flab nowadays !) and played rugby and squash for years. I met this little old creep in June when I waved my ww off at the airport on a trip with him and the England karate squad.( i know....I know....).

I guess he has fond memories of me and it itching to meet me again full of righteous anger....

<small>[ August 16, 2004, 11:40 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

YEAH, BOB!!!

My WH said the same thing....no chance, see what you did, fog, fog, fog.

I was scared spitless and didn't sleep at all. Don't worry about it. You did the best thing for you and your marriage. WAY TO GO!