Bob,

Good job. Amazingly my WW said almost the exact same thing " You blew it". She also tossed in " I stopped letting you hurt me a long time ago". Hunker down and protect yourself. The least said is the best.

I await the worst of the storm. WW is still in my house and has made no plans to leave yet that I know of. I am plan A'ing my newly tight buns off.

My son just said when I put him to bed " Thanks for giving us a happy day when Mommy was having another sad day". I could've cried.

They know nothing of our problems officially, yet A 7 YO can tell his Mum is miserable, just as well I am coping and actively trying to make their school vacation fun through this.

Y'know..I had almost forgotten how much fun it was 'adventuring out' with my kids, cycling, bowling, forest walking etc etc. Never again will I forget.

WW can join us if she chooses.

Bob that breaks my heart. Your poor children, knowing something, yet nothing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> What a bright boy.

I'm glad you are enjoying the children, that will make you more attractive to the W as well. You are doing such a good job, in plan A.

We are hikers, bikers and bowlers too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Take care of yourself Bob... She will join you soon. Have hope my friend.

KY

Wow Bob you have my respect ....that had to be very difficult.

I have also been thinking about exposing the A but am still not sure if it would have any good effects in my marriage. I hope everything works out for the best for you either way it turns out.

Best of luck

....and now the paranoia kicks in....is she conspiring with OM ?

hmmm. Its quiet TOO quiet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good job, Bob!

Bob,even if she IS conspiring with OM....they always were anyway. Now, they are doing so without the benefit of fantasyland!

Good job on the exposure and the GF will be ultimately happier in her life knowing the truth.

I know...I know.... they would conspire anyway.

I do feel 'empowered' like I have taken a difficult affirmative step towards saving my marriage. plan A is so passive but this was dynamic. It may prove to be wrong, but I needed to do SOMETHING to end the A finally.

If contact continues I will expose to head coach next. I really don't want to, but I would rather do that than lose my love for ever.
Especially to that reptile.

I briefly took pleasure in OMs discomfort tonight, but quickly remembered the poor, lovely GF who is having the darkest day and night of her entire life right now. I pray she survives this. Poor girl. My WW hasn't thought for one seond how this would affect me, let alone her. And they dare to call this 'a LOVE affair'. They should be called pain affairs. More accurate.

I feel terrible for her. She asked if she could call me again if she needed to and I said yes, but I doubt it would be productive. Not sure what it would do positively but i could put her onto marriage builders at least.

Poor girl. Poor, poor girl.

<small>[ August 16, 2004, 04:15 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Bob, good on you.

My H said exactly the same thing. He felt empowered.

Jen

I feel terrible for her. She asked if she could call me again if she needed to and I said yes, but I doubt it would be productive. Not sure what it would do positively but i could put her onto marriage builders at least.

I bet she calls you. Usually to check out something her live-in said in defense of himself .... compare dates as in when the affair started up ... stuff like that.

I made sure OWs husband would feel free to call me if he became aware of NEW contact, and visa versa.

She's likely to use you as a fact-verifier. Not so much for support. After all, you're married to and in love with her nemesis.

Pep

<small>[ August 16, 2004, 05:01 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Way to go Bob!

Yes, by all means, welcome calls from OMW. As she verifies the details her BF tells her, you might find out from her how they are planning on working out their relationship, how he tells his GF how much he loves her and their child and wants to fix their love for each other.... and you can report that back to WW in small, well-placed doses. I call them "wake-up packets."

You done good, kiddo.

~ Snow

Bob,
Outstanding!!

One thing seems odd..."OM GF told me that he wanted to book a last minute vacation today so he can avoid the weekends tournament. She says he's been terrified of meeting me there"

WHY?? Why would he tell GF he was he terrified of you without telling her of the A?

Seems weird.

Now let the rebuilding begin.
k

Krusht,
I thought the same thing. also, why was he terrified of meeting Bob if Bob's W did not yet know that Bob was planning to go to the tournament? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Sounds like Bob's W was in contact with the OM, told him that Bob knew and the OM figured Bob might show up to put a damper on the affair. Anyway, all of this is the reason that the affair needed to be exposed.

Now the involved parties all know about the involvement. It will put an end to the secrecy and planning.

Bob, I am proud of you. You are holding it together for your kids. They need a stable parent and you are it, keep up the good work. I believe that you may have saved your marriage today.

Take it slow, it's going to be a rough ride but you are on the right track!

Bob....Sweet shot - right where it belonged. I've been away for a couple of days and I was glad to see you exposed. Isn't the feeling amazing to have a little more control of the situation.

One of your responses suggested working a Plan B letter. I can second that as just last night (after Plan A'ing my butt off), it looks like WW wants to move out and "find herself". This may be as soon as Thursday. I'm working my letter now but WAT and the others said to have it ready in case. The timeline quickened ten-fold once exposure occurred and based on what I'm seeing here with the experienced MBr's, I'm feverishly getting the Plan B letter ready.

Growing in power with you........LS

Re: OM trying to avoid the tournament that was OM GFs opinion. She said 'I wondered why he was so desperate to avoid that toutnament, he usually loves them'.

He started to get itchy about it on Friday, teh day I told my WW I was going to attend. I agree my WW had been in touch to warn him.

For whatever reason, I AM glad its in th open but this is a mean house to be a child in today. my 11 YO daughter was crying tonight asking what was wrong....

I began to mention to my WW about this and she cut me off dead ' NOT interested'.

She can be mean to me if she wants but if she upsets the kids at her peril, plan A or no plan A.

I told my D that me & mommy were working through some issues about her nan who is ill and thats why Mommy is sad. That worked. Odd how my 11 YO D is more mature than my WW is right now.

I am SO proud of her.

Thanks all. It was a big day today. We'll see if it was a good thing over time I guess.

BP,

Good to see that you've exposed the A to the OM's GF... now sit back and watch...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...I must say, but fearful that it may drive them together.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...so does this statement mean that they've actually been apart???

Their little fantasy world is about to explode... It isn't as much "fun" for them when everyone knows about it...

You're doing great!

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Bob, one more "way to go" from me. First of all you gave the GF the opportunity to know the truth of her life. You gave her a gift today. I have a feeling my OW's H was at the very least suspicious my H and OW were having an A. Recently I've thought how I wish if he knew he would have told me last summer. It would have saved me so much pain. So even though GF is in pain now, it will be better for her in the long run.

You have just burst their little bubble world. It ain't going to be half as fun now that he has the unfotuante hassle of the betrayed GF possibly threatening to take his child and leave him. You did the right thing. Hunker down now! CV

I learned much during the call with OM GF. For example, she is the breadwinner, just as I am. my WW and the OM have zero source of income if they chose to be together.

Also OM GF had been over-working to compensate for OM losing himself in his sport. The parallels are scary between both our situations.

Poor girl.

I do not feel very hopeful today BUT I just had my best nights sleep in a month.

" what would I do if I wasn't afraid?"

Exactly what i have done. I am proud even though it may not work. Cowardace never suited me.

Thanks for the kind support all. I will keep you updated.

Oops!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Even the oldies double post!!

<small>[ August 17, 2004, 02:06 AM: Message edited by: FaithfulNewCJ ]</small>

Good morning!

Bob, I have to chime in on a few things:

First, by all that you have posted, in this thread and in others, I would have to say that my instinct is telling me that they did not have NC...they were just biding their time between contact. Can you see the subtle difference? NC means, "I no longer wish to hear from you via any method of communication" and biding your time means, "I will be silent for now until we see each other at (prearranged time). I may sneak a quick call or note."

Second, you are very brave for having called the OM GF. It is difficult to do so, and I highly commend you for being willing to subject yourself to feeling some pain in order to save your marriage. GOOD JOB! I am very proud of you.

Third, your D is 11yo, right? Truly she is not old enough to understand the complexities of an A and what and why...but she is not an infant either. Children have a funny thing--when they sense that something is wrong, they get scared and think that what is wrong is the most horrible thing EVER! So your D may be frightened out of her mind making up all kinds of horrible stuff in her head, while you basically lie to her and hide this from her.

Bob, I STRONGLY recommend against this tactic, and here's why. It teaches your D by action, that if something is painful or hurts, it is okay to lie. It teaches her that you do not believe she can be trusted. It teaches her that she can not trust you. These are NOT the life lessons that a young lady in her situation needs to learn. It would be wise to teach her that even though the truth hurts to hear sometimes, it is ALWAYS best to be honest and get through it. It would be wise to demonstrate to her that she can ALWAYS, ALWAYS come to you and trust you no matter what. It would be wise to show her by your honesty that you believe in her and have faith in her to handle it...with your support.

I STRONGLY recommend that she be told what is going on in age-appropriate language. I also strongly recommend that WW sit in on this one and see the pain her actions are causing her D. Furthermore, I have put my money where my mouth is. My kids were 10yo and 12yo when my exH left us for 6mo. to move out of state and life with OW...and when he left he did not tell us where he was, so we virtually did not even hear from him for 6 months! Anyway, I told them that I did not know where dad was, that gramma had not heard from him, that I was sure he was fine but was just taking some time away, etc. As I began to put the pieces together, gather evidence, and figure out where he was, I told them in age-appropriate ways. Rather than tell them "too much" I let them ask questions, and I answered only exactly what they asked. Surprisingly, they asked good questions and were not as emotional about it as I thought they would be!

Now my kids are 15yo and 17yo, and it has not been easy...but they KNOW that I will always tell them the truth even if it's not pretty. I'm like a rock they can depend on, Bob, and that is what kids need at a time like this. A ROCK they can depend on while the whole rest of their world is shook up.


CJ