I'm having a difficult time letting my WW continue living at the house, seeing family and friends, wearing the wedding ring, etc., when she's seeing the OM every single day. The real problem with me is that she's trying to set the stage to leave and be with the OM, so she's having lunch with my parents, telling them she's unhappy, telling her friends she wants to be single, etc., which is all lies! What she wants is to be with the OM without anyone in her family, any of our friends or her employer finding out she's having the affair! She wants it to look to the world like I'm the bad guy, she left, and then fell in love with this guy.

I am afraid to expose because:

1. we are getting along better now that in a long time, and that will change that instantly
2. she'll get fired, and we have some large financial obligations coming up that, although I will pay the bulk of, won't happen without her income.
3. the public shame will devastate her.

(BTW, my affair ended 4 years ago. Its only because I had one myself that I can empathize with her ata all.)

Any ideas, or experiences? I am really torn. I have told only a couple of people, just people I had to vent to, and they aren't in contact with her or any of her friends/family.

CHWAC,

Are you worried about her making you look bad, or saving your m?

My answer could use a little more information.....

Blessings,
Atruheart

does she know about your A?

i read your other posts. sounds like you should really be in plan A mode for a while

you say it is all lies when she tells others how unhappy she is. why do you think it is lies, i would suspect she IS unhappy. accept that she is unhappy and try to change the environment she is living in in order to help bring her some happiness.

you stated in another posts that she is willing to go to MC. have you made an appt yet?? if not, why not??

Thanks for the replies - let me follow up a little:

atrueheart:

I am concerned about saving the marriage. i am not afraid to make her (or me) look bad, but it seems that unemployment on her part could make things worse for both of us.

way2:
yes. she knows who it was, the approximate time frame, and that it was serious. she also knows (and I mean knows) that it is completely over and in a no-contact situation. she also knows that one of the main reasons I haven't and wouldn't again is the pain it caused her. she suspects (wrongly) that I've had multiple affairs since we've been married.

finallylearning:
sorry - that sentence was worded wrong. she is unhappy, that's partially why she's having an affair. the lies are about her wanting to be single, etc. - she want to be with the OM! She's trying to stretch things out so everyone around knows she's unhappy so nobody is surprised when she leaves. The "lies" part of it is she never told ANYONE she was unhappy until she was in the midst of the affair. I do accept that she is unhappy, and I accept my role in her unhappiness. I can clearly see now how my neglect lead to the conditions that made the affair possible - but it was only after the affair started (but before I knew about it) that there was any communication from her (to me or anyone else) indicating unhappiness or that I needed to do some things differently.

we have an appt. with Jennifer Harle tomorrow and a local MC (who I've interviewed) on Thursday. She's willing to go to both, and even called to set up the local MC on her company's insurance plan.

BUT - i am convinced that the MC is part of the fig leaf - so she can tell everyone that she tried but we are incompatible, then she met this great guy!

Any advice is appreciated - as the affair has not been exposed, I have nobody here to bounce stuff off of.

CH, you don't necessarily have to expose the affair to her workplace [NOW], but you do have to expose it to family, friends and the OW family IF you want the affair to end. To do otherwise is to ENABLE her affair. You shouldn't help her keep her secret, it only hurts you.

I am not sure what you mean by "getting along better" but I wouldn't consider a wife in the throes of an affair to be getting along. You might be experiencing a detente in the war right now, but it won't matter how well you get along when your marriage ends in divorce because you wouldn't do anything to stop the affair. You have NO HOPE of recovery if you don't end this affair.

So, please get to exposing right away. The longer you wait, the harder it is for the affair to end. Its best to make up a list of key people and just start calling them all in one day. Do it all in one fell swoop so she can't forewarn folks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by confusedhusbandwhoalsocheated:
<strong>

we have an appt. with Jennifer Harle tomorrow and a local MC (who I've interviewed) on Thursday.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh good, I didn't see this part, CF! This is an excellent decision.

Melody -

Hope this clarifies why I am on the fence on exposure. The OM is divorced - no family. The WW's parents are divorced, and her mom is going through a real hard time - just buried her mother last week. The closest mutual friend (my best friend for the last 6 or 8 years) is a co-worker at her job. My parents know but are hiding it well. I want to tell her friends and her mom, but thing she will see that as sabotaging counseling. Certainly, when she moves out I'll tell people that ask that she had been seeing him for months before I was aware of problems with the M and for months before she moved out. At least, I think I'll do that.

You mentioned an OW. My OW is long out of the picture, although her mom was at the funeral recently and expressed concern to me over my wife's distance - she said that it was obvious to everyone at the mass that I was trying to comfort her (this being 2 days after I found out) and that she wouldn't let me.

We had an appointment with Jennifer last night. It convinced her that she needs to move out because being around me causes too much guilt-related stress. She's making it clear that I am the source of all the stress in her life right now (not the A and keeping it secret.)

I still don't know what to do about exposure - I think its the only way that the fantasy world of the affair can end, and their relationship can face reality. If their relatonship can stand up to reality, I'm prepared to let her go. But right now, I feel like I'm enabling the dishonesty and disrespect she's showing her family, her and our friends, etc. BUT, I don't want to do something that will cost her her job. Selfishly, her income helps a lot (she describes herself as the "breadwinner" to everyone else, which isn't true - I pay the majority of the bills, including the house payments, auto insurance, property insurance, property taxes, cable/internet bill, satellite bill, 4 of the 5 car payments, the note on the limo, the limo drivers' salary, the expensive county club ($20k / year), and most of the travel. Her job provides: health insurance for both, the utility bill, the phone bill, the car payment on one car, the inexpensive country club ($4k / year), the yard guy, the cleaning lady, and some of the travel.) She does her share - I've never complained, but I don't see her as the breadwinner. That said, her job will keep me from paying maintenance if we divorce, and it will make things easier economically if we reconcile, and I don't want to destroy that. I am worried that even limited exposure will eventually get out to her office. But, I can't stand the dishonesty and all the talk about how great she is and how great the OM is.

Any advice, sympathy or encouragement is appreciated.

<small>[ August 18, 2004, 11:37 AM: Message edited by: confusedhusbandwhoalsocheated ]</small>

she has decided to "spend the night" at her sister's tonight, after what i thought was a decent day. of course, she took clothes for several nights, after the "spend the night" comment then said she might be there a week. i know she's going to the OM's. when I said that I didn't want her to leave, she said "you've done this to me plenty of times". I really have no idea what she means - i've had short work trips, but her business trips are usually for training and last a week while mine are usually just a couple of days. anyway, i miss her, i don't know what to do, and I am literally going crazy with the knowledge of what she's doing and who she's with. what to do?

"she said "you've done this to me plenty of times".
I think she is referring more to past A's on your part.

I am sorry I haven't read your other posts but am assuming you are in the middle of Plan A - I think give it a little more time, Plan A - then you really have no choice but to expose the A and go to Plan B and hope she realizes the OM is not who she wants to be with

Sandy

She really was talking about me being gone - we talked later and she was equating her going to spend the night at her boyfriends while we are in marriage counseling (she promised not to see him while we are in counseling) to me being out of town overnight for work or a race.

Yesterday she told me she was going to spend the night at her sister's so she could be somewhere "neutral". Of course, she didn't go to the sister's house at all - she stayed with the OM. Its hard for me not to say something about the dishonesty, but I know that's an LB and I've been 100% (AFAIK) so far at avoiding those.

At least, and this is the only good part recently, I have asked a few of the OM's acquaintances about the guy and the nicest comment was "pompous scumbag." The guy's always been friendly enough when I see him out (even during the A, but before I was sure it was him), but I've never had real dealing with him. Nobody that has likes him, so maybe she'll come to her senses a little quicker. They are really incompatible: she works out and runs daily, he's fat and sloppy. She's libertarian and pro-life, he's a VERY liberal democrat and pro-choice. She's vegetarian, he's a meat-eater. Etc., etc., but I am more confident than ever that their relationship won't work out. I just hope I'm still around when the fog lifts.

BTW, my A's were pre-M. They hurt, they were wrong, they were disrespecful of her feelings, but they were not post "I do". We broke up for around 18 months over them (they were all three at essentially the same time.)

While we were dating each other during this period we had both slept with other people - we weren't in a "committed" dating relationship, even. Still, she took it hard, and there was a line where we both sort of assumed we were exclusive (I knew it) and I still slept around.

Confused: It's time to expose. See WAT's signature line for more details. Have you confronted the guy? The longer you prolong this, the harder it will be to recover (your M, if you hope to have that chance). Have you told her sister? When you called her to ask if she was there, was the perfect opportunity to start the exposure.

Have you read NCWalker/RunAwayPot's story here. NCW has had trouble exposing the A of RAP. There has been continued contact and this has seriously impeded their ability to recover.

Your first goal should be to stop the A. It is not easy, but it begins with exposure. Shine the light of day on this A and it will shrivel up and die though it may take time. If you don't shine the light of day on it, it may never die. Good luck!

God Bless,
RH

i will tell her sister the next time I talk with her sister. I confirmed her not being at her sisters by driving to her sisters house and physically verifying that her car was not there. I did it at midnight, 2:00am, 3:45am and 6:15 am.
I knew she was going to go see the guy - she was looking and smelling too good when she left the house at 8:00 to be heading straight to her sisters. She told me she wouldn't see him while we were in counseling, but I know she's lying on that as she's seen him almost every day. I can live with that - can't stand it, but its a reality. I can't live with "I don't plan to move out, just spend the night at my sister's house if it's okay with her. I know you don't want me to move out and I appreciate it. I just feel like I'm so confused and it might help to be in a neutral place." That's the exact text from her email. I'm going to wait until the weekend to do anything - she really, really looked bad when she came home at 7:15 this morning - not the normal glow she comes home with from the sex, but a distraught, crying, close-to-a-breakdown shell. I am taking that as a positive sign that their relationship is starting to go downhill - but it could just be her guilt.