Had to share a little...

Had a very busy weekend which is good for the mind but then Monday comes and you crash or so it seems.

Had a dinner with mutual friends on Friday...a COUPLE who used to be very close to both of us. We have so many memories TOGETHER. Perhaps I should stay away as my H has? They have been really good to me and we had a wonderful time BUT is it good for me? Is it good for my D? H is just SO in my thoughts with them.

Saturday...family wedding on my H's side...his first cousin. I was invited but didn't attend the reception in the evening. However, I did attend the church ceremony and sat with H's family in the first pew. My SIL's, our D's, my IL's...it was priceless. Everyone treated me SO well except H of course who pretty well ignored me but I did the same.

Saturday evening...I was invited to a 40 bash (outdoor) One of H's best friends was playing/singing...H at the wedding...me at this party...had a great time despite missing the wedding milestone...H's friend was terrific. Made the party somewhat easier. Asked me to come on stage to sing...I actually grabbed the mike and had some fun with the song...when I stepped off stage, a guy approached me and asked me if I was "H's" wife. I looked at him and said Yes. He went on to say that he plays soccer with H every Sunday. What was that, I thought? Hmmm...H leaves wife, wife is devastated, wife is now having a great time dancing and singing with friends (all couples) for the moment and someone reminds her she's "a wife"...

Sunday...another 40's bash...only glitch is H is also going. Well, everyone was terrific to me BUT...I felt his presence, felt his behavior and the fact that he stayed out of my way. I'm so close to the guy who turned 40...another guy in our wedding party...and his wife...and the guy's mother just loves me (the feeling is mutual) but she brought me to tears. There were a collage of pictures...me and H were in them. Together, we were a part of that last 20 years with this guy...oh God.

My mother is right. I do think of H 24 hours a day. What was, what isn't and how there is no one that can replace him or what we were when he was with me.

One of my friends asked me why I would want him back...he's so different with EVERYONE. I don't think so. He's different with ME but he's loving someone else and when he loves, it's entire, it's whole, he gives it his all, and he's no longer giving it to me.

SO, I GIVE UP. He wants out. I'm not forcing him to come back. I don't want someone back who doesn't love me and he doesn't want to come back, in any event.

I just want you to know that I thank-you for the help MB has given me. I have learned so much about giving and love.

Hi Terrified,

Boy,your story sounds very similar to mine.I'm sure we all see similarities within each other's saga's.Your WH seems bent on living his life as is.Meanwhile,everyone else wishes for things to be as they were,in a way.

I am curious.Is the homewrecker still in Yugoslavia? If so,what gives? Is WH still doing zero either way? I think I posted to you before.This has been going on for more than 3 years! How much longer are you going to live in limbo? Does your WH really want out and if so,is he filing?

O

Terrified - You couldn't force him to come back if you wanted to - I think you have established that... So you give up I say good for you - close that door and see what opens in its place... You can still have all of these people in your life - if they are still inviting you and your are not with your husband than you mean something to them... You are not defined by being Mr. and Mrs. you are you ... And again you deserve to be happy ... And frankly I don't think you will ever get a reaction from him until you take action... File and either let it be over - or let it begin... Go for it .. You have nothing to loose...

Terrified,

I haven't read your entire story, but this is really sad. Your WH should be very careful about OW from Yugoslavia though. Many (not all though) of these girls are on a "mission" and they will stop at nothing. One of my friend's had a WH who left her for an OW from Yugoslavia and once OW got to the States, she found herself another guy with more money and no ex-wife and children.

I do understand though that you wish to continue on with your life and not live with the unknown forever.

Kati

Terri,
I've been following your posts for around 2 1/2 years, maybe longer.

For the last year or so, most of the advice you've been given has been "take a chance and have a real conversation with your H. Tell him you want to reconcile."

You haven't done that.

You do post over and over that he says it is hopeless...yet doesn't pursue a divorce.

Now...you say you give up...not having had a heart-to-heart talk with him for years.

I think you want to hear...ok...give up.

But do it then, pursue the divorce, get that dead ball rolling. Your H is not going to divorce you, for whatever reason, he doesn't really want this divorce, nor does he have the inclination to approach you, so you will have to do the work.

Go out have a busy life, include these wonderful people who just invited you to all their parties, go solo or find a date.

Do not cut people like the Friday night couple out of your life, just because your H dropped them. Good people with whom you have long term memories aren't that easy to find.

Your H however has made you miserable for a long time, him, you can cut out of your life, as much as possible given that you share a daughter, and apparently a social circle, even after all this time.

If seeing the OW twice in 3 years is giving his all. Geez. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> His "all" includes never seeing her? His behavior reflects his issues, yeah he had an affair...a long time ago, maybe some ongoing calls & emails...but really, now he's completely selfish and self-absorbed and manipulative to that end.

And, why don't you believe someone who tells you he has changed with everyone? I believe it.

He doesn't give to her, he doesn't give to you, he sometimes gives to D.
.
.
.
.
(Do you feel like this is what you wanted to hear?)

-If so, go for the divorce.
-If not, TALK to the man.

Anyone who can grab a microphone at a party and sing has the guts to do anything they want.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{not-so-Terrified anymore}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hello all and thank-you for your replies.

Hi OG,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Meanwhile,everyone else wishes for things to be as they were,in a way.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It seems to be that they really do. It's both nice and hard at the same time. If we were one of those couples that everyone hated, I guess this wouldn't be the case but no one seems to want to let go after all this time except of course, for my H.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Is the homewrecker still in Yugoslavia? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is WH still doing zero either way? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He has not yet filed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How much longer are you going to live in limbo? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure.

Hi Maw,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You couldn't force him to come back if you wanted to </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right and I don't want to...I just continue to believe that he still loves me underneath all that anger of his...I've always believed in fairy tales.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">close that door and see what opens in its place... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm going to try.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And frankly I don't think you will ever get a reaction from him until you take action... File and either let it be over - or let it begin. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm going to keep this paragraph. It is well said. It's just that letting it be over part...will it EVER be over with a child that you share? I believe that he will always be angry with me regardless.

Hi Kati,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your WH should be very careful about OW from Yugoslavia though. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've told him this many times or should I say...used to tell him in the beginning of this ordeal.

Dear Lor,

Hope you're well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tell him you want to reconcile. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Even though I haven't ASKED him, I know he doesn't and everyone believes he knows I'm still holding a torch for our marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">him, you can cut out of your life, as much as possible </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This I find difficult since we do share relationships. People that loved us together are now loving us APART. I wonder if he feels that longing? Forget I said that...I just wonder what he's thinking sometimes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">a long time ago, maybe some ongoing calls & emails </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How about cards, gifts and most importantly, PROMISES?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If so, go for the divorce.
-If not, TALK to the man.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay...so how about if he doesn't want to talk?

I appreciate your support.

Thank-you.

Terri,

How are you feeling about your resistance to change and what that's teaching your daughter?

Sometimes we mothers have to become much stronger than we're comfortable being - as the process of becoming strong frequently requires deliberately and intentionally stepping into pain.

Terri - this infidelity labor toward ambiguity has been three years too long. The labor process should give birth to a new and liberating life - though giving birth is painful, and not always the result that we had hoped for.

You've endured bondage long enough. You've endured paralysis long enough. The pain you fear is going to happen ISN'T THERE!!!

A coward dies a thousand deaths - a courageous man/woman only one. You've endured a thousand separations and divorces, when you could have endured just one.

Terri - How are you ?? Have you done anything??? Have you made any moves??? Have you ??? Truly what Kayla Andy said is true - you have endured alot - really - I understand that you are terrified - but of what I don't know - ??? You are already living your worst nightmare - you are a single mother living without a husband - you may still be married - but are you ?? You are just living with questions and maybes.... Really -come on if you look you will find that you are not really terrified - you just don't want to face reality.. And what does he have to be angry at you for?? I will admit coparenting is not easy - and actually for my part I am the parent my ex just likes to complain that I am the obstacle in his relationship with his girls - but it is really him... There has to be some progress here - pick a date - 1 month or 1 week from now - but take that step forward..... You can do it...You really have nothing to fear.... remember if you were divorced tomorrow what would the difference in your life be??? A new beginning for you ??? A chance at happiness????

Okay...so how about if he doesn't want to talk?

So what if he does?

The man still wants to have sex with you, he might not mind a conversation about what that means.

Terri, if he reacts negatively or with anger to the suggestion the 2 of you talk after all this time, then that is who he is now and divorce is your best option.

Given his behavior, you've been incredibly accomodating, his anger at you is completely unreasonable.

If he would be willing to talk it is an opening you haven't pursued in a long time.

How about cards, gifts and most importantly, PROMISES?

If he's made promises, like getting a divorce, he hasn't kept them for her.

He hasn't brought her over to live.

Or gone to live with her.

Or visited more than...once a year?

What kind of promises worry you, when it seems like she's settled for much less of him than you have for these 3 years?

I think she was just the excuse to ditch his responsibilities, and she is not the love of his life.

I could be wrong about your H, but when my H thought he was in love--he was WITH her. However, like your H, mine wasn't sure enough to get the divorce either.

And, he didn't want it when I gave up & went ahead with initiating a divorce.

Though, if you pursue a D, you have to expect and be ready for divorce to be the outcome. It's too serious to use as a ploy.

You are welcome to my support, I wish that we could take that "terrified" tag off and out of you.

The only thing he could do now to hurt you worse than he already has would be taking your daughter. And, you can fight that legally with his history of not taking her overnight, and you don't say, but I suspect a lack of $$$ child support as well.

A couple more thoughts:

You know my H is deployed, gone from the house 4 months, overseas 3. Five of the guys in his unit have received break-up letters from their GF or wives. In 3 months these women have found other men.

Absence/distance was bad for these relationships, proximity fostered new or deeper relationships with OM.

It's been a worry for me. I'm treating my H like someone I'm trying to woo...daily emails, digital photos, weekly care packages with the snacks he likes, special surprises, CDs, DVDs.

But you know what? It's already difficult thinking up or finding new stuff. The gifts & cards you think your H is sending OW...after 3 years, how special can that be?

My H wrote to me today that I complete him...and he's sorry he can't think of any new way to say it. I was glad to read the words. I'm just happy he's feeling love for me, I don't care HOW he says it...but I'm already anticipating his 2 week leave in October so he can SHOW me. And, I'm researching "new" stuff to make that exciting in our 22 year old relationship.

So, that's part of why I think your H's relationship with the OW isn't so great. Email, phone calls, gifts can sustain a love, but, if possible, lovers want to be together to express their passion, and often.

Your H shows no such inclination.

Whatever is keeping him from your marriage is within HIM, it isn't the OW. At best she is an ongoing symtom, or excuse, or attempt at self-medication.

I just realized that last statement is exactly what my counselor used to tell me about my H, and it was absolutely the truth.

If you do nothing else, do keep going out and having fun with people. It's good for you.