I just found out that my H of three years has cheated on me once again. The first affair developed from an Internet chat room with someone in ANOTHER D...COUNTRY WHO DOESN'T EVEN SPEAK VERY GOOD ENGLISH!! When I first discovered the emails, he said that he got 'caught' up in coversation..we went to counseling and all was good...several months later after he had moved to another state for his job and when I finally moved five months after he was there, found an old phone bill with her number...called the number and got my friend who speaks her language to translate...he had not told her he was married, had spent money to go see this girl..she was devestated and sent me all the emails...I was pregnant and after his apologies and gifts, etc...I stayed.
This newest A...started only 6 months after the last one ended...he received a call on new year's eve on the cell..of course, me being an investigator...jotted the number down..didn't call immediately...i started checking his vm and she was on there everyday...i confronted him...'it was only conversation' he says...although i new he was lying based on her vm...so he said he would end it...now, it is one year later...i went to visit my parents over the weekend..i grew suspicious checked the reliable cell on Sunday...there was the OW number..the same chick...I called her up and she talked to me this time...found out he didn't tell her he was married, had flown her to the different states we've lived in and she even sent me email correspondences between the two....he has told so many lies that I just can't believe I'm married to this person. He takes VERY good care of us so I am just so surprised.
I am so hurt that he would bring another woman in our bed and even took her to see the new dream home that we are closing on next month! Now...he is crying, begging, etc, etc...my first instinct is to leave..i am seeking counseling for myself only...I just need some advise from people who have been in this situation.

Atlanta Girl,
I wanted to respond although I don't have alot of advice for you. Only you can decide whether you want to work on your M or not.

MB is a great place to get support. Although alot of advice is given, it doesn't replace counseling with a pro-marriage counselor.

There are several people here on MB whose spouses have had multiple affairs. I knoe you'll get a reaponse from one of them.

I didn't see that you have children. Some might say that bc of the multiple affairs and the lack of ties between the two of you that you might want to "cut your losses" I'm not so sure.

It sounds to me a sthough your H is very young and very immature. That being said I can remember back to when I was first married and I went thru a period in which I thought about cheating. not bc the marriage was bad but bc as a young man I at times regretted my decision to become exclusive ie married. I think some (men especially) panic a bit in their first few years of M.

I am by know means saying that his behvior is accepteble nor am I helping him to rationalize it. Just wanted to let you know that others go thru the same issues. The only difference is most don't act on it.

Mac

Thanks for your response Mac.
Yes, we do have a 20 month old daughter and the first affair happened when I was 6 months pregnant and the other just recently, but started right after the baby was born. He told me that it started b/c i didn't give him attention anymore. Poor excuse, right! I am the first person he has had a serious relationship with so you may be right and everything happened very quickly with the marriage and then the baby one year later. It is just hard to forgive actually bringing another woman in the bed you share with your wife. I just can't get past that thought and is down right discusting and disrespectful.

Thanks for your response. We do have a 20month old daughter. I was 6 months pregnant when the first one happened and the baby was one month old when the 2nd one started. You may be right as things progressed very quickly in our relationship, but that still is not excuse to bring another woman in the same bed you share with your wife. That is disrespectful and down right nasty! I don't see how anyone can do that and get up like nothing every happened. It is VERY difficult just to get over him actually doing that part of this whole deceitful thing.

Dear AtlantaGirl,

take your time to read up on the things here on the MB site. Dr Harley has a lot of excellent advice to give.

It seems it's a recurring thing, H looking for attention elsewhere when W is pregnant / grieving / attending to sick parent etc. because he feels he is not getting enough attention. They seem to feel lost somehow and try to "fix" this with the "easy drug" - sex.

They honestly think they will not hurt you by this as long as they "don't tell". It's rather childish, really. Like a child trying to get away with something by lying about it.

You'll need to do a lot of gentle talking to your H. Try not to go into discussing, blaming, fighting... how ever tempting that may be.. it will make recovery harder.

I hope your H will grow to understand that his behaviour has no place in a loving relationship. If you will both work on the marriage, trying to understand each other's needs and meeting them (as described on this site) I think you'll have a good chance at a good marriage. But your H will have to face the fact that what he did is NOT ok.. that he hurt you very much.. that it will drive you two apart if he doesn't change. He'll have to make his choices and do some growing up here.

<small>[ August 17, 2004, 12:57 PM: Message edited by: brownhair ]</small>

Atlanta Girl,


You said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Yes, we do have a 20 month old daughter and the first affair happened when I was 6 months pregnant and the other just recently, but started right after the baby was born. He told me that it started b/c i didn't give him attention anymore. Poor excuse, right!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes it is a poor excuse.

Earlier I said...

[QUOTE] It sounds to me as though your H is very young and very immature. That being said I can remember back to when I was first married and I went thru a period in which I thought about cheating. not bc the marriage was bad but bc as a young man I at times regretted my decision to become exclusive ie married. I think some (men especially) panic a bit in their first few years of M.

Besides remembering the above thoughts roght after our wedding, they returned when my wife became pregnant. Why? I panicked. I realized that this was for real. Now it was going to be more than just the two of us who could easily split if things didn't work.

I don't believe that these feelings are a justification for having an affair. I do believe, however, that you should listen to him.

My wife always planned & controled the when, where, how many etc of having children. My opinion was secondary. Afterall it's her body, right?

Husbands, especially those who have little say on the issue of children, begin to feel resentment as to being powerless. Even worse when baby comes, mom spends all energy on baby with very little time left over for H other than the occassional complaints about how H doesn't do enough to help.

I love my kids very much, however there wasn't the same burning need in me to have them as there was in my wife. My needs were definitely secondary to the kids.

Again no excuse to have an affair. Learn from someone older who has finally faced the burried resentments.

Mac

Hang in there AG. There is a lot of good info on this site on the subject of infidelity. There are many people with good advice as well. Read up and talk to others and your counseler before you make any decisions. I am going through the same thing with my WW. So I empthize with your pain.

Hang in there girl. I know how you feel. Be strong. Do you want this marriage to work out? Or are you done? How much more are you willing to put up with?
Short recap yesterday was my 4 yr. anniversary (2nd marriage for both) he is 9yrs younger than I am and had/is having an affair. I found out in March of this yr. it had been going on since Oct. of 03. You don't need to live like this. Pick yourself up or if you really want to work on your marriage and he does too then find a good Christian Counselor. Good Luck - let me know how you are doing. I'll pray for you.

Welcome to MB, sorry you have to be here, but this is a great place to find support.

{{{hugs}}}

KY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks for all your support!
Things are getting better and I have tried not to bring the A up, but it is VERY HARD. I am really now focusing more on myself and getting myself together so now he is saying...'You will find another man'..since the baby, I have really stepped into motherhood and put up the stilettos and my focus has been on being a mother, career woman and wife. Not anymore..the diva is coming back! Even though he won't admit it, I think he was used to me being there as I haven't lost some of the weight from the baby so my self esteem has been effected by it. I really think he is comfortable with me feeling self conscious and not like I was...a true diva with alot of confidence...up until the baby. I admit that he is trying and I do feel that he loves me. Our first Counseling session went well and we are going back again this week. We learned alot about our relationship just in one session. I will keep you all posted. Thanks for the prayers and advise. I appreciate the support in this time of need!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cwmac:
<strong> Atlanta Girl,


You said...

[QUOTE] Yes, we do have a 20 month old daughter and the first affair happened when I was 6 months pregnant and the other just recently, but started right after the baby was born. He told me that it started b/c i didn't give him attention anymore. Poor excuse, right!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes it is a poor excuse.

Earlier I said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It sounds to me as though your H is very young and very immature. That being said I can remember back to when I was first married and I went thru a period in which I thought about cheating. not bc the marriage was bad but bc as a young man I at times regretted my decision to become exclusive ie married. I think some (men especially) panic a bit in their first few years of M.

Besides remembering the above thoughts roght after our wedding, they returned when my wife became pregnant. Why? I panicked. I realized that this was for real. Now it was going to be more than just the two of us who could easily split if things didn't work.

I don't believe that these feelings are a justification for having an affair. I do believe, however, that you should listen to him.

My wife always planned & controled the when, where, how many etc of having children. My opinion was secondary. Afterall it's her body, right?

Husbands, especially those who have little say on the issue of children, begin to feel resentment as to being powerless. Even worse when baby comes, mom spends all energy on baby with very little time left over for H other than the occassional complaints about how H doesn't do enough to help.

I love my kids very much, however there wasn't the same burning need in me to have them as there was in my wife. My needs were definitely secondary to the kids.

Again no excuse to have an affair. Learn from someone older who has finally faced the burried resentments.

Mac </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What you are saying is so true as I told him that I don't want anymore kids b/c it is ALOT OF WORK and I am 31 now. A woman's body goes through so much that no man will ever understand. He has said that he feels he has no say in the kids issue or what our daughter wears..i used to dismiss what he said b/c I thought it just didn't register that he got mad just b/c I changed her clothes after he dressed her. I now understand what he feels, however, an affair is not the answer. I just can't help wondering if this will happen again and how to get back into to him and the relationship.

Atlanta,
I haven't posted in awhile. Wanted to see how you're doing.

Mac

Hi,
Thanks for asking...alot of your advice makes sense, however, I am still getting the constant thoughts about what him and the other woman did, etc. I have tried to focus on myself and keeping myself busy. We go up and down and the marriage counseling is helping although, we left the 2nd session mad. I am just so unsure what to do at this point and I feel like giving up. He acts like he is the victim and keeps saying that I don't know what he is going through although he is the one that keeps F..ing up! I have been tempted so many times to go back to my black book but I know that isn't the answer!!

Atlanta Girl,
I've had those thoughts too. I've been on a long journey that started over 2.5 years ago. In the beginning I was scard of losing my W. I'm now at the point where if it works great but if it doesn't I won't be afraidof being solo.

Keep up the good fight.

Mac