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Marriage Builders Forums Our Archives Archived Read-Only Posts Inactive: General Questions Marriage Counseling?

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Marriage Counseling? #1172897 08/16/04 04:04 PM
Joined: Aug 2004 Posts: 29 T theonlyhitman Member
theonlyhitman Member T Joined: Aug 2004 Posts: 29	This week on Wednessday my wife and I go to our first Marriage Counseling session. I am personally excited about going and getting some help in putting our marriage back on track. She on the other hand is terrified of going . She thinks she is just going to get ganged up on there. Has anyone else here had experiance with going to a Marriage Counselor and if so did you find that it helped things out in the marriage?

Re: Marriage Counseling? #1172898 08/16/04 04:33 PM
Joined: Sep 2000 Posts: 10,060 No. Va. W worthatry Member
worthatry Member W Joined: Sep 2000 Posts: 10,060 No. Va.	Be prepared for anything - from both your wife AND the counselor. It's widely reported here that some WSs use counseling as a kangaroo court to prosecute the BS, justifying the affair. A good counselor can see thru this, a bad one can can buy into the WS's logic. Just be cautious and report back any unexpected reactions. WAT

Re: Marriage Counseling? #1172899 08/16/04 04:49 PM
Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp P Pepperband Member
Pepperband Member P Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp	MC helped us a lot. The therapist may ask you this: "What are your goals for coming here?" Here's a tip .... YOUR goal can look like this ---> "Goal # 1: I would like to give myself the tools to make ours the happiest and most mutually fulfilling marriage possible." and you may also throw some MB lingo in there... "Goal #2: I would like to fill my wife's love bank to the brim and make her feel like a love-millionaire." and some more.... "Goal #3: I would like to better my communication skills so that I can enjoy deeper intimacy with my beloved spouse." But at any rate, have yourself a couple of goals in your back pocket. Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Re: Marriage Counseling? #1172900 08/16/04 05:50 PM
Joined: Aug 2004 Posts: 29 T theonlyhitman Member
theonlyhitman Member T Joined: Aug 2004 Posts: 29	Thanks that sounds like some good advice. I had been thinking that I needed to tone down my kind of natural arrogance in working out problems. I no now that I can offer up all the good common sense and logical solutions to our problmes I want but in her state of mind its useless. I had been thinking about what i was going to tell the counselor and most of what i had originally thought went something like this . " I want her to find a new job" " I want her to never see the OM again" "I want her to be committed to our relationship" I want, I want, I want...... I definately don't think that is the way to go now. I really need to think more in turns of Us instead of I .

Re: Marriage Counseling? #1172901 08/16/04 05:56 PM
Joined: Jun 2004 Posts: 378 A arty Member
arty Member A Joined: Jun 2004 Posts: 378	My H won't go to MC. He thinks it is a forum where you either ganged up on or you say what is excpected of you rather than find truth and honesty. He says we can do it on our own. I wonder whether he just can't be bothered. Be gentle with your W. Tell her the good things not just the pain. Make the experience a growing one for you both and good luck. S

Re: Marriage Counseling? #1172902 08/16/04 08:28 PM
Joined: Aug 2004 Posts: 29 T theonlyhitman Member
theonlyhitman Member T Joined: Aug 2004 Posts: 29	Hey Pepperband did you find that your wife would talk more about the relationship after you went to the MC? Right now she is kind of in the mindset talked about in the article about Forgivness here on MB. She acts like she would rather just forget the A happened and really doesn't want to talk about anything to do with it . Im hoping that the MC will kind of break down those barriers with her and get her talking freely about solving our problems instead of ignoring them.

Re: Marriage Counseling? #1172903 08/16/04 09:02 PM
Joined: May 2004 Posts: 1,042 K kloe72 Member
kloe72 Member K Joined: May 2004 Posts: 1,042	The MC my WH and I went to was horrible. Right from the start she kept saying we should have come to see her earlier, implying right from the start that it was too late. Then she wanted to put me on anti-depresants while I was in my first trimester of pregnancy and finally she agreed that maybe WH should move out. She may have been a good IC but was a horrible MC. I hope you did your research and found a counselor who is very pro-marriage. If not, don't worry you can always change. Don't feel you have to stay with the first one you chose if you aren't comfortable. I would ask the MC point blank if she is pro-marriage. If she doesn't answer yes, but gives you some psycho mumbo jumbo, you may need to consider finding a new one.

Re: Marriage Counseling? #1172904 08/16/04 09:13 PM
Joined: Aug 2004 Posts: 29 T theonlyhitman Member
theonlyhitman Member T Joined: Aug 2004 Posts: 29	WOW Thanks kloe I really never even thought about that aspect. I actually didn't do any reasearch about the Counselor and just went with who the reseptionist said was available first (hhhmmm maybe not the best idea now that i think about it) . I will keep alert and see what they have to say . AFter all, all they can do is make suggestions ....we will have the final say.

Re: Marriage Counseling? #1172905 08/17/04 10:05 AM
Joined: Aug 2004 Posts: 18 I IP2L Junior Member
IP2L Junior Member I Joined: Aug 2004 Posts: 18	I have been on Steve Harley's conselling. first, your wife will not be ganged neither will she get excuse for the A. I think it is very helpful to understand how and why the A happened and how to prevent it. It is a shame that my H refuses to countinue. You should definitely give it a try. I wish we had it before the A. Unfortunately, my H doesn't believe counselling.

Re: Marriage Counseling? #1172906 08/17/04 10:38 AM
Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp P Pepperband Member
Pepperband Member P Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp	Hey Pepperband did you find that your wife would talk more about the relationship after you went to the MC? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I AM the wife! I was the BS. We found MC to be a good place to begin. We also saw counselor individually off and on. Right now she is kind of in the mindset talked about in the article about Forgivness here on MB. She acts like she would rather just forget the A happened and really doesn't want to talk about anything to do with it . Then tell your W you hope the MC can unveil "the meaning of the affair in the context of what was wrong with our marriage". Im hoping that the MC will kind of break down those barriers with her and get her talking freely about solving our problems instead of ignoring them. Yep... that's the whole idea. BUT ... YOU should go in with the mindset that YOUR issues will also be addressed. You go in with the mindset that your marriage-skill-toolbox needs to be retrofitted. Go with an open mind that you will (and SHOULD) be made aware of your mistakes also ... not just about the affair. The first session will more likely be gathering historical data, etc. You may get "homework" assigned... IF you do NOT get homework assigned from the MC .... ASK FOR SOME as you leave! This shows your willingness (even your eagerness) to do the work. Pep

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