<small>[ November 22, 2004, 03:58 PM: Message edited by: joe c. ]</small>

Joe, no need to panic. You are working on Joe's schedule, not her schedule. Don't react! How about responding Wednesday AM? There is no need for hurry. You are a busy guy! You could say something like:

Hi WS,

Haven't decided anything about the bouse yet to be perfectly honest. I should be home tomorrow sometime and you can come over and get the hamper. Be sure and call first!

Take care,
joe c.

Light and pleasant, pleasant, pleasant! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by joe c.:
<strong> WS sent me this email. I don't know how to respond. My heart is racing.


I tried to get in the house today and get ****** shower gift and leave you some bills that were sent to me, but both of the locks were changed?
What's the deal? Are you buying me out or are we selling the house?

I need to get the hamper this week as *****'s shower is Sunday. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with MelodyLane, you are on joe's schedule now and not hers, and part of the lesson she will figure out is that when/if you two are divorced...when she says jump, you do NOT say "how high?" You don't need to be snotty, but rather, don't let her work you into a frazzle. What really is convenient for you???

I'd suggest a response like:

"I am leaving ****'s shower gift at your mom's. Please leave the bills in the mailbox. I will not be available for several days. --joe"

See?? Factual. Not snotty but not chatty. No interacting, mixed messages, or leading her on. You're just offering her a way to get what she needs (the shower gift) without hurting you or seeing you.

IMHO!


CJ

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 03:48 PM: Message edited by: joe c. ]</small>

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 03:49 PM: Message edited by: joe c. ]</small>

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 03:52 PM: Message edited by: joe c. ]</small>

Joe, just tell her that you aren't ready to make a decision at this time, but will let her know when you have.

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 03:53 PM: Message edited by: joe c. ]</small>

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 03:57 PM: Message edited by: joe c. ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by joe c.:
<strong> I couldn't wait for advice, I'm an impatient person. I had already sent this response earlier today. Did I mess up?

I spoke to a lawyer this morning. He says if she wants out, let her get to the point where she has to hire a lawyer and file a petition. I shouldn't make it easy on her, if she wants to end this it has consequences. She shouldn't be able to just walk away and walk over me.

I don't want to hurt her, but he's right. She has caused a lot of pain. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this is very good. What did you say in the email?

Don't let her ranting and raving upset you, thats pretty typical.

I suspect she is mighty angry about not being able to sashay right back into your house. Nor is she able to order you around. I bet that was a cold slap of reality. I think maybe a good Plan B letter would be well timed right now in response to her ranting.

In it, you could lovingly tell her to contact your attorney about such matters instead of you. Now is the perfect time for a Plan B love letter! Plan B puts YOU in charge, and takes control back from her.

Here are some good samples, Joe:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=019428

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=029480

P.S. I think she is trying to control with her ranting and raving, don't you? She expects you to be at her beck and call and is angry because you aren't.

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 03:55 PM: Message edited by: joe c. ]</small>

Love the letter!! I think it was great, but I would lose the sarcasm in the future. That will just give her ammo against you.

Her anger stems from the fact that she can't control you. She expected to waltz right back in and set the agenda. She is now starting to see the consequences of her actions. See, she probably expected you to be her "friend" [ie: condone her actions] and just lay down for her. Your refusal to cooperate with her has irritated her.

<small>[ August 19, 2004, 09:25 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

You know Mel, I seem to gain hope from your advice and your outlook. Whether or not it is false hope I don't know, but it keeps the fire burning.

I do have to go back to work, I was in the area and I seem to be drawn to this sight sometimes. I still wonder if this anger will work against me though. But I guess it's better than no emotion at all from her. I wish I could peak inside her mind. She must be getting lonely in her apartment, will most likely go to see OM or fly him here. I gotta go, thanks. If you have any other encouraging words, please write....
Joe

Joe, don't worry too much about her anger. It stems from a GOOD thing that will help you in the long run,ie: facing the consequences of her decision. Just be sure that you don't fuel it unneccesarily.

That being said, I think you should get that Plan B letter to her ASAP so she understands what you are thinking. We don't want her to mistake your position for an adversarial position and go on the attack.

As far as having hope, while there are no guarantees, I have seen worse situations than yours end in reconciliation. And I think you did a stellar Plan A. I think her affair is much less promising than your relationship.

The disadvantage here, though, is that they live so far apart, which means its easier to keep up the fantasy longer. The advantage is that you are close by. So who knows what will happen?

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 03:45 PM: Message edited by: joe c. ]</small>

Joe, the Plan B letter is not a letter to win her heart or plead your case. It is a letter that says that, yes, you love her, but you are taking back control of your life and because her actions are eroding any remaining love that you hold for her, you ask that she not contact you again unless it is an emergency. Otherwise, contact your attorney.

Tell her that you wish her the best and if she ever ends her affair with the OM, to give you a call to see where you stand. Otherwise, please respect your request for no contact.

This is so absolutely important in the process, Joe, that I can't emphasize it enough. It tells the WS that you are no longer sitting there in limboland awaiting a decision from the princess. See, often, in their little fogged out brains, they believe they still have "choices" and come back if things don't work out. That gives them permission to galavant freely as long as they please. But when you tell her, that no, you are not waiting, you are getting on with your life, it can wake them up.

Another main purpose of Plan B is to help you detach from her and the painful situation.

Here are some good examples, you don't want to be overly sappy in your letter, the situation doesn't call for it, but I think you realize that.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=019428

scroll down to furnitureman's post

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=029480

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by joe c.:
<strong> WS's find it pathetic to beg and continue to want them. I was wondering if I should end the letter using Dobson's theory of letting your spouse go. Sort of explaining your feelings, but telling them that you will not try to hold onto them or beg them back, they are free to go. It's interesting. I am worried that to tell her I am waiting for her will seem to make me look pathetic.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AGREE! You don't even want to do any of that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by joe c.:
<strong> She is a stubborn taurus and I fear that she won't change her mind due to her own pride. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She ALREADY has changed her mind numerous times, Joe.

Thanks Mel!