</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I'm not quite so sure this morning. My wife is back to her old self and in fact we had a good talk about nothing. Nevertheless I'm not so despondent because I've been here before (false dawns) and I'm getting used to it. My gut instinct still tells me though that something is afoot. What, I don't know.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, this is strange and I can just imagine how frustrating & confusing this fluctuation in your W’s mood and behavior must be for you.... Dan, this just gives me more reason to think that your W probably feels torn and stuck between two places and therefore fluctuates from the one extreme to the other: One the one side is her addiction to OM and the positive feelings she got from the A and contact with him, and on the other side is her conscience - her sense of right and wrong and the awareness that what she’s doing to you, herself and her family is wrong. Her mood this morning also indicates that the OM probably contacted her again and now she experiences a ‘high’ after she got her “fix” (probably a loving message from OM). I don’t want to upset you with this, but just be prepared.

I’m glad the AD’s have started to kick in. This will be of so much help now and during the more difficult time to come. AD’s have also helped me to stay objective and emotionally stable and this is a good thing. I’m also glad you’re taking care of yourself and prepare yourself emotionally and physically.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>most of all I know that God is with me and would not forsake me. So I'm getting there and let battle commence!

Thanks a lot to all of you, I am better prepared to face whatever comes my way.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the way to talk and think my friend and it’s SO good to hear you sounding so positive and optimistic under the circumstances this morning! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You’re doing good Dan and God IS by your side, no matter what happens!

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ September 10, 2004, 04:16 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Hi Guys,

Just checked W's phone and she left a message unerased which she presumably sent to the OM, it said, "Tell him what? The truth?"
Now that is puzzling but I think also explains my hunch about something being afoot. I also presume here that the "him" is me, but what puzzles me is what "truth" is there to tell me? My mind is racing like a formula one car, can the "truth" be that they are planning to set up home after the month truce? Or that she doesn't love me anymore, which I already know anyway, I just hate this uncertainty.
You know today at work I felt another emotion that I haven't felt since DDay and I'm scared of it. Today I felt anger towards my W for what she's doing to me and our family. At one point I was so angry, had she called me and said she was leaving I would have said go and don't ever come back. I am torn between anger and resentment on the other hand and love and affection on the other. I feel like at a wink of an eye I could swing between the two extremes. Can you explain what's happening? Something in me tells me that I shouldn't nurture this anger, at the same time I also feel that anger could shield me from more hurt and pain. Amidst all this is the ever present fear of losing my wife. If there's something afoot between W and OM, there is also certainly something afoot in my own head. I just don't like being caught in the middle of a tug of war.
Yes Suzet I know that God is on my side and it is because of this that I find some inner peace. Thanks a lot for posting before the weekend. May you and Toosoon have a nice one.

God Bless you.

Dan - I hate to bring this up, but could she be pregnant?

Dan:

It is time to confront her with the phone messages. Don't put your self through hell with the unknown. You need to know what you are up against so you can base your reactions on facts.

Don't give up hope. The best laid plans have collapse under the light of exposure, scrutiny, added with reality.

TooSoon

Hi believer - I don't think she is. she just had her monthly thing, and besides she couldn't as she's been sterilised. Ifshe hadn't been that would be the first thing that would come to mind. But no she couldn't be.

Toosoon - I am still playing by the rules. Only one more week and the rule goes out the window. Honestly I could break it now, they have never followed it. But no my probably misplaced decency would not allow me tobreak my word. Also at the time of reckoning I could look her in the eye and say, I stuck to the rules, did you|?

Here comes the weekend and God knows what it will bring. But something in me is definitely changing. I sense a certain kind of steel entering my emotions. Thanks to all of you.

God Bless you.

Dan:

I am sorry Dan but there no rules in love and war that are really evered followed. You are losing weight and nightly sleep over this and your world has been turned upside down. I would confron her today and make her lay the cards on the table. Nothing changes for another week except for you are playing the cards they are dealing you. I think you are making some serious judgment errors by giving your wife the benefit by being moral and upstanding at this time. I would rock their little world back as agressively and as loud as I could all in the hopes of saving my marriage. Don't stand back and take this a minute longer Dan, you don't deserve this as a spouse and you are enabling them to work their schedule and plan. Disruption would throw it off of the course they are on.

TooSoon

Toosoon,
Throughout this ordeal I have always been very slow to react. I think this is due to my inate caution. I have never been very spontaneous. I have always learned to keep my inital reactions in check. Stoicism comes to mind. It has its advantages and disadvantages. Don't worry I will confront WW in due time. Not yet, but in due time. Right now I am building a reserve of emotional steel to buck me up if push comes to shove. Tomorrow I am again hearing Mass and invoke the help of God in these preparations. I can almost feel a serene calmness that wasn't there in the early days.
Thanks for the advice and may God Bless you TS.

Dan:

Well Dan, things will unfold very soon. Looking back on my case, I never confronted my wife for months, even though I suspected she was having an affair. It was like "out of sight, out of mind". I even told my son that if his mom became pregnant, it wasn't my child. He too suspected she was having an affair and he became a key player in what my wife had to be willing to give up if she followed her emotions and left the family for the OM.

There is no doubt in my mind, you are truly a man of great integrity and you love your wife dearly. It is when you care the most is when it hurts the most. Your conservativeness is showing through online and that is not a bad thing. It was part of the package that attacted you to your wife. Now, she is attracted to a different package which is filled with excitement for her. Unfortunately for her, this new package and relationship was built on lies, deceit and fraud which could only be developed by both parties by choosing and needing to be unloyal to their spouses.

Knowing this, and if they choose to walk from their spouses, one or both of them will never be able to truly trust the other from the bottom of their heart. Their will always be a price for their existance of being a couple and a shadow will remain over them for the rest of their being.

I believe that is God's way of allowing us to turn into what we practice to be. We all know how the crooked used car salesman looks after 20 years of doing crooked business. They begin to actually look like a crook and they are full of skepticism and they cannot trust anyone ever.

When the right moment comes, ask your wife if she will ever really be able to trust her lover or if her lover will ever be able to completely trust her in the future. Her fog state will say yes, but the planted words in her mind will not go away and will surface in her thinking later.

I am not liking the things she is doing and I do not always believe that God will change someone's heart so they will do the rightious thing. So I don't get anyone up in arms, God will tell her inwardly that she is doing wrong, but He will allow her to use her free will to allow her to fall to teach her a serious life lesson. I do believe God will help you cope with and deal with the bad choices your wife has made and may make in the future. I hope I am making sense.

TooSoon

Hi Toosoon,

Your post is so attuned with what I am feeling now. I just checked W's phone and she has sent about 7 messages. And you what? I've checked her bank account and she has spent £30.00 topping up her cellphone since the first of September, that's about $45.00! I really feel that something is afoot. I must steel myself for the worst. The past few days I have been trying to convince myself that she will stay because she hasn't made any overt signs of leaving, i.e. she is still planning things way after the month, we are even choosing our annual leaves (holidays to you) together for next year. I now believe she is just either too scared to tell me the "truth" (remember last night's message?) or giving me a false sense of security. Right now TS my chest is very tight, and I am feeling very, very dejected. But I must carry on and not let her and him defeat me. If they choose to set up together it will not be with my kids blessings and certainly not mine. How I wish I had found this website before all this, then maybe W and I could have defended our M. Should I survive this ordeal I will try in my own small way to convince couples to actively defend and nurture their marriages. The pain of infidelity is so incredibly excruciating nobody should have to go through what I and you and so many others are going through right now. You are so right, our lives would be changed forever. Regardless of the outcome the scars will be there. Toosoon please remember me in your prayers that I may have the stength to face what is to come. Last night as I was lying on bed waiting for the pill to take effect, I asked God in all sincerety to just take my life. I said God please take me to your kingdom right now, I just cannot handle the pain. I almost willed myself to die in my sleep. The only sadness was leaving my two children. Right now as I write this tears are welling in my eyes and I'm sure that had I been on my own I would be crying like most nights when I sit alone in front of the computer while everyone is asleep. It's just too painful and lonely. How much more pain?????????

Dan:

It is time for you to prepare yourself for the worst-case scenario and that is she leaves you for the other man. But you must not do it without putting up the most hard fought and aggressive battle of your life. Your wife must see the warrior in you like never before. If your wife ever doubted you loved her, she must see it, not in your words, but in your actions to make life hell for her and them when she leaves. I don’t believe in being the nice guy as another man breaks into my house and steels away my family.

Your wife must know that you will never leave the kids and the house and she will have to be the one who leaves the house and gives up the kids. She must understand the kids need continuity and familiarity in their lives, and that is through their father and your home. She must understand that with her abandoned-mother label that she will attach to herself forever, she will have to pay child support until the kids are raised.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> “The pain of infidelity is so incredibly excruciating nobody should have to go through what I and you and so many others are going through right now. You are so right, our lives would be changed forever. Regardless of the outcome the scars will be there.”
-------------
"Toosoon please remember me in your prayers that I may have the stength to face what is to come. Last night as I was lying on bed waiting for the pill to take effect, I asked God in all sincerety to just take my life. I said God please take me to your kingdom right now, I just cannot handle the pain. I almost willed myself to die in my sleep." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dan, there was one real moment in my life that I actually thought about killing myself and that was the night my wife acknowledged she was having an affair and the problem I had was she was in love with another man. All my sanity went out the window at that moment. I now understand how men can kill their wives, how men can kill their wife’s lovers, and how men can kill themselves. I too felt lost without hope.

I too prayed harder than ever in my life and the inner words spoken to me finally came. The words were clear that I must be strong to give my kids a chance at a normal life. My kids needed a strong father to guide them down the path of righteousness, since their mother was throwing her life away and completely self-destructing. I fought hard to get my wife to see through the fog but I prepared for the worst. I told my wife that I needed to protect the kids from her actions.

Once the message was planted in my mind to protect my children at all costs, I never again felt like doing something terrible to myself. I knew that an affair was terrible for the kids to see. I knew that a divorce would change their lives forever, but I knew if I self destructed, it would be the worst example I could set.

In my quest to save my marriage and my pleading to her not to abandon the kids, along with my daily and nightly breakdowns, my son said he learned how weak his father really was. His young pride said not to beg her to do right but to let her have her way. I came across needy and weak to my son since I had to abandon all my inner pride as a man and beg her not to destroy our kid’s future and our marriage by leaving for this other man. Later in the ordeal, my son said what he originally perceived as my weakness; turned out to be the strength needed to keep our family together.

My son further said, "If your own mother lies to you, who can you trust in this world". I said nobody since humans are very weak. I told him only to trust God.

I cannot stress to you all the things you need to do. Their secret relationship must be exposed to the world to see if the relationship is strong enough to hold up to the scrutiny it will then receive. You must act today to try and put a stop to this madness. Get on the phone and call the OM’s wife. She will help fight this battle with you. There is no honor in being a man of your word when the evil forces are at work with the intent to divide your loving family up forever. You must fight fire with fire and you must start now. You need to take action by telling the OM’s wife and then you tell your wife what you did. You need to be very consistent in activating your plan of action. Expose the affair and tell her whom you told, and continue to expose the affair and tell her what you did. Tell her that if the affair doesn’t stop, you will tell everyone in her life that makes a difference.

I think I told you early on, this is a battle of good over evil and I think you are better understanding what I have been saying. Be strong and continue to pray for your strength from God. He will not let you down for he will help you cope with the pain that is brought on you by your wife’s very selfish actions. I too will continue to pray for you.

Please begin taking action now. The battle started long ago, the bullets are hitting you, and you are refusing to fight back. Don’t wait till you are almost dead before you begin to fight back. You are now educated and you know what you need to do, so DO IT. Give yourself a chance to save your marriage.

God Bless you DesperateDan that soon you will be able to change your name to DeterminedDan.

TooSoon

<small>[ September 11, 2004, 03:05 PM: Message edited by: TooSoonToBeComfortable ]</small>

Hi Toosoon,

It's Sunday morning and my new found "strength" has left me. I'm sliding back to being a weak and trembling mass of turmoil and uncertainty. I need God right now and I'm looking forward to Sunday Mass.

__________________________________________________

I too prayed harder than ever in my life and the inner words spoken to me finally came. The words were clear that I must be strong to give my kids a chance at a normal life. My kids needed a strong father to guide them down the path of righteousness, since their mother was throwing her life away and completely self-destructing. I fought hard to get my wife to see through the fog but I prepared for the worst. I told my wife that I needed to protect the kids from her actions.

_________________________________________________

TS I'm finding a lot of inspiration from your words. I hope I can be man enough for the task ahead. I must stop this maudlin thoughts and concentrate on my kids' welfare. They still have a whole life ahead. My wife and I have a responsibility to them and if my W decides to abandon that I will not.

I know I must gird myself for battle. The "bullets" have been coming thick and fast and I must return fire.

Thanks a lot TS "talking" to you always lift my spirits. Thanks for being there, always.

God Bless you.

Dan:

Don't confuse being emotional with being weak. I was very emotional for a long period of time but my strength grew. One of the things my wife said after the ordeal began to change back to me and the kids was she found out through this ordeal how much I loved her. She said she didn't really know that or she didn't really feel it before.

I fought hard to kill her relationship and everytime I did something new, she would continue to tell me I blew it forever now and there is no chance to save the marriage. She knew I was doing what I told her to do. I listed the people I was going to tell and I began telling them. I then told her who I told.

By saying the marriage was over for sure due to "my actions", I knew she was trying to protect the affair by keeping it a secret. Be prepared for similar talk and remember that you are probably losing her anyway, in her present mind-set, and you having nothing to lose. Get her out of the fog state and let her see the reality of the destruction of her family being caused by her love affair and then you have a chance to win her back.

You need to tell your kids about mommy's BF. Her parents need to know, your parents need to know, her brothers and sisters, your family, bosses, co-workers, girlfriends, priests or anyone who can put pressure on her to stop the destruction.
After this is completed and if she still walks out, at least you know you tried. Their relationship will still likely end later anyway.

I don't think you will become or feel strong until you take real action to save your marriage. Once you begin to take action, you will feel like you are doing something to fight for your marriage. That will make you feel strong and when you get result, negative or positive, that will help even more.

Take it one day and one hour at a time.

TooSoon

Hi Toosoon,

It's Sunday afternoon now and I just got back from picking our son up from a game of football. W sent 4 messages to OM while I was away. It hurts. Should I just stop checking her phone? Although everytime I check and find that she hasn't sent any messages it lifts my spirits, but not enough to dispel the gloom when I discover she has sent messages. I don't know , but this is a minor issue. The bigger issue is confronting her about breaking our agreement, and then slowly exposing the A. God give me strength. I just hope I get stronger like you did when you started exposing your FWW's A of getting stronger. I can understand the feeling of empowerment when you started exposing the A, because then you were doing something and not just keeping the truce like I am. But I am seeing this truce through. I know you (or was it Suzet?) who said why should I do the honourable thing when W and OM clearly aren't. Well that's me. But wait till this month is over, I will go out there with all guns blazing. Next week I am doing research, finding OM's family connections etc.then I will be ready.
Thanks again Toosoon. God Bless you.

You must assume she will continue to have contact with the OM. Like Suzet said in a previous post, your wife is addicted to the OM now. The relationship will have to be broken by you or the OM's wife to break the addiction or affair. Keep monitoring the messages so you can see what they are saying. You need to know what you are up against at all times. I believe you have tougher days ahead of you so stay strong for the battle. It is worth winning. The evil forces want division to win over family unity.
These people are influenced by the dark forces today but that can change.

TooSoon

Hi Toosoon,

This will be my last post for the day. I just finished chatting online with W's Canadian friend and she promised she will call W during the week. She too is sure that W is more involved than OM and she believes that should W decide to go with him it will end in tears as he isn't as committed as her. I need her to tell W that because even though I know that, if I say that to W she will only take it as rantings from a spurned husband. I think she needs to hear it from somebody else not me. Well I'm feeling a bit positive again. My mood swings are getting very erratic and frequent, one minute I am okay, the next I am down in the dumps. One thing the Canadian friend suggested is that I write W a letter setting down all I want to say because there are so many things on my mind I wouldn't be able to lay them out before her extemporaneously. I think that is a good idea, at least I can be very objective without being angry or irrational. What do you think?

Thanks a lot TS. I will sleep better tonight.

God Bless you.

It may help to have the Canadian talk with your wife but be prepared for your wife not to be truthful with her while she is in her fog state.

My FWW lied and lied to her sister-in-law who she was very close too. When the fog is thick, they won't listen to anyone and they live in LALA land.

It won't hurt to write down your feelings for her to hear. She will probably not listen intently at this time since she is only focused on herself and her BF at this time. Say it anyway. Eventually she will hear the words.

I am glad today was good.

TooSoon

Dan:

England is 6 or 7 hours ahead of us in the States so you are probably sleeping right now. I just wanted to tell you I offered up my Mass for you and your family today.

I asked God the following:

To lift your wife out of her fog state that she is in and to have her come back to her family;

To give you the strength, the courage, and the knowledge to help you fight for your wife to come back to your family;

To give you the strength to cope with this painfull ordeal for the sake of your children, regardless of its outcome.

I hope this will let you know others care about your situation and support the saving of your family.

God Bless you, your wife, and your kids.

TooSoon

Hi TS,

I am very touched by your concern and care. Inspite the fact that you on the recovery stage you can spare your time and even offer a Mass for my family. You know without this website and especially you and Suzet I would be very, very isolated and I truly take great comfort from you guys. I know that I am not alone.

I am writing that letter although I also take your advice that W may not take it all in.

You are right we are 6 to 8 hours ahead of the States,depending on what State you are in, and it's now half past seven in the morning. I will be going to work this afternoon (1:45 p.m. to 9:15 p.m.).

One again thank you so much for your support and prayers. I pray for you too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TooSoonToBeComfortable:
<strong> I asked God the following:

To lift your wife out of her fog state that she is in and to have her come back to her family;

To give you the strength, the courage, and the knowledge to help you fight for your wife to come back to your family;

To give you the strength to cope with this painfull ordeal for the sake of your children, regardless of its outcome.

I hope this will let you know others care about your situation and support the saving of your family.

God Bless you, your wife, and your kids.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AMEN!

Dan, here is extra threads on exposure. Maybe you have already read it, but I’ll put the links here anyway:

Affair Exposure 101
Affair Exposure 102 - Help Yourself

God bless,
Suzet

<small>[ September 13, 2004, 01:48 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>One thing the Canadian friend suggested is that I write W a letter setting down all I want to say because there are so many things on my mind I wouldn't be able to lay them out before her extemporaneously. I think that is a good idea, at least I can be very objective without being angry or irrational.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>
Dan, I think writing the letter is a very good idea. Personally I find the writing of letters very effective & therapeutic. I view writing of letters as the ideal and most effective way to express oneself and to help bring underlying & hidden feelings and thoughts to the surface and express oneself more openly & honestly without letting those things that often blocks good & honest communication (anger, resentment etc.) interfere or get you off track.

Most of the time anger is the secondary emotion of primary/underlying feelings of hurt, sadness, feeling vulnerable or rejected etc. and writing a letter will help to communicate those feelings to your W without L’Bursting. It is necessary for your W to know about your anger as well and she must know about it, but a letter can help you do it in a constructive, non-criticizing way. Always trying to use “I” messages when talking to your W. That means communicating your feelings by telling her how her actions made/make you feel instead of using disrespectful judgments e.g. instead of saying “You are so selfish!” you can say “I feel angry (or hurt/disappointed/sad etc). when you're doing this or that”. This is just a simple example but you get the idea. It is difficult to stay objective and rational and use “I” messages when you’re talking directly to the person who hurt and disappoint you, but a letter will definitely make this easier.

Suzet