Dan:

The affair has been disrupted and that was the intent from the beginning. This disruption allows you to work towards ending it completely and then rebuilding your life with your wife.

You understand things pretty well now and you are correct, she must not have any contact with the OM. Do what you can at work to make that happen. I hate to say it, but you are going to have to police her for some time.

Try and have a good weekend. I think your marriage is going to survive. Remember, there are no winners, just survivors in these matters.

Thanks for the returned prayers.

TooSoon

Hi Guys,

TS I know that it would be a long and winding road. I just hope I don't get lost in the here and now, and always try to focus on the goal and that is to get W back.
I had a very long "chat" online with W's Canadian friend last night and she told me some things I never knew about how W felt when I was helping her sister out. It turns out W actually thought that I and her sister were having an affair. W and the kids went to visit her in Canada in 2001 and W then opened her heart out to her and the friend said she could see the hurt in W's wife when she was talking about me and her sister. TS if only I knew. I cried when her friend told me this last night, I think they were genuine tears of remorse for what I did to W. Right now I do not feel as resentful about her A because I made her feel like I feel now, albeit mine wasn't an A, it still felt like one for W. What an a-----e I have been. The friend told me not to continue beating myself over this, but I think I will for some time, in fact I think I will carry this guilt and remorse to my grave. I have not spoken to her sister since I discovered the A because W told her to back off as I have problems of my own. My own version of NC? Although this is purely for W's benefit.
Well TS I learn something everyday. I just hope I never forget these lessons. How's your recovery coming along? You know I dream of one day saying ,"I've been through infidelity and survived," like you can say now.
Thanks a lot for everything.

God Bless you all.

Dan: I took the brunt of the blame for not filling my wife's EN's after DD. I am not sure that was even acurate. It seems my FWW was trying desperately to shift the blame to me for her own selfish actions. Your wife and you are both responsible for the breakdown within your marriage but your wife and mine made a clearcut choice to pursue the affair in the manner they did.

As time went on, I became a bit bitter since I viewed her ploy to rewrite the history of our marriage to justify her affair. The affair did substantial damage to our relationship yet we are bouncing back. I follow these boards for my own therapy, I know. I look to see if our marriage is coming back as others in our stage have. It appears we are doing well. My insides feel we are doing well yet I hold back from fully loving her or embracing her for fear of additional rejection. I suspect that will change in time.

Your wife may not show any remorse for a few months for she is likely being rejected by the OM. This is good for she may become bitter towards him for this rejection. Expect lots of depression and blame from her as a way to express her hurt for the loss of the OM. They blame us BS's for the reason they had the affair and then they blame us for taking it away from them. We are in a no win situation, but we are the stronger of the two right now. They need our strength and desire to rebuild the marriage. They don't have it in them nor we are not what they want at the stage your wife is in.

I think your previously displayed patience, will work well for you because your battle to turn her around will be slow with pain. Any e-messages or contact with the OM will set her back. If you think things are going well and she then becomes aloof with you, she may have been in contact with the OM. It took a lot of steps for her to fall in love with the OM and it will take as many or more steps to undo the love.

Total reconnection with the spouse comes slow and last, I believe, Suzet suggested you can love two people at the same time because both parties fill different emotional needs for the BS.

Keep me posted and I will try and fill in the blanks for you from my perspective.

Take Care.

TooSoon

Dan:

I think Suzet posted this thread but I am not sure if it was for you. It is a thread about withdrawal. More stuff for you to read but there are so many stages you must put up or hoops to go thru to get back to where you were prior to the affair. I hope it helps or maybe you have already read it.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=029072

ToSoon

<small>[ September 18, 2004, 03:11 PM: Message edited by: TooSoonToBeComfortable ]</small>

Hi TS,

I have indeed read that link. I read it again just now and it has given me renewed strength, because more often I forget that this is a process and cannot be hurried or fast forwarded. I must understand that setbacks are real and must be faced. I think I often fall victim to my overwhelming need to get this phase of the process over with and begin rebuilding. I must understand that to rebuild old remnants of the crumbling edifice have to be carefully demolished and disposed of before the foundations can be laid for the new and hopefully stronger structure. I must learn to appreciate what progress there is in this process and I have a lot to thank for. First, I have to thank you guys for being there all the time, I really don't know how I could have survived this far without your help and support, and second I have to be grateful that W has not moved out and is showing no inclination to do so, in fact she is showing signs of interest in the future, our future, albeit only as friends, and third I am forever grateful for W's Canadian friend for who she is, a true and steadfast friend and support group of one! These are not necessarily in their order of importance, in fact all of the above have to be taken as a whole because right now those three form a very integral part of the foundations I am trying to lay.
I do have a lot to thank God for and I will go to Mass today with these thoughts in mind.

God Bless you all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I must understand that setbacks are real and must be faced. I think I often fall victim to my overwhelming need to get this phase of the process over with and begin rebuilding. I must understand that to rebuild old remnants of the crumbling edifice have to be carefully demolished and disposed of before the foundations can be laid for the new and hopefully stronger structure. I must learn to appreciate what progress there is in this process and I have a lot to thank for. First, I have to thank you guys for being there all the time, I really don't know how I could have survived this far without your help and support, and second I have to be grateful that W has not moved out and is showing no inclination to do so, in fact she is showing signs of interest in the future, our future, albeit only as friends, and third I am forever grateful for W's Canadian friend for who she is, a true and steadfast friend and support group of one! These are not necessarily in their order of importance, in fact all of the above have to be taken as a whole because right now those three form a very integral part of the foundations I am trying to lay.[/B] </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dan:

I felt very lucky my wife didn't move out too. So many WS's do and the damage keeps compounding, making it more difficult to restore the relationship. My marriage is doing better all the time. During this process, you lose the security your marriage offered you in the past. No matter how difficult life was, my work was, etc., I always knew I had my wife and family. That feeling of security is stripped away and you know that part of your life is also here today and gone tomorrow.

Today, I do not take my wife and marriage for granted and that is probably healthy anyway where before I took her for granted.

I also think this ordeal was a huge wakeup call and maybe even a test from God. It could be a reminder that He is the only person you can really ever trust, or it could simply be another lesson in human failings. I really don't know the answer. I do know that God takes away everything that is important to us in time anyway. I think it is probably part of the process of stripping us down to nothing to ready us for Him.

It kills me to read the pain on this board, and it would be easier to shut it off completely. I know that MB gave me the day to day and hour to hour knowledge and strength to hang in there. My MC session lasted for 50 minutes and was only weekly so MB's helped me in the mean time.

Try and talk to your wife about MC and maybe eventually she will consider logging on to talk to Suzet. Suzet has been in her shoes and will help her sort thru her feelings she had before and after the affair along with the rebuilding process.

I am truly happy that things have turned the corner. Your wife sounds like she was abrubtly dropped by the OM, and she is probably a mess inside. She will eventually lean on you and come back to you completely in time. In the mean time just be her friend, but do not be afraid to lay out strict rules she must abide by, NC, messages, etc.

Keep in touch.

TooSoon

I just got this e-mail today. I subscribe to an apparition site in Ohio. It maight help you to.

---------------

September 15, 2004
At the United Hearts Field

Our Lady is here as the Sorrowful Mother. She says: "Praise be to Jesus."

"My dear children, Jesus has allowed that I return to you tonight. I desire that you all discover the great gift of living in God's Divine Will, for in this Will there are no problems, no worries, no sickness, but all falls away in His Divine Will. You will discover this when you learn to accept what He gives you in each present moment. Oh! My dear children, what a gift this is and how much it soothes the Heart of your Mother."

"Tonight, My little ones, I'm blessing you with My Blessing of Holy Love."


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Holy Love Ministries is an ecumenical lay apostolate committed to living and propagating the Holy Love, Divine Love and United hearts messages. These messages which support the two great commandments--love God above all else and love your neighbor as yourself--are given by means of private revelation to Heaven's messenger. HLM Servants of Holy Love gather to pray the rosary for world peace, for an end to abortion, and that hearts open to Heaven's messages. Holy Love Ministries, 37137 Butternut Ridge Rd., Elyria, OH 44035; http://www.holylove.org

Hi TS,

Thanks for the post. I needed a quick fix just now and your message helped steady the ship. You see I had another talk with W and insisted that she end the A and it sooner rather than later. I know that she is still text messaging with OM. She escaped into her own shell and wouldn't hardly say anything, as she often does when the subject of her A came up. All she said was she is going to end it and she has her plans to end it. She wouldn't elaborate. I kept insisting and even said that if she wants to live with OM then the she can go, although I reminded her the upset this will cause not only for me but for the kids. She didn't answer my challenge and just lay there deep in her own thoughts. I really hate upsetting W but I have to be very firm when it comes to having her end the A. I have a question. Is this kind of pressure counter productive and is this against the MB rules of Plan A i.e., Avoid Demands at All Costs? Should I just be content with her staying and let her end the A in her own time? Or should I use exposure instead of pressuring her to bring about the end, or do I use both? Please enlighten me on this point.
I read with great interest your post re Mary. I too believe in her, and have often sought her help so many times in the past. In fact I pray the rosary as often as I can during the course of a day (mostly during lunch breaks at work) and I take great comfort in the message because I have offered all these to God and His will be done.
Thanks a lot TS. God Bless you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Thanks for the post. I needed a quick fix just now and your message helped steady the ship. You see I had another talk with W and insisted that she end the A and it sooner rather than later. I know that she is still text messaging with OM. She escaped into her own shell and wouldn't hardly say anything, as she often does when the subject of her A came up. All she said was she is going to end it and she has her plans to end it. She wouldn't elaborate.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My wife would sneak out and call the OM when the heat was on. She would go to the store, etc. Later, I would get her cell bills and I would see she would make a 20 minute call.

My wife too went into her shell. It was like I was talking to a wall. Your wife sounds like mine right now. If she is still sending him messages, you must implement your plan of exposure. I do think the OM's wife is working to end it too. Try and call her and tell her what is going on. If she knows about it, tell her it continues on. Then tell your wife what you did.

Tell her you will tell everyone in her life until the affair ends. I believe she is resisting the ending of the affair, like mine did. The addiction of love is strong. She doesn't understand it yet, but the affair is crumbling down slowly and you must put pressure on the affair to end it completely. My wife told me months later that her love was so strong for the OM that it felt like it did when she fell in love with me 22 years ago. This is serious stuff. They are not able to sort out the feelings are being built on fantasy at this stage. Their relationship lacks reality and when you ad a dose of reality, different personalities surface in the affairs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I kept insisting and even said that if she wants to live with OM then the she can go, although I reminded her the upset this will cause not only for me but for the kids. She didn't answer my challenge and just lay there deep in her own thoughts. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think I would challenge her to move at this stage. She really wants to anyway. She is still heavy in the fog and you don't want her thinking too much about that. That is my opinion anyway. Save that for post fog when she is in then out of the fog.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I really hate upsetting W but I have to be very firm when it comes to having her end the A. I have a question. Is this kind of pressure counter productive and is this against the MB rules of Plan A i.e., Avoid Demands at All Costs? Should I just be content with her staying and let her end the A in her own time? Or should I use exposure instead of pressuring her to bring about the end, or do I use both? Please enlighten me on this point. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Months ago, I was criticized by one poster for threatening my wife with more exposure. It was the exposure to our kids, her brother and his wife, and my father that got her attention. My wife kept resisting me so I then told her BF's parents. I then told her I was going to tell her aging mother, her co-workers and her boss. She pleaded with me to not hurt her mother. I said fine, end the affair.

Your wife must end the affair and the contact to save your marriage. She is in complete turmoil right now and if a plan was laid out for her by the OM, she may leave. I don't think there is a plan in place by him, but she still wants to keep it alive.

You cannot tolerate her keeping the affair alive and if you do, you stand to lose her. You cannot let her scare you into allowing her to keep the affair alive. Do not become an enabler of the affair. This is a time to fight hard and dirty to save your marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I read with great interest your post re Mary. I too believe in her, and have often sought her help so many times in the past. In fact I pray the rosary as often as I can during the course of a day (mostly during lunch breaks at work) and I take great comfort in the message because I have offered all these to God and His will be done. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God doesn't want division in families and we must believe He wants everyone to learn from this terrible ordeal. You might consider subscribing to their Holy Messages. I enjoy them because I view them in the manner as when Mary appeared at Fatima and spoke to the children.

Don't hold back, fight with a vengence. I believe evil forces are behind this and evil influence the minds of their victoms, your wife and the OM. Encourage MC as well and see if she will consider it.

TooSoon

Dan:

Look, I know every case is different yet they are similar. I forget which poster criticized my approach but many of them lost their spouses by not taking appropriate action. My way worked in my case. I found my wife's weak spot and used it against her. You have to remember, she was looking for an apartment with the OM and was furniture shopping too. She was lying to everyone around her and she actually put down a deposit on an apartment.

You reach a point where you have nothing to lose. The only thing I would have done differently was fight more agressively than I did and much earlier. My fear held me back and she used my fear of losing her as a way to continue the affair. I would have exposed her to everyone early on. I didn't and she continued on. It was when I played mean and for keeps did I change the flow of the affair.

Do not be afraid. Many on this board have lost their spouses forever or they tolerate the spouse having a free rein to see who they want and when. That is no marriage as far as I am concerend. I wanted her at all costs but later I became angry with her attitude and I told her she could leave anytime. Today, I would not fight her at all. If she resumes deliberate contact with the OM, I would end the marriage.

You don't want to geive them the option to leave when they are in the heavy fog because they want to leave you anyway. Later, when they compare the spouse and kids with the OM, out of the fog state, is when your package looks better.

Everyone is different. I hope my thoughts help some.

TooSoon

Hi TS,

Thanks for the posts. I was indeed wondering if by giving her the option to leave I was only encouraging her to. But you see I thought I found the weak link in her armour, and that was that she is very reluctant to leave, in fact she only mentioned leaving just after the initial shock of discovery, since then she has never mentioned it again. The Canadian friend also said that she asked W repeatedly whether she was leaving and W confirmed repeatedly that she is not. I believe this because I know that she won't do it for our son's sake. So I felt comfortable with giving her the choice of staying and ending it or leave. There is no way we can live together while she's carrying on with OM.
This week she will go back to work and of course OM will be there. There will be rough times ahead, and I'm fastening my seat belt.
Thanks a lot for the support and prayers.
God Bless you.

Hi Guys,

Just a quick update, my W emailed her friend in Canada and confirmed that she is ending the A. She said that she is ending it for our son, which I knew all along, and for financial reasons. She said that we are to stay together as friends, which she also said to me in our last conversation about it. What is very significant here is that she has confirmed it to her friend. The first time she said it to me she spoke to this friend and she would go only go as far as saying that she still doesn't know what to do. But now she has confirmed it which is very reassuring because I thought that she was just trying to give me a false sense of security while they (her and OM) are weighing their options. So this is a big positive and I can face the day better. I do understand that the hard work starts now, and like our Canadian friend said, I have to start "courting" her again, a job I do look forward to with relish, I think this is Plan A.?
Again thanks a lot to everybody. Suzet how did your "procedure" go?
God Bless you all.

Dan:

I think Suzet is going to be out of commission for over a week to two weeks but I know she will be responding as soon as she can.

Good news for you Dan. Your wife fell down like Humpty Dumpty did. Now it is your job, to not only find all the pieces, but to help put Humpty back together again.

You actually have more knowledge than your wife about what she has been through and you will have to help her along the way. You cannot tolerate the affair but you must accept it as fact and your Canadian friend is right about you courting her all over again. She will gradually fall back in love with you, like mine did.

I continue to believe the OM's wife played a key role in the break up of the affair. The affair didn't stand the test of exposure and the reality it brought to the affair. The OM wasn't really prepared to walk away and take over the responsibility of being a step dad and the new husband of your wife. He just wanted the best of both worlds.

Since the OM likely walked away, it will take your w awhile to get over the loss and you will have to help her as you can. Just be nice and be yourself and she will grow to appreciate you again, but in her own time.

I am amazed at how much pain these affairs bring to families, yet they go on everyday. I remain convinced that people do not set out to fall in love, but it just happens by accident. Then it is too late. Love is blind as they say.

Keep us posted Dan. Police her actions and be firm with her as you need too. She is wounded and hurt on the inside for losing her "love".
Give yourself a few months for recovery to feel like it is working and expect the ride back to be bumpy and maybe even more painful than the affair itself. I think you and I are the lucky ones, our wives didn't move out completely before the collapse of the affair.

Keep us posted. Suzet will be very helpful at the next phase of your ordeal since she will help you understand your wife's emotions better and that will help you cope with recovery. I will still be around anyway. Keep us posted.

TooSoon

Hi TS,

it will take your w awhile to get over the loss and you will have to help her as you can. Just be nice and be yourself and she will grow to appreciate you again, but in her own time.

Today W went back to work and deliberately avoided OM during their break. I felt quite elated. Got home and found out that W had sent text messages. I can live with this for now. Like you said in the quote above it will take time. I think (more like hope) that these messages are the last gasps of a dying affair.

I am amazed at how much pain these affairs bring to families, yet they go on everyday. I remain convinced that people do not set out to fall in love, but it just happens by accident. Then it is too late. Love is blind as they say.

TS as I wrote in a previous posting I will make everybody aware that they have to work actively to safeguard their marriages. Affairs are so devastating and traumatic and the fall out can be catastrophic. And yet they go on everyday, just imagine the suffering it leaves at its wake.

I think you and I are the lucky ones, our wives didn't move out completely before the collapse of the affair.

You are so right. We are indeed the lucky ones, nay the blessed ones. For without His help I do not think W and I would be at this point now considering how everything looked two months ago when I first discovered the A.

TS thanks a lot for everything. God bless you.

Dan:

Hope your communications with your wife has begun and is productive. Read this in your spare time:

http://www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com/getinformed/articles/recovery.html

Recovery - A Story

© Penny R. Tupy 2003

As I’m sure you’ve heard me say many times before. Almost all affairs end. And as you’ve no doubt heard me say, most marriages that are struck by infidelity don’t end as a result of the affair, they end when the conditions that led to the affair are not addressed. When that happens, as it does in most cases of infidelity, couples bumble around for months or years never really finding a connection to each other, not reestablishing romantic love, and not finding fulfillment in their marriage. Eventually they either divorce or drift apart living separate lives. The risk of a repeat affair is very high.

Even though that is the sad state of most post infidelity marriages, it doesn’t need to happen that way. Real recovery is possible. Recovery which is defined by restoring romantic love, reestablishing trust, and finally by forgiveness. The steps to getting there are difficult and often times painful but the alternative is far more difficult and tragic. So what are those steps? Where does a couple begin to pick up the pieces of shattered love and trust? And how do they put those pieces back together to form a picture of a marriage that is very different from the one they knew prior to the affair?

To answer those questions I’ve decided to tell the story of a real couple who are working at recovering their marriage; doing all the right things, and struggling with the issues most couples face.

This is a true story of a couple I’ve worked with. Names and identifying details are changed to protect their privacy, but the story is true. It highlights so well the steps that make a successful recovery. My thanks to them both for letting me tell their story.

Matthew and Lisa were married less than a year when Lisa began an affair with a coworker. When Matthew discovered the affair and angrily confronted his wife, she left their home in a huff, moving in with a family member. A few months after she left and after trying to entice her to come home, Matthew sent her a letter stating his love for her and stating as well that until her affair was over he could no longer interact with her. Matthew loved his wife dearly, but he could no longer put up with the pain of the affair, and he was tired of feeling that he was enabling her betrayal of him and of their marriage.

She responded by filing for divorce.

It was about that time that I met Matthew. We talked a little about his situation, but given where it was at that time, separated and with no contact, there wasn’t much I could offer. He had done all the right things and taken all the right steps to end the affair. You might think that there was no hope at this point, but as I see every day, love is a miracle that works its magic in our lives.

Just as Matthew was beginning to lose hope and to think of simply going ahead with the divorce, he got a message from Lisa. She wanted to talk. And talk she did. She told Matthew that she had ended her relationship with her lover, and that she was willing to do whatever it took to save their marriage and to return home.

Matthew called me, and we got to work. And make no doubt about it, it is work! The first obstacle was not what to do with Lisa it was what to do with Matthew. He had worked so hard for so long to save his marriage, hurt so much in the process, and was now making peace with the idea that it was over. Matthew was ready to move on. This new development meant that he would need to go back to that place of uncertainty and pain; that he would need to revisit all the issues that he was prepared to pack away. So the first step in recovery was gathering up the courage to take that leap.

When Matthew called me, we talked about the first steps Lisa would need to take to show him that this was for real. He was very fearful that if he agreed to reconcile, Lisa would do the same thing again in the future, or that she would simply restart the affair with her coworker. I suggested interim checkpoints for him…. along the lines of a “go/no-go” decision that could be addressed more than once. Since Lisa was not living at home during this time, we established that she would not move home until she agreed to certain conditions and proved that she would follow through.

The first condition was that she needed to quit her job as soon as possible and to end all contact forever with her lover. This was the first and the biggest of the go/no-go checkpoints.

She gave notice immediately, and even skipped her last day of work to avoid the possibility of seeing the lover who was returning from a business trip.

Next Matthew asked her to give him all her phone and email passwords so he could verify that she was not contacting the former lover. He agreed to share all that information with her as well creating a state of complete openness in their marriage regarding communications with others.

They each agreed to be accountable to the other regarding their time and whereabouts.

This was particularly difficult for Lisa, living away from home, unemployed, and with lots of free time. She was excellent about calling Matthew with her schedule and with letting him know where she was at all times. She even went so far as to make sure she called from her hosts’ home phone so that he could verify that she was where she said she was by the number on his caller ID.

Honesty loomed as a large obstacle in Matthew’s eyes. He had been lied to and betrayed for many months, and he had questions and fears that didn’t seem to end. Lisa agreed to answer all his questions as completely as possible. This is essential if the marriage is to recover.

This is a very touchy subject for both parties following an affair. Matthew had things he needed to know, things he deserved to know, and at the same time if they were to move along this path of recovery he needed to ask for and receive information in a way that was not destructive. I suggested he make a list of all the things he wanted to know about the affair, and that they meet in a public place to discuss his questions. At their request, I met with them as facilitator and support.

Both Matthew and Lisa handled this incredibly difficult meeting with grace and dignity that would have been amazing in a couple twice their age. Matthew managed to hear the details of the affair without losing his temper or making derogatory statements about his wife. Lisa put on a cloak of courage that I have rarely seen equaled and answered completely questions that I know were embarrassing and terrifying. Neither knew if the other would still want to save the marriage when this meeting was over. It was one of those miracles of love that they stared the ugliness of the affair in the face and then agreed to take the next step in the direction of restoring their marriage.

Although the affair was over, and Lisa was no longer working with her affair partner, there needed to be a definite closure. With Matthew, Lisa wrote a letter to the other man, stating her commitment to her marriage, definitively telling him the affair was over, and asking that he never contact her again. They took the letter to the mailbox together.

It was at this point, when the affair had been completely ended, no contact ever in the future was agreed to, measures for accountability were in place, and the details of the affair were in the open that this couple felt they were really beginning to recover their marriage. Now comes the hard work of picking up the pieces and creating a whole new picture of what their marriage would look like. They knew they didn’t want to return to the marriage they had before, and they knew they needed help to create a marriage that was fulfilling and joyful for each of them.

The first step towards that goal was once again, honesty. What things were not working for each of them in the past? What hurt? What did they need that they didn’t get from the other? In addition to that information, Matthew and Lisa needed to learn how to be honest about all aspects of their lives, particularly how they felt about the things the other one did.

Once we had that information pathway open, we began to talk about the things either of them did that was objectionable to the other. Lisa liked to spend a little too freely, and Matthew tended to be disrespectful of Lisa’s ideas and opinions.

They worked together to create strategies to address those things. Lisa agreed to shop only when Matthew was with her or to purchase only the things they both agreed on. Matthew worked to change how he expressed his opinions and to listen more to Lisa’s viewpoint. In turn, she now speaks up when she feels her thoughts are being invalidated so that Matthew can know what to avoid in the future.

With the elimination of things that were painful under way we began to turn our attention more and more to what things would make them happy. As they found they could be together and not get hurt they looked forward more and more to meeting each others needs in the marriage.

Once again, this step requires a courageous level of honesty. Both Matthew and Lisa began to talk about the things they needed in the marriage, and in what way they needed those things. Lisa expressed a need for affection which is a nearly universal need for women. But it’s also a pretty generic statement. What Matthew needed to know was what things in particular would meet that need for her.

Matthew expressed a strong need for honesty of all kinds. For those who have never experienced the infidelity of a spouse, his need might seem controlling and obsessive, but this was his way of feeling safe and protected after the betrayal and the lies of the affair. Lisa went out of her way to be as open and sharing as possible with every aspect of her life in order to help Matthew regain a feeling of safety. I assured them both that in time the deep suspicion and fear he was feeling would pass.

Like many husbands, Matthew also has a strong need for sex in the marriage.

This issue proved to be extremely difficult because he was haunted by visions of Lisa with her affair partner. When they became physically intimate he was often overwhelmed with anger and pain. We talked about letting Lisa know what was happening, in a way that was both honest and respectful. I urged them both to understand that this too would pass, and it would do so sooner if they continued to spend time together rebuilding the connection they once shared and if they made a commitment to keeping the affair in the past as much as possible.

Spending time together as a couple is the element that ties it all together. Even with being honest, eliminating painful behaviors, and attempting to do those things each needs to be happy, without adequate time as a couple recovery never really gets off the ground.

And finally Matthew and Lisa took their newfound habit of honesty to the next level. They used the information they shared and received to make decisions that were good for both of them. No longer would there be choices made about their lives that felt good for one but hurt the other.

Recovery is a process. It’s a process that lasts for the rest of your life. At first it’s difficult and frightening, but as the days and then the months and years go on couples who are dedicated to making it work will find that walking this path becomes second nature. Intimate relationships are never conflict free. There is always another issue just around the corner waiting to rock the boat. It’s not the substance of the conflict that makes or breaks the marriage it’s the way in which it is handled.

Matthew finally invited Lisa to move back into their home. At this writing they are negotiating how that will work and what steps they need to take so that they each feel comfortable reintegrating their lives. Matthew and Lisa did all the right things once the affair was ended. It hasn’t been easy, and I’ve had more than a few panicked phone calls and emails. But they continue to hang in there day after day, working the process, growing together, recreating a love they once shared.

Here then are the steps that outline the process of recovery:

First and foremost, the affair must end. There must be a verifiable promise that the unfaithful spouse will never see or speak to the affair partner again. Honesty Accountability / time, whereabouts, money Eliminating behaviors and habits that are painful for either spouse Incorporating new behaviors that make each other happy Putting it all together by making time alone as a couple a priority It takes up to two years for a couple to get through the most difficult steps of recovery. After that it’s a matter of staying on track and keeping the marriage as a top priority in life. It also happens that after about two years that the faithful spouse finds that the deep suspicion and distrust dissipates. Forgiveness (which I differentiate from letting go of bitterness and resentment, and which should be done as soon as possible) almost naturally occurs at this time as well.

The need for honesty and accountability goes on forever, couples should be aware that we can all fall into the nightmare of infidelity. By keeping our lives open to each other we can avoid even the beginnings of that tragedy. I tell couples that they should distrust themselves and their partner, knowing that we are all capable of having an affair. A few well placed precautions can prevent falling into that trap.

Hi TS,

Thanks for the article. However it did fill me with envy for the couple. You see st this stage my W is still maintaining contact with OM, although she has promised to end it. In a couple of weeks I will be joining their shift so contact then would be almost nil. However this b_ _ _ _ y cellphone messages could still continue. Also W has emphatcially said that she doesn't want to work on our marriage and that we are just staying together as friends. All the examples of recovering couples have both parties working or committed to working for the marriage, whereas my W isn't.
I have to ask you whether telling W to stop all contact (especially cellphone text messages) is counter to the rules of Plan A regarding demands.
Also am I right in assuming that talk of staying together as friends is just "fog" talk and eventually by following Plan A she will come around? Sorry but I am again full of doubts and uncertainty. I often have to keep reminding myself of the positive things to avoid feeling into dejected and discouraged.
Thanks again for the article and link. Haven't visited the link yet will do as soon as I post this.
God Bless You.

Dan:

As a guy who has been through hell and back, I will stress to you again the importance of adding reality to the affair. Exposure is the absolutely necessary thing you can do to bring reality to the affair. Exposure will test the commitment of the two violators of the affair. I am convinced the OM's wife is more committed to his wife and your wife is the agressive party and doesn't want it to die. My wife also permitted her affair to flurish so I say this understanding your pain of these words. Please give yourself a chance to end the affair by exposing these lovers to the world.

As of today, your wife's heart is with the other man and until you break the cycle, it will remain with him and she won't come back to you. You don't have to live like this for long for you can go into plan B by giving her an ultimatum, him or you. If she can't decide, tell her to leave you and the kids. If you kick her out today, she will continue with her affair. Expose her and get their loved ones pushing them to end the affair. It is then when you have a chance to end the affair and to begin the process of reclaiming her. She will eventually fall back in love with you as mine did with me.

I mentioned this to you long ago, one of them must leave their job to eliminate any contact. You must step outside of your fear and implement the MB program. It has worked for hundreds and thousands in the past. I must warn you that affairs do cause divorces to happen even if the WS walks eventually walks away from the OP. In many cases, they don't come back to thier BS's. If you are not careful, you stand to lose your family forever. You must implement exposure to get others to help her see the light through the fog.

I am not sure how to help you if you don't take action. Please listen to me and so many others who have been through this before you.

I pray that God gives you the strenth and wisdom to do what you need to do. I think you need to start a new thread and title it, "I am afraid to expose my WW's Affair, Please Help" .

Let's get others also help you with your case.

TooSoon

<small>[ September 24, 2004, 10:06 PM: Message edited by: TooSoonToBeComfortable ]</small>

Hi TS,

I can sense a note of exasperation in your post. I too would feel the same about me. I have given myself a deadline. If W doesn't end it by the time I move to their shift (11 Oct.) I would start exposure. This timetable maybe reflects my fears but it also shows an appreciation of the positive things that are happening most important of which is that W has no plans to leave and join OM. I am quite comfortable with the idea that I may have to give her an ultimatum, him or me, because I know she will choose me not because of me but because of our son. However I am preparing for exposure. I have researched OM's connections and know how to go about exposing the A to them. As it is I have considerably disrupted the A by working behind the scenes to prevent them from working together. And I have succeeded in "sabotaging" the secret cellphone so that she can't use it anymore. There will be a lot more disruptions when I move to their shift because then the chance that they can talk is nil. All those breaks spent together would stop and I am sure that W and/orOM would realise that continuing the A is almost impossible. Like you said I will be policing her actions and make it easier for them to just end it because they will realise that the A cannot flourish. The only way it can is if W leaves which I am sure she won't do, thanks to our son.
I hope I have explained the rationale behind my seemingly muddled approach. Sorry for my intransigence, but I hope you can see a method to my madness.

God Bless You.

That's ok Dan, you know what and when is best for your individual case. There is no perfect right way or time. It does sound like you are making some progress anyway.

Take Care

TooSoon

Dan:

To help you understand what kind of timelines you are possibly facing with your recovery, I thought I would recap my situation and our timelines for you.

My wife’s knew the OM casually for several years at work and an internal job change for her caused her to have more one-on-one contact with the OM, which began the beginning their EA. The relationship was built over coffee breaks, lunches, and time alone at work. This led to meetings at the park after work, a few movies and drinks and the EA was in full blossom in August of 2003. I knew something was definitely wrong with our marriage and I even suspected she was having an affair. I even discussed it with our oldest son during this time due to her coming home from work late, taking shopping trips without buying anything, etc.

My discovery day was 1/16/04. She convinced me to allow her to continue to work at her job with the absolute promise of minimal contact or strictly business contact only with the OM. Even though we were supposed to be in recovery, our marriages remained in constant turmoil since I could not tolerate her working with the OM everyday. I learned so much about MB, I knew NC was a must. Due to constant fighting, total upheaval in our home, and due to my insistence only, my wife finally agreed to quit her job 4/14/04. The separation from the OM caused her to go into deep depression and she remained aloof with me for a couple of months. We basically lived together, unhappily.

It has only been since mid August 2004 that I began to start feeling like we were going to make it as a couple but she complained of being trapped with me and that she felt the need for her freedom and independence. I finally became completely fed up and I said, “fine, go get your old job back, make an income, get an apartment, move out, and go date or move in with your XBF if you want. I then laid out a plan for a divorce by splitting of the assets, etc. I even agreed to allow her to move on in her life debt free and that I would take all the bills, school, and business loans, etc. I then told her to go look in the mirror and see the aging 46 year old woman that she is and I told her she didn’t have what it takes to keep her now 29 year old guy (XBF) long term. I told her she could leave the family as the un-loyal spouse that she is, the liar and the cheat that she became, and she will then be labeled as the woman who left her kids. I told her I would never fight her or fight for her again, ever. I told her I knew God would give her back ten times worse than she gave to me and the kids. I also told her I hope I am around after the OM dumps her so I can see it unfold. I told her she has another option and that is too staying and rebuilding our marriage and that will allow her to redeem herself with the kids, God, and myself. She was lost for words and asked me if I knew what I was saying. I said I absolutely meant everything I said and I that I am tired of everything and I know this will end it once and for all. When I approached her on this, we were not fighting so it wasn’t said in the heat of an argument.

She has been completely out of her fog state for sometime and the next day she said it wasn’t fair she had to move out of the house. She asked me why I get the house, the kids and even the dog. I said those items don’t come with being free and independent. She then said she didn’t want to leave and she would try harder and she would quit complaining about her lack of freedom and independence. We are now at the end of September 2004 and our marriage has been better than anytime since post affair. She even quit drinking wine, which was causing her to be screwed up way too often. She is now only drinking beer, which doesn’t mess her up. Our communication has improved substantially and our SF has become better and more intense.

This weekend, I asked her if she still thinks of the OM and she said, “yes, on occasion”. I asked her what she thinks about and she says how stupid the whole ordeal was and how she was stupid to even think there was really a relationship between the two of them. She said she is convinced the relationship was really only a fantasy that she built-up in her own mind. She says she knows it could have never worked.

It has taken nearly 5.5 months since NC to get back to where we are today. It was very long and difficult. By allowing her to continue with her job and to have any contact with the OM, I set my recovery period back 3 months. I hope this helps you know that things can come back in your marriage as they have in mine. Good Luck.

TooSoon