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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 22
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 22 |
My wife left me suddenly because of my bad temper. She said we should be apart for 6 months.
I have just been diagnosed as bipolar and the doctor told me that these angry traits are very related to the disease but my wife is still very angry for the past and because she said we needed councilling but I was to afraid to go. Any words of advice?
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
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Member
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906 |
LHD...
Regardless of the term bi-polar...and the inclination towards more explosive reactions rather than calm ones...
the "diagnosis" does not explain or justify your behaviors and reactions.....
you need to
1. make changes that replace your tendencies to react loudly and aggressively and PROVE to your wife that these changes are now the way you are...
you have to leave those patterns so far in the dust that you become a new man..unreconizable by you and her...
you have to atone and take full ownership of those reactions not blow them off by using a term or diagnosis...
is she talking to you at all..
are you two spending any time together
do you have children
ages
have you directed your poor behaviors at your children, at other family members
you have to change ..but people can and do it all the time..
change is scary...but scarier is living your life that same way up till now...which doesn't sound very pleasant for you or your wife...
the more you conquer small interactions where you feel the ease of slipping back in to old patterns of anger and lashing...and the more you take control of the little feelings to lash out..the more control and confidence you can gain...that will build upon each other...
these changes will serve you well first...
then serve those you love..
if your life has been full of chaos and anger and yelling...imagine that NOT being a way life...
seek God..
seek peace...
ARK
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 22
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 22 |
I have 3 children ages 13,11 and 8. My wife really wants her space but we talk occassionally. We have a 1/2 meeting with a councillor together tomorrow. I'm terified because I have no excuse what I did. I realize what you are saying about the disease and you are right I have to take responsibility. And believe me after I came home and no one was home and things were missing, it opened my eyes. I immediately went to work to fix all family relationships that were broken because I realized my roots had to be repaired first and I'm seeing a therapist 2 to 3 times a week to help with my anger. I feel I have made huge strides because I now know where my anger came from. But I really feel helpless wondering if my wife will ever fall in love with me again. I love her very much, she is a fantastic woman.
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
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Member
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906 |
well your wife is watching you from afar...
waiting to see what YOU will do..
are you seeing the children...
are you actively and aggressively (in a good way) seeking out time with them..
addressing their concerns
addressing their fears...
showing changes to them...
believe me when I say your wife is watching what you do with them...
and they deserves a second chance with a dad that's not quite so volitile...
your wife can fall in love with you again...
you need to show her consistant changes
you need to be strong
not harrass her for answers to questions that she can not answer right now...
you should read about plan a...
how to meet her needs from a distance..
you can't be so afraid of her and her choice to perhaps leave you that you go belly up and are to afraid to risk with her...
take her a coffee at work
drop it off with no strings attached...
ask how she is sleeping
ask how she is eating
verbalize concern about her...
ask about her..
be interested in her...
ARK
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 22
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 22 |
What do you think about her saying we will have to be apart at least six months? I know I cannot pressure her to get together sooner but it seems she pulled this off the top of her head. I guess I'm looking for some sort of benchmark out there for time.
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
Member
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Member
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906 |
let go of the benchmarks...
focus back on you and your changes...
seek out your wife with kindness and contrition..
not pressure and expectations..
ark
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 22
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 22 |
Where do I read about plan a?
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LHD:
<strong> What do you think about her saying we will have to be apart at least six months? I know I cannot pressure her to get together sooner but it seems she pulled this off the top of her head. I guess I'm looking for some sort of benchmark out there for time. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perhaps she is thinking of the welfare of your kids.
If the kids have been even a witness to your temper, they may suffer.
So, a good place to start with your wife if to respect her decision.
Ask frequently about the welfare of your kids, and never question your wife about the "fairness" of her 6 month plan.
This will impress her more than anything.
concern for the kids
respect for her decision
remorse for the past
willingness to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to make things right
GOOD LUCK!
Pep
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 22
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 22 |
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^:
<strong> well your wife is watching you from afar...
waiting to see what YOU will do..
are you seeing the children...
are you actively and aggressively (in a good way) seeking out time with them..
addressing their concerns
addressing their fears...
showing changes to them...
believe me when I say your wife is watching what you do with them...
and they deserves a second chance with a dad that's not quite so volitile...
your wife can fall in love with you again...
you need to show her consistant changes
you need to be strong
not harrass her for answers to questions that she can not answer right now...
you should read about plan a...
how to meet her needs from a distance..
you can't be so afraid of her and her choice to perhaps leave you that you go belly up and are to afraid to risk with her...
take her a coffee at work
drop it off with no strings attached...
ask how she is sleeping
ask how she is eating
verbalize concern about her...
ask about her..
be interested in her...
ARK </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
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