Roughroad...I haven't seen you around lately. How are things going? If you're lurking please let us know you're OK.

I think you posted your email address to me in another thread. I will look for that now.

I hope all is well with you.

well we really are 2 peas in a pod, i was thinking about doing a post to you today to see how you were doing!

i'm okay, i don't post much anymore for lots of reasons. first, my only computer access is at work and my work had gotten so far behind that i had to make myself not be on the forums but i think i'm kind of caught up now. also i just felt too greedy about asking for help and support. i know there are so many people out there in need and are in terrible pain and i just didn't feel like i could ask for people to post to me but not post to them in return. i just simply can't keep up w/all the posts. there is just so much hurt and pain and CRISIS on the boards right now and maybe i just don't feel like i have much to offer anyone. kind of feel like i repeat myself a lot. not that that's necessarily all bad, i'll go to my grave saying that the best thing to do is to pray but you know what i mean.

i guess i'm also frustrated at some of the things that i see other people advise other people. i know that this is just a support group online but still i just want to say to some people that the things they suggest are not necessarily the best thing to do in other people's situation. maybe i just compare what SH tells me to other's too much. but if everyone agrees that the harley's are the expect then what does that say? the truth is that plan B is not right for everyone, that making demands for a WS once they return is not always the best thing to do, and there are different degrees of exposure for each situation. maybe i feel subcounsciously that i know SH pretty well and how he would or wouldn't advise. i just don't know.

but also when i don't receive a reply or post on my threads i don't really feel like i should keep bumping it up to keep it active, maybe I should. i don't want to be a broken record and say "hey did you read my latest post on my thread?" so w/that being said. did you read the last thread I started about my H and saying he has to get a D? i'll bump it up for you if you want. but i'm not going to florida this month like i had originally planned.

i'm still just trying to take one day at a time and rely more on God because it will take a miracle for my H to come around. but more and more people are praying for me and for us and i know that's all good. i still counsel w/SH but my funds are really low and to be honest i have to prepare to fight a D, which means i can't run up the credit cards w/so many sessions w/SH.

i feel lonely. sometimes i just find myself looking in the mirror and just ask myself "what am i doing here?" have i gotten to use to being by myself? i mean it was not supposed to be this way but have I? the only friend i had here moved a few weeks ago to D.C. so now i don't really have anybody to do stuff with. the women at church are just not reaching out to me. not that they aren't nice or anything but no one is inviting me over or inviting me to go and do somethings, etc. i don't feel like i'm in the position to do the inviting because i'm not familiar to the areas, i'm new to the church, and i can't really invite anyone over to where i live.

i know satan is working on me big time because there is a man at church who's helped me w/getting the dog runs set up at my place. he was one of the first people that welcomed me to the church, talked to my mom, etc. he's shared some of his life w/me, etc. (his wife left him, he had to be hospitalized afterwards, etc.) and he's told me a few times that he's basically alone (not in a bad way) and just wants some one to pal around with. he invited me to go to a local fair last friday night. i told him if he got a few more people to go then i would go. well that was kind of the point, he couldn't find anybody else because everyone else is married, has kids, etc. i had a conversation once and told him that i had to be extremely careful and not do thing that would displease God and maybe make other people think things about me or me and him, etc. he said he understood and that was probably wise.

don't get me wrong it's not like he's hanging on me or anything but he's been where i am and i think he's at the point where he wants to meet someone, etc. (he's been divorced for 5 years). anyway my point is that why can't any of the women come up to me like he has?! it's not like i'm in the military anymore and have to keep a certain distance because i'm just going to leave. i'm not the way i used to be w/keeping people at arm's length. i am trying really hard to get to know people (in my church) but yet i still feel kind of outcast, at least by people my own age. there's like 3 older women who have been really nice and very helpful to me and one of them i even call my mentor because i talk to her about what's going on w/my H and our M because she has also been where i am.

so that's kind of where i am at. i try not to think about anyone thing for any amount of time. because in one way or another i apply it to my situation and my insides, if that makes any sense. for example, if someone is saying how there's something they don't like about their S (like a pet peeve), my first reaction is you just don't know how lucky you are to have a spouse w/you at home. because my H cannot really come back to the M until decemeber. I don't know how else to explain it but that's the way it is. he doesn't graduate until december so he couldn't go anywhere until then anyway so why get upset if he's not "home" now? God's preparing things for me that I have no idea about. maybe because my H won't graduate until december God is using this time to prepare me more for a reconcilliation or for worse. I just don't know. i can't even think about not being M anymore to my H because once I do that then i start thinking about meeting someone else and it just makes me even more sad because to be brutally honest i think i would be very sad and emotional the first time i was w/someone because i never have been w/anyone other than my H. it was never supposed to be like this and i still can't believe that my H actually wants me to be w/someone else and that he IS w/someone else already and has been for quite some time.

well hopefully this post wasn't too depressing for you but you did ask how i was doing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> how are you? have you got into some counseling yet? you can still email me and i hope you will. just make sure you put MB or heroswife in the subject line so that i know it's you and i won't delete it. Thanks for thinking about me and asking how i was doing. i was going to do the same to you but you beat me to the punch <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> continued prayers to you, RR

RR,

I'm very sorry to hear that you are feeling so down and I understand your need to get a break from the boards once in a while. I does get overwhelming to see so much hurt and pain all of the time.

I would like to reply to a couple of things that you wrote. From your post I can sense that you feel very lonely and I was wondering if it would be possible for you to start some other activity to meet friends. I know that the church is very important to you, but church may not necessarily be the best way to meet people your age to have fun and hang around with. I'm not sure in which city you live and what your personal interest are, but depending on your interests, you may want to look into joining a group/class that suits your interests where you can meet some like-minded people that are hopefully in your same age-range.

Another thing that I have personally experienced is that many women do not want to have a single woman around, especially if their are married. While this may be very sad, I have found it to be so true. During this entire ordeal with my husband, I have really found out who I can rely upon and who really is a good girlfriend to me. When my husband was deployed, many of our friends turned away from me because I sensed that their wives did not feel comfortable inviting me over because I was "single" for about a year. Now if they know on top of all this that you are separated from your husband or having marital trouble, many times they will stay away even more. That is why I would suggest that you look at alternatives to the church.

I also feel that sometimes people sense our sadness. Do you think that could be the case with you? I have found that if I put my personal issues aside and try to be a friend and live my life as best as I can, then people generally respond well to me. That is why I hardly talk with friends about my personal issues. I do think that it is important in a friendship to support the other person and to be understanding, but often people are so busy with their own lives. When I'm with my friends, I try to have a good time, laugh, talk and I try to forget the things that so heavily weigh on my mind at times. I think this is what often keeps me sane.

Regarding advice on the board and SH, I think that sometimes people just try to give the best advice that they can. Many of us are under tremendous emotional stress and try to help and understand just as much as we possibly can. While I find SH's ideas generally great and extremely helpful, unfortunately it does not apply or work for everyone here. Sometimes it helps to just get a different opinion/idea. It's really up to the individual to sort out what works best for him/her.

Now regarding other people's spouses... I used to get really upset too when I heard some of my girlfriends talk about their pet peeves that they had with their men and I used to think that at least they do not have to deal with an EA or an A in their marriage, but you know everybody's relationship is different and sometimes reconciliation is not easy either. We never know unless we walk in that person's shoes. Just because someone's spouse is at home, doesn't mean that their life is good. Recovery is extremely had and painful and sometimes the hurt of the betrayal just is too great to overcome.

I have often thought about you and how extremely difficult it must be to be so far away from your husband and I have often wondered if maybe it would have been helpful to your situation if you could have lived closer to him or maybe moved back into the home. I know that you have a good job where you live now and that this is something that you cannot give up this easily, but I also think that this have made it much harder for you to deal with this. When my husband was in the military, he was often deployed and when we were apart for many months even a year at a time, I often found that it took a lot of work to grow back together. People do grow apart when they are apart for long periods of time. I would miss him at first, but then after six months or so, I would actually get used to him being gone and I would start developing my own life and routine. Getting back together after time apart often took some time to get used to.

I sometimes get the feeling that you are scared or reluctant to call him and I'm not sure if this is something that you had arranged or discussed with SH, but I do feel that communication is important and that maybe it would help if you contact your husband more often to let him know that you are thinking of him.

I guess I'm just rambling on, but I do want you to know that people here do care. It does get overwhelming sometimes and it feels that life always throws us a rock when we least expect it. We are all trying to continue on as best as we can.

Please take care of yourself.

Kati

roughroad, I'm glad you responded to hw's post because I was also wondering about you.

I am sorry that things are so difficult for you right now. I know that by my posts that it seems that my M is in a better place than yours right now, but I'm not sure that's true. I think it's a lot of wishful thinking on my part, to be totally honest. And I am also in a new place where I have 0 friends..count that...0. I am also trying to do the things that will enable me to meet others and trying to reach out but it is most definitely not an easy thing to do and so far it's not working..lol. My posts here are largely ignored except by you and one or two others so this morning I decided to really limit what I post here. It's just far too depressing to finally reach out in a place of "reaching out" and that not working either. I'll respond to other's posts when I feel like I have something to offer (because it helps me to help others), but I think that for now I'll just deal with my stuff on my own. ((hugs)) didn't mean to depress you more, just wanted to let you know that someone understands. Please take care of yourself--like heroswife, I have been worried.

Maddy, Rough, Kati -

Are we not peas in a pod?!?!?! I feel the same way Maddy and Rough mentioned about not getting many responses on my posts but I do understand that my situation is better then most...I'm in recovery but trying to get over the pain of the wrongs that have been done.

Now I can relate to being in a new place with no friends. Kati your a veteran military wife so you should be good at this. When we were stationed here I jumped in head first. I made a friend within a few weeks of moving here and we are very close right now. I met her at a social outing at the FOW's house...imagine that! Anyway, I joined a gym and have made many friends there as well. My DD plays softball so I made a ton of friends with the other parents. I joined a softball team...and made some great friends there.

I would totally suggest activities to get you involved. Maybe even a book club at your local bookstore. There's a group of people that meet here to play checkers once a week. They are young and always appear to be having fun. (I spend a lot of time in librarys and bookstores.) You might even branch out a little and join a running club...yes they have clubs for beginners...I couldn't run to the end of my driveway but I would love to join a a beginners running club.

Do you think any of this might be helpful? I'll offer other suggestions if you post some of your interests. I'm good at out of the box thinking.

Rough I'm sorry you are having such a terrible time. I am glad to hear from you though. I was getting very worried. Please bump up your other thread. I've checked for your updates often but haven't found any. I did go through a terrible pity party last week...maybe the week before. not sure if you read that thread but I did post a recant to my pity party where I announced that I would be giving up.

I know sometimes my emotions take over and I forget who and where I am. It's hard...no matter what stage your in...it's hard.

I think you are making the right move with keeping the gentleman at arm's length right now. You are in a vulnerable position and you need to watch out for yourself. Most people would just be happy for the attention and fall right into that...leaving no hope for your M at all. I'm very encouraged by your actions. You are such a strong woman and you have done so well throughout all of this. Please do not slip away from us. Please remain here and post to us and let's support each other.

Maybe we start our own thread to keep up with each other...I know maddyk said she didn't get many responses to her threads. Maybe we just keep one going for us? Doesn't have to be elaborate...just updates and support. I don't want you to feel alone or unwanted. You are wanted and you're not alone.

What do you think?

heroswife, those are some great suggestions.

I've joined a yoga class..lol..but there are only three people in it. But once I get beyond the beginner class, the class size is bigger. It's a start <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'll join a gym as soon as I've got a job. I've been dying to join one!

Also, I decided to look for a night job (still haven't got a day job yet). I've been applying at places where I'm likely to meet people. So far I've applied at Barnes & Nobles..next will be Borders. From there I'm going to look at more unique places like coffee houses. I want the 25-35 age range in a place that's not too too busy so the opportunity to be social is there. In the meantime I'll probably start hangin' at the bookstores' coffee shops once a week or so in the evenings. All this is hard because I'm not shy, but I'm not outgoing either. Most of the activities I like are solitary so I'm trying to branch out a bit.

Tomorrow is another day, right? Grin...right now I'm pretending my husband is on deployment or like...dead. lol..I know that sounds awful, but it helps. I'm proud of myself...I actually totally ignored an IM from him last night..even though it was a very nice IM. Need to create some mystery here!

Kati,
I did not at all think about what you suggested about other married women and how they might think of me (for lack of a better term). My church has a prayer list and every week my prayer for God's will for me and my H is on there. so i know people know i'm probably having problems and i'm sure their imaginations can run wild. i guess my point is why do their husband's even have to be involved? it would be more of me and the woman going out for coffee or a bunch or women getting together and doing something. i have been told though that when school is in that usually the women get together once a month so maybe this will happen. they had a outing last month but it was to a theater to see a musical and i just couldn't bear to go because that is what my H does (he acts and sings) and i just didn't want to be thinking about him the whole time. but your POV is very interesting and i didn't think about it that way, i certainly to consider myself single and didn't think others would either.

I have thought about people sensing my sadness and have tried to combat that by smiling and greeting people and volunteer to help w/things, etc. but maybe i should try harder.

as far as feeling lonely and getting out to do things. well, i guess all i can say is that i am in some real uncharted territory. I’ve never had a lot of friends, even when I was younger. It’s never been my strong point to get to know people and develop a relationship. For the last 11 years it’s just been my H although now looking back we weren’t that great of friends even. But while he was active duty I mostly hang out w/him and his friends. I was close to one girl at school but when we graduated that was it. Well when I came on active duty I did make some friends and keep in contact w/them but that’s just the thing we’ve all moved away from each other as a result of the military. I have one friend that lives about 4 hours away and she’s has invited me up and I actually emailed her and asked her if it would be okay if I came up next weekend but have yet to hear from her. I simply did not have very many friends in FL and the friends that I still have that are there are in the military so even if I went back, they will not be staying there forever. So it’s more than just going out and doing things, I’m trying to behave in ways I never have before (try to get to know people).

I live around the st. louis area. I live in Illinois but work in st. louis which is about 18 miles from where I live. For things to do is why I moved here, why I thought me and my H were coming here because of all the things to do and opportunities for the both of us. But I’m not the same person I was. Most people my age who do fun things seem to involve alcohol and that’s not something that I can partake of don’t feel like going dancing, playing pool, going to karoke, etc. is things that I feel I can do. It’s hard to explain. I’ve thought about classes etc. but that costs money and I simply don’t have it. I’m also extremely paranoid about being in a position that would enable me to be vulnerable and cause problems for someone else. So where does that leave me? Almost all the people at work are older w/kids and live in Missouri, whereas I live in Illinois. Even though it’s not a big distance it’s still enough to make a difference. There’s a guy at work who if I wanted to go out and do something like a movie, I could in a heartbeat w/no strings attached, etc. we started at the VA the same day and have similar backgrounds eat lunch together (w/other people too), etc. but I just don’t think it’s appropriate for me to do things w/him. There is a girl at work who usually eats lunch w/us and I’ve got to know, she’s my age, married w/no kids and we get along pretty well, etc. so I could try harder to get to know her better and even suggest doing things together. Her H is a resident so is on call a lot. I did have an article published earlier this year about a passion of mine-forensic nursing. I had started another article but when dday happened, etc. I just put it on the back burner but maybe it’s now time to start working on it again.

My friend that I was living w/is just not someone I feel real comfortable around anymore. I mean we weren’t that close to begin with but she married her OM a couple of months ago and well it’s just a very awkward situation and I just view things differently now. I just don’t see my outside relationships and activities really changing a whole lot until things are more certain w/my H. that’s really okay w/me because I still need to work on me.

As far as advice on the board and regarding other people spouses as you said. Well I guess that’s kind of my point. Is that I know people are just trying to offer different POC and suggestions. Heck that has helped me too. But I just find it frustrating reading other people tell people to do things in a manner that if they don’t do it then they are an idiot so I’d rather just not read them. I can only imagine the work the recovery and reconciliation is going to take and is probably why I don’t even think about it, it’s just too immense. I basically taking the stance of crossing that bridge when it comes. When I hear people talk about their spouses and things that annoy them, well, the way I feel is more of a reflection of myself versus whether or not their life is good or not. Yes, my initial reaction is that they should be thankful if that’s the only thing that annoys them. But the truth is they probably don’t even realize things about their marriage. THAT’S THE WAY I WAS!! I just didn’t know!!! It’s probably more sad for me to hear about some “mundane” things because of the way I was in our marriage and not letting my H be the H he wanted to be, highlighting his faults rather then helping to lift him up. I can’t really see me ever getting over the way I was in our M until either my H comes back or I’m in a new R.

When you talk about communication and being so far away from my H is when I just have to reiterate of the way I was in our M. I was very controlling and domineering and I feel that if I were to move back to our house then that’s exactly what it would be viewed as. Something that RR is going to do no matter how it makes H feel, etc. that’s actually only 50% of the reason why I’m not going to move back. There is nothing there for me. No job, no family, no ties, etc. I don’t like the area that we were in. we were only there because I was stationed there and so my whole action while I was there were actions that would make it easier to leave, etc. I cannot quit my job. I do have a very very good job. I make almost 60K a year, I still work as a nurse, even though I’m not involved w/any patient care, and it’s with the government. We have entirely too many bills for me to quit this job w/out an adequate replacement. The job market in florida is simply not there for nurses (to be paid what I’m making) and that’s one of the reasons why I’m not working there in the first place.

I am scared to talk to my H. but the fact is that I call him a lot but he never answers the phone. I’ve even tried to use a calling card and different phones so that maybe he would answer the phone because he wouldn’t think it was me and I think this worked a few times but I think he caught on. So how can I talk to someone who won’t talk to me or answer the phone? As far as what I’ve talked to SH about contact, it’s more of keeping all the lines of communication open (that’s why I didn’t take the computer when I was in florida last) and continually initiating contact whether it be by phone, email, mail, messages, etc. however, I will talk about this more w/SH and maybe I should stop saying why I’m calling on my messages and just ask my H to call me back. The last time I did that though it was 3 days before he called me back and it was only after I had left another message.

So that’s about it, I know that you are just trying to be supportive, help, offer different POV, etc. and I really truly hope that you know I appreciate it. just wish we could do this in person! Other people to offer different opinions and POV like you said. I never thought about the women at church the way you suggested and it makes a lot of sense now. I’m basically trying to re-invent myself and it just takes time but I think I have come a long way but know it will take time to really have these changes become permanent. I am lonely for personal companionship w/my husband and w/women but I really am truly doing all right. I’m very blessed in what I have and even for what’s going on in my life and again that’s kind of why I don’t post much because there is just so much hurt and crisis and don’t feel like I can help but maybe that’s why I should.

Thanks again kati for taking the time to reply to me w/such a long post and pointing out a lot of things to me. You are a wonderful asset to this board and hope you will continue to pop in and out as you can. Continued prayer to you and yours for things that are going on in your own life, God Bless, RR

maddy and heroswife,
saw y'all's post and will reply to you both later. i have my annual exam appointment in about 20 minutes (it's actually convient because it's at the same place i work although this has it's drawbacks). can't wait to answer the question of how i'm practicing safe sex <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> but i will be glad to show that i've lost almost 50lbs since the last time i was there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

gotta go, i promise i will type more later and bump up posts, etc. lots of luv to you both as well as kati, RR

well just came back from my annual exam. boy that was fun. i told my doctor that i didn't want what we talked about to be put into the record because i work here and i review records myself. she understood and didn't put most of what we talked about in the record. she also prescribed me some meds to maybe help me sleep. however, she also said that i needed to leave my H and not be w/someone who doesn't respect me and who cheats on me that i'm still young and beautiful and deserve to be w/someone who will treat me right. well she was mostly right but of course doesn't understand the nature of A's and really me (this is only my 2nd visit w/her) but i know she means well. we will see how the new rx goes for helping sleep when i need it.......

Maddy,
thanks for replying as well. things are difficult but at the same time they aren't either, at least not compared to some. maybe that's why i'm distancing myself from the forums and the pain because somehow it will affect me. i don't know but i do realize that things could be worse, still may get that way, and some of the situations here are really bad and i feel very badly for those people but don't want them to take me as only giving them pity, you know what i mean?

you didn't depress me more, i'm glad if i was one of the people that posted to you because i did feel that i could offer support and/or encouragment for your situation. when i read a post of yours in the future i will be sure to at least pop in and let you know that i've read it. there just isn't a lot we can do, we certainly can't control our H's if that were the case we wouldn't be here in the first place.

sounds like you are doing a lot of things to reach out yourself. i have thought about going to a book store and just reading, drink coffee, etc. but when i go by myself i almost feel like a leppar and can't help think about what other people think about me seeing that i'm there all by myself. i think the same thing when i go to movies by myself, etc. i go to a gym and even though it's a women only gym i still don't feel comfortable w/striking up conversations w/people. does that make sense? i've always been kind of solitary, like you it would seem but i am trying to come out of my shell. like you, i'm not necessarily shy but not real outgoing either. it's easier for me for people to approach me then the other way around. but i could try harder.

i'm proud of you! ignoring the IM, i've ignored some of my H's call too (well that's was a few months ago anyway, now he just doesn't call) becuase i had the same idea, why not let him worry or wonder about me for a change. sounds like you've got a good grasp at things already and are doing what is needed only if it's just taking one day at a time. keep up the good work, hope your mom is doing okay, and continued prayers to you, RR

heroswife,
thanks for starting this for me and for your concern, it is very sweet and thoughtful of you. i will do better at posting on your threads to let you know i've read them. i almost always read all of your posts but don't always reply.

maybe i'm just having a hard time relating to people right now and because of that i'm sending out some signals. it's hard for me to be around young girls (17-25yrs) because i kind of feel like i'm competing in a way. i know that probably sounds silly but seriously. but there is a girl from my church who is young and single, i don't know how old she is. she's at boot camp right now for the army guard or reserve. i only saw her before she left (i hadn't been a member for very long). anyway, she asked people from the church to write her while she was at basic training. so i have a few times and she says she can't wait to meet me. she'll be back the first weekend in september. so maybe that's a friendship that can develop further. as far as i know her family isn't really supportive of her as far as church so the church has kind of adopted her in a way.

as far as finding activities, i'm just not sure where to start. i've never done anything like this before. but i will try harder. the beginners running club is a good idea but again i don't know where to start since i'm not from this area and really don't know what's out there. after reading the replies this morning on this thread it did make me think of something i could do. i actually started to start a group meeting for a forensic nursing association that i belong to. there's no active chapters in this area. i even emailed a few of the members in the area to find out if they would be interested. then dday came.........and i kind of let those things go by the wayside. so maybe it's time to start that ball rolling again.

i know you are going through a lot and hope that you don't ever think i down play the difficulty that you are anyone else is going through w/recovery. i guess like i said before i just don't know what to say. i don't even really think about it in my own situation because i don't think i'm anywhere near that and i just rather not spend so much time in thinking or worrying about something that may never happen. like i said before, it's more of the cross that bridge when it comes. we all get in these "funks" at least that's what i call them or pity parties like you said. i felt the heartache in your posts and wanted to say more then i did when you were having your "rough" spot but just didn't know what else to say. i was having a "rough" time myself because of the last conversation i had w/my H but I think I'm past that now. took a couple of weeks but i know that i'm being taken care of. i talked to my mom earlier today and she may come up the 27th for a couple of days. either i'm going to go to my parents over labor day or she's going to come up here. so that's something to look forward to as well.

you are such a sweetie w/thinking about me during the rough times you are experiencing yourself. i hope you don't feel abandoned here and that we are all pulling for you and are praying you through. let us know more about the upcoming move and plans. also if you have been able to get into counseling yet.

i wish we all had transporters and could beam into each other's area and visit and support each other. but this is the only avenue we have right now and i'll take all i can get. continued prayers to you, RR

PS i'll still bump up my threads for you, there's 3 of them.

<small>[ August 18, 2004, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

Rough -

You are a doll! I like hearing from you. Please do not feel bad for not posting on my threads...most are just rambling on non-issues anyway. I get lots of responses but find myself still in a rut. C is in progress. I have an appt next week with a doc in this area. I'm going to request my perscription be renewed and ask for C's in this area. My company offers an Employee Assistance Program and I've contacted them as well. I'll get 5 free visits. Hopefully I can work those in before we move. Cross your fingers.

I wish we lived closer together. I have clients on the west coast and travel there often. I don't think I could ever go to Il anytime soon. I was able to meet WAT on a trip I took to DC. I can't tell you how wonderful that was.

It would be nice to meet the others from this board.

So you handled your medical review very well. Do you feel a little better?

I hope that you do form a bond with the girl from your church. You can be a good mentor for her as she moves up in the Army. I'll pray for that. I too have a friend in boot camp right now. He was one of our best friends from high school. My H joined the army with his brother and we have maintained a very close relationship with him all these years. His faith is strong and he has always encouraged my H and I to walk that path with him. I write him letters and so does my H. There's a chance we will be stationed at the same base soon. That will be wonderful. It'll be like a built in friend for my H. Someone he can talk to and someone who would not lead him astray and strengthen his faith in Christ.

God sends big gifts in little packages. Maybe our friends in boot camp are a gift to us. I certianly hope so.

Sending you my love and hugs. Hope you have a wonderful day.

Rough - you around?

yes, i'm here and again we seem to be on the same brain wave because i was going to post to you today. i've got a lot going on. this is the latest email reply i received from H.

"I have just payed your cell phone bill so I will have to call Cingular and have
the address changed and the paperwork to switch over to you sent. As far as the
car insurance I will call USAA and see about getting the vehicles split so that
I can recieve the bill for the Intrepid. As far as the other bills, I have begun
the divorce process and feel it is imperative that we can come to an agreement
on who will pay what bill individually.I want to be as fair as possible, but we
need to look at each bill individually and who will end up with which one. Also
you mentioned you are paying life insurance for me. I pay for my own life
insurance so you can remove me from that also. It could help you out. I hope we
can remain amicable and come to a decision we are both agreeable on. Thank You, WH"


i will probably just reply with "okay" i don't feel like there is anything else i can say at this point. but i do have a session w/SH this afternoon and talk about this w/him. i don't ever reply to my H right away because i need time to calm down and make sure what i say is really what i should say. he seems to think that i'm being unfair about asking him to pay for half of the debt that we have together (i.e. that has both are names on it) this in no way includes all the debt we have. his last email said he would be willing to take the 2 credit cards and that i could do the loan. well the 2 credit card bills equal to $160 a month and the loan payment was $402. so my proposal was to add all the payments and split it in half and the above was the reply he gave me.

after i talk to SH this afternoon and come up w/a reply to send to H i will send all the emails to my lawyer which he said to do. i'm not going to threaten my H w/my lawyer but i'm not going to just walk away either. he has made some choices and i have continually taken on all the responsibility for the bills because i was trying to be nice and not create any more waves then already was happening. i honestly just don't think he has a grasp of the financial debt situation. my lawyer even said that it sounded like a bankruptcy type situation. well honestly, i don't think that's the right thing to do and it would also be letting my H get off almost scott free. my goal is for H to be responsible for the loan which is over $16,000. then i would take everything else (which is a lot). i'm pretty much going to be firm about that for as long as i can.

made a few phone calls about some new places to live. not a lot out there that meets my criteria. having 2 dogs makes my choices almost zero. but i still have a few months to keep looking and who knows maybe the house will be sold by then and i could afford more. i'm doing okay though, going to go to a movie tomorrow and i'm looking forward to it. it's kind of my area (forensics), it's probably way over dramatized like CSI but i'm sure it's still entertaining plus i get to get nachos w/lots of jalapenos!

so how are YOU doing? what time frame are you looking at for moving? wish you would take me up on my offer to email me. i gotta go, prayers to you, RR

RR,

I think it is only correct that you insist and be firm about the splitting of the bills. The bills never seemed to have bothered your WH before when you were accumulating them. It has just NOW become inconvenient because he wants to move on with his life and he's got OW and God only knows what he's promised her... Be firm and look out for YOUR best interest only.

You mentioned that he said in his email that he started the divorce process. Have you received anything in the mail? If he does start it, does he have to borrow money from OW/her parents to get going? This may be a reason why he is acting hardball on the bills that you two have. Do NOT give in to him!

I'm glad that you have a good lawyer. If your WH is over his limit and HE has to file bancruptcy, then so be it. He brought this upon himself and he will have to live with the consequences, not you. Also make sure that the lawyer knows about your living situation with the dogs etc. This may also help work in your favor. You are trying to keep things together.

Good luck and keep us posted! I'm praying for you.

Kati

Kati, I haven't received anything yet and i will definitely let you guys know when that happens. i almost had thought that he was going to wait until the house was sold and then use that money to pay for the divorce but that's something i'm going to insist on as well is that the proceeds of the house go towards the marital debt. last i checked which was just last month on the credit card that is in my H's name only, he still had probaably $1500 left on it and i'm sure he could use that to pay for the filing. but like i've said before, i wouldn't put it pass the OW or even the IL's to give him the money to do this. now whether he try and act like a man and not take it, i don't know anymore.

the only thing i would say about what h thought about accumulating them is that neither one of us was good w/money but i honestly feel that the majority of the debt was racked up by me. i mean i could even go so far as to insist he help w/my school loans. at least that's what my lawyer says because it was something that was accrued after we were married. i have like 3 credit cards that are in my name only and they have been racked up due to sessions w/SH, all the trips that i've had to go on, as well as just a way to be able to live because of all the bills that i've paid. i don't even think he should have to pay on those but for the 2 credit cards and the loan i think it is very fair and reasonable that he should take these debts.

i'm not going to give into him per se but i don't feel like doing things via email is the way to handle things and that's the only way he's given me to communicate. i feel like D will happen soon enough and once that happens then i will just use my lawyer and mediation to hammer everything out.

i've already started bringing things together to spell out what bills we have, what the payments are, what the balances are and what names are on the accounts. i'll forward this to my lawyer w/all the emails. i told my lawyer that i have the dogs, etc. and he said if they are a problem then just adopt them out. i said that is not an option. but anyway, depending on how things pan out over the next few weeks will determine what i do. if the house is sold before the d is filed or final i will be having my lawyer prepare whatever is needed to keep my h from taking the proceeds and using it for whatever. all of it has to go to the bills. i really don't want to be threatening only because i'm trying to maintain my own self-respect, follow my words with actions. it's certainly not because i'm afraid of what H will do although i don't want to hurry things a long. like SH's says i may not be able to stop things but i certainly can refrain from helping things along.

thanks for your thoughts and prayers and the same to YOU! RR

Rough -

I think you are doing the right thing to not reply asap. Give yourself some time before you respond. I like that idea.

So why are you looking for a new place? Do you have to move or do you just not like the place you are living now.

I would love to have your email address. You'll have to post it and remove it once I've written it down so the rest of the world doesn't start emailing you.

What do you think?

heroswife, my email is chewey75@hotmail.com i'm not worried about it being on the forums anymore. although i am about to leave for the day and won't have access to the computer over the weekend.

no i like the place where i'm living but my landlord came over last week and told me he wouldn't be able to renew my lease which ends on 12/26/04. he's having some very serious personal problems and needs the place for himself. i just don't want to wait until the last minute to find a place. i would like to be in another place before thanksgiving. i don't think it will be a problem w/getting out of my lease early. so i've basically got a good 3months to find a place. there are just such few options out there for what i can afford, that will take 2 dogs. but i don't have to move out tomorrow. it kind of figures that i just had address labels made, checks printed, not to mention all the start up fees that i paid <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

oh well, i just got off the phone w/SH and i'll post that separately in my sessions w/SH thread. but basically he said that i really need to be careful about talking about financial things (aside from the house) w/my h at this point.

i gotta go, but hope to have a heroswife email waiting for me monday morning <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> have a good weekend, prayers to you, RR

RR, it feels like this time is a real turning point in your story, doesn't it?

You're in my thoughts this weekend. Enjoy it.

GC

right back at you GC, i wish i wasn't so short on $$ or i would go ahead and have my L start paperwork on a marital agreement. but if my H's L does it, i don't want to waste my money especially because i'll probably have to use more $$ to try and get the bills divided the way i think they should be and not what my H in his totally fog brained self-serving mode thinks is "fair."

Roughroad -

I'm out of town this week. I just saw your post. I'll email you from work tomorrow morning. I thought about you this weekend. I hope all is well.

Heroswife