<small>[ September 25, 2004, 11:40 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

pemberley -

Welcome to MB. You'll find a lot of good information on this site.

I don't think you'll find anything normal in regards to an A.

Often times, the OW or OM are not very attractive (sadly enough). You will have to find out what EN's the OW is meeting to make your H attracted to her.

My H had several A's. None of the OW's are attractive. The last one has big bulgy eyes, huge crooked nose and brown teeth. H said "she's not attractive when you look at her". I asked H - well then, what made her attractive? How can you even kiss someone with brown teeth? H said "she was nice to me, told me I was smart, told me I was handsome, told me I made her hot". That's what made the OW attractive.

Chances are the OW is meeting some ENs of your H...possibly admiration or conversation. I found out through all of this that my H needs a lot of admiration or he'll pick up the first dog that is nice to him. My bad!

Take care.

sss

<small>[ August 17, 2004, 01:13 PM: Message edited by: stillsosad ]</small>

Pemberley, I don't have any stats to back me up, but my case is the same as yours. I am a military man, over 6' tall, fairly fit with a great deal of responsibility and influence at work and respect among those who know me. Again, like you, not trying to brag but women don't find me unattractive.

My WW is seeing a man that is different ethnically than we are, 41 yrs old, high school education, works as a security guard, never married, and from what I can see, more than a little rough around the edges with no ambition other than to take my wife (and children) and "make her happy for the rest of her life." Sounds too much like a fairy tale, but right now she is still buying it.

All I can tell you is what everybody else has been telling me. Don't get dragged down by your WH assessment of you. That is not who you truly are. It's not always easy to believe it, but get a support network of family and friends around you who will pick you up when your WH tries to take a chunk out of your esteem.

Zoomie

<small>[ August 17, 2004, 01:34 PM: Message edited by: Zoomie63 ]</small>

I'm beginning to see that physical appearance seems to have little to do with what leads to an A. My h told me that the OW is really "nothing special" to look at, etc. BUT he said she provided him with great companionship and was really listend to him. I definately was not meeting his EN in that area. I was way off target in that area <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

As far as getting more proof, I'm not a good person to ask, my H told me about the A the first time I asked <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

pemberley -

I'm an FWW, but I have wondered about this subject myself. FOM was the opposite of my H. My H is intelligent, successful, handsome, etc. When I "came to my senses," I was astonished at my choice of A partner, and kept trying to figure it out.

Stillwed is right. I don't think you'll find anything normal in regard to an A, and there may be as many different reasons for choices of A partners as there are A's, but finally, I think I hit on maybe at least a small part of the reason I picked someone so different from my H.

I am jealous of my H's success and have always felt inferior to him. Being with FOM gave me the chance to feel like I was with someone I thought I was "better" than. I realize that is sick and pathetic, but I really think there is something to it. Anyway, at least it's food for thought.

God bless,

Rose55

<small>[ August 17, 2004, 03:16 PM: Message edited by: Rose55 ]</small>

My WW has sad that OM is " the exact opposite of me"

Thats true, He is short, old, blonde, fat, poor and obsessed by his sport.

Staggering. to me anyway. If OM was in any way an improvement over me I could understand the A, but this creep is a joke. He would be on his knees thanking his luck were it not for the fact that he is dodging crockery since my exposure right now....

I am not threatened by him, thats a good thing for my future !

I am more handsome, better built, funnier, smarter, younger, taller and more successful than he is.

If only he hadn't stolen my beloved wife I would gloat .... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Pemberly:

I'm so glad you posted. I haven't seen you on here for a day or so, and I was concerned (due to your H's anger management problem).

As far as the OW looking opposite...I've heard that many, many times. Are you 100% sure you've got the right pic of the OW?

I think you're smart to wait until you have irrefutable proof before you expose to your H -- tho he may try to deny it anyway <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

Have you decided how you're going to tell him you know? If you feel the least bit unsafe, PLEASE make sure you have someone with you -- or immediately nearby (like, right outside the door).

Keep posting and hang in there. You've gotten good advice on your threads. I know this is so hard, but you're stronger than you realize.

Lori

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 11:41 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

I'm interested to know what website you used that provided a picture with an address? Would you mind sharing that information?

Nothing much has ever been made in the literature about the effect that the appearance of the OP has on the BS...beyond a fairly widespread opinion that the OP is rarely more attractive than the BS, and the sex usually not as good.

Why has so little been written about it, I wonder? The 'movies' that run in the BS' mind after d-day inevitably involve the OP (no matter how ruthlessly these movies are suppressed). And, embarrassing though it is to admit it, if I had to imagine physical proximity between a Bulgarian shotputter and, say, Halle Berry...I know which is less flesh-crawling.

My H had many OWs. The only one whose appearance I've had a chance to study is the 'soulmate' OW - the one he could hardly bear to give up. She's considerably older than him - and looks it - white, shapeless hair with a prison-warder short fringe, no make-up, terrible unsexy clothes and quite flat-chested. For a man so dependent on visuals, I cannot begin to imagine how he 'got it up' for such a granny. And unfortunately I DO begin to imagine it at times in bed. It's my conviction that he could only perform for her by imagining other women and other situations. Which makes me wonder if he does that with ME too. (He told me that it was exciting with her only at the beginning, when he met her in motels and could imagine she was a prostitute. Lol...a prostitute? She'd be penniless.)

I can only conclude that the power of fake flattery is immense with the eager-to-be-fake-flattered.

But I still wish that he hadn't picked a woman who looked so horribly like a man in drag.

TA

<small>[ August 17, 2004, 04:06 PM: Message edited by: TogetherAlone ]</small>

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 11:42 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

This is so common,,,,, I still think about OM and how lucky he was to have a woman as beautiful as my wife.
I think with long drawn out affairs it is very common that appearance plays little or no role in the attraction. WS's are lured by words, common thinking, and assurance from OP. It is widely known that most men focus on physical aspects while Women lean toward the emotional aspect. Does this mean that a man would never be attracted to a women of low appearance?
I know I feel great when someone makes me feel good, even if it is an unattractive person. If i receive a compliment on my physical appearance from another woman it makes me feel good. No matter what I think of her appearance... it is still a compliment that raises your confidence.
Most WS especially WW will admit the OP made them feel good about themselves with words, and actions.
It is a good possibility this is happening with your Hubby.
You stated you would understand if this Woman was attractive. I used to think this way as well. The truth is I would never understand the attraction because it is adultery no matter what.
I actually thank god that OM was the opposite of me if he was me and then some I would probably have been replaced. The fact is noone can be the same as another, we are unique in so many ways, and it is in this ability to be unique that we are attracted and also attractive to each other.

Do not dwell on physical aspects of an affair the truth is they are very seldom the motivator of the initial attraction.
To try to make sense ,,, or ask why and what a WS sees in the OP ,,,,,, that is a question me and "my wife" still can not find a comforting answer to... and we probably never will.
Not everything in the world is physical. The things that truly traumatize us most in life are emotional!
JMT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by eric. n:
<strong>Do not dwell on physical aspects of an affair the truth is they are very seldom the motivator of the initial attraction.
To try to make sense ,,, or ask why and what a WS sees in the OP ,,,,,, that is a question me and "my wife" still can not find a comforting answer to... and we probably never will.
Not everything in the world is physical. The things that truly traumatize us most in life are emotional!
JMT </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good post, Eric. The reality is that what the WS "sees" in the OP is really an internal thing and has very little to do with the actual OP themselves. Trust me, Autumn will know this herself someday. Please say hi for me.

One of the hardest things to reconcile for a defogged WS is the "What was I thinking"? question, which becomes all the MORE puzzling when the OP was unattractive, unemployed or any other number of negatives.

Pemberley, I wouldn't think so much about the woman's appearance (shockingly awful as it may be but oh well, hooray for you!) Most likely the relationship has an element of attraction that you won't find out about until your H is confronted and the affair brought to the light of day. You'll just have to wait and see.

When you do know, you can deal with it. Until then, hang tight, be the best YOU, you can be b/c it's your best weapon. Plan A, make sure you are very familiar with it and WORK it all the way up to and through confrontation. Plan A yourself for that matter....no LBs , no DJs for you FROM you, OK? Best, KB

Pemberley, I just read over your other threads (should done that first, duh) and realized that while I may have answered your question, in reality appearance is not really your problem. Your H is "playing" at sex online and off with three women, possibly all of whom are OLDER women. (I'm basing this on his question to one of the OW's and wonder if it is the same one you ran down on the Internet.) Some men just have this particular bent and that's something that needs to be looked into but that's HIS problem NOT yours!!. My advice to Plan A yourself goes double after reading your history. Be good to yourself!

Your H is a sex addict and because you are the submissive in the marriage, it will be difficult and very, very possibly dangerous for you to expose your knowledge without doing it in a public or semi public place or without having someone else involved. He will not take lightly to having his "fun" interrupted.

I know you went out this morning to check on him and the one married OW so I'm worried about you, please post an update as soon as you can, OK? KB