Well, my problem is probably more common than not. I am so struggling with my self-esteem, which has always been low anyway, feeling safe with my FWH, and letting go of all this unfamiliar anger. Let me be honest, I believe that my H's affair is over but he still works with her and it kills me everyday for him to be there.

My self-esteem issue: I am not bad looking (5'5", 115, blond hair, blue eyes), I have never let myself go, and I'm a nice person. Why do I feel like I have failed in some way? The OW is a nice looking person, but not BEAUTIFUL and we are physically very close in size. She is obviously not a nice person though so why do I feel like the failure? She is the one who failed as a wife, as a co-worker, as a mother, and as a decent person in general. I'm not perfect, but I've always tried to make my H happy and if anything I gave much more than I ever received from him. I definitely had far more invested in the marriage than he did - although I have faults as well.

Emotional Safety: Although my H is open about things currently going on, there are still many unanswered questions surrounding his relationship with this person. For example, he claims they never said "I love you" to each other or talked about starting over together, but a letter written by him to her says different. Also, the cell phone records point out many inconsistencies in his version of events. I don't want details, but something closer to the truth would be nice. Not knowing the truth simply makes me insecure about everything and I don't feel safe sharing anything with him right now.

The other side to that is he still has no explanation for his behaviour and seems totally unwilling to figure it out. He says that he cannot explain it, but it wasn't sexual and it wasn't love. He claims the sex wasn't that great, which I'm sure is a lie based on what I see here and he himself says that she is NOT a nice person at all. So why? Why did it take so long to end?

Anger: I feel such intense anger about this whole thing and I've never dealt with this type of anger before and it bothers me to have such thoughts - mostly directed toward the OW. I guess it is easy to direct my anger towards her because I don't live with her, but I honestly hate for one of the first times in my life. I'm also angry at the length of time this occured - nearly two years. How could anyone do that to someone they say they love and promised to protect? I mean I didn't realize that marriage meant until something better comes along - really isn't that what our WS is saying? (a little vent there)

Now, believe it or not I love my H, but I'm finding it very difficult to cope with all of these emotions without LBing at times. Nothing major, but I have made disrespectful judgements at times under extreme emotional stress. There are times when I seriously want to pack up the kids and move away from all of this because I cannot even deal with being in the same area as her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> How do I relay my hurt and anger without hurting him though - he is the cause of all of this, but I do want to protect him if I can. I have no one to really talk to and holding it in is seriously damaging my ability to recover.

We are in MC and are trying to put US back together, but I really need to work this pain and anger out of my system. I'm so confused. Ideas???

<small>[ August 17, 2004, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: SpouseGuess ]</small>

Keep up with the marriage counseling. I would even bring up in a session the fact that your H doesn't seem to want to admit to doing something wrong.
I've very new to this site but THAT was a biggie for me...I wanted him to say clearly "I was wrong to hurt you." Seems like a little thing in writing, though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

About the anger, I think really time is the best answer, but I'm no expert. I'm still in the "just found out stage" and it seems like the anger bursts up from nowhere at times. And, yes, I do feel it towards the OW. My h said he doesn't understand that, that he was the one who broke his vow...but there it is, anger at her.

Keep working in MC and best of luck to you!

SG,

I think your feelings are pretty normal considering the second d-day was only this past April. It took a full year for me and most folks I know to get real closure and not be haunted by these things. However, you have one obstacle that I didn't....and it must certainly be making this worse....he works with her. What I don't understand is "why?" Are you enthusiastic about his working with her? If not...why aren't you defending that boundary? As far as the truth....it's going to get harder and harder to get it as time goes on. Even now, he probably sees your questions as evidence that you cannot forgive him. He doesn't understand how difficult it is to forgive something that is still a nebulous and confusing for you. I'm going to post a letter to you that appeared in Dear Peggy. It may help you communicate to him why you need to know. hugs!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Joseph's Letter.

"To Whomever:

I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Berg95 - Thanks for the encouragement:) Not to confuse the issue further, but my H does tell me how horribly wrong it was and how sorry he is. That is not my problem with him. My problem is that I only have a small outline of the whole story - I believe he thinks he is protecting me. What he is really doing is causing more distrust on my part.

Star*fish - He is the breadwinner and unfortunately there are few companies in the area that would fit his skill set without taking a major pay cut. I am currently looking for a full-time job to maybe offset that, but honestly I hate to see him give this job up because he loves it (mostly). I realize he took the risk, but the other side of that is we have children who would also suffer the "consequences" of this. We have talked about moving, but all of our family is here or near here and we have a pre-teen who does not adapt well to change or make friends easily. Being shy myself, I really am having a tough time deliberately doing that to him. I feel that the time is approaching that it may come down to his job or his family, but I am trying to stick it out for now. Maybe that is stupid of me, but I cannot handle too many emotional crisis right now as it is.

Also, thanks for the letter. I have read it before and thought of giving it to him. Maybe now is the time to do that.

Hi SG,

I know exactly how you feel it's been a month since I found out my H had an EA with a co-worker (we all work at the same place). I work days and they work nights. They have had NC for about a month, my H was very resistant to the NC. He was home for 11 days (mini-vacation). He went back to work yesterday, I had such anxiety and couldn't get to sleep. Then to make matters worse, he was late coming in from work. He had to go out of town for 2 days and was staying late to get his work in order before he left - but he didn't answer his desk phone or his cell phone. I was crazy and besides myself. He said he was "catching up" with his boss and since he'll be gone again he wanted to know what he'll be coming back to on Thursday.

He's not gotten any email from her at home. I check it religously. I think he may be getting email at work - only a feeling (I haven't asked him yet. I'm afraid to ask - what if he says "yes" or what if he gets mad?)

I feel more confused about all these feelings then before EA was found out. I feel all these emotions and they switch from like second to second.

I have not met the OW. I have not talk to OW. I've heard she is blond, short and extremely petite (fairly attractive). (I've seen her younger sister - don't know if they look alike or not - she was okay). My friend said I was much better looking - I don't exactly feel that way (inside or out).

I too am finding out more of the "details" and there are so many questions that are not answered.

I'm sorry I couldn't offer you any advice. I guess I just wanted you to know I can relate to everything you're saying .... I really don't know where to place all these emotions either.

(Anybody got any advice!!!)

Brown

<small>[ August 17, 2004, 03:36 PM: Message edited by: brown ]</small>

Brown - I used to worry about making my H mad when we were in the initial discovery phase. He denied, denied, denied until I doubted my own sanity. If I were you, don't worry about upsetting him and asking him if he is in contact - if he is truly serious about being over it then he will tell you. If he is in contact and is not being honest it will get back to you at some point. Have faith - it is something I'm working on too.

SG,

I thank you for the advice ..... I know what you mean about the "sanity" part. I know I should (and will) ask him. I just feel so ucky when I think of him going to work and seeing her (or not). I have taken every chance to walk down by where he works and make my "presence known" - 2 fold 1) to distill rumors and stand united with my H (her sister works there too, I figure she'll tell I've been there) and 2) my own reassurance. Our shifts kind of overlap around 3:30 pm (though she's not there until like 6:00 pm). He has seemed so happy to me and is most "inviting" to me. I feel so crazy!!!! And insecure!!!! And like I'm 16 years old again!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I just wish this part was over - well, honestly I wish it never happened in the first place <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

But, I will take your advice to heart ... thanks

B

Hi SG,

Self Esteem: This is one of the first things to go out the window when you first learn of an A... It took me a bit over two years to really get my self esteem back to where I no longer felt that I was "competing" with any of my W's OM. For us, my self esteem started coming back when my W would compliment me, and tell me that she loved me, and that she wanted me... It didn't happen over night, as I had to see that her words were consistent with her actions first before I started believing her.

Emotional Safety: I don't know how you regain this while your H continues to work with the OW. Fortunately for us, we moved back to the states and never saw any of the OM again... I think that part of the key to solving this problem is telling your H exactly how you feel... Let him know that you still don't feel safe while he works with the OW. You need to be very honest with him about your feelings... and not worry about "hurting" him. His actions placed your M in this position, and you both should look for a solution to repair the damage.

Anger: If you haven't read the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder, you really need to get a copy and read it with your H.... It's so important for the WS to see the BS's anger... This is a process that you must deal with so you can move past it. If you never deal with your anger, it will more than likely surface again later on in your M.

I completely understand the feelings that you've described, and they seem completely "normal" to me... at least from my own experiences.

Rebuilding your M is very hard, but as long as both of you are willing to do the work, you can rebuild your M...

Semper Fi,
RIF90