Well my son is 6 days old today and I am doing great. Quite a bit has happened. I allowed my WH to be at the birth and he stayed with me for the two days in the hospital. It got to him because he saw what he would be missing. He immediately decided he would dump OW. He moved his stuff out of her place yesterday. He told me he wanted to give 100 percent to our marriage and family. He said all of the right things. Today is another day and the withdrawl has set in. I think the one of the only reasons he is here is that he wants to be with his son everyday.
I am sooo sick of his crap. One day he is committed to me the next he is unsure and missing OW. I guess that is par for the course but dealing with an infant is enough right now. I want to give him an ultimatium but don't know if I should.
Veterans what do you think? Currently he comes over all day and is with us. He is very emotional which bothers me. He states he just doesn't know about his decision and doesn't want to hurt me again. HELP!

First of all,

Congrats on the baby! I hope everything is well and you are having a good time.....

And while probably not the "sage advice" you're seeking, I'll offer.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Currently he comes over all day and is with us. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does this mean he is "somewhere" else? This time should be baby first. If he is in withdrawal, that is one thing. If he is waffling back and forth between you and OW, than that is the time for Plan B. You don't need the stress of him going back and forth. If he's in, get in. If he's out, get out.

But that's my $.02....

Congrats!

Ethan

Congrats, durham! I suspected your absence from the forum meant your son had arrived.

I suggest that you politely excuse your husband from further interaction with you and the baby until he meets the conditions of your Plan B letter. Period. No more waffling - he's done enough of that. Tell him you want to see a no contact letter the next time you see his face - no exceptions!

You've given him a taste of what might be if he only follows the conditions.

Be firm.

WAT

I cannot think of anything "nice" to say about your H right now... so I will only say

****CONGRATULATIONS on your BABY BOY****

Take care of yourself... and your baby.

Let H fend for himself.

Do not worry about your H right now... focus on your baby.

Pep

Durhum, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! it's always such a joy when a baby enters the world. i am glad you are all healthy.

wonderful news about your H too. i'm sure others will post soon but i would have to think it is time for you to Plan A like crazy. your H has done what you stated needed to be done for him to come home and for plan B to end. he has dumped her. Did he tell her NC ever?? this is very important. was a note official sent? is he actually living back at home with you? if either answer is a no, get to work, get that note sent out as a couple and then get him moved back home where he belongs. (veterns, am i right about this??)

as for the withdrawals, like it or not, i think it's going to happen, you can either get upset about it which may push him away or you can help him through it. seems to me like the best plan is to just love him, be thrilled he is back home and enjoy that new baby together!! give him a calm loving place to land.

durham,

I see the situation you describe all the time....we call it a false recovery, because no guidelines are in place to help with withdrawal or rebuild the marriage. "he says all the right things" and the BS just opens the door. There is no recovery plan in place. Until he "DOES" all the right things (actions, not words) he isn't ready. Without it, the chances of making it through to recovery are very slim. Do NOT give him an ultimatim...they are threats and pointless. Do tell him that you think he is not ready to come home....and that the two of you need to work through reccvery issues before he moves in permanently. Those would include:

*A no contact letter to the OW.

*A period of MC....six months minimum.

*Extra ordinary precautions to avoid his former lover....which will include accountability for time and money....or even a job change or geographical change...whatever is needed.

I would not deal with a fogged, withdrawing spouse and a newborn simultaneously. One baby is enough right now. Tell him to come back when he's really ready.

Congratulations!!! I'm so glad mom and baby are healthy....I've worried about you!

<small>[ August 17, 2004, 03:10 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

everybody sing....

Before you go to sleep
Say a little prayer
Every day in every way
It's getting better and better

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy


baby boys are the sweetest things...and I mean THE
SWEETEST things on earth...

welcome to this fantastic world little one!!!!!!!!

durham...

you are so strong....
be proud of what you have accomplished....
rest and take care of you.....

no chaos at all in little ones and your world..
no longer any room for that crap...

babies create their own chaos...that's all you need now....
tell hubby one at a time please......

ARK

Contratulations Durham!!!

For once I agree with everyone else. Let him go though withdrawels elsewhere. Let him get his act together and then comeback...slowly.

This is a happy time for you, let him get his therapy and "live" his therapy before he can share in your life as a couple.

He needs some consequences and you need some peace now to enjoy this wondrous time.

You've got the power now girl, use it to your advantage.

Weaver

durham - Congratulations on your baby. Hmmm. If WH is being helpful, I think I would let him stay for awhile. It will drive the OW nuts. But see what he says to a no contact letter too.

Durham, congradulations! Even I was not on here for too often, I othink of you and your baby all the time. Take care. With lots of love to you and your baby.

Durham,

Congratulations on your new son!! 6 days old already?? My God where does the time go? I am so happy for you and that all went well.

BUT...

You have NO TIME for a wishy-washy H that can't DECIDE!!

DECIDE between his son and his son's mother and ....WHAT??? Dare I say, a convenient piece of a$$,...while the mother of his son is recovering??

He is a CAKE EATER!! Or rather he is CAKE EATING!!

Show him the door and don't let him back in! How can he even come to see you spouting that crap?

I don't see a backbone in the boy.

He rehearses his dialogue to you on the way over FROM HER PLACE! Maybe with her coaching.

Sorry, but I am livid. but then WDIK (what do I know)
k

Congrats on your "new baby!".... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You ONLY get these days once in your life, don't let your WH spoil them.

Yes he wants to be with baby, who wouldn't!?? Baby's are God's gift to us. What LIFE is all about!!

I also would not let him go back and forth. It is absolutely NOT fair to you or your feelings. He is a weak individual in my opinion.

I personally would tell him, Go have fun! Go be with the OW and then I would go black.

Of course, that is just MHO. I have a tendency to push things...sometimes too much so! But this is no "game"....you have a nb baby to care for, that and also a "new mommy"! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Let him go play house with OW while your home with REAL LIFE the one you both created together.......your new infant son. Your H will realize very quickly what he is missing. And if he doesn't? Well....I have a thought about that too. WHO NEEDS it?? (harsh isnt it on the screen?)

Does OW have kids? If she does? Tell him go take care of someone else's kid, you will take care of his!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Take all my comments with a grain of salt. I am like others here.....very angry at your H right now. We are WOMEN hear us ROAR!!!!!grrrrrrrrrr

Blessings,
Atruheart

Dear Durham,

Congratulations on your new addition!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You haven't provided any statistics other than his gender. Ok mom, give up the details:

Height:
Wieight:

Color eyes:

Color hair?!??!?!? :

Looks like mom/dad, etc.????

Hands like: ?????
Feet like: ????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

WH has initiated a NC agreement and as far as I know she understands. He has told her he wants to give a 100% to our marriage.
He told me today that he wants to spend the next few weeks giving it his all and seeing if he can find it. I guess he means love for me. He said if he doesn't find it we will go our separate ways and he will not string me along anymore.
I guess I will plan A for the next few weeks.
What does he mean by find it? Can he? Ideas for plan A while taking care of an infant. I don't really have much energy but want my marriage and family to work. THANKS!

Peyton---August 11---7 11---21 1/2 inches---11:40am---brown hair---blue eyes---BEAUTIFUL

So far, all you've gotten from him are words.

You should require actions, or no deal.

Ask him to write a NC letter which you will approve and mail.

Ask for complete accountability and cell phone, e-mail, etc. access.

Anything less and you should not agree.

WAT

Originally posted by durham76:
WH has initiated a NC agreement and as far as I know she understands. He has told her he wants to give a 100% to our marriage.

You know what he says he told her. You do not know what he told her. What OW understands is probably this...

"I need to help my wife out with the new baby Peyton for a few weeks. Then we can be together once things get settled down."

Durham ... he's playing you. I will bet MONEY he has not stopped contact. Has he handed his cell phone over to you?

Pep

Durham,

I really have to agree with Pepper, he is not acting like someone who has made a decision. You should not be put in a position where you have to convince him it will work. It is cruel and unfair for him to come back and say he will give it a go for a few weeks, to see.

When I went through this with my daughter her father would come over to visit her and help a little and then go back to his single life and girlfriend. I was so happy with being a mom, I could have hardly cared about him, but I liked to see him when he came by, and loved the way he was with baby.

It took about three months of this before he asked to come back and be a family again. He was sure, but by then I was happy without him so said no.

Your husband is doing it bassackword. Do not settle for this, it is too quick, too wishy washy, and too unfair to you.

Weaver

Weaver,

So you think I should send him out and go back to my visitation schedule. I am really getting tired of the ball being in his court. The only thing is I don't want to give an ultimatium as I know that is bad. What is the best way to do this. I want him to know I care but am sick of the fence sitting. I can tell that he is not fully committed to working this out and that he is not sure it will work out. How can you give it 100 percent if you doubt it will work.
My big question is can love be restored after it is lost? He has said over and over he jus wants to find it. That it was natural with OW. I don't know if you can find love? What do you think?

durham the best way to do this is with a Plan B letter that states how much you love him, but how much this hurts. Then you end contact with him and he can arrange visitation through an intermediary.

Good luck chere <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Durham,

This is honestly what I think -

Yes the love is still there, but he is very confused. He is caught up in the fog still, but as he sees you in a differant light he will remember what he loved about you when you first married, the feelings will come rushing back. He can not see you in this light, nor will you be in this light with your own feelings if he is fence sitting.

Tell him you are uncomfortable with him being around so much because you are unsure of your feelings, and only want happiness in your home right now. Ask him to honor the visitation you both agreed on originally, or maybe modify it a little so he can come over more.

When he comes over, be your self...the happy and blissful new mom that you are. Play with him and baby a bit. Try to find the friendship you once had with him.

What I am afraid of is if you let him come back in the half-assed way that he is now, you will become very stressed and unhappy, focused on what is going on in his head. You can not let that happen. It will ruin this beautiful time for you, and you will never regain your own love for him.

Don't let him come back to you as a husband until he has clearly shown his love and commentment to YOU.

It will happen, give it time. I am just afraid you won't want him back, after you have allowed yourself to be happy without him.

<small>[ August 18, 2004, 06:28 PM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>