I have a unique question. We all talk about discovery and I assume that means when the spouse found out about affair. I had my suspicion the same week my wife started talking and meeting the OM. I let it go on because I was trusting her (maybe naively? now that I know the strong emotional pull) to figure out what she needed. She even moved out to "sort things out" (again I was naive, to think she actually would sort). My question is this. Should my wife's affair be outed at her workplace or social friends?? (I think her fantasy is still way underground) Hardly anyone else knows about her affair with OM. Only one coworker knows the about the OM. The OM is known by all her coworkers (6 others), but they have kept it a secret. They know my wife is separated at this time due to marital problems. No friends of wife know xcept for her best friend she has confided in. Her best friend is 3000 miles away and they talk often and best friend has expressed disapproval of affair, but we know that can only do so much. Her family knows of her feelings about OM but not of actual affair activities. I have slipped out that I suspect (know) of her activities to her family and a couple of her out of state friends. I know its probably LB, but my pain has wanted me to share with them. So should not reality hit her earlier if OUTED?

I wouldn't be the instigator of telling everyone. I thought it may have driven a bigger wedge between us. When your friends and family don't know, it's easier for them to return to the marriage (my opinion anyway).<P>SHA

Hi Izzy -<P>This is a very difficult question to try to get an answer to!!!<P>I went a long time with suspicious and nasty behavior from my H for a long time He stopped being with our (or his) friends when he became a cop. This is when the women came into the picture also. This was all gradual and I was at times torn with this very same thing.<P>On the one hand - MAYBE, just maybe someone could help to get through to them........On the other hand - if she discovers that you are "telling" on her to people it could do irreperable harm. <P>Also depends on who you tell or who ends up knowing through the people you personally tell it to. <P>I chose not to let on to our families...I did not want any ill feelings or uncomfortableness at holidays or get togethers.<P>As far as friends, I really didn't say too much.....a subtle comment here and there. It was very obvious to all that my H was changing and not for the better!! He was informing people without knowing it just by his behavior.<P>Now that it's known - when he moved out I told family and also informed H that I was going to do so.....he didn't even tell his own family until after I said I was going there on a certain day to talk to them.<P>When friends called - I would tell them short and sweet the gyst of the situation. <P>Like I said though - it was after he moved out!!<P>Only you know your particular circumstance....I did not feel that I had someone who could actually help H with what he was doing and going through. Perhaps you feel that you do.<P>Whatever you decide, make sure you have considered all the angles and fallout before you do anything.<P>Good Luck, I know how nervewracking it can be to figure all this stuff out.<P>Keep the "fantasy" aspect of infidelity in mind also when you weigh your options. You don't want her to embarassed when she wants to try to rebuild - could be an inhibitor. You are supposed to keep yourself and home a "safe" place for her to want to come back to.....won't happen easily if you start painful judgements being put upon her through any actions you endeavor. Know matter your good intentions of hoping for help for her.<P>Hugs and Strength to you,<P>Sheba

Izzy, most people aren't idiots. When you separate, a lot of people will assume there is someone else and if you make it clear that there is no one else for you and you want your wife back, they will assign the "someone else" to her. My H has moved out 5 times. I HAD NO IDEA THERE WAS ANYONE ELSE THE FIRST TIME, but sooo many people (including my pastor and my H is on congregational council), when I simply said, "my H moved out" replied "who is she?"<P>You don't have to do anything but indicate you unqualifiedly (?word) want your marriage to work. Anything else, unless to very close friends, is a lovebuster.

That is a really tough one.<BR>My H's affair went downhill very fast after he got drunk and told the world.<BR>It became reality.<BR>I kept it secret however. <BR>I don't know what advice to give. If I had it to do over again, I probably would have told people he was with his mistress when they asked where he was. <BR>I say that because I know what effect the reality thing had on him. Everyone is different. <BR>Some people might see it as an escape from the lies - making the way clear for them. You are the only one that can make that decision.

Upon discovery of my H's affair, I did tell my family and his family. I felt that if we were to divorce, I wanted people to know the reason why and not think that I was the one who abandoned our marriage.<P>I didn't want to make excuses for his behavior. He was the one responsible for his actions and I didn't want to be the "enabler."<P>When his mother found out, she immediately had a heart-to-heart talk with him. Upon exposure and family's knowledge, my H had his wake-up call and realized how wrong the affair was. He also realized just how many people he hurt and how the entire thing was stupid, senseless and not worth losing/risking everything.<P>His affair ended upon exposure (back in Feb. '99) and we began restoration of our marriage 1 day later.<P>I know that every couple's situation is unique. But in my case, it helped that others knew, acknowledged and confronted.

I wish My W would aanswer that but be is asleep and she is SO beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thanks for the feedback everyone, I really don't think anyone can 'help' her or talk her out of her fantasy. I know that she has to make decisions for on her own and figure this out on her own. I just wanted to know if more of her immediate coworkers and the people she sees in reality were aware of it, if reality would hit her harder. As of now, she goes to work with only guilt about affair but not about anyone else knowing. She is still keeping it a secret and I feel she is acting like she is dating this person. She won't bring OM up to anyone or discuss him or even try to go out in social circles as of yet. I know she may feel like it's just dating (since she feels separated, not married, she is probably justifying the dating part, ...not sure how she justifies the sexual part though), but I call it an affair since I still feel married and basically in limbo.

Hi izzy - <P>As soon as I found out, I immediately contacted every member of my family and ALSO every member of her family. ALL were shocked. I did this to gain support for me as I was quickly spiraling down into the deep, dark pit of despair. Every member of her family basically condemned her actions...perhaps this is what drove her into the arms (and home) of the OM. So far, not 1 member of her family has been in contact with her in over 2 months.

When I discovered my H affair it was my daughter(23Yrs) that pushed me to confront him as she all redy suspected it. He told his parents because he was afraid I would. It didn't help they are on my side. Our son (age 21) I told but he knew something was going on. They people at his work knew before I did. They had been caught but I didn't know. I told my best friend the day I found out, we work together I walked in to her classroom before school and started crying, told her everything, also told my principal he was a good friend also. I was an emotional wreck he sent me home. I told my sister and then my parents only because I thought he was leaving. Now he is with the OW he doesn't introduce her to anyone. But they have been seen together. The other friends only found out after he moved out and I resigned my teaching postion and was moving out of town. Did it help? That was two months ago and he is sstill living with HER. I don't think anything really helps till their eyes are open to the difference in living with the OP and the fantasy world they thought it would be like with them all the time. I don't know if this will help.<P>------------------<BR>di