Believer - I am sorry to hear he cancelled on you, although the cynic in me is not surprised.
I have had similar experiences with WS. Decide what is that you really want to acheive? That's what is really important here. When you know that, then chart your course accordingly.
My thoughts and prayers are with you as you have been such a great help to me over the last few months. Don't give up and don't let him dictate the terms to you...

You are right Ark. I don't want him back. But what is the differance if I make the mediation appointment, or he does?

However I did leave a message for him tonight on his cell phone. I told him that the ball was in his court - does he want to spend all of our money on lawyers, or go to mediation? I told him that I wanted an answer this week.

believer,

This was why I asked you on your other thread on this topic: "why are you still dealing with this man in Non-binding mediation"?

I asked this before this most recent cancellation.....because it seemed obvious to me the games he is continuing to play.

Its too bad but the only way your ever going to nail this "jello" man down is to get a lawyer and go to court.
Yes, it costs more and is more confrontational.

However, you've tried to be patient and reasonable. Tried it....not working at all.
Mediation ONLY Works when BOTH parities are first communicating and then also willing to be flexible. He is doing neither.

There is NO dealing Logically with the "logically challenged". sad but true
You've been more then "fair" in dealing with WH.
Its now time to start being FAIR with yourself.

Hoping you get an end to this madness in the near future.
Take care

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Sorry guys.....its my Nemesis...the dreaded "flood protection" again! AARRGGHHH!!

<small>[ August 18, 2004, 09:05 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

Ok guys, am moving on. I told WH that I needed to hear from him this week about mediation.

He did not call me back. So I decided to just file for D. I have the papers in with the attorney, and just have to pick them up.

Called WH today, and told him that I am done, done, done. I have heard from sis-in-law that WH and OW are buying their own little love nest. I did not tell WH this, but told him I am done.

He does not want to get a divorce. He still wants to talk about solutions. Tomorrow he is coming over to talk about all this.

Believer,

I don't understand how he can being buying a house with OW, when he is still married to you and apparently not wanting to divorce. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I just don't get it. Do you?

I came to this website 4 months ago hoping to gain understanding into why at 45 I have never even made it to the alter. Now I don't think I ever want to.

How can you stand this craziness, Believer. You are such a cool, caring lady. And I am at a loss as to what could possibly being going on that guy's head.

I must be missing something, if he is living with someone else, (won't admit to it or not) why does he want to remain married?

Well this is your deal, so don't feel the need to enlighten me...you got enough on your plate.

Signed,
Totally puzzled

weaver - Can't explain his actions, except that he is deeply in the fog. He denies living with OW, but always has. Now they are buying a place together. Go figure.

Anyway, I have let him know that I am completely done.

Believer....

just read my *new* sig line....

Pep

Pep - HaHa! That is me. Here is the newest. I talked to WH today and he said he will come over tomorrow and will sign an agreement.

My sis (who is an attorney) thinks I should go see a shrink. She can't believe that I still think WH might be telling the truth. She says "Here we go again!".

But I have promised her that if there is no agreement signed tomorrow that I will file for D on Monday. I already have the papers, just have to file.

So wish me luck, and if tomorrow turns out to be the 100th disappointment, I will FINALLY do it.

believer,

You know what took me FOR-E-VER to finally see and recognize? My exH talked and behaved exactly like your WH, and I could never figure out why a guy would SAY he wanted to be married yet have 13 affairs and be abusive to the one he wanted to be married to. That made NO SENSE to me!!

I finally figured it out. He wanted to stay married because he had something that was working for him. He had his OW (Plural) for ego-stroking, admiration, physical attraction and hot monkey love--and he had me for this public image (pillar of the community, etc.), his business partner, his housekeeper and maid and laundromat, his in-home childcare, and sex on-demand whenever he couldn't find it elsewhere! Furthermore, I knew him well enough that he knew how to push my buttons and then use me to blame for his choices and responsibilities! I was one way that he coped with his own illnesses and addictions!!

Now, I don't mean this mean, but looking at it from that point of view, why WOULD he want to divorce??? He had everything he wanted!!

Frankly, believer, I think your WH is in a boat similar to my exH. Somewhere in his head he knows that having a mistress and a wife is incongruent--but he has everything he wants!! You do all the work in the M, provide financially, cook and clean and look after things--and she doesn't challenge him, tells him he's great, and supports him in blaming you for his own lack of character and his own choices.

WHY WOULD HE WANT TO DIVORCE????


CJ

P.S. When you look at it that way, don't you feel a bit angry? I sure did. I was angry at myself that I allowed myself to be lowered to that position and be treated that way.

I just don't know believer...

are you going to meet with him??
should you meet with him...

how bout a letter for him tacked to the door..

with his words...back to him...

Believer -

I have to cancel the mediation appointment I made. I just can't deal with it right now. I'm not going to take anything from you, and I'm not going to move in on you.

I realize why you got a roommate, you needed the money.

I don't want a divorce and if you do, then maybe you can start the mediation procedure. I'm sorry for all of this indecision, all I want is a roof over my head and a place I can think some things through. I am truly sorry for all of this.

With Love,
Mr. Believer


Dear Mr. Believer,

After re-reading this note I decided there really is no need for you and I to meet today.

with regards,

Ms. Believer...

I just don't know...I have NO NONE ZIPPO experience with divorce proceedings....but even this letter is babble and disrepect and a lie...

"I'm not going to take anything from you... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> yeah right...
little late....

dear mr believer..
I am unfortunately unable at this time to believe ANYTHING you say. For protection I am left with the only option at this time to note that all you speak is untrue.

Therefor there really is no reason for us to meet....

ms. believer...truthslayer

I don't know
don't know...
don't know...

what could be the point of meeting...

hmmmm
how's the fishing going to be today...
infact..if he's going to meet..if he's serious...why not somewhere public...
a park
or coffee shop..

I don't know...

ARK

I cant accept believer that your WH is such a jerk right now, or has been for 19 months. To give up someone who must have a heart like Farlap, the inner strength that I cant even compare it to anything I know, he must also be STUPID.

of course the evil me - sorry WW woke up hating me this morning - would LET them buy their love nest together, then claim part of it in the DV settlement, make them sell it, but as I said I'm the evil me right now.
I must be because apparently I am to blame for everything, you know, original sin, the flood, her football team loosing, the milk going off, heheh just going to go & stoke the fires for all those souls I've stolen today!!

But back to the serious matter, get the agreement, in your favour, get him to sign it and then let him disappear into a dark alley.

You are worth so much more than this man has given you. I mean I am really so amazed he has not realised what he has had. Because, one day when you ARE READY, if you are not snapped up like the rare gem you are then I give up on my own male race entirely!

But regardless, I truly hope you are able to have what you really want what ever it is.

well...
did he show????

ark

Thanks aussie. I'm trying to stay calm. I usually am a very kind person, and very cheerful. However all of his lying has run down my goodwill toward him.

Ark - He is going to be here at 1:00PM Pacific time, in another hour. I am going to meet with him. Why I don't know. My sis says I need to have my head examined.

But in California, if you have not filed for D, any money your spouse spends is presumed to be agreeable to both partners. My sister says that he could claim the other place as separate property, and still get half of marital assets.

Well everyone. WH did show, but what a waste of time. He still insists that we should go to marriage counseling. He says he wants to be married.

He continues to say he is not living with OW. What a bunch of crap!

So nothing was solved. Tomorrow I am filing for divorce.

Believer:
Do you still love WS? If so, why not give counseling a shot? You can always file for divorce.

Believer - If this is what you feel you need to do then I wish you the best. You have been a constant source of support and encouragement for a lot of us here and we want to give that back to you.

How do you feel about this decision?

panne - I am so done with him. He is still lying, and deceiving. He makes me sick. He is so into being deceiptful. I can't take it anymore.

Kloe - I'm done, done, done.

well believer...


you have traveled far still dragging him around in the wagon a bit...

gotten stronger...
time to lay your burden down if you feel it is.......and be done...

rest well
ARK

Good morning all. Today I launch the big one. It is completely impossible to reason with this person who is inhabiting my WH's body.

Here is some of his thinking. Although OW has been with HW and has her things in his bedroom, she spent Saturday night at her husband's house. So my WH says she is now living with her husband, and will never live with him.

Sorry - couldn't hold it anymore. I burst out laughing and spewed wine all over my new clothes. And I know I shouldn't have been having wine during this conversation, but I popped the cork in the first hour, when I asked him if there was ANYTHING that we could agree on, and he said no.

We bought a van 10 years ago and paid $25,000. WH says that now I have $25,000. Of the marital assets. When I showed him the bluebook value of $3,100. he claimed I'm trying to cheat him.

The whole conversation turned in to all the things I was trying to take from him.

So anyway, filing today, and then going to go get my head examined. I'm crazier than he is, trying to reason with him.