Kiwi]-I wish my wife could talk to you!!! She is getting ready to throw away 28 years of marriage for her high school bf. They have been having an affair for the last 5 years and he is her "soulmate". I have exposed the A to all. He lives halfway across the country so for the last 3 months there has been no physical contact but phone calls and emails almost every day. Our youngest son leaves for college friday(8/20) and I am ready to push for a separation. In fact I have the papers ready but she is stalling. I have known about this affair for the past 3 months and I am ready to go to plan b. Since my situation sounds very similar to yours-do you have any advice? I think she needs to move halfway across the country and let him meet all her needs. She has angered and isolated herself from her grown children(28,25&18) and her sisters(3). If she moves she will be all alone with only him for support. I tired of the chaos and the phone calls and her lack of committment to our marriage. Give me some sage advice.

My UNconventional opinion:

Long term A's must be dealt with differently in my opinion....

Fastest way to end the affair after 5 years?

Pack her bags for her and buy her an airline ticket... kiss her deeply with tongue at the airport and wish her well ... then make cruise reservations for yourself and your grown kids and take a family vacation.

Her affair will pale by comparrison to the family fun she is missing out on. And her lips will burn with that last passionate kiss.

A bold move by you is the only way for her to realize a radical change is required by her.

Pep

Pep-thanks for the advice. I do plan on going on vacation to see my adult children as soon as the paper work is done. She is stalling but I am gonna push after friday(son leaves for college). What else do I need to do?

What else do you need to do?

Behave in a manner befitting a good and faithful husband.

Set her free with no angry words.

Tell her

"I had wished you would love me enough to stay faithfully married until death do us part. That was my dream. That was my vow to you. My dream has been denied by your desires to go outside our marriage. And for that I grieve my great loss of your love. Dear wife, I set you free to persue your desires outside our marriage vows."

Then follow up by loving actions as you get her ready to go.

And then you go on with your head held high. The rest is up to her. Make her choose. Knock her off the fence with bold decisive actions.

Pep

And you tell her...

"You must leave me and allow me to grieve my loss. Please go. Your reluctant presence in our marriage hurts too much."

Pep

Pep-there hasn't been any angry words in the last couple of months since I have been trying to plan A. i have been doing a pretty good job of it too. I even took her camping and canoeing 2 weeks ago in the mountains and she loved it. I will kiss her passioantely when she leaves and give her a plan b letter. But first I must get her to sign the separation agreement. It is just sitting waiting on her. How can I push without love busting?

I must get her to sign the separation agreement. It is just sitting waiting on her. How can I push without love busting?

Enlist her goodness.... appeal to her generosity... ask for her help.

"It is important for my well-being that you sign this agreement so I can go on with my life and begin grieving my loss. Please sign. It will help me so much for you to cooperate and set me free as you persue your desires to be free of the bonds of marriage."

Pep

Thanks Pep-I will appeal to her after Friday. Till then I will just let things stand. Thanks for the advice. i am ready for this chaos to end in my life. I told my wife that OM was not going to be a part of my life and if that meant she wasn't a part then so be it. The A is not over-the phone calls and the emails continue.

HINC,

I think you have been given great advice by Pep. Go with it. I suspect things will change rapidly once she leaves and it may not be as she envisioned.

I think it is a great idea to go see the kids once she leaves. Make sure you have a good time with them, and take lots of pictures. Oh! and send your S a care package a month or so after college starts. Somehow a freshman dorm room just isn't right without some ants crawling around looking for the food stash. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God Bless,

JL

Pep and JL-thanks for the support. I am very grateful for on line friends like you guys. I am gonna make sure I see all my kids in Septemeber after she leaves. Let them know Dad is still around and doing OK. Let them know that their home is still there and they can come whenever they please. I guess I need to harden my heart a little because I worry about her. She is so foolish with this. My IC says to use my head not my heart and I'm trying to do that. I think I am ready for her to leave. I think.

Hopeful, I nearly missed this then saw you've had JL and Pep talking to you. Gee, what can I add when the big guns are helping you out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Old flame affairs are tricky. In "Not Just Friends" Shirley Glass says they burn very bright which I didn't like hearing at all but when it comes down to it they're just another A.

I think they're tricky because when you meet again you already have a history and it's a history that was during a golden time in your life - the teen years. It's a very heady mix and reality soon flies out the door. My reality is my H and our 27 year marriage (30 years on Monday) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

OM and I weren't the same people we were back then and we'd have been total idiots to even try to pretend we were. We gave it a good shot though. (at being total idiots I mean) I used to hear warning bells over and over again that OM wasn't all he seemed to be and that he wasn't the teenage boy I remembered, but I chose to ignore them because I was in a total fog.

I think your w will have to find this out for herself.

Jen

<small>[ August 18, 2004, 03:31 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

Jen ... my HS boyfriend (we dated for 14 years!!!) has been emailing me of late. This began when my Mom died in March, he sent condolences... and then he kept emailing me little tid bits about his life.. and I do not care! And I don't think his wife would be too happy either. So, what I have been doing is sending old BF's emails to my husband, and I ask my H ... "do you want to answer this coz I am going to ignore his questions".

So far, this has worked out for me. We have both ignored the emails hoping he'll get tired and go away.

I have some hesitency to block him from my list because I owe his Mom a large debt of gratitude. She gave me a very valuable painting she did of my parents years ago, and I am usually only able to contact her (the artist mom of old BF) through him... Her generosity was huge, and the painting is awesome. It's a very large airbrush portrait which was used in her show. I hate to cut off contact with her.

What is your opinion?

Pep (small thread hijack)

Pep, I would NEVER, NEVER, NEVER get into any sort of contact with an old b/f no matter what the reason and no matter how close you were to the family. It's so insidious and I wonder what your take on it would have been if you hadn't been affected by infidelity yourself. My father treated the OM as a son because OM's own father had left the family for an OW (the irony, the irony) and never spoke to his mother again, and the children only after 3 years.

I think the proliferation of Classmates/Old Friends Reunited etc sites is opening up a huge can of worms for so many people now and the fall out will take a lot of cleaning up. Although, of course I met the OM again at a funeral for an old friend. I thought it was all so "Big Chill". God, I was an idiot.

Jen

Thanks Jen ... you are SO correct.

PLUS I don't trust this guy one single bit. He was a snake back then and is probably a snake today.

Pep

KIwi, Pep and JL-i have know that she is planning to leave and of course there is nothing I can do about it. I think she will find that living with her old flame will not be like the weekend getaways she had with him. She has indicated to me that they have "issues". I don't think it will last but I could be wrong. In the menatime I plan to take some time and be with my adult children and go to Plan B. I have written the letter and am just waiting for the day she leaves. First comes the legal separation agreemnt. She says she is leaving me with everything. So she is going to OM with basically nothing. How sad.

Hopeful how lucky your wife is to have a husband as caring as you, who even would forgive her after an affair...I hope one day I find someone who won't cheat on me and cares about me that much..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She gave me a very valuable painting she did of my parents years ago, and I am usually only able to contact her (the artist mom of old BF) through him... Her generosity was huge, and the painting is awesome. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can testify, the painting is awesome.

And it is even more special now!

So, no, I wouldn't block him or eliminate all contact because of his Mom. Besides, there is no danger of a spark there for you.

Had a wonderful converstaion with my wife just a while ago where she said I was mean to her for 28 years. That is why she had the affair. I told her that in 28 years I never cheated. It ended up with a couple of F*** you's. What a way to spend your life.

Well were you?

If not, don't worry about it, it is just her justifying the unjustifyable. I think the pressure is rising and you being nice is really getting to her. Get her to sign and leave and do it as Pep suggested.

God Bless,

JL

Every couple has there ups and downs. I wasn't mean to her for 28 years. Mean if you mean bringing home a paycheck very 2 weeks and providing for her and the kids was mean then I guess I was mean. We had our fights every couple does but no I wasn't mean to her. She is just feeling the pressure. Young son leaves Friday and she knows that I want her leave after that. She is having doubts and trying in every way to blame me. I am not having any part of it. She said that she loses everything. My comment was "you choose it". I guess I am mean.