<small>[ September 25, 2004, 11:34 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

Hi pemberley!

Can you quickly hire a PI to follow him today? Or have a friend (with a car he may not recognize) follow him?

It may be hard to do this yourself for many reasons. The main one is that you will be very emotional about this considering what you are trying to 'catch' him doing.

I'm not sure why you feel you need more evidence. It would appear to me that you have plenty of information from the spyware to confront your H.

Take care and good luck with this today.

sss

pemberly,

I'm not sure why you think you need more information. If you need to use spyware in the future, your marriage is probably over anyway. Please begin the next steps of your plan A....confrontation and exposure. Your husband is a serial cheater...he has a problem...you know it. The print out of those conversations is enough proof. If he gets mad about you protecting yourself by investigating his activities...so what? He is having cybersex with these women on line...but has taken the next step and met some of them in person...and you can bet sex is involved. This smells like sexual addiction and your health is at risk.

pemberly,
i would have someone else take pics or i would make sure they didnt see you. document eveything. i mean everything. gather more info for future.you may need more if it goes to court than just him outside her house.find out what you can about her. is she married? work? be careful please

pemberley,

It sure does sound like your H is playing a very dangerous game.

He is cheating on you with THREE different women. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> They might not be aware that he is married...and probably don't know about each other.

I think that you should take care of that little problem. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


Make copies of ALL the conversations and disperse them accordingly. You can email them cause IM's usually include the email addy of the person at the top. If you know where the women live...slip it under their door.

No one even need know that it was you. What is he gonna do? Accuse you??? If he does that...he busts himself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Then, once it's off the fan...you can have a heart to heart with him.

JMHO
committed

committed,

I think these women do know...and are playing the same game. The one woman he was talking to wanted to call and he told her that his wife was in the next room. They are all just playing a nasty little game in cyberspace. What's really dangerous about her H's activities, is that he hunts out women who are close by so that he can hook up with them physcially. I would put this guy in Plan B so fast his head would spin. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 11:36 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

Then you do what you need to do chere....it doesn't seem silly at all. I'm not sure I'd be waiting for him when he comes home unless you are certain that you are safe. Please be careful.

Be careful pemberley!

Let us know how you are doing later today.

Take care.

sss

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by star*fish:
<strong> committed,

I think these women do know...and are playing the same game. The one woman he was talking to wanted to call and he told her that his wife was in the next room. They are all just playing a nasty little game in cyberspace. What's really dangerous about her H's activities, is that he hunts out women who are close by so that he can hook up with them physcially. I would put this guy in Plan B so fast his head would spin. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ohhhhhh.....that changes it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

That is the worst kind of danger...especially to pemberley.

I have to agree...Plan B!

committed

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 11:36 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

pemberley,

IMHO, I would tell him that he needs to leave.

Just please, please, please be careful!

Take care.

sss

Pemberly,

I'm so sorry for what you are having to go through. Your choice, to stay or leave, is so very tough.

I guess, all I can add is that why ask him to leave? He may choose to or he may not on his own one you confront or expose him. You can set your boundaries, convey them to him and let him squirm. Tell him what you want, to work on your M with him. But also, tell him that it is unacceptable for him to be running around with other women while married to you. Good luck. Our prayers will be with you.

God Bless!
RH

Dear Pemberley,

I would treat this situation like any other affair. The good thing is - your H is obviously NOT emotionally attached to a woman. The bad thing is - he is putting you at risk with STD's and he got hooked on easy sex.

You need to sit down with your H and talk this through. Just ask him "what is going here?" and present him with enough evidence so he'll not simply deny it. Don't expect a logical explanation. He's like a drug addict, there's a lot of adrenaline involved in cheating and meeting with strangers, it's sick in our eyes but it's a powerful drug to those who are hooked.

Your finding out might just jolt him back into reality and make him come clean. Or he'll go into denying.. blaming you.. whatever so as not to confront his own feelings of guilt.

You'll have to find out for yourself if you'll give him the chance to prove himself. Right now you cannot decide about that. He'll have to prove that he wants to work on the M and that he will learn to understand that such cheap thrills are not worth hurting the woman he loves for.

Don't expect too much. Not from yourself or from H. You'll both need time to get through this and you'll both need to be careful not to get into big fights over this where things will be said that will make recovery much harder.

I know you want to have some security now, like with the spyware. That's ok for now. You'll need to find out if he's for real or just trying to calm you down while he's continuing seeing other women. In that case.. yes, plan B is in order.

Right now I'd give him a chance to face the consequences of his deeds = your pain.

Good luck to you honey. Keep us posted.

If you want to find out the name of someone and you have their address many counties have internet access to tax records where you can get the names of the owner of a property - providing in this case the OW is an owner and not a renter.

Many county home pages have links to 'tax records' or someway to search addresses.

There are also 'HAINES DIRECTORIES' at most libraries where you can do a reverse address search.

I wonder if 'anywho.com' does that reverse address search?

Any evidence you present him with, will in all likelyhood, simply be denied, so geting more proof is not gonna do much except get you worked up.
So you tell him you read his chats/emails and eve talked with these women? He'll likely make up story.

Also, showing him the evidence, such as printed out conversations will simply force him to not use the computer.

Come back to the house, pack up my stuff for a week or two, take my dog
Why would you leave?

I'm just going to tell him there is a glitch in our ISP (which is true, this is how I became suspicious to start with), and I can view his internet history on my screenname (this is true) and sometimes even click on a link and see a IM conversation (this is not true, but with that glitch there, it could be). Tell him I saw these two conversations, investigated further.
Don't lie and don't insinuate that you found out stuff "accidentally" when you went out looking for it.

ok..I had this whole post, that actually, I was a little too proud of..so the powers that be took me down a notch and deleted the whole dratted thing [pants and huffs indignantly]..so here's the condensed version.

I am a little unclear [I have suspicions that I'd like to have more confirmation on before I air them] as to why you feel the need to make any explanation to him about anything? Why is it not acceptable to say "you and I both know what you have been doing..the question that remains is..what will I choose to do about it. " and refuse any further dialogue at this time? What will be lost by letting have some time to 1) cool off without being able to vent at you and 2) Set the terms under which you will permit him to approach you. Do you not see that you are literally handing him all of the cards and all of the power by continuing to play the game by on his terms and not your own?

All of this scheming and chasing him around seems to me very weak and chances are it will seem that way to him as well. If he makes a demand on you regarding where you got your information, and you passively comply...he just caught you in the misdirection trap. Do not fall for it. You have all of the info you need, you do not owe him an explanation, you do not have to subject yourself to any abuse. Please rethink this approach.

Clarification on my last post...

I looked back and realized you may interpret this as advice to throw your marriage away..this is not the case. It may be the outcome if these issues can not be resolved, but it is not my suggestion at this time. What I do strongly suggest, is that you draw your boundaries in concrete and enforce them. You will tolerate no demands, no abuse, no further disrespect. This is as much to protect whatever future you may have together as it is to protect your present. I suspect that enforcing your boundaries has been a life long area of weakness for you, as I recall that you are having trouble with your parents respecting your wishes as well in favor of taking action on their own, and you say that your husband has a history of verbal abuse [that is/was apparently going uncontested until this latest turn of events.] Pemberly, a marriage can not thrive without mutual respect and consideration..please do not hesitate to enforce this, it is not too much to ask, it is not an LB, it is simply necessary and will probably be very important in any possibility of recovery.

Pemberly,

I'm sorry, but, you've caught him. He's made sexual advances online, and tried to meet in person. According to 'everyone' an emotional affair and physical affair are equally damaging. At minimum, you have experienced one of those, and probably both. You really don't need any more evidence than you already have in front of you. In fact, I think if you read here, any more is probably gonna be very hurtful for you and to you...many people have terrible images stuck in their heads for years on end because they accidentally walked in on, or caught a glimpse of a video or image, I think they would all agree they would rather not have seen in personally. Just take it for what it is, you are in the worse spot of your marriage right now, and you have something you don't realize, for once, you have the power.

It may not feel like you are empowered, but, you are. The truth sets you free. You don't have to question and wonder any longer. You can make educated decisions from here on out, knowing what you know as fact.

I would confront him truthfully, even if in a phone call if necessary (if you are worried he is a violent person). Tell him you felt something was terribly wrong in your marriage, and you started paying attention to details of things you normally would have ignored. Those details incriminated him in betraying you and your marriage. At this point, you are very conflicted with everything, and want to figure out how you two can progress. Write up specific boundaries, things that have to happen, OR ELSE, if he says he wants to work on the marriage.

The hardest part, and I know what it is to confront it is to follow through on OR ELSE. Be sure and write down the boundaries, let the be no questioning what was actually said, make it crystal clear. Hang in there.

They always say follow your heart.I have been on both sides of the fence.And trust me my heart goes out to you.I had an A on my husband over a year ago with an ex.This has almost destroyed all who i love by this A.My H and i are still together and trying to repair the damage i,ve done,and trying to get my ex out of my life for good.I struggle with this everyday,But with gods help i will get past this i hope.My ex H had cheated on me many times it was horrific and so painful i thought i would die.He denied everything but in my heart i knew and i decided to be a detective and follow him and my worst fears were confirmed.Life is short enough and i wish this pain on nobody.do what your heart says to do that way you can go on with your life with or without him whatever you deceide.You don,t deserve to live this way nobody does.Good Luck