What is the benifit in the betrayed spouse talking to the wandering spouses other woman if the wandering spouse has already come clean to the betrayed spouse?

I wouldn't want to talk to the OP "if" my spouse came clean. You will gain nothing but more hurt having to hear it twice. Be glad your WS came clean (wish mine would) and move forward. Found out from your S what lead to this OP and how to fix your M from here on out...

Just my 2 cents...

I plan on confronting one of the OP only because my WH is still lying, denying, etc. Only one of them will be honest with me - the rest will tell me to blow away..

well dtel..

the truth is that right now all your wife knows for sure about you is that you are capable of inflicting through your direct actions great pain onto her...

so her confusion lies in the fact that even when you tell her things...how can she believe you...

how can she right now...
perhaps she can't...

what you must learn to see is that you affair affects so many levels..

the deceipt
the villification of the BS to the OP to justify the affair actions...

and the fact that you are being pressured by your OW as to what you told/tell your wife...

rock and a hard place for sure...

your wife's imagination is scarier to her than the truth...even though the truth hurts....
when you leave gaps
when you omit things.
when you continue to look her bold in the face lie...(cruelness on WS parts beyond comprehension)

her imagination will fill in the blanks....
scary thoughts

know that each continued contact with the OP is like a stab wound to your wife's back and heart...
that you may not be able to come through this with causing pain to someone.....

she has the right to the truth
she has the right to decide what she does with that information.

if you are truly being honest with her..
truly..

so I ask you now are you still in contact with the OP..for that will only set back and be destructive to recovery....

answer your wife's questions
hold her and comfort her

quit worrying about 'saving butt"...it's a little late for that route...

if you are doing all you can and all she asks her need to talk to the OP will fade..

if you are hiding
if you are still in contact and hiding that fact
if you believe that you can do without hurting people...people are already hurt..it is the nature of the beast itself....
then you are not doing the right thing....

it is in your hands though...

ARK

DTEL, glad you posted again. I was wondering what happened after you told your wife the OW called. You were honest, that's a good start. You are now asking what benefit there is in your wife talking to the OW.

IF you want to recover your marriage for real you have to stop the hiding and lying that comes from having an affair in the first place. I guess I'm wondering as Ark is where you are at in all this. Could you provide more information?

If you refuse to let your wife talk to the OW it will seem as if you are protecting her. (OW) You do not want this, believe me. You have said that you admitted the affair but it seems (from your first post) that it was only after you were found out.(?)

This mess isn't going away tomorrow, DTEL. There is no way you can sweep this under the rug. If you want help in recovering your marriage there are steps you MUST take. The No Contact I mentioned before is top priority.

Radical Honesty is another. If you are completely honest with your wife there is nothing the OW can say to her that will surprise her although it will be very painful for her to hear.

You created this mess and now are facing a VERY unpleasant consequence. Having the two women in your life has a way of making that kind of stuff happen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Before you think I'm slamming you, understand that I was the betrayer in my marriage so I know exactly what you are going through. What I don't know however, is how YOU feel about all of this. Can you elaborate? KB

It sucks, its hurtful to hear her talk about it repeatedly over and over again even though that I know that I deserve it I only hope that she will open her heart again. Other than that I 've been reading "Surviving An Affair" which is a very good book and makes very good sense. In it it does say how destructive it is if you don't follow the four rules of recovery. Could you advise as to how I may encourage her to read the book. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ August 20, 2004, 11:35 AM: Message edited by: DTEL ]</small>

dtel..

people can't help you or anyone else...unless they offer the information NEEDED to help...

its hurtful to hear her talk about it repeatedly over and over again even though that I know that I deserve it

what does she say
why does she say it
when does she say it

do you have normal conversations
do you have pleasant conversations
are you two even living together
are you in contact with the OW..

are the only words that come out of her mouth that she wants to talk to the OP...

what sucks dtel?..

the best way to use this forum is to give people the info they need to help you deal with the onslaught of emotions.....(and her)

but you gotta help us help her...

ARK

Ditto DTEL. You NEED to provide more info if you want help. I get the feeling you are not saying much due to continued contact. If so STOP. Life will get so much simpler, trust me.

How about providing some marital history for starters? Maybe if you get that part out you'll feel more comfortable sharing the A part. It HAS to come out, whether here on MB or at home with your wife.

This isn't going away, DTEL. You need to spill the beans if you want your wife/life back. Come on, you CAN do it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> KB