well, that does it. he took every thing out of the house and left me. he said things dont feel right between us and he didnt want to be with me anymore. i know a lot of it is my fault but it was like i was possessed. i am going to break down. please help mei wish i were dead. all i ever tried to be was as good a wife as i could, but i guess i cant be what he needs. i am crying so hard now i cant type. how can he do this to my family? help me please.

<small>[ August 19, 2004, 05:34 PM: Message edited by: shelly_3 ]</small>

Shelly,

Keep taking your A/D's, they will kick in soon and then you won't be so panicked.

It is not about you, you are not the problem he is. This is what affairs do to all BS's. Please remember it has nothing to do with your not being a good person/wife. You are that, he has been abducted by aliens and is now in the fog.

Please, please try to remember it's not about you.

Do you have a sister, mom, friend who you could call to come stay with you? Someone who could help take care of your daughter right now, until you can get it together?

Everyone here cares about you and will help your through this. Please hang on.

Weaver

i love this stupid man so much. how can you go from loving someone so much and then all the sudden you dont? he says he's staying at his friend edgars house but i know he's going to be with that *****. im so hurt, i feel like someone punched a big whole in my chest and stomped on my heart. he must hate me to do something so terrible.

Shelly sweetie...can you say S-E-L-F-I-S-H....because at the very moment, it is all about him; his needs, his wants, his feelings, his everything. I've been where you are, blamed myself, had the worst of thoughts and the most negative of reactions. It wasn't until I stopped blaming ME for everything (and I take the blame for some) and stopped focussing on HIM, that I truly started to heal. I just beg you, please don't blame yourself...it's him. I really equate affair behavior to the toddler stage in our life...Me Me Me!!! You need to take care of yourself during this very distressing time. If you are not already taking Anti-depressants, do consider, they make things much more bearable. And keep posting here; it is a source of comfort and they are sooo full of excellent advice on how to get through this and come out the winner, each and every time.

Shelly,

Have your read "Surviving An Affair"? You can order it on this site, or at amazon.com.

It will help you to understand the dynamics of an affair, and also keep your mind busy so you can calm down.

If you can, try to go to the library or book store and keep your mind busy. Read the infidelity section on the home page of this site. Start learning about affairs so you can stop saying it is because you failed.

You don't want to make any mistakes at this crucial time. So learn what to do right now that won't make it worse.

Weaver

thanks for your kind words. i cant tell you how much i appreciate at least someone giving a damn. i took a vicodin, and feel a little better. im just so heartbroken and hurt. i know deep down things couldnt go on like they were, he's not happy , im not happy and depressed, but it still hurts so much. i dont know how to live without him, how could he do this, i just dont get it.

Hi shelley.....it has been 3 weeks this Friday coming that my WH packed up his stuff and left. I know what your feeling, I felt that rip out my heart and stomp on it feeling. I just wanted to lay down and die.

Keep taking the anti-d's, they will kick in soon, i take zoloft and it takes four weeks for them to kick in.

I have only in the past week, tryed to pick myself up and get on with household chores, etc.
Trust me it does get better, i know you dont feel it now, but it will.

As far as your next plan of action, I dont know if you have been plan A'ing, but i would think that would be your next move. I imagine he will be wanting to see his child, and you could Plan A then.

I did plan a when my wh had his first A, and he eventually came out of the fog.

Read up on plan A and B, not all is lost yet. This is just the beginning of this nasty ordeal. They all say the same things when they are leaving.

In a couple of weeks anger will set in, but keep that here on these boards, no LB's toward him. I found that when i got angrey about it, it made me feel better and more in control. Dont know if thats a good thing or bad.

Dont be so hard on yourself. He has done the wrong and he will feel it eventually.

take care, dear
A/C0810

god, all i want is to be able to stop crying, i cant even do that. im so hurt, i dont want to do anything ever again. i nkow somethings going on between him and that girl, im not stupid. he did all the things ive read on this board when i got to close to the truth. i dont know how to deal with this. i just want to die.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> how can you go from loving someone so much and then all the sudden you dont? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I don't think people do. I also do not believe A's are about love, either. I think they are about ENs being met, and mostly about a fantasy that takes them both away from the immediate things in their lives that are not their favorite - pressure, stress, work, perhaps a M that has seen better days.

That fantasy is as addicting as if that person were taking a drug or alcohol to escape life. That is the fog. That is why we all here the same things. My FWH said all the same things you have said your WH has said: He had to leave because it didn't feel right with me anymore. Mine also said, "I never loved you. I married my best friend. You were the best I thought I'd ever do, and I married you so I could have a family and wife." At one point, my FWH had a fleeting thought that he wished I would die, so him and OW could be together, guilt-free. HELLO!!! I am the mother of his 2 boys!

Anyway, my point is that they all do and say basically the same things. It is a process for them, as well as a process for you. If you stick with MB, you will come to a place where you can move forward with your life - with or without your WH. You can only control you, and the way you handle this and react to this crisis can greatly influence how it will turn out.

I recommend reading as much as you can. Read this entire site, not just the forums. I found great comfort in the stories from Dr. Harley right after my d-day - they gave me hope that if those people could recover, maybe my M could recover, also.

I also enjoyed "Torn Assunder," "After the Affair," "NOT Just Friends," along with Dr. Harley's "His Needs Her Needs" and "Surviving an Affair." If you cannot afford to purchase these books, check them out from your library. You CAN do this. You not only can survive it, you can become more than you ever knew you were.

I know that because it happened to me. I am more now than I ever thought I could be, and my M is now more than I ever thought possible. Have hope. Your meds will begin working soon. Do not feel bad taking the tranquilizers. Once your meds kick in, you won't need those as much.

I lost 30 pounds in 6 weeks, and my tranquilizers at first just barely took the edge off. After my anti-D's kicked in, when I did take a tranquilizer, it made me fall asleep! You will come out of the worst of it. I know it sucks. I lived it. Each minute feels like an hour, each day feels like a week or a month. But it gets better, I promise.

Keep posting and reading and learning. In this experience, knowledge is power. Soon you will realize your WH is reading from some universal, scary, sick WS script. And it won't seem as confusing and overwhelming to you anymore.

Hang in there! We are all here for you.

SS

how can i tell you all how much i appreciate your support? thanks so much. i am thinking of going to plan b because to tell the truth, i dont want to talk to him.well, one good thing happened. i called my work up, explained the situation to them and they told me i could come back. for those of you who dont know one of the managers told me i was terminated on friday. well, someone please give me some ideas about what to do.

hi shelly....one of the reasons for plan A, is for the WH to see what he is missing if you should go to plan b. Thats why plan A is important.

My WH has had 2 A's now , both with the same woman. The first time he never left us, and i did a real good plan A. I realized i made mistakes too in the marriage, and i needed to change some things, and that is what i did.

I didnt know it till he left this last time, that obviously we had a false recovery, and i will do things differently if we get a another chance.

About the job, is it for an immediate return, or will you be able to take a couple of days or a week to return. I just dont think you are up to returning to work immediately, but maybe then you feel it would be good to get your mind off things. That is a desicion you would have to make.

Do you think your H will be calling to see your child. You could start your plan a, right on the phone with him. I know you dont want to talk with him right now, give it a few days.

Take everyones advice here and start reading.

take care, dear
it will get better each day, i was were you are 3 weeks ago. It sucks

A/C0810

Shelly said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> well, someone please give me some ideas about what to do. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Spider Slayer said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I recommend reading as much as you can. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What kinds of things are you interested in doing? Other things I found helpful was to only communicate with my FWH through emails, when I KNEW I could not be civil to him.

Another thing I did was write my pain and questions and hurt out in letters to my FWH that I never gave him. It gave me an outlet for my pain.

I also posted to others in pain, let them know I knew what they were going through, kind-of "compared notes." That helped me heal lots, by helping others through their pain.

I also gathered a BUNCH of girlfriends around me. Some live far away, others close. I found friends I didn't know I had! DO NOT live in shame about what has happened. It is not about you at all - it is about your WH. Tell people, get compassion and support.

SS

on my other thread i received some good advice about what to do, but as someone else said, im the type who will not rest until she has 100% proof. i guess a part of me keeps praying that im wrong. dumb huh?i am sorry to say that i just could not go on living like this, being constantly hurt,knowing he is with her, but not being able to prove it, being disrespected in front of our friends, him acting like he hates me.maybe i was trying to find enough proof, to hurt myself once and for all, so much that it would be over. i dont know what i want to do. i know i dont want to live with him the way he is. what if he never returns to normal? God forgive me for all the mistakes i have made, but i really felt myself going insane. i was unable to let it rest, i had to know. why? i guess i must enjoy it. because even after all that, i would have let him stay. i begged him on my hands and knees not to leave me. too late now, for everything.

Hang in there. I am now going on 3 mos of seperation from my WW. Things do get easier. After I got over the initial shock and went through my lunatic phase I started taking care of myself and coming up with a plan to get my WW back. At one point I was thinking murder/suicide I was so hurt. Then I realized that I still love her so much and could forgive her and started working on a way to win her back. Once I had a plan things got easier.

I was taking A/D starting about 1 month before we seperated. During the first month and a half of our seperation I was not sleeping at all. The Zoloft had me too wired. My doc gave me some tranqs to take at night. They worked for about a week then even those couldn't put me to sleep. My doc then gave me some anti anxiety meds to take at night. those started really messing with my mind. On July 1 I quit taking all my meds cold turkey and I feel better then ever. I have been finding other ways to deal with the situation. Prayer, positive thinking, keeping busy, execising, and writing in my journal have really helped. Just my personal opinion but I don't think A/D are the answer.

still am really depressed. dont know what i should do. what to do when he calls? any advice? i really dont want to talk to him.im too hurt by all this.

If you don't want to talk to him, send him to voice mail. You don't HAVE to talk to him.

And, you are not the first, nor the last, to get on your hands and knees and beg. The night my FWH came home and said that, I did the same thing. I was willing to accept an inappropriate friendship that he had with my supposed best friend!!! How messed up is that?!? I was desperate.

And guess what? I am not that woman anymore. And if you follow the MB program, you won't be either. With or without your H, YOU WILL BE FINE!

I have not read any of your other threads. I KNOW how you are feeling right now. All BS's feel that way in the beginning. My H left, got an apartment, and told me over and over there was no hope for us, our M was over, and that he was going to D me. And he never did.

After 3 months of separation, he asked to come back home after he sent the NC email to OW (did I mention she was my supposed best friend?!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ).

I guess what I am trying to say is, educating yourself will slowly begin to change the way you view this whole thing. Seeing with your own eyes the documented cycle these A's have, is incredibly powerful - both in giving you hope that 1)your M can recover, and 2)you are not alone, and you will survive.

Right now you are kind-of stuck in the "Why . . how . ." stage. And that is OK. But you must begin doing SOMETHING to move forward. Begin writing feelings down, calling friends, post here CONSTANTLY, begin reading and learning about A's. They are so much like addictions, it is scary.

Stay with us, and you will be just fine.

SS

thanks SS,
i guess your right. i dont know how i really feel right now.im kinda happy that the alien is gone, no more of his anger at me for snooping, no more of waiting for a person who never comes home on saturday. but i miss my real h, the person who used to love me above everything and anything, who use to think of me first and everything else second, now tells me the reason that he's gone all the time is that he doesnt want to be around me anymore, that it doesnt feel right. that cuts me to the bone.matter of fact i think that hurt me worst of all. him who used to say he couldnt live without me. i'm still just dumbstruck about this. this is insane. he cheats on me i forgive him, and HE leaves ME? WTH!!!!

I feel your pain sweetie, I'm right there with you. However, I'm SLOWLY changing my outlook. I have my kids to think about, I have myself to think about. So, this is what I've been doing, almost since I first found out. 1- I took a long look in the mirror. I relized that I had taken the back seat for too long. It was time for me to get ME back. 2- I started walking, I'm now walking up to 4 miles every other day. 3- I quit eating junk, now I'm a junk food junkie, but I gave up the chips, chocolate and soda and traded them in for salad, fresh fruit, sugar-free desserts, and lots of water. and 4- Every other day I'm out there with my boys lifting weights. My artheritis is not bothering me near as much, I have lost 22 lbs. since July 7, and was even carded when I bought beer! I turned 41 on the 10th of this month. I'm tired of crying over a louse who I supported for 20 years. I'm tired of living my life for someone who doesn't appreciate all that I have given him. I've never in my life let some silly man tell me how to live until I got married. Well, he left me, and you know what, it hurts, but he will not drag me down anymore. I've even gone and looked up old friends that he didn't like so I didn't see. And guess what else, I have a dinner date Friday night after work with a very sweet and decent man that I have known for 5 years, haven't seen for three. He never made passes, because I was married. He's never been crude or loud because he respects me. And he asked me to dinner because he has always, loved ME, the person that I really am, the person who was always there beside her husband no matter what. This is what he told me on the phone, I did not know this befor. He also said that my eyes are not meant to have tears in them, they are smiling eyes, and that is what he wants to see in them again. Told me to keep my chin up, to put my pride back in order, and to prepare myself for something better. So, that's what I'm going to do. Love & Prayers, Lana

(((hugs)))I really wish there where the right words to take all this away , and I know everyone here feels the same way .

I did not find MB until the second nervous break down .

I to went through the same thing you are , said the same things , I am the one who responded to you saying that you sound like a person who wants that 100% proff or you won't rest .

YOu are not crazy and YOU know he is acting different and YOU know it has everything or something to do with the A , he won't admit to .

MY FWS left the same way , well I told him to then regreted it , but in the long run it was the best thing I ever did .

I continued my snooping but on a calmer level with out him around .

I agree with others although very hard to process right now you need to take your MED's and start thinking about the only important person YOURSELF .

YOU can't function to take care of a child if you are not well , so you are the 1 here.

HArd to focuse, no sleep and endless tears.

Furst things first you need support and help ,,, ask for it !

RECRUTE freinds and family you need them more then you think .

YOU do not need them to tell ya what to do or anger you you need them to listen and help with children ,,, little things that will feel very major ( I couldn't even write a check out LOL )

NO you can't stay like that forever, but it takes time to process what has happened and to be able to gt some strength to pull your self up .

I made my H my world my life my oxygen fro so long I felt like someone thourgh me in the middle of the dessert and said, OK START LIFE !

YOU are much stronger then you even know or could imagine .

It will take time but you will find it in you , pity party yourself , stomp your feet , feel like the victom for awile ,,,, go through the emtions don't put a mask on .

THEN you will find the PLAN you need to start working , YOU need that PLAN any PLAN but you need one .

I can't say if PLAN B OR PLAN A ,,, you may need time to just be alone and avoid him , till you can see things alittle clearer .

Well do not know if this helps at all , but rember MB is here , people who know and have lived this ,,, people who can truely say they KNOW how you feel, and don't feel .

All of us different yet very the same .

What may work for one may need to be tweeked for another .

There is no right or wrong only what you can do what you are capable of that will once again bring you happiness .

BE well and safe .

i dont feel to bad today. a little sad maybe but not in tears. i've got other problems now. i'm waiting for my d's doctor to call me back. my 12 year old d came home drunk with a busted lip yesterday at 11:00pm. i was highly pissed off that h's actions caused this and called him up to rip him a new one. havent talked to him since. yes thats right, run away from your problems and responsibilities and leave them all to your overworked traumitized wife. how did i ever end up with such a nogood lowdown piece of crap.i hate him for this.how can i recover from this betrayal? how could he leave me alone with this?