For the last year I have been fighting a loosing battle with my wife regarding control, she has been in fear of my parents all the way to the point that our love bank was at such a deficit that she had a long and EA with a coworker.

So now that W and I have been working on things and mutually (enthusiastically) agreed to move my parents have dropped a bomb on me. My parents are very wealthy and after losing a son they tried to bring me as close to them as possible. They gave us a down payment for a house across the street from them (a house I cannot afford), they have taken over my student loans and for the past 3 years I have worked for their corporation. All of this control has severely damaged my marriage, and to save my marriage I am willing to move.

However today my dad threw the entire file of student loans at me and called me a quitted and basically told me that my wife wasn’t “on the team if she didn’t stay living there”. Basically making me choose between a house and my marriage.

All of this is exactly the control that my wife obsessed about and feared. I am not sure how she is going to take it. But I am very distressed , I feel terribly betrayed by my family at a very vulnerable time (at the end of an affair). I feel that they have maliciously abandoned me at a time when our marriage needs the most support. In addition I fear the “I told you so’s” that will echo in my home life.

Any thoughts will be appreciated.

RS

Hi Really Sad,

All I can say is that if your side of the story is true, your father needs psychiatric help.

You may want to write him a letter explaining your reasoning if he is going to take it so personally.

Mac

bear with me on my reply...

It is not meant to antagonize...but the theirs power in decision to step up to the plate and take over the things your parents have been doing and it doens't have to be a bitter pitting battle or a choice at all...

there is some truth to the fact that you let your parents do these things...
paying your student loans
downpayment for a house if you can't afford..shouldn't have moved in to..

so you say to your dad and mom...

mom, dad...I love you very much
I appreciate all that you have given and done...but the truth is mom and dad...is that you raised me to be a man ...and letting you pay MY bills means I haven't been acting like a man...

and I am going to change that....
so I am going to take over paying my own student loans...
and my wife and I are going to move in to a house that we can afford...
and through those actions I will come to know as you do dad..what it means to be a man and to really protect my family....

why does this have to be a negative thing
why can't it be an experience in which you parents would be proud of you...

why really sad....

tell you parents you love them and they are always welcome in your home where-ever it is...and that this isn't about choosing anyone..it's all about stepping up to the plate and making my wife and you all proud of me...

why not really sad...
you're not a victim..
you agreed to all they offered they you...

don't punish them
or
your wife
for choices you and she made....

I hope you know I mean this in an empowering sense for you....

ARK

Really Sad,

Ok step back and take your hands off of the wheel and let ME run your life for a moment. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Did you see what Ark wrote to you? She is dead on. So what do you do??

1. You decide if YOU are ready to get out from under your parents. If the answer is yes, then talk with your W and tell her your decision.

2. I presume that since you work for their corporation you have job skills and that you are just on the payroll as a flunky. That being the case,put out job resume's and start looking for a new job now.

3. Move to a house or location that suits the job you find and the salary you make.

4. Assuming that this plan suits you and IT DOES AS I AM RUNNING YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Tell your W your plan and ask her for advice and input in how best to make it work for both of you.

5. Talk to your parents and do what Ark says.

Now I will return control to you. In thinking about what Ark suggested let me ask you something.

Did your parents get their wealth the old fashioned way (they inherited it) or did they build this business from the ground up and MAKE themselves wealthy? If it is the later, then I think you need to appeal their better qualities and state that you want the chance to do somethings yourself, and one of them is to live your life.

I do find it interesting that while they are wealthy and want to buy your life, that you have student loans. Does this mean that they wanted you to do somethings on your own, ie with regard to money, but they want to run your life by buying you with money??

Money and families are very very difficult things and frankly my advice is to become INDEPENDENTLY wealthy on your own. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Seriously, my experience is that money and families don't really mix well, so make your own, take care of your W and your family, and enjoy YOUR life.

Please remember when you married you and your W agreed to leave your families and become ONE. Talk with her about this, about your fears, your ambitions, your love for her, and YOU TWO make a plan for your lives.

I hope I have said something that will be of help.

God Bless,

JL