Are there any recomeneded guidelines for writing a "no contact" letter. Do my WW and I (BS) both sign the letter?

Little help please.

<small>[ August 18, 2004, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: zippyTWM ]</small>

Hi zippy,

Here's some guidelines for the No Contact letter:

•Out of respect and love for spouse and children s/he realizes that s/he must never see or speak to lover again.

•the relationship with lover was cruel and thoughtless and you did not deserve to be treated that way

•S/He is determined to be the spouse you deserve and have been missing

•S/He will not contact her again and asks that she respect his wish to end the relationship entirely

•You have been told all the details of the affair and will be told immediately if contact is attempted in the future.

Your spouse signs it....and you mail it.

Here are some samples:


#1

(OP),

I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife/husband, I have come to realize that I do not want to have any further contact with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that _______ (BS) did not deserve.

While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her/him, I will do my best to become the husband/wife she/he’s been missing. I love her/him deeply and I do not want to do anything to risk her/his future happiness.

I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to continue to try and make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to permanently end our relationship.

Sincerely,

#2

To (OP):

I am sending this letter to confirm for you that I have reconciled with (BS).

To protect her/him, I have decided to break off all contact with you. This decision - not to contact you or interact with you in any way other than as required in public - is permanent and not subject to change.

I ask that you respect my decision, and never seek to contact me, or interact with me other than as required to maintain a polite relationship. I will refuse all efforts to initiate anything other than accidental contact with me, and I will notify BS immediately of any contact between us, as I have been doing after each and every communication you have made thus far, and I will continue to alert her/him to any effort made to initiate additional interaction.

I have been completely honest with BS about everything that has transpired. This is essential to rebuild a trusting relationship between BS and I, and I have committed myself to doing so.

I hope that this letter makes clear my position.

#3

Dear OP,

I am writing this letter for one reason only. All communication between you and I must come to an end immediately. If _____ (BS) and I are ever going to resolve our differences and re-establish the trust we once had, you and I cannot communicate with each other at all.

It certainly isn't anything personal, but I'm sure that you can understand my position on the issue and if you were in my shoes that you would feel exactly the same as I do.

I love BS and she/he deserves a 100% effort from me to make our lives together as happy as possible.

I wish you well in life, and I will appreciate your cooperation in this matter.

Sincerely,

#4

To OP:

____ (BS) has been tremendously hurt as a result of my decisions. Because of the pain that I have caused in exceeding the bounds of what was once a friendship, I am choosing now to cease all forms of communication with you.

It is something that I should have done prior to this, but I failed to. I love ____ (BS). She/He is very important to me and I'm sure you will understand that my relationship with her/him is now my number one priority.

Sincerely,

#5

To (OP):

I have behaved in a selfish and inconsiderate way that has resulted in much pain to both of our families. I know that marital reconciliation with my husband/wife is the right thing to do, but will never fully repay the heartache I have caused. I deeply care about him/her and want things to work out so we can have a family and realize all of our dreams together.

To protect him/her, I have decided to break off all contact with you. All things considered, I think it is best that our families break off all contact as well. This decision, this promise to not ever contact you in any way, direct or indirect, is for life. I am so sorry for what I have done to both of our families. I ask that you respect my promise and never seek to contact me. I will refuse any such attempts to contact me and notify __ (BS) immediately.

I am trying to do the right thing and set my family and my life straight. I have been completely honest with my husband/wife about everything. He/She knows everything. The selfish and inconsiderate damage that I have caused can never be fully repaired but breaking off all contact is the first step towards a rebuilding of trust.

#6

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OP - What the heck was I thinking? Get lost, you scumbag! Never, ever, ever contact me again! Because of my stooopid mistake of turning my back on my spouse, and believing your crapola, I almost lost a REAL man/woman.

FWS</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, star*fish's are more mainstream. But this is what BSs would REALLY like to see.

hahahhahahah WAT I like your's better too! Too bad we can't get any of the WS's to write one like that huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Thanks for the examples.

However, do I (BS)...

1. Write the NC letter?
2. Provide an outline for the NC letter?
3. Suggest the content for the NC letter?

Disclaimer: I didn't get this far.

I suggest you introduce the concept of the NC letter, but do not write it yourself. This is needed therapy for the (hopefully former) WS.

Reluctance on the part of the WS to do this is very telling, depending on its degree.

You may even suggest the points you think ought to be covered from your perspective, but do not be demanding or resort to the "bring me another rock" syndrone when you don't think the WS got it right.

This is a HUGE obstacle for a WS, best I can tell. Shear eagerness or stubborn refusal - opposite ends of the spectrum - should regarded as red flags.

WAT

Zippy,

My H and I (FWW) wrote the letter together, well I wrote it, with his approval, and we both signed it, and we sent two separate ones addressed to OM's W, and to OM.

This turns the table of loyalty back to the spouse, and away from OP.

NC letter is a great tool.

Good luck with yours.

KY