Hey Marriage Builders,

What do you do about your anger and fear about being exposed to STD's.
After D--day my WH told me he had used a condom during his PA. I found out 6 months later that this was a LIE (talk about a love buster!). He has been tested and is negative but the thought of having sex with him again makes me angry. Yes he has been tested for STD's (after the 1st d-day). and he has been tested again for AIDS after the 6 month point but I am still angry. What about all the infections that can't be tested for? Including risks for cerivcal cancer and pelvic inflammatory disease. Not to mention the fact that he exposed me to such danger to begin with. Are we supposed to use the condom the rest of our days? (Not a disaster but I was looking forward to a time when he could get a vasectomy and then.....) No more oral sex? What have you guys done about this?

(We are not having SF since second d-day)

Gillian BS 36
WH 38
married 11 years
PA 11/1/03-12/18/03
1st d day 12/18/03
recovery ok except for the lies 12/18/03-7/7/04
2nd d-day 7/7/04
EA 1996-?
lies about PA revealed, including he didn't use a condom

Gillian -

I know what you are feeling. I was exposed to HPV which puts me at an increased risk for cervical cancer. I have had 2 abnormal PAP smears and one colposcopy that showed stage 2 HPV. I now go for PAPS twice a year - the last one was normal (PTL). But it is a concern. I was exposed through my affair - not my husbands. But I was honest with him and made him where a condom for awhile. My Dr. told me that it was no longer needed.

I had the full STD screening and it has come back clean.

Just take it slow and talk to your doctor.

Hi Gillian,

All I can say is I feel your anger. First Discovery Day husband said he used a condom. I confronted OW. She told me they did not use a condom. I have proof. OW is pregnant. I felt so totally violated that he did not care for me enough to protect me from STD's. I had complete STD tests done. Results Negative. But, two months ago he spent night in OW's town to check on baby she is carrying. Said he spent night in hotel alone. I had second tests done. Will get results Friday. I am so angry and scared so I know how you feel.

Gillian -

I know what you are feeling. I was exposed to HPV which puts me at an increased risk for cervical cancer. I have had 2 abnormal PAP smears and one colposcopy that showed stage 2 HPV. I now go for PAPS twice a year - the last one was normal (PTL). But it is a concern. I was exposed through my affair - not my husbands. But I was honest with him and made him where a condom for awhile. My Dr. told me that it was no longer needed.

I had the full STD screening and it has come back clean.

Just take it slow and talk to your doctor.

I too had to edure the violation of having to be tested for STDs. WHat a violation and humiliating. My results came back negative but I am so angry at her for exposing me. All you can do is continue to be tested and not expose yourself.

Hey Gillian..

I know how you feel. With my WH, the way I found out he was having an A was when I came down with genital herpes.

When I confronted WH, he said that I didn't get it from him.

He came to see the doctor I work for that day for a blood test. I asked him "so you're going to let me stick you with a needle?" He actually let me draw his blood! But I was very professional.

His blood work was positive of course. He has both types of herpes - genital and the kind that gives you cold sores. Both in the acute phase (he had been infected within the last two months the doctor said), and had no chronic herpes infection.

The very thought of all this! He refuses to get more testing for other std's.... because the OW is just not that kind of person!

I'm getting checked for it all! I'm totally disgusted! K

hey Gillian,

For me..well, I'm an odd duck. I'm also a bit reptilian about some things, and this is one of them..exposing me to a potential std is an absolute deal breaker with zero potential for recovery. It is one thing to betray my trust..I might be able to move on from that and continue in a relationship. To take such a risk with my very life though? Nope.

My H confessed the day after. I asked if he used a condom, he said he didn't remember..I raised one eyebrow and stared at him blankly until he looked away, then said.."so, no..you didn't" I put him in a separate room, and with a separate bathroom for 6 months with two complete sets of tests..one of them involved a long q tip being inserted all the way up his urethra with nothing for pain. I take a sick bit of pleasure in it, I admit it. I may have added a little ground up glass, but this will do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You are correct about the risk he has caused you to assume..you are not over reacting. You may well end up with an std, or an unusual pap, etc etc. Even with the complete set of tests I sweated and had a near panic attack in the doctors office while awaiting the results of the HIV test that is run for prenatal exams. I had to read the chart myself to calm down.

If you decide that you can not live with this..I would completely understand, it is more than I would be able to tolerate as well. I still get angry about it....not possible exposure, because he didn't expose me, strictly speaking..but angry for just taking such a stupid risk. Funny that bit of logic that speaks to you, saying things like.."a woman who will take a complete stranger home and have unprotected sex with him on the 14th of the month..has probably done the same things the previous 13 days of the month, with 13 different men..and all of the months before that as well...soooooo..maybe some caution is in order?"..it just doesn't seem to be heard. Not that a condom is really extravagant protection..some things it won't protect you against at all..but it's better than nothing. Well, if they had been functional enough in the lobe area to consider that they wouldn't have behaved so foolishly in the first place. Point being, you don't have to get over this. Especially considering that you have a new bit of info [meaning that you have been deceived in an ongoing manner]. I would start to question your own decision making skills if this were not a real concern.

*Note...I only asked him about his condom use to point out to him how dire, how absurd, how completely without thought he did commit this irrevocable act. Had he used one, it wouldn't have changed anything with regard to his testing or his treatment. Also, I still think about it every single time we have sex, oral or otherwise.*

Thanks for the replies--at least I am not the only one worried and angry about this!!?!

Jfaye-I hope your Pap smear continue to go well
Genia-so sorry about your situation. what a lousy way to find out that you WS has been lying some more.
Hopeful-I am right there with you. Never thought I need to be tested for STD's after we got the marriage liscense
K-glad that you are at least protecting yourself if you H won't protect you. I too heard that the OW wasn't that kind of girl--afterall she gets tested all the time. Seems like somone who gets tested all the time just might be that kind of girl!

Gillian

Ok I have to stand up for the guys here, my wife gave me very little info about her A, she was meeting a guy at a friends house, but nothing physical(yeah right), thats the A I know about.

The big qtip sucks

Joey..

So I hear <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Of course in your case having to endure such a thing would dump gasoline on my fire. I only had to wait and sweat..I didn't have to physically suffer to find out. Mine didn't involve deceit though. I'm sorry you had to be on the receiving end of what I understand to be a rather painfull swabbing. Ouch!

Joey, Noodle..

Unfortunately, with most std's, men don't have symptoms. The woman nearly always does.

With me, I suffered eight days with very painful ulcers that are caused by genital herpes. I could hardly walk. At first I thought it was a yeast infection. Nothing seemed to help. So, (I'm a nurse) the doctor I work for said I could do a culture on them myself (after I told him what I suspected). I did. It was herpes.

Of course, WH told me he was worried about me. He showed me how much he really cares, didn't he!?

After WH was busted, he told me that OW had a cold sore on her lip. That's how he got it. His blood test shows he has both kinds of herpes. OW is really a great gal (let your imagination run wild here - like the mental picture I have of how this got to her lip, and from her lip to me).

Makes me want to puke!!!!!

Protection is the only way to go when faced with an A. Of course we know the OP are always the most wonderful people! SNORT! K

heh k..
gotta disagree with you there..protection isn't the only way to go. How about abstinence? Yeah, it wasn't fun, and boy howdy were my needs going unmet, which only further ticked me off, after all I was paying for something I hadn't even had the pleasure of doing, but ultimately..no way could I do it until I knew. If he had an std I would have left him. Even if it were herpes..you know why? Because I do not want to spend my life with herpes. It doesn't have to be life threatenning to be unacceptable to me. I have never been with another man, I have never put myself in a vulnerable position with regard to an std because frankly, I don't want one. I really feel that's good enough. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The same rule applies to pregnant OW...if that had occurred..I'd have been out. Just not a complication that I am willing to live with in an intimate way. Nope, not gonna do it. As much as I love him, my quality of life counts as well. He made his choice, I'd make mine just as surely. This is why infidelity is such a bad idea. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

K..even though the men are usually asymptomatic..it still shows up in the battery of tests, no? What would be the purpose of having tests if they didn't work?--Noodle

Hi Noodle!

You are absolutely right! The best protection is abstinence.

What's that saying... "abstinence makes the heart grow fon......."

Tests do show it all. Too bad most people faced with a PA only find out about it by getting an std.

I agree.... the best way to avoid being in these horrible situations, is to not put yourself in them in the first place.

It's just like a diet. Just because you're hungry doesn't mean you have to eat!

K

Dear K,

Tests do show it all but only if that have the test available!
You can't test for human papilloma virus and I don't think they know what causes pelvic inflammatory disease although it is sexually transmitted. Plus there is new evidence that many long term diseases (heart diesase etc.) have an infectious component some of which may be sexually transmitted--I just know way more biology than is good for me.

So why didn't my WH use a condom even though he had one with him "She doesn't like condoms" ARGGG!!!


Just the feeling that he was willing to throw away our marriage, the kids, our health for a quick F*** really irritates me.

Noodle- I am with you 100% on the pregnant OW an a non-curable STD being deal breakers. The BS who stick with that really have a lot of faith. I feel like my WH knows just how far to push me to the edge. I promised myself if I found out he had been lying about another PA in his past I would dump him. Well he finally admitted to having an EA with a different woman. What do I do about that? How could he keep lying to me? Do I draw the line here. I mean I have lines in the sand and sometimes I wish he would just cross one so I could say ok there is no way this will work and just leave it at that. Where will i want to be in 5 years?

A lot of times I feel like a big fat sucker.

Gillian

Gillian..

Isn't it infuriating for you to have to admit a certain..shall we say..flexibility in our boundaries? Those lines seem a lot less certain then we once thought they were.

HPV or PID are two examples of mine. I know that I could well have been exposed to them [heck, it's likely even] and a big part of me really would like to know just where do I draw the line...

OK.. sex with another woman, but no acute illnesses...alright illness but no children...

I done been had, duped, suckerfied and other assorted idiocies.

The trouble lies in the uncomfortable reality that our WSs have indeed found our true parameters so that they can stand with their toes on the line.

Your husband replied "she doesn't like condoms" and your response was of course "I don't like adulterers, buh bye now" right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I mean, he could respect her boundaries, no problem..why are yours negotiable?

I strongly suspect that there is an underlying, perhaps unconscious and extremely subtle shift in the marriage paradigm that takes place prior to an infidelity. I think that in some ways, we BSs have allowed ourselves to be set up as neatly as a row of dominoes..so when the knockdown occurs..they feel at least a little secure in getting the reaction that they desire from us.

They know their victim very, very well. They know how to approach you correctly to help their chances of appealing to your pity/mercy/whathaveyou, they know what you will and will not believe.

So, what's to be done about this sorry state of affairs? [heh, heh]

Two options, leave..or redraw the boundaries and enforce them with no illusions about what your beloved is capable of. We have to raise the bar, so to speak. Draw those lines in concrete..and draw them with high expectations. My solution? With regard to his committment to our marriage, with his respect for me, with his avoidance of temptation, with his choices and decisions related to our recovery...I expect perfection, I will accept his very best efforts at perfection, and no less. This has always been my level of committment, why should he be exempt? Anything less and I think we have met the enemy, and it is us.

--Noodle

Dear Noodle,

you have hit the nail on the head (sometimes I feel like the nail)

How is your boundaries/high expectations thing working for you these days? How about your WH--does he really get it?

What are you doing with your anger? do you share with WH?

What does you H do to rebuild your trust?

Gillian

Hi,

Just wanted to share my good news. STD's were negative. No HIV! Whoaa!!! I feel like i just won the lottery. I was so worried.

Hey Genia - great news on your tests. It really does feel like you won the MEGA MILLIONS when that one comes back negative.

Noodle - the testing for HPV is done with your PAP smear. The new PAP test can check for many std's. Testing is not so easy for men. And PID is caused by many different diseases, some of which go undetected.

Lines in the sand... or concrete. I totally agree with that one. I know my WH was totally shocked when I started to draw lines. I guess he thought I was a total pushover. The less wavering in the lines, the stronger I feel.

When I was much younger, I was engaged to a real rat. He cheated on me. He gave me gonorrhea. I was so uneducated at the time that I didn't realized it had gone into a PID. Landed in the hospital for over a week. That std is curable. The one I have now is not. However, it is not one that will kill me. There are too many std's out there now that can kill you. And from the statistics I see, it's a raging epidemic!

One thing, now that I think of it. These two men are the only two men I have ever slept with. Look what they gave me. I'll really have to talk to myself to keep from getting bitter over men (and I know there are good men out there... so don't anyone get their nickers in a knot!)

So... here's to abstinence, protection, and lines in the concrete! I totally agree with you both.

K