Mllc and Rrh,

I have 3 children with my FWH. At the time the stuff hit the fan our son was 14, our oldest daughter was 13 (and just started jr.high) and our youngest daughter was 12.

I gotta tell ya, ME living through my H's cheating was pure HELL ON EARTH....but I forgave him and with CONSTANT work and prayer, we are in a MUCH better place now (2 years later)

My kids, on the other hand, did not handle it at all well. My son lost any and all respect for his Dad, and made sure Dad knew that he was less than human as far as our son was concerned. He looked my H in the eye and told him, "Thanks a lot for such a great role model Dad." (Please insert dripping disdain there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

Our youngest daughter refused to think her Daddy could ever do anything so very bad. She asked, "How could daddy ever love ANYONE more than YOU Mom?" I had no answer for her.

The very worst thing was when the school called me and told me that our beautiful, smart, funny, and loving 13yo daughter was cutting herself and hiding it. One of her friends told the councelor about it (THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING HER THAT FRIEND!!!!!) The cutting began exactly ONE WEEK after finding out about her dad's decision to leave for the OW.

I am truly praying that you BOTH think about the pain you are INTENTIONALLY inflicting on innocent kids. Yes, parents divorce everyday and kids learn to adjust eventually.....but at what cost? You two are cheating those kids each and EVERY time you steal time away from THEM to be together...weather it be for a quick phone call or a secret meeting for a quick screw.

rrh, so what you don't want to spend time with your wife anymore...SPEND IT WITH YOUR KIDS THEN! not another woman, who I am very sorry to say, at the young age of 24 is not equipped with the knowledge OR experience to deal with parenting a 7 yo girl...not to mention your little boys.

What will you tell your kids when they eventually come to you for guidance on relationships? Put your little girl in your wifes shoes...her husband decides that he would be happier elsewhere and wants to dump her with 3 small kids to raise. What would you tell HER?? For that matter, what would you say to her H?

Mllc,
You are still so very young. I mean no disrespect, but you are allowing this much older man to steal from you any dreams you had of a happy future. You don't mention (at least I don't think you did, I might have missed it) if you want children of your own in the future. WHat about THEM? Do you want for them to be Baptised into the church? Do you fully understand what being a parent to HIS kids will mean? You will never be able to escape the ridicule or embarrassment by leaving your H and marrying the OM. His kids will CONSTANTLY be a reminder to you both. (I know MY kids would have NEVER let their fathers OW forget for a SECOND that their M began as a dirty little secret)

If you want out of your M, then by all means, get out of it, but do it with HONOR and DIGNITY, not like a thief in the night.

As my Mom used to say, "God don't like ugly." ANd you can't get much uglier than adultry.

Mllc, You are so young. I have a very good looking single son aged 24 who is working his butt off to discover how to cure diseases like cancer. That's what young people your age should be doing with their time. Worthwhile things - with their abundant energies and talents. You and your H aren't right for each other, and at 24 you should not be saddling yourself to a married man with three kids. How much money, time and energy will they take up over the next few years? Why don't you stop all this nonesense, clear the slate, and start again? Get back out there and meet a single guy who you can have some good honest fun with.

Stay at home with your folks for a year or so. Drop the religious clothing and persona - it's a fake display of godliness in too many people. Being a good person will do for now. You have outgrown your religion and possibly need something a bit more meety? Take time out now to find who you are and what you really want from life. Honestly, if you could just get rid of this married guy you would realise what a bind he and his baggage is. He's controlling you. Don't let him. Take your life back and do something worthwhile with it. At least try to enjoy it, like most young people your age do (it's not going to come around again!).

mllc and OM

I am a OW with intentions of dicorcing and my OM does as well. I am also flame bait but I have to agree with ark on some of his points. If a marriage does not have children, then perhaps you can get away with breaking up in an adult manner if you made a mistake in getting married as people do (ie, rash decision, parental pressure) but once children are in the picture, you better be darn sure what you are doing and how you do it.

you guys wrote that you both contemplated suicide and that he said you were not proving your love for him and threatened suicide. That is just plain maninukative and this suicide can perhaps indicate either an immature or unstable mentality or just plain immature control tendencies. "i can't get what I want so unless you give me/get me/show me, I'm going to kill myself and you will be forever responsible". There was a very good post somewhere in this forum about the difference between mature love and infatuation - pls read it. what you guys are doing sounds like infatuation. Perhaps the reason why statistics show that divorcing then remarrying fails so often is because parties are in the throes of infatuation or the fog as the posters on MB call it. Unfortunately due to the nature of adultery and what needs to happen between two people before you know which is which can not should not an dusually does not happen as Wandering Parties have no time, inclination or brain space to think clearly, I do agree that most marriages that start in adultery might not last. Of those that orginated in clear thinking, usually it is in the nature of these WPs to be unfaithful so in all likihood, anothe affair will happen down the road and the merry go round happens again.

Of course there are many cases where it works but the odds are against them. You reap what you sow. I know of WS who truly made a bad decicion in getting married and tried to extrictae themselves as honourably and honestly and fairly as they could. Still there was a hell alot of crap to deal with but they're still together and still dealing with crap (difficult children etc).

mllc you are quite young and I feel for you as it must be very difficult to deal with your feelings right now. Am trying to get to grips with something like this myself and it is not easy at all. But rrh, why is he in this? He has three children and is an upstanding member of community and church. Was it because he was unhappily married - then why does he have 3 children; one can be accidental but not 3. Can you explain the situation a bit more?

ooppps sorry did not read to end of all 5 pages so post was inappropriate.

sweeny:

"I am a OW with intentions of dicorcing and my OM does as well. I am also flame bait"

Indeed. We have a dark gray pot calling the kettle black.

If a marriage does not have children, then perhaps you can get away with breaking up in an adult manner if you made a mistake in getting married as people do (ie, rash decision, parental pressure) but once children are in the picture, you better be darn sure what you are doing and how you do it. "

This is why I say you're dark gray. So what if YOU don't have children. The purpose of this site is 2 help people rebuild their M's, or build new M's, but not by torching one they're in in the process. Sure, you can "get away" with just about anything, provided you don't have a conscience. And in the case of building a M out of infidelity, there's always a chance, provided the prospect of one of you cheaters cheating on the other cheater sometime down the road doesn't bother you.

People who say "my getting married was a mistake" are putting blinders on so that they won't notice the consequences of wreaking the havoc they're about 2 inflict on their spouse.

No, the marriage wasn't a mistake. It was a choice. Marriage requires maintenance, and it isn't for the faint of heart (or the just plain s2pid). The choice 2 have an affair, on the other hand, is ALWAYS a mistake. A cruel mistake.

-ol' 2long

2long et al. (scientist, sorry):

As a BS with no children, I'm a little troubled by all this talk about "if there are no children and the M was a mistake, maybe you need to get out" talk. It is a common point made by WS (including mine) that the M was over before the A began, and I find it troubling to see what I perceive as that attitude being condoned.

My WW and I had a great M until it became vulnerable and she bailed out. But the premise that it was over before the A, and that the A only highlighted this fact, is something I disagree with COMPLETELY in my case. No children does not make it acceptable to walk away.

The idea that these WS might end the A, get a D, and never continue the R with the OP is straight out of fantasyland.

GC

How on earth do the two of you expect to be blessed with a long and happy marriage when it is built on lies and selfishness? How can you not see that nothing good can be sustained when it starts from a point that destroys so many people?

Karma will never allow success or happiness in a situation like this.

RRH,

You have a daughter. I imagine that one day she’ll grow, find love and want to marry. What will be your role at her wedding? Do you think you will walk her down the aisle? Give her away?

Have you earned that right?

Do you really expect to hold a place of honor at a ceremony that celebrates a union that you have selfishly destroyed? Really?

My father is dead. In a way I am glad. I am a single woman in my early 30’s. Despite what I’ve been through watching my parent’s marriage, I still believe in and hope to have a marriage of my own one day. I’m glad my father is not here because I am spared the ordeal of telling him face to face that he would not walk me down the aisle.

I want no pretenders at my wedding. I only want people who truly respect, honor and uphold marriage to help me do the same in mine. I don’t want any hypocrites.

You and Mllc are hypocrites. You claim to be “saved” and be strong in your faith – but you are contemplating this action. You talk about your faith and your church memberships – your relationship with God, then manipulate with suicide attempts. That’s evil.

I never truly believed that God punishes until I saw the way my father died. Call it karma or whatever – I call it God. My father spent over 20 years living a double life. Lying to everyone. I believe my father’s end was his punishment for the life he led. My father was diagnosed with a cancer that was uncommon in the US. He was diagnosed at Stage IV. He didn’t have a chance. I believe that God looked down at my father and the life he was living and said “Enough. I’m going to bring you home so that this pain can stop.” And He did. Diagnosed in October of 2003 and he passed away this past June. I don’t think there was a chemo treatment that could’ve saved him (and we had the best doctors.)

And in the end? When the truth about his affair came to light? My dad was awake, aware but unable to speak. Unable to do or say anything but lay there and realize that it was all finally coming to light. It was all crumbling down and we were all being hurt.

God’s will will always be done. No matter how you try to dance or explain or circumvent. You know what’s right and wrong. He will not allow you to do otherwise. Punishment for my dad came 20+ years after the fact. I imagine that’s a second in God’s eyes.

But you do what you want to do.

"OK, guys. Got the frame up and we're gonna start with the second story now, K?"

That, or, "When ark posts more than twice in your thread, you're in trouble!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Wasn't sure which one I shuld use first. Then there is always, "Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please...please don't tell me I acted like that."

Or, "I found more maturity in my daughter's day care."

Then there was always quoting ol'2. (A classic, I must say!)

Ah, you pick.

Had to read through this thread...believer goaded me!!

albw=pep? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

"That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!"

mllc and rrh

I generally do not post, however, this has caught my attention, due to the fact that you both are married and that you both belong to the church of Christ. I only want to add Matthem 5 31-32. If you read this scripture, you will not that Jesus said and I quote "whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. So do you truly believe in the word of God? If so, then do the right thing. Let this woman/man stay with her husband and you your wife.

Originally posted by LINY:

That, or, "When ark posts more than twice in your thread, you're in trouble!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

THAT is priceless! Ark's gonna blow coke over 'puter when she reads this!


albw=pep? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

LINY .... I have NO IDEA what this means.... need a clue. Is this an inside joke?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pep..."albw=alittlebitwiser." Just sounded like a typical peppost (Similar "white space" useage too!) (Boy, if they only knew what huge shoes they'd have to fit in!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

somebody hand me a paper towel... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

graycloud

please know i hear ya my man..

I don't want you or anyone else to think that I put less value on a marriage based on whether there are children or not...

my response is singularly for these two twits here.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I honest to God pray often for justlearnings compassion...but it alludes me with these two (mllc rrh)....

I don't give a rats behind what these two grown adults do..
I just pray they leave the children out of their fantasy that as long as they are HAPPY that's all that matters....

it nauseates me to the core and leaves a knot deep in the gut...knowing that they can hurt children so very badly and twist the words love to justify...throw in their sick twisted alluding to being saved and lord help us all.....

ark...who has now officially posted thrice to these two.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> knowing knowing knowing it is futile...

graycloud (aka, "Mr. Porch"):

A scientist, eh? (graycloud, personal communication, 2004) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Believe me, if it weren't the "we don't have kids" excuse, it'd be something else. There are oodles of pages of threads/posts of at what age/how much kids are affected or "best able 2 get over their parents' DV", and justifications like "it's better for the kids 2 DV than 2 live miserably". Probably. But it's even better 2 not be miserable! Miserableness is also a choice, after all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

-ol' 2long

Well mllc,

Not sure if you are going to come back.Many times folks like yourself and rrh advoid and dismiss all the advice given here at a Marriage Building site so you can continue on with your abhorrent behavior.

You can keep deluding yourselves for now but you will fail.

O