<small>[ September 25, 2004, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

i for one second this question.

You could use an expensive scanner, but this would be a hit-or-miss method of tracking calls. Best way would be to bug his cellphone, but not legal.

Okay, it's good you are playing it on this side, distrustful, that is good. Not necesarrily healthy, but nor is denial.

It's not worth the trouble of trying to eavesdrop on the calls, believe me, you really don't want to hear them, I think you can ask around, and get a consenting agreement on that. Do you really want to hear your husband telling another lady how he can't wait to catch her at lunch, grab her from behind, and just thrust himself into her? Okay, I hope just reading that thought made you feel nauseous, now, attach your husbands voice actually saying that, and then think about how long it will take to get that out of your head. You don't want that.

Now, what you can do is get a call detail of his cell phone, most companies provide this with the monthly bill, and alot of them even have them posted online for you to look up whenever you want. My provider has a 1 year history, it has helped me a ton in identifying phone calls. It list incoming and outgoing calls. Then you can do a reverse phone number lookup on the net for any numbers you don't recognize, cell phones are listed yet, so that is a hitch. However, in your case, I'd say that calling the numbers that you don't know at this point is probably a safe move, as, well, there is no trust and no remote attempt yet at rebuilding anything, too many lies still exist for you to believe you are at recovery yet.

When you get a confirmation of an inappropriate call, that is all you need. You can fairly safely assume the worst case, because, well, it be in your head that way for the rest of your life, no knowing, and doubting, so...give yourself some relief and just start from the worst, and work forwards. That way, you don't suffer from a false recovery.

It takes a bit of patience to get a good history log going on tracking cells. But, recovery takes a whole lot more patience. Right now, I'd be very careful about SF, if you are even thinking about that.

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

I found out the OW name, number and where she lives by checking my H cell phone bill online. It's easy! I have all her info but haven't done anything with it. I've wanted to call her so many times and tell her what I think but have restrained myself from doing so. It's not worth it to me. I really don't want to talk to her and hear all the stuff she knows about me and what my H has said to her. It would kill me! I have heard her voice though. I listened to his messages one day and sure enough there was one from her. She is French so she has an accent. YUK!!!!! She sounds dumb if you ask me.
Anyway...check his cell phone bill. You can go to Switchboard.com and find a person by number.
Good luck!

Pem,

One thing you can do, but you have to get hold of the cell phone, is to hit call history and there is a list of phone #s that have been received, called, and missed.

These can be deleted very easily, unfortunately.

My WW always deleted. Now after Dday and NC she is not allowed to delete any of them. And she doesn't!! Which is nice.

But if you can never get hold of it, this won't work. Does he take it with him into the shower?
k

Pem,
I tried to get the cell phone on line,but found out that in order to do this u have to have a password to get into the bill. In order to get the past word u have to be the master cell phone holder in order to have your password text messaged to you. WW is the master cell phone holder. She would see that text mess on her phone and realize what i was up to and i would probably never get the password. I thought about requesting for detailed cell phone report but still feel provider wouldn't give that to me because cell phones are under her name.
I actually went into her purse and pulled her phone out and checked it while she was sleeping. was nothing to be found and ended up as a big LB weekend.
jets

Go to www.abika.com you will find what you need.

You can get quite a bit of information from just a cell phone number.... I have used the site phonebust to get the name of the OW from her cell number. That report also gave me the name of the carrier and the address and phone number listed on her account.

There is an option to get a monthly report of calls also, I think. Check it out. It will cost you, but the $65.00 I spent was worth it to me to find out her name and parents phone/address. It led me to everything I found out about her in the end...and believe me, I probably know more about her right now than she does.

The search is done by private investigators.

<small>[ August 19, 2004, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: faithinme ]</small>

Look, you are over complicating this. It's simple. You want a completely open and honest relationship. What your role is now is not presenting that, nor is his. Tell him, these are non-negotables, he must be a open book to you on his comings and goings, and his conversations, his email, everything. If you become 'suspicious' of wrong doings, he needs to ante-up and help you cope. It's ok if he gets a bit peeved, and understandable, but he brought the relationship to this point, and these are the consequences of that, so he will have to deal, FOR A TIME.

One thing is for sure, no more mine or yours crap. It's both of yours, and you have every right to know who he is talking to at any time you want. You define the boundaries now. If you feel he is crossing them, and he tries to cover in any form, and you have doubt, tell him, I'm sorry, but I don't trust you or that answer yet, I need to have more clarity on your explanation. Then do whatever you need to til you are comfortable with the explanation.

Hang in there. You have the power, even if you feel helpless right now.

I can help. I work for a company that does cellular billing I am familiar with most of the laws as well all the functionality of billing systems.

Some company's only display dialed calls in the detail bill. That doesn't mean they do not store them. Cellular companies are required to keep all records (in and out) for an extended period of time. It is not likely that you will ever see these records outside of a court supeona. That's how it works. Now you could get a lawyer and file for a D and have the records seized but you probably do not want to do that either. There's also a limit as to how far you can go back with cellular records. Most companies keep at least 6 months of history on hand...that would be available for you to view online or request reprinted bills...say in the instance you didn't have detail billing for the past 6 months and you want to go back that far. Again to go beyond that would require legal intervention.

Does any of this make sense?

There's also ways around getting access to your H's bill. Now are those ways legal....I don't know. I am pretty good at breaking passwords so I haven't had to do much to get access to the records. Chances are you aren't on the phone bill. If your name isn't on the bill then legally the cellular company won't be able to tell you anything about the account. Try to hack the password. They will usually give you question that you need to know the answer to before they allow you to reset it. They may or may not send an email to indicate the change.

Either way you'll be busted when your H tries to log in again anyway.

Here's another path:
Load spyware and capture the password the next time he pulls it up on line the password will be recorded.

You might also want to look at radio shack. You can buy a voice activated recorder and place it under the seat of his car.

There are also cell phones out there that come already bugged. They run about $4000 and will allow you to listen to all call from a 3rd handset or can send the recordings to a place where you can hear all calls made from the phone. You'd have to get him to consider a new cell phone. Maybe present it as a gift. Not sure he'd go for that but that's an option.

I hope I've been helpful.

I'm afraid Hersowife has given you some bad advise! there is no place in the united states of America that you can record the private conversation of two people without the concent of at least one of them. Period! Whether it is a phone bug, or a voice activated recorder it doesn't matter. It is a crime and you can get into BIG trouble for it! You can tape the conversation if you are one of the people involved. So you can give yourself permission, if you are on one end of the line, or one of the people involved in the conversation.

If you really want to get him cold, have a friend log on like you did. When he contacts her and then wants her to call him she could do it, and you could tape that call leagally because your friend would be one the people in the conversation, AND she has given consent to tape it.

DON'T BREAK THE LAW! It can come up and bite you in the a** later!

Pem,
After I wrote about the cell phone call history, I checked my phone and you can erase individual calls from the list. I thought if you hit erase it erased all calls on the list. (Sh**!!)

Sorry about the error...and my now increased paranoia and anxiety.

God, I hate this trust issue thing!!
k

<small>[ August 20, 2004, 10:10 AM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

I tried with a PI to get incoming calls phone numbers - can't get them..Be careful if you do find something - I too quickly confronted my WH with his calls and he got alittle smarter - now he uses phone cards - though, I don't think he realizes that a min. is a min. on a cell phone - so now the 800 number shows up - still doesn't show who he is calling but that doesn't matter - just knowing he calls ticks me off..

Don't forget your home phone just in case the person is local when you get home after he's been there alone - hit * 69 to see if someone called in - also try redial..Mine wised up to that too - has his friend call to delete it, and makes outbound to erase the redial.

Sometimes - they just try to outsmart us...

Rather than get another cell phone which is expensive to try calling these women - buy a phone card...

Mugsy -

I never said it was legal. Bad advice maybe...but I was not wrong. Go online and look for yourself.

Take a look at Laci Peterson...do you think if she knew her H was having an A she would be dead right now? Maybe that wouldn't have solved anything. Maybe I'm wrong for suggesting that she look into to illegally taping her H. Law or no law if my H is cheating on me and I need proof I'd do just about anything to get the proof I needed. You have to protect yourself.

I'm not a bad person....far from it.

<small>[ August 20, 2004, 01:30 PM: Message edited by: heroswife ]</small>

Okay,

He has admitted to a past physical affair. He has admitted to current emotional affairs/internet abuse/conversational addictions. It sounds like you are in agreement it is probably much worse than what he is admitting. He seems to be operating on the principle of if she doesn't know, it doesn't happen, and you of course aren't comfortable with that.

As much as you try to discover things, he will hide and deny them. What do you want to know? I think you are trying to do just too much PI work. Why not work the actual problem, which is apparently honesty, communication, and accountability. No matter how much you try to work those issues though, he has to want to be a part of them, otherwise, what is the point. Well, half of the point is getting them to understand that you are desirable, and your relationship is valuable, I know, but spying on and interrogating your spouse won't provide that feeling.

If you feel you don't have enough evidence yet to proceed with a plan of action, quit waffling, and make a move. Get the evidence. Boldly, directly. You haven't got a need to sneak around. A persons choice to sin is their choice, I'm coming to believe environment has a certain amount of bearing, but, more so, the person's character has the most bearing. If you send him to pick up the kids from school with one of these gals, expect a potential for trouble...if you send them on a cruise, expect a higher potential... but no matter what, it comes down to a choice he is gonna make. HE makes the choice, no matter what. What is he seeking? Why is he looking for more? Because something he NEEDS isn't being fulfilled at home.

Right now, you have admissions enough to make you choose a path, and proceed with it. You can choose to do nothing, choose to plan a, or choose to plan b. All are viable options, and the good news is, you know what your role is in each of the scenarios. You don't have to sneak around, you don't have to lie, you don't have to enter into sin because your husband has issues. Stand up, be bold. Too much deception from the BS is starting to show up on the forum, I think it may be time to start standing in more confidence and realize that we have alot more power than we give ourselves credit for.

In plan a, it's hard to see the power, in plan b, it becomes quickly obvious. Do you get some of what I'm saying here?

Giving a standing ovation to RK..and also..

Why are you resistant to taking this conflict to him directly? What are you afraid of?

How will these elaborate schemes help you with this fear?

What do you hope to accomplish with them?

You have already caught him..you are beyond the investigative stage..what is keeping you from moving on?

You and he will both have to accept, that for a time..anything that he says will be suspect, even if it is later proven to be true. This is a side effect of his willfull deceit. It is his job to provide any and all info that you need whenever you need it without being resentfull about it. Privacy has been stricken from the list of acceptable desires.

If he resists this..you know where the two of you stand at this time. He is not willing to work on or commit to the marriage. Take action accordingly. If that means that you re-evaluate your own commitment..so be it. If it means you begin plan A..with a definite plan B in the mail..that's also an option.

I'd also agree with RK about his ENs not being met as more important than his cell phone records. I can not see how any of this is more than misdirection..he has lost the plot..don't fall in the same hole. Do not expend huge amounts of energy on fruitless tasks. Decide what will bear fruit and pursue it.

This is not to suggest that I think you have all of the information about his activities and his affairs. I think, in fact, you do not. I think he has been and is currently lying to you. Nonetheless, I think that you have enough information to take the next step. You will never find the bottom of this hole, what's the point of digging?

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

Bravo!! Applause!

I too suspect PA activity..so please protect yourself! Be tested for all testable std's. Yup..plan A probably your best bet if you still hope to recover the marriage. I'm so pleased and relieved to see you out of the very confusing loop you have been in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />