Ok guys some of you seen me her before some of you haven't but here's the deal. I know I don't have too much business here seeing how I've never been married but have been cheated on before my my bf (babysfather) and have felt almost all of the emotions you all have felt. Even the thought of OC cause his XOW was suppposedly prego but had an abortion last year.

Anyways my point is I'm not going to follow any plan A's or plan B's because this guy is a complete loser anyways and as Pep says there is nothing to save here. But I sit her and read ya'll posts and I can't help but think why keep giving your husband or wife these chances to do it again (I know I've given lot's of chances) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> because they will be good for a little bit and get out of their fog and then later just go back to it and I read new posts "Oh no what do I do my WW or WH is back with their OP" I mean isn't it safe to assume that if they get away with it once they will do it again.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (as I've seen often here)...especially seeing how they don't get treated like crap because of the PLan A concept on how you shouldn't give ultimatums or bash them.

angelx...

the decision of when enough is enough in a marriage is entirely up to the person poster..
though people here support the concept of healthy fullfilling marriages...there is no driven collective thought that all marriages must be 'saved' or can be 'saved'...

poster here always have the option of saying enough is enough...and it is there choice...

)...especially seeing how they don't get treated like crap because of the PLan A concept on how you shouldn't give ultimatums or bash them.

treating someone like crap...doesn't work either...never has never will..plan a does not disregard the emotional pain or the onus of responsibility to create once again a safe for a marriage....

plan a creates an environment that reduces the emotional onslaught and truama so that people can try to communicate the real issues without getting lost in the pain....

ultimatums...
never work..honestly..you really do know that right...

and bashing them...just lets two people get lost in a struggle of name calling...hurting,... and wasted time...

angelx people may go back to the OP...life comes with no garuntees...but the BS that used logic and calmness always comes out on the other side a better person...
while the WS remains a spineless reptillian jerk.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

but you are smart...
and you alread KNEW all of this.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
you were just testing us....

ark

ark, thanks for responding...you made a lot of sense, especially this one..

"angelx people may go back to the OP...life comes with no garuntees...but the BS that used logic and calmness always comes out on the other side a better person...
while the WS remains a spineless reptillian jerk.... "

But I just feel that humans are programmed this way, that if they get away with it once, they will do it again..after the affair, my bf was in contact (just verbal a couple times ) and each time I let it go, I felt that I was losing credibility when I would take him back because before I would tell him "this is the last time I'm going to forgive you again" I agree ultimatums don't work, but I guess I have alot to learn but it sucks that I had to go through all this now. I've already lost so much faith in people it's sad...

One of the things I really value about the MB plan is that it not only teaches you how to get through the affair, but to avoid one in the future. That is what is missing when so many of us take back someone who has done it before. If you follow the concepts and do the work, you will be so in love and full of each other that there will be no hidden holes in the relationship to be filled by someone else.

That is usually not there after a reconciliation.

IMHO

angel....

I felt that I was losing credibility when I would take him back because before I would tell him "this is the last time I'm going to forgive you again"

blessed is he that can forgive over and over...and you have made the right choice if he continues/continued that path....forgiveness is best for those that no longer choose that path of dishonesty...

but not all do....

that if they get away with it once, they will do it again.

yeah but each time you are stronger when facing them to know exactly how much more you can take...and then with no repentance...you can and do reach that point of being done with them..

they don't get away with it...each act of betrayal is a piece of their soul....
a piece of what has real value in this world...they give away....and to be a whole person they really needed that piece....

yep a lot of them cling to and seek shelter where they find no judgement in their hurtful actions..
and they fill it with false goodness....

but inside they know what they have done...
they know....

and perhaps that's why they can no longer look at the BS and children in their wake...cause those eyes looking back at them...can see right in to the place where they have given pieces of themselves away....and that hurts...no matter their cover up....
hmmmmmmmm....

interesting...

ARK

I can't help but think why keep giving your husband or wife these chances to do it again

I took you at your word when you described your boyfriend

(and I am quoting your words):

"potsmoking / uneducated / thief / cheater"

So, the idea of trying to reconcile a long term marriage affected by infidelity ...
is radically different than trying to reconcile ...
a never-married relationship with someone you have no reason to trust because of his history of low character.

The situations are not at all similar in my opinion.

How are you doing lately?

Pep

XangelX,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But I sit her and read ya'll posts and I can't help but think why keep giving your husband or wife these chances to do it again (I know I've given lot's of chances) because they will be good for a little bit and get out of their fog and then later just go back to it and I read new posts "Oh no what do I do my WW or WH is back with their OP" I mean isn't it safe to assume that if they get away with it once they will do it again.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">#1. I didn't M my H with the notion he was a "cheater". It's not labeled anywhere. I don't think he ever was.

#2. He's not a repeat offender.

#3. He's a man of good character, good provider, my best friend. He made a poor judgement.

#4. I contributed to the breakdown of my M, I don't condone his A, but the M was broken...almost beyond repair. I have free will, I could walk...or talk.... my M was worth a second chance.

#5. Ultimatums, bashing... is not why I would want someone in my life. Life is about choices..and we all get to make them. Some make better choices than others...that's all.

So no, it's not safe to assume they'll do it again...I think a majority don't.

Thanks for the insight. I just felt stepped on when I continued my relationship with my bf and I wondered if any of you do. But yes my situation is pretty different, but alot of same feelings experienced here...

Pep: I am doing real good. I'm still weaning away from bf, (I am narcissist fuel) pretty much just waiting for him to screw up again...Today I went to lunch with a new guy, havent done this in a long while, this guy and I have been friends for a while but have only hung out twice, but I can definetly see myself in a realtionship with this guy...I'm hoping this goes somewhere