When you are in plan A what do you say when your spouse says they want to leave??? Do you say do what you want?? Do you just say you are sorry they are not happy and wait to see if they act upon it???

Also when they say you must not love me because you don't want me to be happy... What do you say???

I guess I am lost because everytime my husband and I talk if we get into relationship talk I always get baited in and argue and end up feeling worse.

Sad, unfortunatly I do not have an answer. I too am struggling with plan A.

The theory as I understand it is to be the best you can be and live your life to show how good it can be.

I look forward to hearing some of the great responses you will get!

"I know you are not happy right now, but I still love you. I know we haven't had the marriage we should have, but I want to work on rebuilding together. I know that I haven't been meeting your most important emotional needs, but I want a chance to do it now."

During Plan A, you are trying to get WS to see that you can change and you are willing to change.

That is why Plan A is also about you. You need to take stock of what has been happening in your M. Everyone has ENs. What are your WS'? Which ENs were you not fulfilling?

Remember, this is only in Plan A. It is very difficult because you will be trying to meet your WS' ENs, but he couldn't care less about yours. You cannot expect anything from him while he is in the fog. This is just the way it is.

You will have to grin and bear this because you have chosen to recover your M. That is why it is very important to do things that make you happy during this time. You need something to make you feel good, cuz you can't expect it from WS.

Do you have friends that you can talk to?

"Of course I want you to be happy, but I believe you will be happiest with your family. That's why I want to rebuild our marriage."

SML, what is your financial situation? Why hasn't WS left, yet? Consider yourself lucky. Some WS' leave on d-day. Yours is still at home. Why? Because he knows he should not abandon his wife and family. He *knows* in his heart he is not doing the right thing.

Help him do the right thing. Help him come back to the M. Show him that he has a safe place to come to. Yes, you want him to be happy, that's why you won't LB anymore.

If your conversations lead to LBs, stop them, right there and then. You will need to learn to be able to talk to him without getting upset. He is looking for a friend. He *needs* someone to talk to. He is going crazy and doesn't know which end is up. He needs someone who will listen and try to understand where he is coming from. Be that friend to him. That is the first step in laying down the foundation for recovery.

Hey SML, ibc is giving you great support. You are smart, you are strong. You know what Pep told me once, that has always stuck with me. I think it was Pep, but maybe star*fish. She told me my intelligence was hurting my M. Something like that. Basically, I could wrap my brain around what was happening, I could tell by reading and learning what I needed to do. That was my "good" intelligence.

The part that was holding me back was my intelligence in trying to educate my then WH. Sounds like that is what you are doing, too. Using your words to try and show your WH how he couldn't possibly be right about how he feels, what he is doing. He isn't right, he doesn't know, but the only way for him to realize that is ON HIS OWN.

There are, however, things you can do to help him along. And it is maddeningly simple. Agree with him. Smile and nod. Because you know what? As messed up and crazy as it all sounds to YOU, it makes perfect sense to HIM.

HE doesn't want to be married to you anymore. "OK. That is your choice." HE doesn't think you love him because you don't support him going off and leaving his family for his girlfriend? "I guess I can see how you would think that. I know I love you, and I get upset when you don't want to be with me, that makes me think you don't want me to be happy. So, I can understand why you feel that way."

When my FWH was being dumped by the OW, I listened one night on the phone to him for 90 minutes cry about losing her love. PUKE. BUT, I supported him as a FRIEND. I wanted him to talk to me. I wanted to be included/invited back into his world. Which meant he had to feel like NOTHING was off limits. I just kept telling him, "I understand how badly it hurts to love someone and not feel their love in return. I will always be here for you, no matter what happens with our M. You have always been my best friend, and you always will be."

You must DETACH as his W for now. Become his friend. ONLY support him. Him talking to you is a HUGE advantage. TRUST ME. When I started talking to me, and I was READY to properly Plan A (many 2x4's from ark, Pep, star*fish, Believer, and countless others!), my H's fantasy began to come apart. He realized that I WAS his best friend. I WAS always there for him. I DID understand him.

See, the most important thing I learned is that I can hear, and accept, things my H says to me that 1)hurt my feelings, and 2)I don't agree with. And I use those lessons I learned to this day in our recovery. Being a best friend means being there no matter WHAT. I know the stuff he tells you is hurtful. I KNOW!!! I know it's not easy to hear it. BUT, if you can, if you can listen to him and be his friend and not try and change his mind or argue his feelings, you will be pleasantly surprised. Not today or tomorrow, but once he gets it all out of himself, he can begin to defog. IMHO.

When he brings it up, ask him questions, too. Honest questions. You must NOT use any of this to try and manipulate. You must be authentic. When he says something about OW, ask him respectfully to clarify. "H, can you explain to me why you think she understands you better than I do? Is this something you have noticed for a long time, or have you just begun to become unhappy with my ability to understand you? If anything, can you think of anything in particular I can do to improve myself in this area?"

Emphasize that if your M doesn't work out, you want to fully understand why, so you are not destined to repeat the same mistakes in your next relationship. AND, you want to make sure you are a happy, balanced person because you have the primary responsibility of raising your kids in the future. I would also remind him that whether you stay M or D, you both need to clear your issues together - preferably in MC. Tell him that if a D happens, the more amicable the better. Sometimes, a MC who has worked with a couple can be an effective mediator.

Everything to keep the lines of communication open. That is what you need, that is what he is offering you.

You are doing great. Don't let your intelligence work against you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

SS

Thank you everyone for your great advice and ideas of what to say. I was doing it all wrong and I know that. I getting baited in and arguing is not the answer. Tonight when my husband came home he looked so depressed and sad. I want him to come home to a home he wants to be in and be happy.

I am no longer going to LB. He can say what he wants but I am not going to let his words bother me. Because I know by reading here and reading the affair books that most of what he is saying has been heard over and over again. He needs a friend right now. And I am going to be that friend. I did tell him when he came home I was sorry to let things get to me and sorry that I have been going about things the wrong way. That I know that I have done things to help our marriage get to this point but I would be happy if he would give me a chance to show him I can meet his needs. That I am sorry he feels this way.

I just don't want to be the reason he finally does walk out the door. If he does make that choice I want him to remember me as loving, caring, working on myself, and trying to meet his needs.

bump

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just don't want to be the reason he finally does walk out the door. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand what you mean when you say this, but YOU will not be the reason he walks out the door. You could do a perfect Plan A, and he may still leave. His A, and the OW, and his fogged-out brain, is why he will leave. Ultimately, it is HIS decision; all you can do is influence.

But I think what you mean is that you want to do everything that has been shown to be successful that you can to improve those chances. And that is great. I think you are beginning to understand Plan A. It is tricky, and I didn't understand it for a long time. Just keep plugging away, and very soon you will have the hang of it!

SS

ps, if you want a reply from someone specific (besides me!), call them out in your topic. This was advice I receieved a while ago. If there is a "vet" around that you really like their posts, call them out! I would like to hear what others have to say, as I'm sure you would, too. Probably sick to death of hearing the same old same old from Spidey, eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It's all good!

Hey girlie! ark just bumped up some classic Plan A threads for everyone with Plan A questions, here on GQII. Check them out!!!

SS

Simply say,
"Wow honey. I'm sorry you feel that way. Is there something specific I am doing that makes you feel the need to move out? I don't want you to move out."
Do it in a very nice, non-sarcastic way. Say it from your heart.

Another plan A question. My husband lately has been going outside to his car or making excuses like he is going to get gas which takes about a hour. I know he is just going out to call OW. Also she called his cell last night and talked to her a few minutes while I was upstairs. When I came down he hung up but got his shoes on and went out to the car. If you are in plan A what do you say in this situation??? I feel really disrespected. Do I just act like it didn't happen. Do I ask him not to do it anymore. I pretty much told him I knew why he went out that I felt disrespected. He didn't seem to care. Any ideas for when he does this again. Which I know he will.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

When he's sitting in his car talking to OW ... brew him a cup of tea, put the tea on a plate with 2 cookies ...

and take him a little tea and cookies! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Rap gently on the car window ...

and loud enough to be heard over the phone say,

"Sweetheart, I thought you might be getting thirsty or hungry, so I brought you tea and cookies."

Hand him the treat. kiss him, and then go back into the house.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SadMarylandLady:
<strong> Another plan A question. My husband lately has been going outside to his car or making excuses like he is going to get gas which takes about a hour. I know he is just going out to call OW. Also she called his cell last night and talked to her a few minutes while I was upstairs. When I came down he hung up but got his shoes on and went out to the car. If you are in plan A what do you say in this situation??? I feel really disrespected. Do I just act like it didn't happen. Do I ask him not to do it anymore. I pretty much told him I knew why he went out that I felt disrespected. He didn't seem to care. Any ideas for when he does this again. Which I know he will. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SML,

Unlike the lovely Mrs Pepper, I would lock the door, put a chair under the door knob and go close up the house for the night. Make sure all other doors or entrance ways have been locked and blocked. Also the windows must be secured. I actually changed the deadbolt and back door locks. The WS will attempt to come into the house but be met with resistence. So now the 'house' is resistiting the WS. LOL!!!!
Now depending on your mood, you could take it a step further and while he is bamming on the door for you to open up, you could call the police and say someone is banging on your door and you are scared. Let the police see the WS in action. When your H has been identified as the noise maker, kindly let the police know that since the Ws leaves the house often to call 'other women', you were afraid someone was trying to break in whilst he was away. Let them know it happens often. You are also pregnant so he will look even more guilty.

Of course that is my warped version of handling it and since you are in a delicate position right now, you use your best judgement.

At the very least, I hope this made for some humorous reading. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

<small>[ August 24, 2004, 02:23 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

duplicate post

<small>[ August 24, 2004, 02:24 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>