Well we had our first marriage counseling session yesterday . Really it went pretty well all things considered. But the main thing it did was finally get my wife talking about our relationship. After most of the night of working to get her to open up she finally did and let me know what she was thinking. She said that even though I have done nothing wrong , and even though I have worked so hard at making her feel loved and needed these past few weeks , the fact of the matter was she just didn't love me anymore. She was trying to get the feelings back and she thought they came back for just a little while ....but now they are gone again and she didn't know why. She then went on the say that even if they did come back that she thought they would just fade again in a month, year...ect. and she would just go right back to cheating again.

Well that was enough for me. I refuse to just be her old dog ...someone who she can pet and love when she feels like it ...but just doesn't care enough about not to kick when its down. I admit this flies in the face of Plan A. Which (in my opinion) just gives the spouse incentive to keep having affairs since you are showing that no matter how horriable they treat you , you'll be there for them. I just can't play a game like that.

So we descided on a divorce which I am very interested in seeing the effects of. Now this really sounds like Plan B but the big difference here is im not asking for divorce as a way to save the marriage (which i also think is wrong). But rather am ACTUALLY going to divorce her. Ive now moved her out of our bedroom (we have slept together all through the working it out process) and am going to emotionally tune her out. I am curious to see what this does ( and damn me but it does sound like Im doing Plan B) . This is now for the first time going to let the reality of what she has done , and what the consenquices of that got her sink in. I still just can't believe she looked at her mental scale and weighed her loving husband and kids against being a mistress to a old biker guy and found us wanting.

I hope she enjoyes her choices she has made in life. Thats the thing about life altering choices .....you have to be able to live with them.

Thanks to all the people who have helped me with your words on this site. Im just not the type of person to do Plan A all the way to the end . Even thought I will admit ...it may have worked but at the cost of my sanity.

Well, the choice is yours Hitman but if my H had given up at the stage you are at we'd be divorced now instead of happily celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary on Monday.

Plan A is NOT about being a doormat - why do people think this? My H had huge boundaries in place. If I saw OM again, H was gone. He let me know he was hurt and angry and upset. He didn't pretend everything was lovely but he DID go out of his way to find out what we'd been missing and then we worked on those things together. I was a receptive WW but if I hadn't been it still would have worked.

The way my H fought for me was the most courageous, wonderful, sexy thing I've ever seen in my life.

Jenny

Our stories sound similiar. My WH said all the same stuff your W is saying. He still says it. I am in plan B right now. I am just going to live my life for me and my son and if he comes back he comes back....if he doesn't then at least I will know that I did what I could for my family. I almost filed for divorce today...but decided to let him do it if that's what he feels he needs to do. Hang in there. Do you truly love your wife? If so then let her file for divorce!

hitman, I am sorry it didn't turn out better for you. I would just point out that Marriage Builders is for people who WANT to save their marriage after an affair. Many simply DON'T choose to and they are well within their rights. Only we know what we can or can't endure.

Like you, I chose to call it a day and had no interest in staying married to my H. Things turned around and we are still together now, but that is because of his hard work, not mine.

Anyway, stick around, you will get lots of support on this site, in this forum and the Divorce forum. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

KiwiJ,
I hope my H fels that way about me one day. I too think that you have to be strong to fight for your marriage. I think the weak leave and don't try!!!!!

hitman - It is your choice. I firmly believe in marriages, even after an A, but that is my personal choice. Others just get a divorce. Only you know what you can or cannot tolerate.

Thanks for the words and advice . I to believe you have to stand and fight for your marriage. And I did that. My wife really has a lot of issues in her life. She admits that I am the only good unabusive person she has ever had a relationship with. But is seems to be the cycle of the abused to push away people they care about to much. Im just personally tired of being abused for no reason. I told her that it seem's like she would have been much happier with me if I was an abusive alcholic or something like that. She could have related to disfunction but being nice and normal I guess just doesn't keep her interest. She told me that I deserve a lot better than her . And after weeks of telling her that wasn't true I just came to the conclusion that she was right. I do deserve better than this. I do deserve someone who will love me for who I am and not abuse me for things I never did.

Good luck to you hitman...whatever you decide. You have to be happy with what you decide to do. Hang in there.

OOPS one more thought.

I am however worried about what I will do if she does come to me with tears in her eyes and regret and remorse in her heart now. Even after all she has done I do still love her. She is actually the only women I have ever dated, kissed or made love with in my life. And walking away from 15 years of caring and into the dating scene again is frightning beyond belief.

I do fully intend to go through with the divorce. But as you can see I'm still not convinced I can if she comes around.

Hitman, as TR says, its your choice. You do have to do what's right for you. I always feel weird giving advice because each situation is different.

I just like to give people an idea of what has happened in my life - a bit like a reformed smoker, I'm borderline evangelical about this subject. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Jenny

Hitman,

I was once in your shoes. My first wife had me on that rollercoster ride for the last 15 years of our 19 year marriage. Of course, at the time, I did not know about MB; but, I see now I did a darn good and long Plan A.

In the end, she decided to leave us, and I filed for divorce. As I've written to others, a divorce became a good Plan B. When I started dating my present wife steadaly, wife #1 wanted back in. For my part, I knew whe was between boyfriends and was looking for a free meal ticket, remembered the 15 year horror, and told her no way. To this day, she has been through 4 or 5 marriages, living alone, and is still trying to break up my present 18 year marriage.

I use my experience to say sometimes a divorce is a great Plan B, and WSs do come back one way or another.

Ronald.

<small>[ August 19, 2004, 07:47 PM: Message edited by: RAG ]</small>

WOW thanks for the posative spin Ronald. That makes me feel better.

Oh yeah one other thing I wanted to ask/get off my chest. I had been thinking seriously of the exposure thing before last night happened ( wife and OM work together). But during our conversation I asked if anyone else knew about the affair . She said yes several people she works with all knew . I really thought someone in a relationship like that would have wanted to keep it real quiet. Its kind of like I was the butt of some cruel joke all her work buddies knew about. It was almost like she was flaunting the fact. Plus all of them didn't care or told her she was doing the right thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> For Gods Sake what was my wifes fasination with hanging out with losers.

Hitman,

Think of the source of your information. Do you really think it is reliable?

Actually yes I do . She hasn't lied to me about anything since I found out. Plus I know the type of people she works with . She works in a mental hospital and most of the time its hard telling the difference between patients and employees. In fact its her working there that has led to any problem we have ever had in our marriage.

Interestingly enough I asked her last night when she was happiest in our marriage. She answered with the exact same time frame I had been thinking of as well . I then asked her if she realized that was also the one time in our marriage that she didn't work at the mental hospital and didn't work nights (while I work all days) . She just says "Oh" . I guess people will remain blind until they make the choice to open up their eyes and see.