I sent myWH plan B letter and this is what he sends me back. I truly think it's over!!!! What should I do?????

Letter from WH:
I know how hard you have tried and are still trying to do everything you can. I do recognize your efforts. There is only so much you can do. I have gone way too far. Inside it has taken its toll on me and I can only imagine how much it has done to you...yet you continue to battle. I want you to live your life, BS. You have attached yourself so much to a "marriage" and seem to have forgotten who you should be loving and respecting the most...yourself. Why are you allowing yourself to hurt so badly? You seem to beleive so much that if you and I are no longer married that you can no longer love nor even consider me somehow in your life. Marriage is no more than the legal aspect of a relationship...a mere contract. Its the relationship between a couple, if mutually and legally acknowledged, that makes it a legal marriage/union or rather a "contract"...at least in the eyes of society.

Our relationship thru the yrs lost its pride, respect and the true love that blossoms from them. Paying bills, keeping good credit ect was just the visible material problem. The true problem was lying underneath...those 3 key elements that make a true marriage. When your mom wrote to me, she had assumed that I wasnt a good husband because I didnt adhere to the "marriage vows", in particular honor and respect in good times and bad...both of which we failed, not just me. Again, I do take the balme for not being firmer way back when I needed to be. Those very repressed and hopeless feelings that I allowed to grow in me came out in ways that should never have. That is one thing that I will always regret. The hurt in your eyes was,is horrible. I cant even look you in the eyes anymore. The hurt that lived in me was stretched out over many yrs. And has now been amplified from the destruction of our relationship within what is called "marriage".

I ask you to live your life. I dont ever want you to continue thru life as a bitter person. That would be awful and disrespectful to yourself. You owe it to yourself, BS. The focus is certainly on the well being of DS, but dont forget also that you have your life too. DS is and will always be filled with love from all sides. It will be even stronger now that everyone is focused on him. DS will be just fine. He will feed off of your feelings and moods, my feelings and moods as well as everyone around to some degree. It should never be negative but rather always enouraging and nurturing. I dont want DS to grow up in doubt and insecurity but rather gain strength, pride, courage, confidence and respect. He is aware of the situation and if he is filled with love and attention from all sides, he will gain all of those important traits to his personal growth. Please lets not hold him back because you and I are no longer together or because you and I, your family, my family and everyone else hurts. There is always fear that comes from change, but yet strength, courage and confidence await just around the corner. Beleive in yourself, BS. Be happy and find your peace. The sun will always come up and life will go on. You will always be his mother, no one else can and will never be allowed to replace you as his mother. And I will always be his father.

TR,
That's fine. I still see him pouring out his guilt, and sadness.

DO NOT REPLY.

Remember...you are in PLAN B.

again...DO NOT REPLY.

Stop thinking every action or reaction on his part is the final deal breaker...that can't be further from the truth.

STAY DARK...VERY DARK....AS DARK AS YOU CAN GET.

Do not let anyone take information back to him about your attitude or well being !

You are okay...you're doing good.

one more time DO NOT REPLY !!

I will not respond. I will block him from sending me anymore mail. I am just so angry!!!!!!! I can't believe my life has come to this. I am going to try and be strong without him in my life!

Great, you're thinking the right way.
Block the email address, don't respond, live a happy healthy life with your son.

Staying in Plan B, will force your H's fantasy to crash and burn.

I just read that email and I feel No love for me at all! I don't know if he will come out of the fog. I truly beleive that he is done with this marriage! Did your WH say anything like what my H is saying?

What an arrogant SOB. That even ticks me off.

If I were you I would do exactly as he says, and to h*ll with him.

Do you have a punching bag. It would definately come in handy right now...how about a tennis racket - go beat the mattress with it.

That arrogant letter makes me want to go home and put a picture of his face on my mattress and beat it with my racket.

(sorry, little vent of my own there)

I wish I had a punching bag! I did beat the pillows up pretty good though.
How can I love this man? At this point I see no future with him. It makes me so sad because he used to be such a sweet and caring person. I thought he would be the last person on earth to treat me this way. I just don't understand how people change so drastically.
I truly hate him right now. I don't even know if I want to save this marriage at this point. If he wants me to live my life....then so be it!!! If I meet someone else in the meantime...well, his loss!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did your WH say anything like what my H is saying?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely.

TR,

My FWH (6 weeks into recovery)said ALL of these things during the course of the A--"you need to move on, you should date, you're a good mother and the kids get their strength from you, the kids will be OK if they see that we (meaning H) are happy (???). The list goes on. These calm efforts on his part would change drastically the next day (or minute). Don't be fooled by his calmness--he's rationalizing, feeling guilty. Don't feed into it!!

STAY DARK!!!! I know it's hard, but try to keep busy. I found the first 3 days of Plan B sooooo excruciating, but a sense of complete calmness and empowerment would wash over me the 4th day (very nice). As you can see, I had to do 2 plan Bs. WH called within 3 days of the first one and I believed him.

After breaking the first planB it made me realize just how powerful it is. Not only does it remove you from the obsessive thoughts and chaos (it really does) but it makes the WH think more. Also, there's nothing like a good plan b the first time around. WSs get a thicker skin if you have to repeat it. Also, it shows WH just how strong you are--and thats very important to show them. You can move on.

SO STAY DARK, DARK, DARK. It's torture at first, but you will start feeling much better soon.

Good luck!!!!!

TreeReich -

I have lots of letters using almost the same words from my WH. My WH said blah, blah, blah, and blah, blah, blah too. Then he continued with blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

This is just another fog letter. Do you have the financial stuff figured out? Stay very, very dark.

Glad to hear that your WS said similar things. I cried and beat my pillows to death 30 min. ago but now I feel strong again! I have soooooooo much anger right now. It's so hard to deal with. I read so me more of Surviving and Affair last night. It does help me.
Are there any other books that I should read right now?
Yes, I have the finacial stuff figured out. He gets all the big bills and I'm trying to take care of mine. I am going to the bank to take his name off of my acct. I am also getting all of his belongings out of my home. I will put them in boxes and store them in the garage. I don't want any reminders of him right now. The thing that worries me is when my son start baseball......I will have to see WH. I guess I will just ignore him and be happy!
What else can I do?

Did anyone review your Plan B letter?

Tree (I hope you don't mind the abb.),

Well, this is my take...your husband seems to have a great sense of pride over his intelligence and writing style. I will give him this, he is very articulate, and I like his prose. Indeed, he has written a wonderful letter full of bullsh*t! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I know he is cutting you to pieces with his seeming logic. Here's my deal breaker on what he wrote you, in all of this, notice how he very carefully doesn't apply God to your marriage. He makes it a legal, man-made contract, nothing more. Hmmm, now, if that is how the two of you live your lives, then I support that aspect of his statement. However, if you two said your vows and were married under a 'religion' (trying to stay generic there), in my case Christianity, then a marriage is much much more than a joining of two peoples finances. Of course, he absolutely doesn't want to look at that side right now. I would evaluate what your marriage scenario was, and file it accordingly under which side you fall on. If you are a person of faith, then you should be able to see the FOG he is in, and then shrug off his statements. If you are not a person of faith, then, well, his statement seems pretty true, to me.

Secondly, his talk about your child. Ok, this is where I get mad. He continously tells himself and tries to brainwash you into believing that your child will be ok, just fine, no big deal. That's garbage. Someone needs to reveal to this 'supposed intellectual genius' the true statistical impact of divorice on childrens' lives, and how it pulls them down across all fronts. How it shakes them for every event they view from the divorice point on out in their lives, for just about 30 years. Seriously. Statistically, you put your children on the losing side the instant you divorice. It doesn't mean they can't turn out great and get great grades and marry and live wonderful, but, for some reason, the odds turn against them. Now, that isn't exactly what I strive for when I think about my kids...'hmm, how can I stack the cards against my kids?'

Take this for what it is, a piece deluded self-justification for his selfishness. Do not respond, just take pleasure in the fact that even when you sent him a plan b letter, he couldn't seem to take it for what it was, don't talk to me unless you are ready to conform to some distinct standards that every marriage should conform to. Hang in there, you can do it.

TR,

How nice of him to "care" about your feelings while he is in the midst of his A. He is doing this because he wants you to be happy? Just more justification for his poor behaivor.

I recieved much of the same a few months ago, now nothing but venom spews from my WW mouth.

Stay dark, he hasn't filed yet. Are you protecting yourself financially?

Thank you!
Yes, I am a christian and we were married in a church under God! I'm so glad to get everyone's opinion on his letter. I can't seem to read it without hurting and feeling that it is all true. I do see that he is trying to justify his actions. It amazes me how he can keep saying that our son will be just fine. His brother went through a horrible divorce and he has seen the impact it has had on his neices. This is what shocks me. He knows our son won't be "fine".
I just can't seem to understand why he wouldn't want to fight to save his family. This is not the man I married.
My plan B letter was pretty short but to the point. I wasn't mean and I told him that I love him and will be here for him. It was really short.
He thinks I'm weak because I haven't left him. He thinks I should respect myself and move on. That really ticks me off. I am a very strong woman and I'm a fighter. He knows this about me but yet is trying to make me feel as if I'm weak and don't have any self worth.
How long should I stay in plan B before I decide to just leave the marriage?

Can we see the letter?

How long should I stay in plan B before I decide to just leave the marriage?

Actually, Harley suggests Plan B for two years.
But you already know this from reading "Surviving An Affair", correct?

<small>[ August 20, 2004, 11:38 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

TR, it's kind of the point here is that the WS's say all these things. i have not plan B'd my H because that's exactly what he would have wanted. we don't have kids so i didn't think it would have been effective anyway. i got a similar letter a few days ago. i posted a portion of it on this forum w/the title "letter from H, I've been plan B'd...."

you know it's all fog talk and it's all about him making himself feel better. maybe it's better to think you did the plan B first <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> anyway, just wanted to pop in and offer support and hope you are able to stick to your guns and stay dark. why? because you are better then him and you want to come out smelling like roses. follow your words w/actions, prayers to you, RR

Tree,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> your husband seems to have a great sense of pride over his intelligence and writing style. I will give him this, he is very articulate, and I like his prose. Indeed, he has written a wonderful letter full of bullsh*t! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I felt this same way. I was impressed with the letter, he actually sounds intelligent.

He honestly seems to be thinking he can fool you with the words he chooses to write. How insulting.

Your DS will be fine, I want to poke his eyes out!!!! Nice try WH, but it don't fly here.

Stay dark, no replies, he has all ready disrespected your wishes with this mail.
UGH!!! How arrogant.

Plan B for you!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

{{{TreeReich}}}

KY

Yes Believer, blah, blah, blah, blah....

They really all do come from the same mother ship, don't they. I've been here about 4 months and am now starting to see the correlation.

I actually don't find him intelligent at all, he is without soul and wisdom. His letter is simply an echo of the BS he must fill his mind with, in order to sleep with himself and his little OW.

What ticked me off about the letter, aside from it's tone of arrogance, was that he is still crying about how unhappy he was in the marriage, wah, wah, wah. So like the coward he is, he had to wait for an affiar to come along to find his balls, and leave. Instead of being a man and fixing the marriage that had him such pain. Wah, wah, wah...

Weaver,
I agree with you! I used to think that my H was a very smart man but now I see a different side of him. What a jerk!!!!! He has some serious issues to deal with. He tells me that he is at peace with himself and he is happy. How in the hell can he be at peace when he's causing such pain?
I don't care about him today...my parents and sister are on there way to visit me and I plan on having a great weekend. My dad is taking us all out to eat and we're going shopping!!!
I WILL SURVIVE!!!!! I play that song every morning!!!!