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<small>[ September 09, 2004, 03:56 PM: Message edited by: Tenn25 ]</small>

Tenn,

Welcome to the forum. Gosh I hate to say what I am about to...but I doubt with all my being that you have the whole story about these "dates". I want to present my biases upfront so let me say this: My husband also used to take trips to Asia...you cannot imagine what is "available" there....in the end, it almost destroyed us. If I had not accidentally found evidence of his activities....I would probably still not know the truth. I think you should dig a little deeper. Look at his credit card bills from those times. Look for descrepencies. "Dates" in Asia....are often paid for. Their "nice" to the guys...but that doesn't make them "nice girls". I'm so sorry.

The good news....is that you can get past this. The pain does subside over time IF and ONLY IF you can create a good recovery plan that includes honesty and accountability. If you don't get the truth and safeguard your marriage...there are no consequences to actions...which makes it more likely they will be repeated. Stop worrying about how mad he will be if you bring it up. Remain respectful and don't love bust...but get the whole story.

I'm so sorry. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

You can forgive...but, you'll NEVER forget! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

From what you have disclosed here I'd say you don't know the whole truth. Recovery for the BS is very difficult when the BS doesn't have the whole story.

An A (doesn't matter how many or what type) will have a permanent effect/change on any relationship. You won't be able to "just get over it". The WS through their actions and choices, not their words, need to prove the are trustworthy again. The WS needs to help the BS, in any way they can to recover from the trauma the A causes.

It is important for a BS to set boundaries of what they will and won't tolerate in a M.

As well, any behaviour that a spouse keeps secret from the other spouse...well, let's just say they know it's wrong!

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<small>[ September 09, 2004, 03:59 PM: Message edited by: Tenn25 ]</small>

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<small>[ September 14, 2004, 02:00 PM: Message edited by: Tenn25 ]</small>

Hi Tenn,

Have you and your H been in MC?

I struggled with may of the same questions that you've asked... except that I KNEW that certain physical acts occured...

I don't say this to minimize the pain that you are feeling... I know your pain is real. And I know that you are hurting.

I kept telling our MC that I just HAD to know all the answers to my questions... Our MC asked me one day if I actually did get the 100% truth, would it change my desire to rebuild our M. I told him that no, it wouldn't change my desire to rebuild... He asked me how I would know if my W's answer was 100% true? I couldn't answer that question... There was really no way that I would ever know if it was the "truth" or not...

He told me to act "as if" I already knew the answers, grieve my losses, then focus on rebuilding our M. This doesn't mean that my W got off scott free... I didn't reach this point until after a good, solid year of MC.

That's why I asked if you and your H were in MC... IMHO, if you truly want to start rebuilding your M, you and your H must get professional help in dealing with both of your feelings...

Hope this helps...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

This "gut feeling" that I'm not getting the entire truth won't go away. But what if he has told me the truth?

If he's being truthful, he will not become defensive or hostile or silent when you question him. If he's being truthful, he will turn himself inside-out so you can take a look yourself at all his private areas ... and see his innocence. If he's being truthful, he will give you access to his cell phone messages, his email accounts, and he will show you the credit card paper trail himself.

Chances are, reading what you have written so far, he's covering up something ... and you don't know yet what it is.

Pep