I'll make this short. A year ago my husband had an affair w/ a co-worker. I told him he'd have to leave his job and he finally did that 2 mths ago. However, he now thinks this "leaving the job" thing was a quick fix and we're all done. He says "time will heal everything", "counselors are overpaid listeners", "we can fix our marriage on our own". I'm the exact opposite. I'm so hurt I want to talk to someone about my pain and try to get help in dealing w/ the anger. I'm lost when it comes to forgiving him and then not holding it against him. We've been to one marriage seminar and they gave us the "tools" to help our marriage work but he's not using them, so I've refused to use them. He's only willing to cooperate when he sees me being all loving and affectionate towards him and, frankly, I have NO desire to be loving and affectionate towards someone unwilling to try everything to make the marriage work. Any ideas on how to get him to cooperate and go to counseling, read books, etc? Anything you can recommend to help me? Am I the problem here? Do I just need to buck-up and be the loving forgiving wife and "hope" he starts treating me good. I think if I have to be the strong one it will eat at me and cause more anger than I already have. Please help, we have 4 kids, been married only 6yrs and I'm hrs from filing for separation or packing a suitcase for him and changing the locks.....

JHF,

Does your H read books?

His Needs/Her Needs is one to get the idea started that change is needed.

Maybe he needs being hit on the head with a 2 by 4 i.e. you saying goodby with your bags in the car, to understand you are serious.

Tell him a therapist is cheaper than rent and deposits on your new apartment.
k

<small>[ August 20, 2004, 10:59 AM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

we have the book his needs/her needs and have read them, he's just not applying anything he's learned. i'm wondering if packing my bags (or his actually) is the only solution, although he's a lot like his dad - doesn't care much about anything until it's so serious it's unfixable.

i think regardless of whether or not your H gets into counseling, you need to if you're not already. i say that because of what you stated "I'm so hurt I want to talk to someone about my pain and try to get help in dealing w/ the anger. I'm lost when it comes to forgiving him and then not holding it against him." as well as asking if you were the problem and what else you could do.

i can only compare to my situation and what i've read on MB but sometimes it helps for one spouse to go to counseling work on the own issues and do a little marriage coaching as well then get your H hooked on counseling because it's something that will help YOU. but in all actuality it is to help him as well. steve harley has helped me w/this approach and i believe that's why i was able to "get" my husband to talk to SH 2 times was because of this approach. plus i had already had several sessions w/SH prior to my H speaking to him.

so it might help to find a C who does IC and MC. start w/IC then once you can sell your H on going to counseling as a way to help you then the same C will also help w/the MC or even your H's C, which it sounds like he needs. good luck and prayers to you, RR

JHF, do you want to save your marriage?

If you think you can put down your anger, albeit very rightful, I think we can help you. If not, there is not much anyone can do. Can you do it?