All my fellow MB'ers out there. It's time to move on--in the words of a friend, "It's time to roll up the sleeves and rebuild a marriage."
I thank you for all of the time, advice, 2X4's (as needed), comfort, laughter, etc. that basically everyone has given to me. It has helped to vent, tell my story, share war stories, even debate a bit. But it's time I transfer this energy to my wife.
I'm not sure if this appropriate or not, but felt I could write this letter using this medium--I've spent so much time with you all, that it's a letter to all of you as well.
Brown:
You are right: I spend the time on this site what I should be expressing and sharing with you. Sometimes, sweetie, I just don't know how. I know communication is #1 on our list. I thought by using this site, I could express my feelings and thoughts and know that you would be reading them. I don't know. Maybe it is just another way of me escaping reality once again. But, I am sorry if it hurts you. I am listening. It's time to work on us.
I have many thoughts and fears about this journey we have started. I also have hope--something I haven't had in a long while.
We have many issues and hurdles to overcome. It seems, well, overwhelming at times. And through all of the pain and trials and tribulations and some happy endings on MB, it has made me stronger and see the light. The fear? Is it a "freight train coming my way?" I dunno. But I-you-we-need to find out. We'll deal with the wreck--if it is to happen--when the time comes.
With all of the bulls$hit we've been through these past 6 or so years, I am only beginning to find out the real you. And another fear? I really even haven't begun to find the real me yet. I think he's a good guy: caring, loving, nurturing, fun, etc, blah blah blah. I also don't know what issues will be rising once I rebegin counseling. I know I have issues with just about everything.
I know my gambling has been a focal point of your hatred to me. (No other way of putting it. Well, OK, maybe "disdain." Comes down to the same result, though.) Know that I understand and want to change and as you already know, I can beat this demon. I want to beat this demon. And I will. And I'm sorry for all of the pain this one issue has caused you and the kids.
I'm sorry for turning cold for all of those years. At first, I didn't know what I was dealing with. Then it became a matter of, you just didn't want anything to do with me. (And I know--it was the depression--it was not *you.*) But, please don't ever say I never wanted to help you etc. etc. No, at first, I could have been even more supportive. But WTF did I know about this whole thing? I don't know if I ever expressed it, but, there were times when I thought *I* caused this. I did the best I could, under the circumstances. And it got to be too much after awhile--OK, after years. And, no, I could have been more open to what I was feeling. But, put yourself in my shoes: you just had a nervous breakdown, your dealing with depression, I'm delaing with a P/A but had no clue at the time, and I'm doing *everything*--even the finances. (Uh, duh--leaving a gambler in charge of money is *not* a good thing.) But you were lucky if you got up out of bed some mornings. I hate cliches, but, twenty-twenty is hindsight. And I couldn't take it aymore. Rather than telling you how I felt, I crwled further into my own world, my own shell, finding any escape I could. How long *was* your recovery supposed to take? I know I shouldn't have been asking that myself, but I did. And you factor in what "everything" is, and maybe you can understand a little better where I was. (I still don't think you do fully understand. Not that I know you're not sorry--I do, I do. But I really don't think you--as you say--walked in my shoes.) And I just went along with everything: Baltimore. Even "the bank." You think I did that for me? Yeah, it was to try and better a secure future and to advance me. But, did I even tell you this was probably the last "conversations" I had with Dad. Maybe that's why I get so insulted and hurt when you talk so angrily about it. And I know the reasons behind "why" you do. But again, did you ever look at it from my perspective?
And all this time, I was doing my best David Blain impressions. And I sure scared the $hit out of you too, sometimes. (You always thought he was the devil anyway! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) If it wasn't gambling, it was soccer. Or work. Or the computer. Or...or...or. I'm sorry. I didn't want to face how f^cked up we really were. (And me--just by myself.)
And a friendship I had went too far. You asked me even today, how did I know? And hwo was it anappropriate? And how far did it go? The mere fact that I was sharing me and my thoughts with someone other than you which I learned real well not to do, was wrong. But to answer your question (which I thought I did already): yes, I started to have "feelings" for her and vice-versa. That in itslef, again, was inappropriate. "The moment" as you like to refer to was when the one night we were talking and the topic came to our spouses and then we verbalized that "the line" had been crossed. WTF? She wasn't my wife. She was in no way going to help me fix my marriage. And it wasn't appropriate for her to even hear it. And I'm sorry. And, as you already know, I don't believe in coincindences. By the grace and mercy of God you found that email. The email that said we shouldn't be doing this. The only bit of evidence you ever found that "somehow" was not deleted. Like i told you, when I came to MB, I wasn't looking to rebuild the marriage--I was looking for an answer on what I should do at that time with the three of us in mind. I needed an initial 2X4 by ark^ (whether intentional or not) to snap me out of it. And I prayed a few nights previous for wisdom: not only did I find MB, but right after that, you found the email.
And now we are here. I'm not completely liking "here." But it is certainly much better than "where we were." I want to get to "there." though. I still find myself having things thrown in my face from the past. Yes, you are right: some are just needed to be reminded to me of what I have done that I f^cked up and a "reminder" to not do them again. Others, hon, feel like they are vindictive. I'm trying to deal with this P/A and you the best I can. But know, this is why sometimes I say not a damn word--for fear, of in the future, those words will somehow be thrown right back at me instead of moving forward. Some are justified. Others I scratch my head.
I meant what I said this morning: next time we have a "discussion", I think I need to bring a pad with me. I don't have the immediate memory as you--especially after the night I had last night and how you woke me this morning--and I need to respond to you--it's something you need, right? So yeah, I said it out of sarcasm, but maybe it'll do the both of us good--I won't feel the need to not say anything (as I'm "hit" with 20 different things) and you can see how biting (and at times hurtful) your words really are. Like I said, some--most--are warranted. And I know, you are only going by past experiences. I'm sorry you have to do that.
I want to work on us. We have a lot on our plate in the next few weeks and I want to make sure we think it *all* through and like you said get a budget together. It's exciting, but I'm very hesitant in getting my hopes up for anything these days.
I love you and I know we can somehow get on the same page again. But, we only just found the same book. Like H said, we still have a lot of weight to burn off. But know, that I'm willing to give my sweat (in mor ways than one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ), dirty my hands, and scrape my knuckles with as much blood as necessary to see what we got in us!
I hope this helps. I never meant to cause you any pain or harm or hurt or push you to the side. I'm sorry. I love you.
To my Mb'ers: I don't know how often I'll be back. But thank you. Especially: ark^, Pep, FM, RW, believer, FL, ol2. I know I'm leaving at least someone out and I apologize. But, *all* of you, somehow in your own way, have helped me (/us) with the ultimate marital demon we refer to as an affair.
Best wishes and God bless to all of you. I'll be checkin' in to see how you all are doing from time to time.
That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
