Dear WH,

I have known you would change my life since the day you walked into it eleven years ago. In the years we have been together we have laughed, cried, grown, struggled, loved and created a beautiful family. Marrying you, building a family and creating our future has been and continues to this day to be the most important aspect of my life.

Along the way though, I realize that we settled into some unhealthy patterns. I have looked at my role in what has brought us to this point and I am truly sorry. My insecurities have caused me to treat you in a way that was not always respectful. My need to be right lengthened many arguments and caused you to be the one to swallow your pride to end the argument. I should have said I was sorry when I was instead of turning things onto you. As I have realized and told you, it was easier to forgive you than myself and rather than accept my own weakness, I allowed these issues to become habit. There are more, but I think these are the big ones. I have been and continue to work on these things. It is my deepest desire to work on this together, for our marriage and myself. I want us to be able to walk forward, hand in hand, beside our children in a marriage stronger and more committed to fulfilling each other’s needs than ever before.

For this to happen though, your relationship with OW must end. We can not repair or rebuild our marriage with her in between us. I feel that you understand the pain that your relationship with her causes me and I can not continue to put myself in that position. I have told you that I am willing to do anything to save our marriage. I also told you that going to San Antonio to see OW while working on our relationship was counter-productive and unacceptable for me. I can not stop you from the choices you make, but I can control my reaction to them. For that reason, I must ask you to not contact me at all. Since you are reading this, you have left for San Antonio. I will not be at the airport to pick you up should you return. Our home is not open to you at this time and the locks will be changed immediately. I ask that you not call, email, write or otherwise attempt to contact me unless you are willing to have NC with OW. I am doing this to salvage and protect the love I do have for you, WH. At this time, that is my number one priority. The pain of this A could destroy that love and I don’t want that to be the consequence of my unwillingness to take the steps I need to guard it. X can arrange contact with the children until the girls arrive to live with you and OW at the end of September.

Please understand that I do love you and want to create a more wondrous marriage than we had ever imagined. In my heart you are still my future. You have the key to open the door, WH. When you are ready to fully commit to the restoration of our family by ending the A and agreeing to not contact OW, I will be here to welcome you and work to that end.

I'd shorten the middle paragraph a bit and make the last one longer. Put more "oomph" into it & mke it more warm and heartfelt

<small>[ August 20, 2004, 01:50 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

In agreement with Chris....

Take out anything that could remotely be percieved as an attack....such as:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I also told you that going to San Antonio to see OW while working on our relationship was counter-productive and unacceptable for me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The PBL is intended to be a love letter. It can potentially (take me, for example) be the last communication for some time with you WH. Make sure that the message you are sending is crystal clear.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
1 - You love him.
2 - You want to stay married.
3 - You are sorry for your part in bringng the marriage to the state it is. Also that you are learning (ala MB) how to make a relationship better and take into account the other persons feelings with all your actions.
4 - You have to cut off all contact because of the pain of his continued affair.
5 - You will agree to contact again when he gives up the affair and agrees to discuss what is needed for reconciliation.
6 - You love him.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also, what is this?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> X can arrange contact with the children until the girls arrive to live with you and OW at the end of September. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Forgive my ignorance, as I'm not up on the details of your situation. Is there a reason that your kids will be living with OW while you're still married?

Ethan

Good points.... I'll be working on that letter today. Thank you.

Faith - Chris is the expert, so listen to him. And make it very short because the WS's have a very short attention span.

updated letter.... still too long? Where should I cut?

Dear WH,

I have known you would change my life since the day you walked into it eleven years ago. In the years we have been together we have laughed, cried, grown, struggled, loved and created a beautiful family. Marrying you, building a family and creating our future has been and continues to this day to be the most important aspect of my life.

Along the way though, I realize we settled for less than we should have. I have looked at my role in what has brought us to this point and I am truly sorry. My insecurities have caused me to treat you in a way that was not always respectful. My need to be right lengthened many arguments. You were often the one to swallow your pride to end the argument. As I have realized and told you, it was easier to forgive you than myself. I am working on these personal issues for myself. I hope to work together on how they affect our marriage. I want us to be able to walk forward, hand in hand, beside our children in a marriage stronger and more committed to fulfilling each other’s needs than ever before.

For this to happen though, your relationship with OW must end. We can not repair or rebuild our marriage with her in between us. I feel that you understand the pain that your relationship with her causes me and I can not continue to put myself in that position. I have told you that I am willing to do anything to save our marriage. For that reason, I must ask you to not contact me at all. I am doing this to salvage and protect the love I do have for you, WH. At this time, that is my number one priority. The pain of this affair and the continued contact you maintain with her, could destroy that love and I don’t want that to be the consequence of my unwillingness to take the steps I need to guard it. Elizabeth will relay any arrangements concerning your time with the children.

Please understand that I love you and want to create a more wondrous marriage than we had ever imagined. In my heart you are still my future. The last week has made me realize just how possible it is for us to restore our marriage. As soon as you lowered your walls the intimacy, fun and friendship began to grow. It has slowly but surely continued to. I never imagined we would enjoy an afternoon in the living room like we did this soon:) I didn't expect to laugh and joke and feel comfortable with you so quickly after you truly started to try. You said yourself it was so much more than you expected to feel. You have allowed me to no longer hold myself back with thoughts of what we could expect in our future. My hope is experience love beyond our expectations. Wh, I want to protect you, care for you, spend my time with you, grow with you, share with you and build a friendship to last the rest of our lives. You are my (petname). I want you to always be.

To achieve any of those hopes, I need you to respect my wish to end any communication. When you are ready to fully commit to the restoration of our family by ending the A and agree to not contact OW in any way, I will be here to welcome you with open arms.

You are my husband, my love and my future.

I'm glad you took out the part about sending the girls to live with him in September. That could give them a bond to prepare for the girls to arrive.

Nothing binds two people better than a common enemy. With this letter you've not become the enemy.

Instead of "ending any communication" how about "all communication" as it's just more definite. Third paragraph, next to the last sentence beginning with the words "and I don't..." might be taken out. It portrays you as being "unwilling" to take steps to guard your love. On the contrary, you are taking steps to guard your love for him. Also you could add that Elizabeth will not only relay information about the time he spends with the children but their needs too. It'll eliminate an excuse for him to contact you. (i.e. health insurance, medical bills, etc.)

Faith,

I agree with jph on the edit. That line about unwillingness had me scratching my head. Shorten it to:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithinme:
<strong> The pain of this affair and the continued contact you maintain with her, could destroy that love.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think the letter sounds great. Be strong

~ Snow

jph and Snowbelle - good advice. I made both changes. Thank you!

Dear WH,

I have known you would change my life since the day you walked into it eleven years ago. In the years we have been together we have laughed, cried, grown, struggled, loved and created a beautiful family. Marrying you, building a family and creating our future has been and continues to this day to be the most important aspect of my life.

Along the way though, I realize we settled for less than we should have. I have looked at my role in what has brought us to this point and I am truly sorry. My insecurities have caused me to treat you in a way that was not always respectful. My need to be right lengthened many arguments. You were often the one to swallow your pride to end the argument. As I have realized and told you, it was easier to forgive you than myself. I am working on these personal issues for myself. I hope to work together on how they affect our marriage. I want us to be able to walk forward, hand in hand, beside our children in a marriage stronger and more committed to fulfilling each other’s needs than ever before.

For this to happen though, your relationship with OW must end. We can not repair or rebuild our marriage with her in between us. I feel that you understand the pain that your relationship with her causes me and I can not continue to put myself in that position. I have told you that I am willing to do anything to save our marriage. For that reason, I must ask you to not contact me at all. I am doing this to salvage and protect the love I do have for you, WH. At this time, that is my number one priority. The pain of this affair and the continued contact you maintain with her, could destroy that love. Elizabeth will relay any arrangements concerning your time with the children and their needs.

Please understand that I love you and want to create a more wondrous marriage than we had ever imagined. In my heart you are still my future. The last week has made me realize just how possible it is for us to restore our marriage. As soon as you lowered your walls the intimacy, fun and friendship began to grow. It has slowly but surely continued to. I never imagined we would enjoy an afternoon in the living room like we did this soon:) I didn't expect to laugh and joke and feel comfortable with you so quickly after you truly started to try. You said yourself it was so much more than you expected to feel. You have allowed me to no longer hold myself back with thoughts of what we could expect in our future. My hope is experience love beyond our expectations. Wh, I want to protect you, care for you, spend my time with you, grow with you, share with you and build a friendship to last the rest of our lives. You are my (petname). I want you to always be.

To achieve any of those hopes, I need you to respect my wish to end any communication. When you are ready to fully commit to the restoration of our family by ending the A and agree to not contact OW in any way, I will be here to welcome you with open arms.

You are my husband, my love and my future.

How about something in there about that you really considered his "compromise" but you know in your heart that if you agree to his plan, and allow his coming and going, and accept calls from him while he is there with her, that your love for him will sorely weaken. And you don't want to take that chance. Something like that.

~ Snow

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Snowbelle:
<strong> How about something in there about that you really considered his "compromise" but you know in your heart that if you agree to his plan, and allow his coming and going, and accept calls from him while he is there with her, that your love for him will sorely weaken. And you don't want to take that chance. Something like that.

~ Snow </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with Snowbelle on this, because as I understand it, you will be sending OW/Child a cc: of your Plan B letter.

So, adding an excerpt regarding his "Compromise Plan" will indirectly inform her of his intention to continue to eat cake from both of you.

I'm not sayng you should add it solely to inform OW/child FiM, it's main goal is to let your WH know why, after careful consideration, you cannot go with his "C-Plan".

I would also paraphrase what Snowbelle wrote by shortening it, but her context pretty much nailed it.

The rest of the letter looks good to me.

Re-read it a few times yourself to verify it's a "lighthouse" for him to follow once he's ready to return, because he won't be able to contact you at all. This letter is his love-letter-roadmap.

Good job, FiM!

I pray for you and your family every night.

Jo

<small>[ August 28, 2004, 08:05 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>