My H has stated the only way to contact him is via email so the ball is in his court and so be it. there are lots of issues to be addressed which he has seem to neglect in his last letter to me. i actually won't be able to read any replies until monday. i think it's pretty good, there's probably an LB in there but at this point i almost think i deserve to LB. anyway here it is and thanks in advance for the advice and POV, RR

WH,

I received and read your letter and I am contacting you in the way you have asked. The only thing I would like to address regarding your letter is that you thanked me for the man that you have become today. Well if I have made you become an adulterer and a man that does not want to honor his commitments and responsibilities, I would rather not be thanked for this.

There are many issues that need to be addressed and cannot be solved without talking to each other. I would like to think that as adults we would be able to discuss these things over the phone because they both concern us but obviously you do not feel the same way and this is unfortunate. Please respect me in replying to my emails so that I know that you have received the information and they have not been intercepted or disregarded.

Aside from the house payment I have been paying approximately $900 a month on bills that we both have accumulated and would like to know what your intentions are regarding these. They are as follows and does not include all the bills that I pay on a monthly basis:

USAA credit card #1 $75/month
USAA credit card #2 84/month
1st command loan $402/month
Insurance-home, auto, life, health $315/month

There are many things to be considered with the house and I’m not sure what your expectations are at this time. If you are moving out, then who is going to be responsible for the upkeep (keeping the lawn mowed, running water, maintaining temperature), repairs, and utilities until the house is sold? If it is your desire to put the house on the market as is then that is one way to go. However, there will still need to be maintenance done until the house is sold and an appraisal will need to be performed before we can close on the house and this will probably not be less than $250. Since you are physically in the area I don’t think it is unreasonable to expect that you will take care of these things but I would like to receive a confirmation that this is agreed upon. If the house is put on the market as is and does not sell after say 2-3months and is recommended that we make some home improvements, then who will responsible for this? We had previously obtained an estimation to have some minor repairs done and you had said that those would be taken care of once the house is to be put on the market. Has your position changed now? There are other things as well that could be done to improve the sell of the house such as finishing the rock bed and weeding it, power washing the driveway, and the cement area outback, as well as the outside of the house, and filling in the holes in the back yard. I also noticed that there was a screen that was not in the window when I was at the house last and was unable to replace this myself. Of course there are also the inside issues of cleaning windows, cabinets, floors, and the garage etc.

You have also stated previously that you would be taking care of the multiple phone bills and my cell phone contract and as of today I am still receiving phone bills and have not received the cell phone bill and authorization to the account.

Please let me know what your intentions are asap so that I can make any necessary arrangements. Thanks, roughroad

rr, maybe you *do* deserve to LB and maybe it's time to do just that..but I guess I also wonder what your end goal with your H is? You said earlier that you were not ready to burn bridges yet, but I do feel you are burning some in this email. Please understand that I am not trying to counsel you because I understand that when you feel there is not much hope, the need to lash out is very real and very strong. I personally suggest that you take out that first paragraph but leave the rest of the letter the way it is. The rest of the letter is very business-like and I do not see anything in there indicating your pain and hurt. This is good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It shows your commitment to your plan B and ALSO shows your respect for HIS plan B.

I don't know. I totally understand where your first paragraph comes from and I know that I myself will reach this point eventually..but make no mistake about it being a burnt bridge..or at least the the fire is just warming up.

But if you truly feel that now is the time for closure with your H, then maybe the LB's will help you, at least for now, but I think you might regret them later.

Dear RR,

I like the letter but I don't know either about LBing. I am no expert.

I have been thinking about you all day.

I keep coming back the marriage vows...for better or for worse and the idea that being human we will all in some way fail periodically in fulfilling these vows-this is an expected reality of marriage-obviously so since the vows spell out the ups and downs of life.

Then I think of you and your husband...you both had failures in the past but only one of you is willing to ABANDON the vows. Failing at the vows, not great but understandable-we learn from our failures, but ABANDONING the vows is unexceptable.

Your changes seem to have affected him greatly. Your not even physically present and even the idea of you tests his resolve resulting in his ridiculous letter.

You are right to be offended with his thanks. You are not responsible for his adultery. This alone is bad enough but he amazingly wants to excuse the young woman he has involved in his sin.

Maybe acknowledge his pain but suggest the reality of the pain is not rooted in the trials of the past but in the errors of his present.

prayers to you and yours,

ayslyne

maddy and ayslyne,
thank you both for your replies. i'm still kind of torn about the first 2 paragraphs. i wish my appt w/SH was sooner (it's friday) but i just don't feel like i can wait that long before sending an email to my H. i say that because if he doesn't agree to do the things w/the house then i have to get down there and take care of stuff and i don't want the house to go unkept or un-monitored more then it has already.

maybe it's just splitting hairs but maybe i could reword the paragraphs a little. it will probably still be an LB but maybe the "slap in the face" won't be as bad. i don't know maybe i'll save the comment for later. so here is the revised versions.

"I received and read your letter and I am contacting you in the way you have asked. The only thing I would like to address is that you thanked me for the man that you have become today. I would rather not be thanked for helping you to become an adulterer and a man that does not want to honor his commitments and responsibilities.

There are many issues that need to be addressed and cannot be solved without talking to each other. Please respect me in replying to my emails so that I know that you have received the information and they have not been intercepted or disregarded."

How do these sound? again probably not a whole lot of difference and i'm still not sure what i should include or not. thanks.

rr, I've actually been thinking about this a lot.

You know, you DO have boundaries and one of the things your husband has said is that he doesn't understand your lack of respect for yourself (we know that is not true, but it's what he sees). Perhaps you shouldn't change what you have to say from the original letter. Just say to yourself, "If there is even a sliver of hope left for us, is this something I'll be okay with saying? If we get a divorce, will I regret saying it?" From the outside looking in, I do not feel that you would regret saying this in either of those situations.

And is it REALLY and lb? There is no disrepectful judgement, no outburst, no demand. You are simply stating a fact and asking him to respect your boundary.

rr, you know i'm just as messed up as you so take that with a grain of salt. Think on it and pray on it and if you still feel that it's something that needs to be said, then go for it.

<small>[ August 23, 2004, 09:18 AM: Message edited by: maddyk ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I received and read your letter and I am contacting you in the way you have asked. The only thing I would like to address regarding your letter is that you thanked me for the man that you have become today. Well if I have made you become an adulterer and a man that does not want to honor his commitments and responsibilities, I would rather not be thanked for this.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think SH will have a good idea for this. I totally I.D. with your wish to communicate this. How about something like, "If I helped you move ahead in your education, I'm glad for that, but perhaps you should thank OW for making you the man you are today."

Okay, that's snotty. I couldn't help myself. I think maybe you could tell him this in a more loving way. The way it's worded is sort of like "J'ACCUSE!"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
There are many issues that need to be addressed and cannot be solved without talking to each other. I would like to think that as adults we would be able to discuss these things over the phone because they both concern us but obviously you do not feel the same way and this is unfortunate. Please respect me in replying to my emails so that I know that you have received the information and they have not been intercepted or disregarded.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd rip out everything after "because they concern both of us".

As for the details about finances, there is no way you're going to be able to hash these out with email. I tried that myself, and it quickly became very frustrating. I wouldn't even try. Tell him it's too complicated for email, and if he wants to involve lawyers in the process that's fine with you, but it may be worthwhile to have a conversation before you start having to pay legal fees.

RR, I want you to refuse to exhaust yourself trying to cover all these details in a written document that your foggified WH will end up just skimming and reacting emotionally to anyway.

GC

<small>[ August 23, 2004, 09:30 AM: Message edited by: graycloud ]</small>

Rough -

can you request a meeting with a mediator to discuss in person?

Gray's right you'll never figure this out in an email.

You've done so good not LB'n through all of this....hold out a little longer.

Asked SH the next time you meet with him if it's healthy for you to do all of this and never express anger to your H...never express hurt like you want to...Plan A is good but at this point it just doesn't seem healthy. Does that make sense?

I know you want to scream! I want to scream for you. I know i have to be more in control of my emotions so maybe I'm not the best person to say these things to you.

Personally I'd want to break a record for the worst LB in the history of time....but that wouldn't get your M back and it wouldn't get you any closer to your goals.

I thought about you a lot this weekend. I know you've been praying during all of this. I've started praying that God's will be done in your life.

Not bring Mr. RR back...but God let your will be done. That's something my pastor's wife talked to me about. Don't pray to do what you want to do but pray for His will to be done. Hand this over to God and let him carry you. Let your faith hold you up...this is probably the worst time during all of this for you and I only wish I could be there with you.

MK, well i guess that's just the thing i don't know what to think. i've been pretty passive through all this, which is complete opposite to my nature and i do feel like i have lost some of my identity. i do like who i have become but at the same time H still doesn't get it. so whether how this will be taken by him, not sure, don't know if i should even care.

GC, i did revise the 2nd paragraph and cut that part out. it is complicated to do through email and don't feel like all the issues will be worked out. however, i don't really want to threaten w/a lawyer. i rather just have one in my arsenault and then when it's necessary sick him on the necessary parties.

HW, i think i have been doing this (praying for God's will not my own). at the same time there are so many verses in the Bible that tell us to make our requests and desires known to God. so it's k ind of a fine line. it sounds like you're going to church again and that's great! and your pastor's wife is right on the money. i have tried to only ask people to pray for God's will in my life, in my H's life, and our M. i think this pretty much covers all the bases. it's definitely not in God's will for my H to continue his A, however, only God knows if it's his will for my M to be mended.

thanks guys for all your support. i've decided to wait on the email for now. i have an appt w/a lawyer tomorrow at 0900 so i think i can at least wait until then and i'm sure he'll be able to advise me specific to my situation. but i still always appreciate the comments. i have let my H go but i'm still holding on the fact that if we worked on things together we could rebuild our M. no matter what happens, i'll be okay and i'm at peace most days. that's not to say i don't think about things but i'll just continue to do what i can for as long as i can. continued prayers to all, RR

RR,

One thing I wanted to address to you. Regarding the 1st paragraph of your letter, I know you said you were holding off on the e-mail until you saw your atty. Just in case you do want to send this e-mail, how about the 1st paragraph be revised to maybe something like, "Concerning you thanking me for turning you into the man you are today, the thanks should not be placed with me. I believe the choices you have made in your life have helped determine the kind of man you are today." That would take care of any DJs, and still show respect to your H as we are called, as wives, to do by God.

Just an idea.

RR, just checked in to try to catch up. Obviously I've fallen way behind with your story so I really can't add. But I'm glad you have been able to continue counseling with SH. You will always know you've done your best. Hope there's a miracle just around the next corner for you.

standingtogether,
all i have to say is WOW! that is a great way to say that sentence and i will definitely keep that in my pocket, God Bless!

WOE, thanks so much for thinking of me and checking in. i will try to continue to counsel w/SH but i just don't have the funds and w/lawyers fees something has got to give. i wondered if you were still counseling w/SH as well because i know you had had some concerns as to how your W would perceive this. continued prayers to you, RR

<small>[ August 24, 2004, 08:48 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

Rough -

My 2 cents....I like StandingTogether's revision of your 1st paragraph. I think with that modification the email sounds great and you should send it.

I wish I could hug you right now. Remember keep your chin up.

I also think the revision is great. It communicates your feelings without the "ouch"!