I am the betrayer. I am very much in love with my husband. This other relationship was a mistake when I was lonely. <P>The problem is, we made a connection-we fell in love, I thought. I think. I'm not sure. I know very well I don't want to spend my life with the OM, I prefer my husband. But I can't get him out of my head! I want to call him, I want to see him, but why? I want my marriage! I wish I could forget him. The affair didn't end on a bad note, just it was time to make our choice. We cried, and promised someday if at all possible we'd meet again. But until then, our spouses were the love of our lives.<P>I want to stop hurting. Why is w/d like this? How long does it last? How do I stop thinking of him?<P>

This is something I think I might know a little about. <P>My opinion: I think it takes just about as long as the affair lasted. For me, it lasted three months. It's been almost three months since it ended (though we have a kind of contact still because we work together). It's just now beginning to subside enough so that I think to call my H first with good or bad news, think of H first when I want a hug, think of H when I feel lonely...and honestly, and most importantly, I think of H more during the day than I think of the OM. <P>Hang in there, it does get easier.

New Beginnning, do you have icq? I'd love to chat...you sound like me. I haven't broken contact either, because H doesn't know it's someone he knows. We do things together and such. I know his wife, etc.<P>Thanks

wife2one,<P>Hi, welcome to the forum. You'll find this a pretty good place to come to.<P>I'm in the midst of awful withdrawal myself. It's truly a day to day thing. You are addicted to the OM. That's why you have this need to see him, call him, etc.<P>You kinda have to take an Alcoholics Anonymous approach to it. Every day you don't contact the OM, it's a victory for you. Yes, occasionally you will have a relapse and contact the OP (I've had a couple)... But you just start again and keep plugging away. My little method is that every time I want to email or talk to the OW, I come to this forum and post here instead (I've been posting ALOT!)... <P>I have no idea how long it lasts. Somewhere on this website, I think I remember Dr. Harley saying that it's usually around 3-5 weeks... But I've been in w/d for at least that long and it hasn't subsided yet.<P>Let me ask you -- why were you lonely? Does your husband know about the affair? Does he know you were even lonely before? Are you still lonely? The reason I ask is, you need to work on getting your marriage in shape so this won't happen to you again. I know from experience, cuz it's happened twice to me and the second time is even more devastating (for everyone involved!!)<P>--airheart<BR>

wife2one,<P>I, too, had an affair with a man whom, at the time, I thought I was "in love" with. My withdrawal was pre-empted by my discovery of my H's affair and how aggressively my H and I recommitted to rebuild our marriage. I will confer that it does get better with time. Give yourself and your marriage time to heal. But from what I've read, maintaining contact will only prolong the withdrawal, not to mention will prevent you and your H from establishing an open and honest marriage.

No ICQ, sorry. <P>Honestly though, I'm trying everything I can think of to totally break contact, including the possibility of quitting my job. I don't want to do it and have my H leave me anyway - NOT because of the other man, but because I can't make the kind of money I make here and survive without his income. I want to work out my marriage, but it's getting difficult (can't remember if you responded to my earlier post "Does anyone care?" but I explain circumstances there. Please read it if you get the chance.) <P>Your situation sounds awkward and truly awful. How are you going to break contact? I can at least quit my job, that is an option. The only way you can is to tell your H. I really feel for you!

Airheart, <BR>Yes he knew, I think he just didn't realize HOW lonely. We had a great relationship otherwise. I started feeling like I was doing all the giving and getting nothing back. No effort, etc. He's a great guy, I think he just gets easily distracted by work and hobbies, and forgets he needs to give me attention. I'm also very emotionally needy. The OM was very emotionally available to me, verbally and the like. He expressed his feelings so much it was like a rush. My H doesn't do that, or at least didn't, he's working on it.<P>I know the risks of this happening again and I won't let it. We're working very hard on it. My H does know about it, but not everything. There are some details I couldn't tell him for the protection of the OM's entire future/life. He decided NOT to tell his wife and I can't ruin his life. I just need to work this out myself with my H and forget the OM.<P>I think I've made progress in admitting I didn't want a lifetime commitment from this OM, I simply enjoyed his company. Addictive it was, for sure. The affection, the attention, telling me how beautiful and smart and the like I was. I miss the meetings and hours of phone conversation. I don't miss the guilt.<P>As far as contact goes, I have no control over that part. We run into him and/or his family once every couple of weeks. He knows my H pretty well, and our families occasionally do things together. It was fun at one time, the excitement of it all (when we were busy being selfish and not thinking of our spouses' needs) but now it just hurts.<P>Well, I think that's it for now.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Be Still and know that I am GOD.

wife2one,<P>I'm a fish out of water on this one I guess. I just don't see how you can make a marriage work without being completely honest about everything. When I found out about my H's affair, he didn't know about mine, but I confessed anyway because I couldn't have let him beat himself up, hate himself and be filled with the guilt of being the only one who betrayed. I had to let him off the hook. Also, since I wanted to know everything about his affair, I only thought it fair that I tell him everything about mine. It did cause some trouble for OM, but in choosing between what was best for my marriage and the OM's life, I chose my marriage.<P>But hey if your H accepts this and is still willing to rebuild, then what can I say? The maintained contact is scary though. Just know that if either his W or your H ever find out the truth, (and believe me, suspecting spouses have a way of finding out!!!) the fact that you continued the deception will make the betrayal 10 times worse.

wife2one,<P>What is your husband's opinion of the whole thing? I would think he'd want to have no contact with the OM ever again? He's still friends? wow!<P>I'm also a little confused as to why telling your husband everything would cause trouble for the OM's future/life. Would your husband go ballistic? Was your affair emotional only? Or did it become physical? Is that the part you're holding back from your husband?<P>Sorry for the questions, feel free not to answer. I just see some potential red flags in your attempts to work things out with your husband.<P>Well, I gotta go home now, and I won't be checking the forum all weekend, so I'll have to hunt this thread down on Monday... <P>--airheart

I am glad Airheart is still here!!! He is a big help.<P>I agree with him about the Alcoholic Anonymous stuff. <p>[This message has been edited by Bonny (edited March 10, 2000).]

Wife2One,<BR>I too am in the same boat you are. I thought I could never get over the OM and the temptation to call him is overwhelming. However, I must say it does get easier. Keep posting on the site, it's really very helpful.<BR>I have decided to focus my energies on improving my marriage. I bought the book, "Surviving the Affair". You'll find when you read it that you are probably a text book case and that you could have written the book yourself.<BR>The fact that you promised someday to be together with your OM will make it very difficult to move on. That's how I first ended it with the OM and it was nearly impossible to move forward. Finally coming to the realization that I could never speak to him again was extremely difficult, but it has made it easier to go on with my life.<BR>Try to get the things that the OM was giving you from your husband...you have to make him realize that affection and admiration are very important to you.<BR>I feel I'm getting better and I'm sure that you will too. <BR>

Wife2one:<BR>Your post sounds very familiar and i sympathize for what you are going thru. I have come to realize for me that it wasnt exactly the OM i was addicted to, it was the feelings I got when i was with him, the high i guess you could call it. Having someone call you beautiful, sexy, special, its hard to forget about that high you got. We have to work on trying to get that feeling from our spouses. I know it is best to forget about the OM is you really ae comitted to making your marriage work. We cannot give 100% to it if our heart and thoughts are with another. Time and distance away help get over the OM,and, well, now we know the signs to watch out for next time. I know I won't do it again, BUT I , like everyone else, need the affection, admiration and love like everyone else, we deserve it, everyone does, and life is too short. We have to work hard to get that at home, and if it is impossible to get, then<BR>get out of the marriage. But, I am here and trying and giving it all I got. I hope all of our marriages work out, for it sounds like thats what we want. I do. take care.

wife2one, it gets so messy when a seemingly normal marriage is beaten up by an affair. we go on and on, year after year, thinking, it's not perfect but it's ok, we give and take, we compremise. but then, we find that something is missing, was missing and now we know we've been missing it badly but didn't realize it. and now we know it and can't forget it. now we've found what it's like to have what was missing and it's grand.<BR>but getting, what was missing, brings with it a terrible load of baggage. so bitter, yet so sweet.<BR>we know that the bitterness will someday take over and the sweetness will fade but to give it up is tough. but we do. and then we learn to do without, again.<BR>i saw a woman this morning as i drove to work who wore her hair to same way my ow did/does. for a moment, i did a double take. i thought, there she is, but it can't be, and then it wasn't.<BR>my w loves me and we get along very well. yet i'm not satisfied. i try to be but i'm not. i fake being so. i hate doing this to my w but a divorce would hurt her too. i can't afford to give up so much financialy, this late in life, so, for practical reasons, i pretty much locked in to this life. that why i contimplate an affair. sorry this was so long. i just couldn't get it out. i don't have time to correct the spelling either.

WIFE2ONE, <P>My affair was very much like yours. My husband and I were also 'friends' with the OM and his wife. We tried many times to end our affair and continue doing things with our families and such. But the feelings won't go away when you continue to do that. You really must find a way to end this friendship or your marriage will suffer. I also believe that no matter what, you must be honest with your husband and tell him the truth so that he can discover how to please you emotionally, as the OM did. <P>It seems you're not REALLY ready to end this affair and work solely on your marriage if you are still willing to hang out with this other couple socially, and tell the OM that you may be together again someday.... true?<P>I know, I have been in your place and done just what you are doing- it will be too painful for your marriage if you continue this friendship.

WIFE2ONE....I would love to talk and i have icq it is 23012047.thanx........JANICE