Briefly, my wife has a senior position at a wll-known financial institution - her whole world (other than the OM) is about doing the right thing financially, etc. The fact that, in the past, I overspent without consulting her is one of the top two reasons (LBs) that lead to the A. She recently told me that she never bothered telling me about the A because she didn't think of me as a person, just as a burden, and she meant mostly financial. Now, I make decent money, never miss a car, house or credit card payment, and have ZERO negative items on my credit report. She's just upset with me financially because we have a lot of debt. (which is true.)

I just found out the OM (who she's planning a future with) has currently active as well as past federal tax liens, multiple unsatisfied judgments on credit card bills and other bills, never lived up to his end of his last divorce settlement (which was an assett allocation - no maintenance, but he never paid the $$$ of the shared debt he was supposed to.)

This information, if presented properly, will seriously impact their relationship. But, what do I do? If I present it to her she'll defend him and it will be a LB - both that I'm prying and that I'm attacking him. Earlier, as much as I hated the whole thing, I thought that, if we never reconcile, at least she seems happy and could go on. I know (KNOW) that she couldn't be with a financially irresponsible person, particularly one like this. No wonder I couldn't catch them when I first started suspecting - the guy's in serious hiding from IRS and other creditors. He has no property, no listed house, no phone, no utilities in his name, no CAR in his name, etc. And my wife's dumping a guy who makes a $3800 house payment every month for 5 years, no problem, for this guy BECAUSE I WAS FINANCIALLY IRRESPONSIBLE. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, how can I get this info to her in a way that doesn't come from me? Any ideas?

I would give it to her. Tell her that you are giving it to her because you love her and are concerned for her well being. Don't make any value judgements. Just give her the facts and let her make the judgements herself.

I agree with Melody. She's in a serious fog!
My H blames financial problems in our marriage for him cheating. CRAZY!!!
Good luck to you.

I'd let this info get to someone else that the WS respects and let them spill the beans on the OM.

RE: If you told the WS, she may not believe you and may even accuse you of trying to 'marr' the OM's reputation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

While nothing c/b farther from the truth, you want to reduce her attempts to do so.

JMHO,
L.

WOW it keeps getting worse. A thorough search of the bathroom and purses reveals: she quit taking birth control pills at the start of the A AND she's been buying (and using) multi-packs of pregnancy test kits. We've not had sex in 3 months, so its not me.

I am so worried for her that she's going to get pregnant by this loser, lose her job, he's got ZERO dollars and never will have any, etc., etc. More than wanting her back (which I still do with all my heart) I want to protect her, but don't know what to do. She's supposed to call me to have dinner tonight, but I doubt it will happen. I know that asking "are you pregnant, or trying to get pregnant" will be a major LB, but I think I need to say something.

This is a terrible day.

You can't make your wife do anything if she doesn't want to. You can't change her to be as you want. However you can change yourself by living your life by MB principles. That way she will see the changes in you and will start to take notice.


Go with Orchid's advice and pass the financial information on to someone she respects. Its the best chance you have got. But be prepared for her to discount any negative information about the OM.
As she holds a senior position in a financial institution she could be persuaded to make a credit check of the OM herself by someone she trusts. That way would be even more effective.

Just my 2 cents worth..

When my H was with OW I tried to tell him the things that she had done in the past, such as he wasn't the first M man she had done this to. Other things also that she had said even as far as about his manly parts and so on. Orchid is right, usually the information I tried to tell him fell on a deaf ear. He would instantly go to work and ask around to see if anyone else had heard this information. When everyone said no, he didn't believe me.

In the long run you would be better off not being the one to pass on the information. But definately make sure she gets it some how. And make sure it is passed along correctly so when she checks it out, she has all the facts and doesn't think you are lying to get to her.

Just MHO.

HINY

I had dinner with the WW last night. She came home for an hour or so to get more clothes, jewelry, chargers for toothbrush, ipod, etc. - enough so she can stay at the OM's for several days. This didn't hit me too hard as I was completely expecting it.

BUT, we had dinner and talked for 30-45 minutes. At least for that day, the "fog" seems to be lifting a little. I was able to ask a couple of questions about what she saw in the guy, and about their future together, and was able to bring up his financial irreponsibility in a non-LB way (out of concern for her, not in comparison to me.) She knew he wasn't Warren Buffett, but she really had no idea how bad things were. She's definately not going to marry him or get pregnant by him anytime soon.
When she left (to go to her Dad's, although I know she would then go to the OM's little POS house), she said she had an appt with a indiv. therapist next week (we have MC every other week) so she could work through some issues, and she has a bunch of anger and resentment towards me - a lot for causing the affair and putting her in a position where she's in love with someone else. She says she needs to address her own issues before she can recommit to our marriage, and she said, for the first time, "things probably won't work out with" the OM. I'm really taking that as a good sign. We talked about my A (pre-M, but we were dating seriously), and I talked about the cycle of emotions and feelings I went through while it was secret and how it had faded within 6 months once I was with the other girl. We had never talked about that and I could just see the cartoon-style lightbulb go off above her head.

I know it won't change anything in the short term - her family and friends still don't know, and she's still spending 8-10 hours each day with the OM - even lying to her employer about the length of client meeting so she can see him during the day - and she spends every night at his place as well - but the long-term (6 month) seeds are planted in her head, I think. She even said "its hard to sleep in a 10x10 room - I feel like I'm 20 and broke again - but, I guess that's how I'm acting."

VENTING: THE TWO PROBLEMS WITH ME WERE: NOT MEETING HER EN's AND FINANCIAL INSECURITY. THE OM HAS NEVER PAID A BILL IN HIS LIFE. HE'S 42 AND LIVING IN ONE OF HIS DAD'S SLUMLORD RENTAL UNITS BECAUSE THE IRS OR ANOTHER CREDITOR WOULD TAKE ANYTHING ANYWHERE THAT WAS IN HIS NAME. HE DRIVES A 10-year-old FORD VAN, AND THE PLACE SHE'S STAYING AT WITH HIM IS WORTH MAYBE $65K.!

MY PICKUP COSTS MORE THAN THAT, AND I DON'T EVEN EVER DRIVE THE THING.

END OF VENT.

Anyway, I know I've got a long, painful road ahead, and there are no guarantees, but I am so much less pessimistic than I was yesterday it just feels really good. I slept 12 hours last night.