I hope that someone can help me. I have been married for just over a year and a half and have been with my husband for almost 9 years. We have both been unfaithful during that time and part of getting married was a firm commitment to each other and our relationship.

Problem: I am away from home on business at least two nights a week. We hardly ever see each other any more. I have a very stressed job and we are hardly ever physical anymore. To be brutally honest, I don't really find myself sexually attracted to my husband. I however, do love and respect him.

While away on business - I have met someone else - who I find very sexy, charming and attentive. I get along very well with him. I went to lunch with him yesterday and he propositioned me. I would like nothing better than going with him. He, however, is married with two children (one of whom is 4 months old). I said no. And I know that I have done the right thing but am just so tempted! I suppose that is the right way to put it. He is fine with it - I think that he is glad that someone had the sense to say no. I just need reassurance - I suppose that I have done the right thing, and suggestions on how to move forward. I still have to see this man every week and we work closely together and I am scared that I will lose my willpower.

Thanks!

Hi ST,

Welcome to MB!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I said no. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good for you!!! That was absolutely the best thing that you could have said.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I suppose that I have done the right thing, and suggestions on how to move forward. I still have to see this man every week and we work closely together and I am scared that I will lose my willpower. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. You did the "right" thing, both for your marraiag and his. It's good that you've recognized the danger that this man represents to your M...

There are several good "rules" to follow that will help keep you from losing your willpower:

1) Tell your H.
2) Tell a trusted female co-worker and ask her to be your "battle buddy"... Her role would be to make sure that you and Mr. X are never alone.
3) Only discuss work related issues with Mr. X if you have to continue working with him.
4) NEVER discuss personal issues with Mr. X

This guy is poison for your M.

IMHO, the BEST way to ensure that you don't lose your willpower with him is to ask to be reassigned to another project away from him. Sounds drastic, but you are already contemplating going further, so why tempt yourself?

Semper Fi,
RIF90

shadow,

when is all the cheating going to stop?
you are a married woman.
considering having affair with another married man.possibly breaking up a family and your marriage at the same time. is it worth it?
why not work on your marriage instead of wondering how to have an affair without getting caught?
sorry i dont mean to sound like im coming down on you hard but i can say one thing an affair is not the answer.

shadow, welcome.
plese take RIF90's advice. it's good that you thought that much of your h not just to jump on this guy.
i wish my w would have had half as much self respct for her self.
i'ed give a linc to my stuff but don't know how.
you have taken the right steps,keep looking at the information on this site and posting i found that talking hear has helped me alot hope it will help you.
good luck dmb1967

Shadow,

Glad your here.

This man who propositioned you is married with two kids including a newborn.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Have to tell you that your judgement of this man's character is very clouded. There may be many reasons for his behaivor. Even though you said "no". You are encourageing him and yourself by continuing to have contact with him.

You are mistaken if you believe that "he is fine with it". He will pursue you again, and again, and again, until you give in. He wants you to believe he is fine with it, he wants to have you eventually believe it is your idea to begin a physical affair. You are already in and emotional affair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Good luck. I am very glad you are seeking out some support to make the right decisions for your marriage. Marriage is work, but it can be sooooo much fun.

TJ

Good.. one step closer to your marraige and you.

The fact that you have to ask people if you did the right thing by not falling into this affair has me concerned. NO affair even when it sometimes wakes the parties up that something is wrong is never good. How can getting involved with someone be ok when it can destroy others around you???? This isn't the first time this guy has probaly fooled around on his wife. I dont want to judge you here, so please just take my words as a wake up call here....Only the Good Lord knows everything about me.. and The stuff i been thru. In the last few years i really learned what my consequences has cost me over 25 years. How much hurt and pain to others .. I have caused as well. SO think this way.. Do i want to hurt my spouse...? or whomever may be involved..? Let it be a reality check.. Affairs are selfish it may seem to make you happy and more open .. but in the long run it runs it course either before it destroys everyone or after it does. One done . the affair ends.. esp with no consequnece that one sees yet, it is so easy to do it again and fall into the trap. System has made it so easy to divorce and deny any responsibilty by using the irreconcilible differeces to get out of a marraige instead of calling it for what it was. Too many children growing up in a broken home, kids finding out that mommy or and daddy been seeing someone else.. What sort of legacy is this we are leaving the children..?
AFFAIRS are emotional only and not any sort of buidling block for a real relationship because someone is already committed to one somewhere..rather they are togther or not. Otherwise it would not be an affair.. it would be two single people dating or friends with benifits whatever you want to call it..
I place myself in this too.. i been there done it..can write a book about it..But wont.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Too many people are hurt even when no one but the parties who fooled around knows.

I cant at this time go into my own story too much.. However i have had affairs, i finally left my spouse in 1995 June the 15th to be exact. There were many reasons and only a few that were truly valid. One I wont talk about because right now that isn't the issue ..however the fooling around was one of them. I could not seem to stop this behavior and i was becomming pretty misirible along the way. I left and i ended up with someone else for about 4.5 years that ended in 2001 I got tired and realized whatever it was I was looking for was not in another person...Right now this man seems intresting and intriguieng and things seem heated up and all sensual..Lust last only a fortnite .. the Love you can learn and feel for your spouse..will last a lifetime..
Sometiems the needs one has on the emotional level are too much for a spouse to meet and maybe they dont know how to meet them. I know I didn't. I am not saying saying that a spouse can't help you to meet needs however one you need to be able to identify your needs. I am still learning here. I think after looking aroudn here for the last few days this is what i have learned.. Niter of us knew how to do this.. We both been on our own agenda for some time in the last 9 years. We have reconciled as of June this year.. There is alot more to this story. and in time for all thimgs

Linda

shadowtar..

Problem: I am away from home on business at least two nights a week.

goodnews....you get to see your hubby five days a week...

I have a very stressed job and we are hardly ever physical anymore.

be more physical..be fun be playful be sexy....best stress buster in the world!!!!

the longer you create a pattern of pulling away from him.(hubby)..the easier it will become...

who I find very sexy, charming and attentive.

better news is that hubby is all these and more...
he's your HUBBY!!!!
he loves YOU
he knows YOU
he cherishes YOU...

celebrate that...
that's exactly what a marriage is...

I still have to see this man every week and we work closely together and I am scared that I will lose my willpower.

but even better is you get to see your hubby every week too...

AND
you don't just work with him..
You get to LIVE with him...

life is grand when you change your attitude and change the way you see your hubby...

I am scared that I will lose my willpower.

use all your willpower on your hubby.....

relish and celebrate the time with him
cherish him....
cherishing someone in actions is fun fun fun..
energizing
exciting
and what marriage is ALL about!!!!!!!!!!!11

no one
no one ever lays on there deathbed and says...

man i wish I had spent more stressful time at work and less time loving and caring for another humanbeing...

NO ONE!!!!!!!!1

shadow...lets try to break it down....

first of all marriage does not exist on it's own..it takes energy...and when we begin to remove energy from our marriage and expend it in other areas....marriages suffer...

and even more dangerous is when we then take energy in thought and action away from our spouse..and spend it on another person....
it's downright disasterous....

YOU shadow...hold great power in creating THE type of marriage you desire....
you are not victim to circumstance...(note I am not saying you claiming to be a victim...just using the word because it fits here)

If your job is creating huge voids and emptiness in your life...

change it...

the path you are on now...the removal of energy and focus on the man who loves you.....
is a slippery slope of pain hurt and emptiness....

and any issues or problems you have in your marriage...will never ever ever ever be resolved if you turn away from husband...and turn towards someone else...

do you have children?

the fact that this OM even propositioned you ..with a FOUR month old innocent baby at home...speaks VOLUMES of who he is and what he holds to have great meaning in this universe...

his proposition should TERRIFY you...

the fact that he is willing to jeopardize his family...and ask you to do the same..

terrifying....

the question is...what type of marriage to you want to build....
what type of marriage do YOU value
what type of person do you want to be...
and line up your actions to be in sync with that...

ARK

Ark

thank you..that gives me mroe advice..thenk you and bless you.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I wish Iw as there where you are about looking at things..differnetly..
I tend to be not sure..Iw ant to helo and encourage as well as warn and let people knwo hey not the wya to go..
I have been changing my attitude.. husband sees it.. i do fall back tho..but i get up..aplgize and go on..

Me andmy sposue are not in the same satte.. makes it hard
Mentally when I think of my husband.. i think abotuthe things I love and what is speciall.. that in turn gives me a desire to be with him look froward to our talks..if I find myself wandering mentally esp at soemone else..i refocosu that attention back to my husbadn..i wont let me go there nomore..its CHOICE.. ther eis no one holdin a gin to your head saying yes you must sleep with him/her.
Making your marriage work is one choice at a time..and it may be a choice every minute of the sday sometimes or maybe a few...In time they will becoem easier and natural..
Shadow: I know how this need and desire can eat you up and make you feel special and loved.. its temotiong in so many many ways.. However..
it wil last a brief time..someone wil get hurt ..
As someone who has been there done it.. this isn't new to this man...and he will stay with wife..unless wife finds out and boots him.. You will end upbeing another notch.. and even if you do end up for some reason together. him or you or both will be lookng for this again.. the chances are extrmely high..
I have knwon people that on that very rare occasion.. found someone else while married and lived happy.. But they all had to come face to face with the devil of the whole thing..and that is one or both them fooled around and left the spouse for them.. and that hunts them alot..because of guilt and then wondering if wil happen again..so there is alot to realize here..
As Ark says
Turn all that energy to your spouse and you.. if your job is stressfull is it worth your emotional health and the health of the marraige.. Suggest MC and find out what else may be going on.. your not feelin tis way because you didnt have anything else to do.. its temming form somewhere.. answers are needed....so you cna make better choices for you and spouse..

God Bless
Linda

Shadow Tar.
I am new to this, so know that I am definately not qualified, but as you have come here to ask the question, I think you already know the answer. You say that "part of getting married was a firm commitment to each other", so I take it that you know what that means.
Another thing you say is that "I don't find myself S attractive to H". IMVHO, I think this could be FOG talk/thinking on your part.
The OMW is most probably very hormonal right now, just having had a baby, not much sleep & all that goes with having a new baby. I know that she would love to have her H beside her, helping her with both of THEIR children, giving her this very important EN at this time. Not out having a fling with another woman. I'm thinking that this is all you mean to this OM.
Of course your own H could be wanting you by his side also. Just look into H eyes & see the love that he has for you, & remember about your commitment to each other as you tell him that this creep came on to you. Can you feel the pain on this board from each & everyone here???? Both BS & WS. Can you really inflict this pain onto EVERYONE else that this act would cause?????
Look into your own eyes & ask yourself Can I??????
Listen to all the great advice that so many have here & let them help you. Take care

WH 52
BS 48
DD 24
DS 22
D-Day 1 10th November 2003
H had several A's over 10yrs
Working at staying together forever

Thanks everyone! This has been exactly what I needed to hear. It really helps having support like this. As the weekend has gone on, I feel a lot happier and "proud" of myself. If that makes sense? I feel like I made a morally correct choice - and that feels good.

You guys have offered really good advice - and I appreciate it.

Thank you!

Shadow,

Glad you took to heart some of the advice you got here. It is all from experience, though not good ones.

Arc is right when she says that you should be terrified at the type of man that would do this with a wife and two kids at home, and a newborne to boot. What are his views of a marriage? What is it that he values? I feel sorry for his wife.

If your husband did the same thing as OM, propositioning another married woman, would you want to know? Even if she turned him down, would you want to know what your husband was thinking and doing?

Maybe you should think of telling OM's wife. So she can make a decision for herself. She, in fact no one, deserves a cheating spouse. Next time you see OM maybe you should encourage him to use his energy on his marriage instead of pursuing an affair. You may not even be the only one he is after, or even the first.

Good luck and I'm glad you came here for support in saving your marriage. Wish my WW came here before she started on her own affair.

Shadow,

It is awesome you feel so good about taking this step away from something so devestating.

It got to the point i never thought about it i just did with twangs of guilt here and there.

NOw even though I been seperated for 9 years and broke up with BF we were living togther form 95-2001. I broke up for different reasons than for my marraige tho at that time. The last few years even tho seperated I been working on me and learning to not be with anyone and also breaking old contacts that could create a problem for me by learning to say no or putting people that both knew me and spouse and was with me that iam not availible andonly of spouse feels comfortable being friends stil wil I remain in contact. The best thing to do is break off anhy contact with anyone that has moved in to your life and threaten the marraige itself even if it has never happened yet, I would be willing to go and say any one whom you have enetertained thoughts of int hat way ratehr recipicated or not.

I had no reason when i started doing this..it wasn't for my marriage it was for me. Then I turned my attention on my spouse as I became stronger in both who i was and my faith in God. Now we have reconciled as of this June. With each step I take away from destructive behaviors the better I feel about me. It is hard too because we hit those bumps of the past how we interact with each other and of course the stuff here right now. Thwne we are in different places locatin wise..WHich I think helps us for now.. We are not into each others space and when something happens we can take time outs easier..

it takes time to get thru this.. and you can ..it wont be easy by any means. But you all have the capacity to do this..I se lots of support here those who been there done it... that is awesome...

God Bless

Linda