It has been several months since I visited MB. Momto, I remember you. We talked several times. Sorry to hear how things are going for u.
Anyway, I was a former WH. I had an A that lasted several months. I ended the A with the OW and began working on my marriage. My W and I agreed to change our habits and change some things to make each other happy. I had No contact with the OW for 5 months. A few weeks ago the OW called me when I was out with some friends. This call happened to come at time when things were not going so good with my W and I. The OW started talking as "friends" and eventuallly started talking more frequently. This obviously has not helped things for me in alot of ways. During the 5 months I gave everything I has to try and make things work. I Love my wife sooo much. We moved into a brand new custom home and were doin ok. I had found myself buying toys (IE; Car) to help keep myself busy. I recently spoke with a friend of mine that went through a similar situation I did and am going through. His situation is identical except that he and his wife had a 4y/o child. Anyway, his marriage ended in divorce and he is now happy as is his ex-wife.

My W has an idea I have been talking with the OW. I am afraid to tell her the truth for several reasons. A week or so ago I thought I wanted a divorce, now I'm not. As I said, I do love her. We have been married over 6 years and together almost 11. We married when she was 21 and me 25. DId we marry too young? I am way confused and am back in the dilemma I was in months ago. When this happened last time I felt I went back to my W because I felt bad. I do not feel this way this time. I need advice / help fast. Do I tell my W what is going on? Some say If I do its because I want her to leave me and be the bad person. This is not true, I do not. I do feel I should be honest but am afraid. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Please help.

Trynhard:

Yes, you tell your wife. The rule of Complete Honesty. I would also suggest that you lose the cell phone, and discuss with your wife other ways that you can eliminate contact between yourself and the OW. You need an accountability partner here---and what better person than your wife.

Thanks for the advice. My wife and I have discussed my moving out and a seperation. I was to leave today. Should we follow through because of that?

i think the first thing you need to do is decide if you want this marriage or not. if you want it then you hsve a long road ahead of you and a ton of prayers that your wife also does.

she gave you a second chance and stood up for the marriage when you tossed it like it was nothing. can you fathom how hard it is for her---every moment of every day! you need to commit or get out and let her heal. to continue betraying her is just cruel---and for what? a few minutes on the phone that make you feel good??? i wish someone could explain that to me. but i also know no explaination would make sense to me...

DECIDE!!

Tryhard, yes you should tell your wife about the contact so that she can start to trust you again, and you W should understand that she should be the one that you talk to when you have the emontional needs (Steve's emotional needs on this website is pretty helpful)no matter how angry she is at you. You two are in this together.

It seems that Plan A (stop seeing the OW) may work better for you since you stopped seeing the OW for 5 month. So you may want to reconsider the separation.

I told my W and she is obviously devistated. As I said, last time I came back it was because I felt bad. This time is not the same. I had no intent onstarting this again. I do want this marriage but I want us both to be happy. I feel like we are at a point in our lives where we should be happy but for some reason are not. She works at a job she is not happy in and stays in out of financial necessity. My W has very low self esteem and always has. Besides the obvious screw ups on my part, I have tried to make her feel good about herself and compliment her on her successes both at work and her goal of weight loss. I just have felt no matter how hard I have tried to make her happy in the past that I cannot. I also have not projected much happiness either but it is hard for me to be happy when I see she is not. Right now I look like a toatal jerk to everyone around, deserving I know. I just do not know what has happened to me over the past few years. We have a beautiful home, we are financialyy stable. I never meant for this to start up again. The OW called me after 5 months of 0 contact. I though we could be on a somewhat friendly basis. When I say I did not intend for this to happen I know she does not believe me. But I didnt. I try to turn to others for answers cause I cannot find them myself. I love my W very much although it does not seem like it right now. I just wish the two of us did more to make this work. I wish I knew how we could make each other happy. I really don't know what slipped. We both made promises to change things and I though I did for those 5 months. I just dont know what to do... What is my next step. How do I right a very wrong situation? What if she does not let me.

Will your wife post or read here? I think we can help you both.

Do not separate if you want your marriage.

My wife will post here, and has. I feel like I really blew it this time. I feel like I can't tell the right thing to do from the wrong thing to do. Not only do I bear the responsibility of pouncing on my W's feelings, but I did the same thing by showing feelings toward the OW as well. She has a 4 y/o child and is a single mom. I just wish my W and I could crawl into a bubble away from the rest of the world. I feel so lost..

Have your wife post here. We will help her.

What you need to realize is that an A is like an addiction. You must go cold turkey and have NC with OW. Change your phone number so she cannot contact you. Send a NC letter.

Once she is out of the picture, you and your wife can have a better marriage. Lots of people here have done it.

Trynhard,

I found this out the hard way - you absolutely need NC. Let me say it again - NC. No innocent phone calls. Nothing. Zero. Zip.

If your W is ever to feel safe again in your M, you absolutely need to do this for her. Let me explain.

1) Renewed contact with kind and friendly OW might tempt you back into the A - especially when you're vulnerable in your M.

2) If, yes if this contact would be 100% "just friends" stuff (which I doubt it will remain) then please realise that your W cannot look into your head & heart. How is she to know that you are telling her the truth? That is all "very innocent"? To YOU is nice and flattering that OW calls you and talks to you in a nice and friendly way. To your W it is hell all over again. So put aside your selfish need for blahblah with OW and go to 100% NC if you value your M.

3) You talk about 5 months. Do you mean 5 months after D-Day? My dear, 5 months is not a lot. It takes longer for your W to heal, especially if she has low self-esteem. Can you imagine what it does to a person of low self-esteem that her H has an A? She'll need a lot of reassurance, and you talking to OW isn't much of reassurance. You should have hung up the very moment you realised it was OW. That would have been the only correct way to go. NC is NC !

You will find a lot of helpful info on this site. Do the Emotional Needs questionnaire with your W, for example. Maybe you think you are doing all you can for her while she needs other things from you, things you also provide her with but that you just didn't know she needed.

Some women like presents. Others want to be hugged. Others want you to TELL them you love them. Others want you to show your love by helping her in the household. Etc.etc. (The book "Five Love Languages" is quite helpful here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ).

I wouldn't move out. I'd start loving her even more and doing everything I could to make her feel good. I would ask her what SHE wants from me. I would give her a hammer and my cell phone (or the ID card in it) and ask her to smash it because I've been an idiot.

When you come home, give her your (new) cell phone so she can check it if she wants. Let her look at all the bills. Give her free access to your e-mail account. Whatever it takes to become absolutely transparent.

Don't ever be friendly to OW again! She doesn't deserve that after breaking NC!

I want to be clear with everyone. The A did start again. Although I did not intend for it to, it did. I found myself thinking the OW and I could be friends. She called me and I crossed the next line wanting to see her in person. The OW and I are alot alike. We seem to be able to laugh and have a good time because of our shared likes / dislikes. I am also very weary of our likeness at the same time. When I am away from my W, unlike last time, I miss her. I slo sometimes miss the OW. I have never in my life had this type of situation arise. I never thought from the beginning I would / could have feelings for another person. I know I may be talking in circles, but I am trying to vent my thoughts and feelings.

Just like a heroin addict, you just can't expose yourself to the OW.

All of this is exceedingly painful for your wife. My WH carried on so long with OW, I wouldn't take him back. I have completely lost any love for him.

Hope you can turn this around before you lose everything.

Have you and your wife set some appropriate boundaries in place that would help you to know whether your choices will help or hinder your recovery? The policy of joint agreement perhaps?

I'm going to ask you a question..if you answer it honestly you will be miles ahead of where you stand now. The first moment that the OW *called* you..when you heard her voice, and continued a conversation with her...did you think that there was even a remote possibility that your wife would be pleased about it?

[answer***..No, you knew that she would not approve, this is why you did not tell her, and continued in secret]

Did you know that every time you have contact of any sort with your OW, you become vulnerable to the A all over again? Do you notice how the time of renewed contact and your dissatisfaction with your marriage have coincided? Do you believe in coincidences?

So think of it this way..you and your wife put in miles of work..and with one phone call you have lost months of effort *poof*. Now you feel frustrated..and rather than look to the obvious and glaring issue of renewed contact..you wonder if your marriage can't be fixed after all...FOG ALERT!! You are beginning a pattern of thinking consistent with an A.

If you truly desire to mend your marriage..drop ALL contact FOREVER. Send this woman a no contact letter in which you make it extremely clear that she is not welcome in your life to any degree, ever, under any circumstances. Show it to your wife and mail it together. Give your wife your cell phone. Do not recreate without her. Just stop putting yourself in a position where continued contact is even possible. This will do a lot to restore trust. Your wife should not have to ask you not to place yourself in a position of vulnerability. You are an adult..take the initiative yourself.

It is not OK to maintain a friendship with this woman..she is not your friend..she is an enemy to your marriage. She is your wifes cruelest tormenter.

You do not bear responsibility for OWs feelings. She is an adult. She has a child. She has to look after her own well being and the well being of her child. Not only are you not helpfull, you are actually a hinderance. Lock this woman out of your mind/heart/life for the sake of everyone involved. Focus on your wife and her feelings and her needs. Never ever put another woman before your wife.

Until you set your lifestyle up in a way that will resist and deflect further contact with OW..expect your efforts at recovery to be in vain..every contact is going back to square one.

The reason I have neared redundancy on this issue..is that you are talking out of both sides of your mouth.

You knew that you were doing the wrong thing by interacting with your OW..but still you chose to do it.

You say that you are having trouble discerning right from wrong..but that isn't entirely truthfull is it? You knew what not to tell your wife..and what you're having trouble doing is justifying it.

You say that you love your wife..and in the same breath wonder if you married to young [thereby nullifying your commitment]

I'd say you are in pretty deep at present. Time to get out the big shovel and remove the refuse so that there will be room for the garden. I would be willing to bet money..that if you and your wife took steps to set up your marriage in a fail proof environment..and then set to work on meeting each others needs..these feelings of confusion and uncertainty would begin to dissipate.

I hope to see you both posting again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Noodle

I appreciate your responses. I feel horrible about what I have done. I just don't understand why things happen. I have the most honorable, loyal, and loving person a man could ask for and I keep screwing things up. Are the things that bother me about her indeed little things I blow out of proportion, or are they important things like I feel they are? There has been an issue of physical attraction on my end. I feel shallow for not being as attracted to my wife sometimes as I should be. I try and make myself as attractive to her as I can. I want her to feel good about herself for herself more than for me.

Have you and the other woman begun to have sex again?

Are you still having sex with her?

Has it been more than 24 hours since you last had sex with her?


Trying..you are up to your eyeballs, and you know it. Please come out of the fog.

It's good to see that your W is not deserving of this shabby treatment.

Okay, reality check.

Your honorable, loving wife is not going to live for ever. These months and years wasted with you, while you were not with her in heart and spirit, are ones she will never get back. Moreover, these false recoveries are robbing her of the opportunity to live her life.

Is she supposed to spend the rest of her life chasing after the promise you might come around?

Maybe it's time to realize that you've pushed your M beyond the salvageable, and your W has every right that you did to seek happiness and fulfillment with a partner who will respect her.

You just don't understand why things happen?

Let me clear it up for you.

You had some marital issues..you took them outside your marriage. That's how it happened the first time.

This time, the other woman called you, and you allowed contact. You sought it out every step of the way. There is zero possibility that you do not know why and how this happened. You knew when you spoke on the phone with her..you knew when you met her..you certainly knew when you were taking off your clothes. Stop cutting yourself so much slack. Stop making excuses for your intentional actions.

Of course your wife will lose her luster when she is competing with an affair. Finding your spouse attractive is not shallow...but it is extremely subjective to where you are in your mind at present. Your wife is/was still trying to recover from your actions..and you are suprised that her appearance has suffered? Would you feel the same way of a person recovering from a car crash? Stress will make a person unattractive..I have seen beautifull women look positively haggard during bad periods in their lives.

So now OW looks better to you than your wife. Too bad you can't see her from my perspective.
From here she has all the allure of a maggot infested trash can lid.

End your affair. Stop all contact. Until you do this you haven't a chance. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TRYNHARD:
<strong>The A did start again. Although I did not intend for it to, it did. I found myself thinking the OW and I could be friends. She called me and I crossed the next line wanting to see her in person. The OW and I are alot alike. We seem to be able to laugh and have a good time because of our shared likes / dislikes.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmm... I did warn you about this, but way too late it seems.

And think about this - OW and you laug and have a good time... while breaking your W's heart? What does this tell you about the respect OW has for your W? Yep - none. She doesn't care, even if she might say she does. Her actions show otherwise. She doesn't care about breaking up your M and hurting your W.

Go ahead. Laugh and have wonderful times with OW. I wouldn't like her as a friend.
Go ahead. Take the easy way out and dump your W for this wonderful OW that cares very little about the feelings of the good person your W is.

Or maybe you'll find the strength within yourself to kick the bad habit and do the right thing. If you'll want to face yourself in the mirror for the rest of your life.

<small>[ August 21, 2004, 11:45 AM: Message edited by: brownhair ]</small>

TRYNHARD

Do you want to be married?

YES

or

No

Make your choice. Right now, choose.

Pep

Brownhair..you bring up an excellent point...

Trynhard and his OW are having a good time putting a knife in his wifes gut and twisting it. They are just so much alike, you see..so much in common.

Tryin..have you thought about your actions in this way? Have you thought about how you are choosing to be cruel to your wife so that you can have a good time? That this is just sort of fine with the OW and apparently with you as well. She doesn't mind one bit if your wife suffers as long as she gets what she wants. Nice. You still feel good about what you two are doing? Having fun yet?