I've been back and forth between home and another state to get work and housing for me and my family. The first week of being away was literally hell on my mind and my emotions. But my wife seems to be doing extremely well and really coming out of the fog. I still have a lot of mental flashbacks and ugly imagery in my mind but even that is fading away. We talk constantly on the phone (thank God for free mobile to mobile! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) . The more I've worked on me the more I've seen my wife come around. She actually told me that she love me with all her heart - that doesn't seem like much but there was a time that she wouldn't do that and I don't think it's just words now either. I think she's really sorry for what she did and wanted things fixed but she just didn't think they could be fixed. Now I think she is seeing that they can be fixed and that life can be good again - maybe better than it ever was before. I'm glad the 3:00 in the morning discussions are over. I'm glad that I don't live in constant paranoia. I'm glad that I'm actually starting to believe her when she says that nothing is going on. It feels so good to believe in her again. She said at one time that I didn't want to trust her. NOthing could have been farther from the truth. I wanted to trust her like I used to - implicitly. I'm not there yet and I don't know if I'll ever be there but being married to someone you don't trust is like a living hell. It just feels good to have some normalcy in my life again. And by normalcy I don't mean the way it was before the A. I mean how it was long before the A - when things were very good.
I can't thank you guys enough for your support and your conversation and your prayers because I was hanging on by a thread. I even considered suicide. You guys talked to me when nobody would. You helped me understand what my wife was going through. It seems that a Klingon can adapt some Betazoid philosophy. I'm not done posting - it's just going to be less frequent because I just don't have time to post. Between my children going to public school now - looking for a job - looking for a house - yada, yada, yada - my computer time is less than it was. For those of you who are going through the hell right now, there is hope. And so much of it has to do with you instead of the other person. I would have gotten mad at the very thought of that some months ago because I thought my wife was completely and totally to blame for it all. But after walking it out I saw that my behavior helped facilitate this affair. That is NO WAY absolves my wife from the responsibility of doing the right thing but nevertheless it is true. I look for an enemy, but it seems that I was my biggest enemy.
Our being apart during the week probably flies in the face of all good counseling and I would agree with that - it is far from ideal - but it is necessary. Being apart from my wife and not being able to check on her, see her, etc. - to have to totally trust her - was very, very hard. I would come home on the weekends and look through the house and on the computer for anything out of the ordinary. And there would be nothing there to find. I think that my wife seeing that I could trust her actually helped her. I would not advise this course of recovery for anyone else - I really wouldn't have recommended it for me to begin with. But somehow, with God's help, it has seemed to work for us. That is why I don't believe there is any such thing as a "pure plan A" or a "pure plan B". There has to be some room for real life.
God bless you guys - I'll be checking in as I have time!
Out!
