Hello everyone! I am Trynhard's wife. I've been reading the posts from my H and all the responses from everyone. I first want to thank everyone for your support. I just hope it gets somewhere with my H.

Let me start at the beginning... We have been married 6 years - together nearly 10. We started to have issues and those issues resulted in my H having an A during the last part of 2003. I found out in November that he had been seeing the OW for about 2 months and didn't know what he wanted. He moved out and came back about a month later because he felt guilty that I was alone. I tried with all my heart to forgive him and rebuild our marriage. Then in February, I found out the A was back on again. As the saying goes - screw me once, shame on you; screw me twice, shame on me. Well, shame on me! But again, I tried to forgive him and work on our marriage.

We both have issues - who doesn't? I am admittedly lazy and a procrastinator. My H has a temper and can be mean sometimes. We have both been unhappy lately. But, his unhappiness seems to be because of my shortfalls and my unhappiness is because he's unhappy.

I don't want a divorce - never did. But I don't know what more to do. I've given him two chances already and he's come round for a third time of breaking my heart. I am not sure how much more of this I can take.

I think we both were trying in the beginning. I was up nearly 60 lbs. and have lost 40+ since December. I try not to be so lazy or a procrastinator, but I enjoy my downtime. My H is much more Type A than I am and always has to be doing something. In the past two months or so, my motivation to lose more weight has gone away. Mostly I think because we are having more problems and I am still dealing with the hurt and heartbreak of the first two bombs.

I want my marriage to work, I want my family to stay intact, but I feel like he's already made his decision on who he wants to be with. I vowed for better or worse and I've been there for him each and every time. But each time he goes back to her. Believe me she knows exactly what she's doing. She's a single mom and is looking for someone to rescue her from her ****ty self-imposed life. My H makes good money and I'm sure that's appealing to her too. I just don't know why he keeps doing this to me?

Please help...

H@C..
I am so happy that you have posted..I plan to respond at length later this evening when I have time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
--Noodle

Call the counseling center this site offers... link is on the top of this page just under the big logo.

It is expensive, but waaaaaay cheaper than a divorce.

You guys need ASAP professional help ... this message board is no way enough for you to fix what has gone haywire.

Call today.

WELCOME TO MB

Pep

Dear H & C,

Wow this sure isn't easy. I'm glad you're here too, though, be it not for the best of reasons. I have been in your shoes to a certain degree (no EA, only PA in my case and my H never left me for OW). But there are others here who know exactly what you are going through and they'll certainly help you if they can.

I think it will help you to think of your H as an addict right now. That will explain a lot of his actions. He is addicted to OW, not so much to her as a person, but to whatever needs she is meeting for him. You can fill those needs too and in fact I'm quite sure he'd rather have you do this. If you read what he's writing here he has two problems: 1) guilt 2) addiction to the good parts of the A, making him forget (like any addicted person) the side effects, the hurt caused to others, his completely unreasonable actions, and even his self-destructive behaviour.

I hope you'll stick around here to start again in your M and build it this time. Ok so you're both not perfect - who is? You'll need time and a lot of reassuring from him to make you feel safe again in the M, don't expect this to happen fast, especially since he's already broken your trust more than once.

Also NO CONTACT, none whatsoever, with this OW is absolutely necessary. Change your phone numbers is that's how she'll try to get in contact!

Hang in there my dear. Nothing you did or didn't do made you "deserve" this.

hurting -

Glad you decided to post here. I have lost patience with your H. He is still very fogged out. However, I do believe that he loves you and wants to stay with you.

But he needs to have NC with OW, and stick to it. He needs to change his cell phone number, and write her a NC letter. He is just like a heroin addict. Just can't let it go.

However I do have lots of hope for your marriage. He seems to want to be with you, but still in the addict stage.

Don't blame yourself at all. This is all his doing. But you can work on the things that got your marriage in this condition. Hang in there, we can help you both.

CALL the pros TODAY and arrange an appointment!

Your H is so far in lala land that he's not making ~any~ sense.

Pay no attention to whatever he says ... coz he's not saying anything that has meaning.

Go get tested for STDs.

He says he used condoms, but I do not believe him.

Chances are this OW will TRY to get pregnant!

BE CAREFUL!

Your M is NOT over, but it is dying fast ... so go get the pros assistance. Even if it turns out your M did not survive, at least YOU would know that YOU did everything possible to save it.

Pep

<small>[ August 21, 2004, 02:32 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Hi all! Thanks again for your support. My H's OW has tried to contact him at least twice today. Apparently he's told her we were getting divorced and made a promise of a life together - even if it wasn't directly.

He is confused as am I. He keeps asking me what I want to do - what I want him to do. Honestly, right now I don't know. I want my marriage to work - I was all in on the for better & for worse. BUT... huge BUT here... I don't really know if I can ever trust him again. Trust is a HUGE part of a successful relationship and I know we can't have any kind of marriage without it. I've trusted him with everything I have and everything I am and he threw it out the window to be with the OW.

He says that she knows all the soft spots - the "I'd never hurt you" song & dance. One of my shortfalls is that I am lazy - I know this. So I find out she is too - but that's okay. It's not an issue with my H that she's lazy, only that I am. How is that fair?

I've forgiven him twice now. How many more times do I give him my heart to watch him throw it against a wall? I pick up the pieces and give it back to him only to have him do it all over again.

How do you forgive a third time and how do you trust ever again??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Keep reading and posting here. I believe your marriage can recover from this as soon as we get your husband straightened out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> Keep reading and posting here. I believe your marriage can recover from this as soon as we get your husband straightened out. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I respectfully disagree......we can't do anything to straighten out your husband.... he's beyond logic at this time.

CALL INFIDELITY THERAPY EXPERTS

THAT is way better than simply waiting for us to turn this crazy-headed WH around.

GET PROFESSIONAL HELP!!!!

Did you call yet? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pep

Hi! I haven't called anyone yet. I actually had to take my 8 week old kitten to an emergency vet b/c she took a 10 ft. fall and was bleeding from her nose. Good news is, she's okay!!

I also just got sick though... My H sent the OW a text message - with me here saying that I deserve better than what he's been giving me and not to contact him. So of course she does and they were then text messaging back and forth. I read them all and they were the "I know I can make you happy", "I promise to do whatever it takes to make you happy"...

Just as I thought this afternoon that there was hope - he asked if I could forgive him again... now, I'm not sure where I stand. She called and he answered and she's weeping on the phone about how much she loves him and that he's the only man for her. Funny, since she has a boyfriend now (since the last A she hooked up with another Cop - I think she's a cop groupie! How sad!?!).

If my H was the only man for her, then how is she with someone else anyway. She is a manipulator and she knows exactly what she's doing. She knows which buttons to push and I'm not going to play that game with her. I am SO mad right now I want to rip the phone out of his hands and tell the no-moral havin' two bit floozy to leave my f***in H alone!

God please help me - I am losing it! I feel like I'm hanging on the edge with my fingernails and that's just about to give. I love my H with all my heart and want my marriage to work - but I can't do it like this and I can't do it alone!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

**Bump**

PLEASE HELP!!!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Dear OW

Since you promise to do whatever it takes to make me happy, I will hold you to your word.

Never ever contact me again..this will make me very happy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Think that would go over like a lead balloon? Me too.

--Noodle

I guess all the posts we wrote to your H telling him to NOT CONTACT the OW went ignored. Why is he having any communication with her at all?

H&C -

We will help you through this. Sadly your WH does seem to love you, but he is completely fogged out. So stick with us, and keep posting. We will still try to get through your WH's fog.

Again, thank you. This afternoon after he had been posting for awhile, he came to me and said he wanted forgiveness and that he was sorry and needed to know what I wanted to do. Of course, I said I didn't know. I just found out about the second rekindling of this A this morning so I hadn't fully processed it yet - still haven't in fact.

But then after your suggestions for the NC letter, he said he couldn't just send a letter - that was rude - but he'd text message her. Reluctantly I agreed - only because I thought he'd tell her he was done and if this is he way he has to do it, okay. So we did it together. Then she kept sending these horrible messages - I love you and would do anything for you. You aren't happy and I can make you happy... blah blah blah - all b.s. She just sticks a dagger in a vunerable spot and twist and turns until he's totally confused again.

I honestly thought we were getting somewhere. He showed remorse for what he's done - he seemed guilty and sad and seemed to truly want and need my forgiveness.

Now here we are this evening and we're back to I don't know. I love you, and I want this to work, but I'm not sure it will. We've *tried* for 5 months and nothing.... Problem is he started this A in 10/03, told me in 11/03, said he broke it off in 12/03 to find out in 2/04 it was back on but this time he "meant it" when he said no contact. So, we're talking 5 months from March - things were going okay.

Admittedly, I went off my AD meds which probably wasn't the smartest thing to do. I've fallen back into my own fog of sorts - depression. So things weren't great for a short while then the floozy calls and all h**l breaks loose.

I DON'T want to lose my husband, my family, my life - Every time I get him to hang on to the life line I throw him, she comes up and drags him down below the surface again.

I have fantasized about calling her and asking her not to interfere with our marriage anymore. I would LOVE to be a b***h about it - but I would refrain as it wouldn't do any good. But just to calmly say to her that although she thinks she knows our life she has no idea and that we deserve a chance. And even though her idea of a chance is a 5 month stint it's not. She just needs to leave and move on for her and her sons sake. This poor child is probably so confused and she just thinks of herself.

I would also LOVE to out her to her family. But I know my H would implode if that happened. We talked about it b/c of a posting here and he said that's totally uncalled for. I think it would do the whole situation good since her folks are devout christians and wouldn't think it to be a very good situation as well.

She actually had the nerve to tell him that God brought him to her so she and her son could have a good man in their lives to take care of them and love them. Okay, first of all, the God I know isn't that hurtful. If he wanted her to have such a man, he would bring her a single, very eligible man - not my H!!! Secondly, her son has a good man who takes care of him and loves him - his father!!!

Okay, done with the venting...

One more question - After all this has brought me through and all the hurt, pain, confusion, etc., I find myself unable to be mad at my H for any of this. I hate the OW, I hate the *friends* of my H who introduced them, etc. But I CANNOT hate or even be mad at my H. Am I deflecting? Am I crazy? Or just plain ignorant???

YOu are not crazy. My dear hubby didn't hate me after what happened. I still can't believe it to this day, but you never look a gift horse in the mouth!

Read everything here and get counceling. Like pep said, even if your marriage doesn't work out you will know in your heart that you did everything you could.

H&C:

To reiterate Pepper's message: Call 888-639-1639 for an appointment for Harley's phone counseling, or contact Penny Tupy at SYMC to arrange counseling with her. The counseling is expensive, but it's very effective and a bargain compared to divorce. I think so highly of the counseling that I can remember that phone number like it was yesterday, and it's been nearly 6 years since I've used it.

That's the most important advice I can give you. Don't depend solely on the boards here for carrying out a solid plan---you won't get the depth that you will in the counseling.

A couple points with regards to you and what you're going through. You're dealing with an addict right now---think of how similar your husband's actions with regard to the OW are like a crack addict's behaviors towards cocaine. Addictions are not easy to deal with, and it's the addict who needs to make the decision to treat it. You should not take his "pining" for the OW as a reflection of you---it's simply an extension of his addiction.

I would encourage you to make your marriage a safe place for him to be honest in. Do not lovebust if you find contact. In fact, ask him to share this information with you, and do not retaliate when you receive it. It's important to establish this safety, and it will help you with regards to what you need to be doing.

There are lots of details as to Plan A (Surviving an Affair is a great resource), no contact letters, helping a spouse through withdrawal. However, you really ought to be talking with a professional now---so call one of those groups listed above, and get working on a plan to recover your marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hurt & Confuzed:
[QB]

I would also LOVE to out her to her family. But I know my H would implode if that happened. We talked about it b/c of a posting here and he said that's totally uncalled for.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What would "implode" is the affair if you told them, THAT is why your H doesn't want you to tell them. Exposure would help END the affair by exposing it. This is why exposure is ALWAYS recommended. What is "uncalled for" is her pursuit of a married man. What is "uncalled for" is an affair. Exposure is always called for.

Ok, now that you have seen the direct result of contacting the OW in an attempt to not "be rude," are you prepared to ask that he end the affair with a no contact letter?

I didn't want my hubby to be rude with the No Contact but he was, and I am very thankful for it!!!! Not that he was a jerk to the OM, just very VERY straight-forward. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> OM hasn't contacted me since!

No Contact must be established. You won't recover until that starts - just like drugs. You can't get better until you get off the stuff.

H@C..

You'll have to excuse me..I must have something in my eye..I could have sworn that your H said he couldn't send only a letter of no contact because it was rude . As opposed to having sex with another woman and lying to you about it..which is decorous and honorable. Of all the ridiculous excuses... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Couple of points...I agree..seek pro counsel immediately, we are only fellow travelers..all you will get is our opinion..and to coin my new favorite phrase...my opinion is worth about half as much as a bucket of spit as far as your marriage is concerned.

Also of note...your husband, despite his declarations of steadfastness..is so easily pursuaded it fails even to be amusing. He is first persuaded by us, then pursuaded by her. He is tossed hither and yon in a sea of his own nihilism. I can only conclude that he has no position and seeks the path of least resistance at every opportunity.

I also believe that the OW in question is actively seeking to become pregnant with your husbands child. He will likely continue this A..prepare yourself for this possibility..what will this mean for you? What are you willing to endure?

I assert that you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by exposing this A. If it makes your husband angry..so be it. His anger is likely as shallow as his affection. Anger is temporary..exposure is the gift that keeps on giving. Be bold.

Draw your boundaries. A no contact letter is required. You should not accept less than 100% commitment from him on this. His concern of rudeness is a mockery of the vows he made to you. It is not OK to be cruel to you in favor of being polite to your enemy. His loyalty lies either with you or with her. This is round 3 for the two of you..while I still believe that the marriage builders plans A & B will be effective for you [with the right counsel and correct execution] I do think that there is something to be gained by asking your H where does he stand with regard to your marriage right now. If his position is that he wishes to recover..make him back it up. A commitment of no contact, and the accompanying letter..he hands over his cell phone to you [text messages are not acceptable]...he goes nowhere [not even the gas station] without you. If he resists this..you will have confirmation that he is only attempting to pacify you ...he fully intends to continue in his affair, even if he is not willing to admit this to himself. These lies will hurt you, do not allow them. You are dealing with an addict..not all addicts choose to recover..most do not.

Also..his affair is an entirely different issue than your marriage. I would caution you not to allow him to use anything as leverage against you..and I strongly suspect that he will try. It is not because you are a procrastinator or lazy, or have gained weight. He has allowed himself to become very disrespectfull of you. Everyone has flaws..and every marriage needs upkeep. He has chosen to use these issues as a convenient excuse for his own conduct.

Do not believe words, believe actions.

I'm so very sorry that you had to spend one minute more discovering that your husband has been continually unfaithfull to you..I'm sure you must be strongly tempted to conclude that he simply is not capable of being a faithfull man. This may prove true, I admit. There is yet hope though. Please do make arrangements with proper MC..preferably the Harleys or their staff..you have a long festering wound here..let's call in the specialists before this limb needs to be severed. --Noodle