Good morning! Thanks again all!

I woke up this morning clung to my H for dear life and nearly in tears. I found myself wondering if I am not the selfish one here. I have been begging and pleading and fighting for this marriage to stay intact and he has shown through his actions (i.e. the A for starters, continued contact, concern for "her feelings", unwilling to hand over cell phone, etc.) that he wants nothing more than to leave.

I know he would say that's not true, but I have yet to see a true showing that he's 100% committed to us and wants this marriage to work. I know he's addicted, he knows it too. We went throught he withdrawl before and I understand the need for the safety of home and me.

He continually asks me to be the one to "call it". Apparently he thinks I should decide if we fight for this marriage. My take on it is that I'm not the one who left the marriage - he did. So if anyone should "call it" it should be him to prove to me that he really does want me and our marriage. My position has never changed - I didn't have an affair, he did.

Am I being selfish to hold so tightly to our marriage when he so obviously wants to be somewhere else?

So my H left for work early this morning and packed a bag saying that he needed to go stay at his parents for awhile. I am fully onboard with the whole - clear your mind and decide what you really want.

BUT, last time this happened, he did it just to be closer to his hussy and saw her nearly every damn day. Then he lied to my face about seeing her. I am so emotionally drained right now. I really don't know what to do.

As you may have guessed, I love my H with all my heart and I vowed "'til death do us part"; but I'm not sure how much longer I can withstand this heartache. Saturday afternoon after he told me and we talked he came to me a said that he wanted my forgiveness and wanted to work this out. Then came that damn phone call to the hussy and we are back to "I don't know".

You have all been so wonderful in trying to help him see the light. That there is no foundation to their relationship as it's all based on lies and deceit and hurting other people to get a quick fix. Our relationship was built over 10 years based on love and trust (which is now gone) and respect (which is now gone too) and an understanding of each other that only comes after years of the togetherness. I know if we work hard and both want it, we can regain the trust and respect. But I don't expect it to happen overnight - it will take time and perhaps even years to regain all we've lost.

I am willing and able to work on this - and we will have our ups and downs and sometimes we will regress a little. But if both of our goals is to rebuild and re-energize our marriage, then we can do it together come what may...

I gotta tell you all - I talk a good game, but inside I am destroyed. I have been up and down so much I can't really determine one from the other. Thanks for the venting - I don't feel better, but at least I got it out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />